Wednesday seemed to be a day all about energy. It started with a conversation with my manager about the 'energies' that are brought to the workplace, and how just one person can affect the rest.
Then there was a Reiki class which was ALL about energy, the transfer of energy, the healing powers of energy, etc.
And then on the way home my iPod randomly played a song (and I wish I could remember which song it was because that is the important bit), that once again made me think of energy and how it passes between people.
I realized something, and it seemed quite profound at the time, that every relationship we enter into is just a form of energy transfer. There are those relationships that energize us, seemingly creating energy from the space between us. There are those that wear us out, those that build us up, and even those that seem to keep us level and stable. So, then my mind wandered to the relationships in my life and what kind of energy to they bring to the table. I have some great friends, co-workers, on-line buddies and family members that provide me with interesting, stimulating relationships and bring plenty of positive energy into my life. (I love you guys, you know who you are) I have those relationships that seem to keep me level and grounded, which are great, unless you really need some of that super positive energy to pull you up from a bad day. And then I thought about the relationships that are sucking the life out of me. Thankfully, I only came up with one (at least one obvious one). And it is a singularly one sided relationship that I'm still feeding energy into even though none is being returned. Maybe that is why I'm so tired all the time! Maybe it isn't a chemical imbalance, a mental imbalance, a vitamin deficiency, boredom, stress, or any of those other go to answers. Perhaps it is purely an energy imbalance where I continue to give and receive nothing in return. Time to cut off the power going in that direction and take it back for myself. This is going to be more difficult than it sounds. You would think after 11 months I could just write the relationship off, pull my energy back in and move on, but thus far it hasn't happened. Perhaps I've been unwilling to put the extra energy into letting go, maybe I haven't felt like I had the energy reserve available to do that. I don't know. Its crazy.
The lovely woman I mentioned in my last post says she feels no chemistry with me. I'm okay with that, I'm happy to be friends. Perhaps that is all that I'm ready for at the moment anyway, but maybe she feels no chemistry with me because I don't have the energy available to put into that spark, its still all travelling down a dead-end connection and short circuiting everything else. Stuff to think about over the coming weeks.
Time to find my energy source, regain my power, and live my life. Time to stop allowing the absence of another to continue to pull my life out of me. Its over, and although I've said a few dozen times, its time to move on.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Libra Horoscope for week of November 3, 2011
I suspect that you will have a minor form of good luck going for you this week. It probably won't be enough to score you a winning lottery ticket or earn you a chance to get the answer to your most fervent prayers. But it might bring you into close proximity with a financial opportunity, a pretty good helper, or a resource that could subtly boost your stability over the long haul. For best results, don't invoke your mild blessings to assist in trivial matters like finding parking places or avoiding long lines at check-out lines. Use them for important stuff.
Somewhere there's a treasure that has no value to anyone but you, and a secret that's meaningless to everyone except you, and a frontier that harbors a revelation only you would know how to exploit. Why not go in search of those things?
*
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Oceans are not exactly teeming with life. In fact, they're mostly barren, and could rightly be called "wet deserts." Likewise, not all your emotions, even those that come in floods, are fertile. Some are automatic reactions that have discharged thousands of times since they were first programmed into you many years ago. They're often negative, and are not organic but mechanical, being inappropriate to the events that seem to stimulate them. They became fixtures when you were a very different person than you are now. Identify these.
*
Somewhere there's a treasure that has no value to anyone but you, and a secret that's meaningless to everyone except you, and a frontier that harbors a revelation only you would know how to exploit. Why not go in search of those things?
*
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Oceans are not exactly teeming with life. In fact, they're mostly barren, and could rightly be called "wet deserts." Likewise, not all your emotions, even those that come in floods, are fertile. Some are automatic reactions that have discharged thousands of times since they were first programmed into you many years ago. They're often negative, and are not organic but mechanical, being inappropriate to the events that seem to stimulate them. They became fixtures when you were a very different person than you are now. Identify these.
*
Saturday, October 29, 2011
I Really Need to Blog More
I have been intending to write something new and cool and informative for weeks now, but have been swamped by homework, work, wedding celebrations, and the like, and also plagued by writer's block to take the cake.
I guess I'll start with the briefest of updates on my transition, and then move on to the more emotional stuff that is also part of my changing life. I have now officially hit the 6 months on T mark. That happened on October 15. I feel really good about all the things that have changed. I've lost inches on my hips and thighs as they have become much more muscular and the 'soft protective layer' has migrated up to my waist. This means my jeans have gone from being very loose around the waist and tight over the hips and thighs to fitting comfortably around the waist and being baggy on the hips and thighs. I need new jeans, but currently can't afford them. I think I only have 3 pair of 36x32's so donations to the jeans fund would be most helpful! Aside from that, my voice seems to have settled at a nice low tone and I'm relearning how to sing with the community choir. I'm really enjoying that aspect of things, although I never EVER imagined that my voice would end up this low. I figured I'd be a tenor, which would mean I could sing all the cool songs on the radio just fine. Instead I'm a second bass and my range is much more narrow that I had hoped. Songs on the radio are frequently not in my range, but I manage anyway, its only in the car (mostly) LOL I'm also starting to get a little bit of facial hair that is visible. The texture of the hair has changed and some of them are actually not blonde! Unfortunately, the acne is still about the same and has gotten a bit worse along my jawline. Oh well, maybe that will start to clear up soon, but who knows. I'm still pretty tired most of the time, but that might also be changing a little (keep your virtual fingers crossed for me!) And just over the last week my appetite has really picked up. I had always heard that T makes you hungry all the time. It really hadn't for me. I don't know if it was due to lack of food availability or excess of body fat that has now become a little depleted. I just don't know.
Anyway, in other news. My brother is now married! I'm so happy and excited for him and his new bride. Congrats you guys!
The wedding coincided with my 6 month anniversary on T. It was very nice to be able to go to the wedding in a tie and slacks and not the dress that would have been standard practice years ago. It would have been nicer to have been able to be Aaron to my family and friends, but I chose stay with my given name through the wedding, so as not to cause my change to overshadow the joy of the occasion. It was difficult to be daughter and sister throughout the day. But, it was still a lovely day. It was also difficult because I had hoped a year ago that I would have a date to the ceremony and that she and I would soon be celebrating a year together after the wedding. Obviously, that didn't happen. It was hard being there alone. I still miss her, I worry about the daughter that could have been part of my life. But, I'm moving on. I'm trying to move on. I even had a sort of date on Thursday night. It went well, I think. I'm hoping it will lead to another day, but, time will tell. She is awesome, she seems very sweet, she's really cute, very smart, amazingly caring, and fun to talk to. We seem to have lots in common, so I'm hopeful.
Well, that's about all for now. Classes are going okay, a couple of exams coming up in the next couple of weeks, but that should be okay. Time now to get ready for work.
Thanks for reading.
I guess I'll start with the briefest of updates on my transition, and then move on to the more emotional stuff that is also part of my changing life. I have now officially hit the 6 months on T mark. That happened on October 15. I feel really good about all the things that have changed. I've lost inches on my hips and thighs as they have become much more muscular and the 'soft protective layer' has migrated up to my waist. This means my jeans have gone from being very loose around the waist and tight over the hips and thighs to fitting comfortably around the waist and being baggy on the hips and thighs. I need new jeans, but currently can't afford them. I think I only have 3 pair of 36x32's so donations to the jeans fund would be most helpful! Aside from that, my voice seems to have settled at a nice low tone and I'm relearning how to sing with the community choir. I'm really enjoying that aspect of things, although I never EVER imagined that my voice would end up this low. I figured I'd be a tenor, which would mean I could sing all the cool songs on the radio just fine. Instead I'm a second bass and my range is much more narrow that I had hoped. Songs on the radio are frequently not in my range, but I manage anyway, its only in the car (mostly) LOL I'm also starting to get a little bit of facial hair that is visible. The texture of the hair has changed and some of them are actually not blonde! Unfortunately, the acne is still about the same and has gotten a bit worse along my jawline. Oh well, maybe that will start to clear up soon, but who knows. I'm still pretty tired most of the time, but that might also be changing a little (keep your virtual fingers crossed for me!) And just over the last week my appetite has really picked up. I had always heard that T makes you hungry all the time. It really hadn't for me. I don't know if it was due to lack of food availability or excess of body fat that has now become a little depleted. I just don't know.
Anyway, in other news. My brother is now married! I'm so happy and excited for him and his new bride. Congrats you guys!
The wedding coincided with my 6 month anniversary on T. It was very nice to be able to go to the wedding in a tie and slacks and not the dress that would have been standard practice years ago. It would have been nicer to have been able to be Aaron to my family and friends, but I chose stay with my given name through the wedding, so as not to cause my change to overshadow the joy of the occasion. It was difficult to be daughter and sister throughout the day. But, it was still a lovely day. It was also difficult because I had hoped a year ago that I would have a date to the ceremony and that she and I would soon be celebrating a year together after the wedding. Obviously, that didn't happen. It was hard being there alone. I still miss her, I worry about the daughter that could have been part of my life. But, I'm moving on. I'm trying to move on. I even had a sort of date on Thursday night. It went well, I think. I'm hoping it will lead to another day, but, time will tell. She is awesome, she seems very sweet, she's really cute, very smart, amazingly caring, and fun to talk to. We seem to have lots in common, so I'm hopeful.
Well, that's about all for now. Classes are going okay, a couple of exams coming up in the next couple of weeks, but that should be okay. Time now to get ready for work.
Thanks for reading.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Birthday
Today I turned 41, or 1, depending on how you look at it. I've been in existence for 41 years, but this is my first birthday as Aaron. Although, there hasn't been a legal name change, its the first one where I'm in active transition. In just two weeks I'll have been on T for 6 months! It somehow doesn't seem like it could possibly have been that long, but it has. Most of the time I pass as Male at work, as long as the customer didn't know me before, or I can keep my nametag hidden. I'm finding that pretty cool.
In other news, classes are going fairly well. Not great, but not bad either. I'm still working on my application for Radford's MSW program for next Fall. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
I'm also still fighting a kidney stone, which hurts like hell. I have an appointment with the free clinic on Thursday to see if I am eligiblse for services there. Keep your fingers crossed on that one too, as I really need to get this stupid thing taken care of. It hurts, and I'm tired of urinating blood. (sorry, that was probably TMI)
The weather has taken a turn for the chilly today. I think our high was in the mid 50's and we could have frost tonight. Not happy about that at all as I still have tomatoes on the vine that I would like to eat, and they aren't even ripe yet! I'm also worried about my roses, but I think they will probably be fine. Its getting close to time to do some winterizing on them.
Well, one more day of work tomorrow and then school for the rest of the week. Not long now until my brother's wedding, I'm looking forward to dressing up. :)
Good night all.
In other news, classes are going fairly well. Not great, but not bad either. I'm still working on my application for Radford's MSW program for next Fall. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
I'm also still fighting a kidney stone, which hurts like hell. I have an appointment with the free clinic on Thursday to see if I am eligiblse for services there. Keep your fingers crossed on that one too, as I really need to get this stupid thing taken care of. It hurts, and I'm tired of urinating blood. (sorry, that was probably TMI)
The weather has taken a turn for the chilly today. I think our high was in the mid 50's and we could have frost tonight. Not happy about that at all as I still have tomatoes on the vine that I would like to eat, and they aren't even ripe yet! I'm also worried about my roses, but I think they will probably be fine. Its getting close to time to do some winterizing on them.
Well, one more day of work tomorrow and then school for the rest of the week. Not long now until my brother's wedding, I'm looking forward to dressing up. :)
Good night all.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Libra Horoscope for the week of Sept 8th - Rob Brezsny
You have about 100 billion neurons in your brain. That also happens to be the approximate number of stars in the Milky Way Galaxy. Coincidence? I think not. As the mystic dictum reminds us, "As above, so below." The macrocosm and microcosm are mirrors of each other. Everything that happens on a collective level has an intimately personal impact. The better you know yourself, the more likely you are to understand how the world works -- and vice versa. I urge you to be alert for concrete evidence of this principle, Libra. Your week will be successful if you make it your background meditation.
*
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Have you ever had permission to indulge in a marathon of braggadocio? Have you ever gotten an invitation to bluster on endlessly about your own charms without feeling even a touch of guilt or inhibition? I hereby grant you such a license right now.
When you're ready, carry out the exercise called Brag Therapy. Grab a good listener or a recording device, and boast extravagantly about yourself for at least 20 minutes. Expound in exhaustive detail why you're so wonderful and why the world would be a better place if everyone would just act more like you.
Don't be humble or cautious. Go too far. Heap extreme glory on yourself. Brazenly proclaim the fabulous qualities about you that no one has ever fully articulated or appreciated. Don't forget to extol the prodigious flaws and vices that make you so special.
What does this have to do with pronoia? When you audaciously identify your existing gifts, you set yourself up to become a magnet for even greater abundance. In fact, we recommend that you treat yourself to a Brag Therapy session regularly.
To whet your imagination, read an excerpt from the boast of Eric Baer, a participant in a Brag Therapy session I hosted in Milwaukee. "I have opposable thumbs," Eric exulted. "I can read. I breathe all the way through the night even though I'm asleep. I have access to emporiums where I can choose from 25 different brands of toilet paper. I know how to turn food into energy. I live where knuckleheads run everything and yet nothing ever blows up."
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Libra Horoscope for week of August 25, 2011
"Two dangers threaten the universe: order and disorder," said poet Paul Valery. I think that's especially true for you right now, although the "danger" in question is psychological in nature, not physical, and it's a relatively manageable hazard that you shouldn't stay up all night worrying about. Still, the looming challenge to your poise is something that requires you to activate your deeper intelligence. You really do need to figure out how to weave a middle way between the extremes of seeking too much order and allowing too much disorder. What would Goldilocks do?
*
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Create a royal crown for yourself out of a shower cap, rubber bands, and light bulbs. Think of the last place on Earth you'd ever want to visit, and visualize yourself having fun there. Say these words and see how they feel: "Ever since I learned to see three sides to every story, I'm finding much better stories."
*
*Gee Rob, are you trying to tell me I need to clean my house and get my life a little more messy?
*
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Create a royal crown for yourself out of a shower cap, rubber bands, and light bulbs. Think of the last place on Earth you'd ever want to visit, and visualize yourself having fun there. Say these words and see how they feel: "Ever since I learned to see three sides to every story, I'm finding much better stories."
*
*Gee Rob, are you trying to tell me I need to clean my house and get my life a little more messy?
Monday, August 15, 2011
New picture
Well, it has officially been 4 months on T, Apr 15 to Aug 15! Had lunch yesterday with a great bunch of guys in Roanoke and according to one of them I've changed a lot in those 4 months. He also told me it was time for a new picture. So here it is. I'd say it sucks, but it does look like me, so I'll go with it. I hate doing self-portraits, but sometimes you have to. I'll see if I can get some better pictures soon. Enjoy!
Changes that I can officially say have occurred in the past four months. My voice has dropped considerably. I am getting some hair growth on my face, mostly my upper lip. However, it is all very very blonde so you really can't see it. I do shave, just not very often. I swear I have more hair on my abdomen, but again, blonde. Alex claims my shoulders are broader and I look more buff, but I think he is just trying to make me feel good. My clothes fit differently, my belly seems bigger and my butt/hips feel a bit smaller. But, that's about it for the physical changes that I'm willing to list. Mentally, I feel so much more comfortable with myself, happier, at ease or at peace with things. Life feels good again, which is kind of a new thing for me. I haven't had any of the 'anger management' issues, for the most part I'm so much happier that I can almost blow off stuff that used to make me blow up. Its been pretty cool.
Now I just have to get back to having a better diet, lose some weight, work out once in awhile so I'll look good for my brother's wedding in October (on my 6 months anniversary!). I hope that the shirt I bought for the wedding back in May will actually fit me come October. I still need to find pants and shoes, plus get my cuff links made for the occasion. Wish me luck!
In other news, school starts in a week, Financial aid is still processing and I'm looking forward to it getting paid out. Life is getting busy again, but at least busy with structure, so I'm really looking forward to that.
Okay, g'night everyone. Hopefully later today will be a good day and I'll get to meet with admissions for RU for the MSW program. Keep your fingers crossed!
Changes that I can officially say have occurred in the past four months. My voice has dropped considerably. I am getting some hair growth on my face, mostly my upper lip. However, it is all very very blonde so you really can't see it. I do shave, just not very often. I swear I have more hair on my abdomen, but again, blonde. Alex claims my shoulders are broader and I look more buff, but I think he is just trying to make me feel good. My clothes fit differently, my belly seems bigger and my butt/hips feel a bit smaller. But, that's about it for the physical changes that I'm willing to list. Mentally, I feel so much more comfortable with myself, happier, at ease or at peace with things. Life feels good again, which is kind of a new thing for me. I haven't had any of the 'anger management' issues, for the most part I'm so much happier that I can almost blow off stuff that used to make me blow up. Its been pretty cool.
Now I just have to get back to having a better diet, lose some weight, work out once in awhile so I'll look good for my brother's wedding in October (on my 6 months anniversary!). I hope that the shirt I bought for the wedding back in May will actually fit me come October. I still need to find pants and shoes, plus get my cuff links made for the occasion. Wish me luck!
In other news, school starts in a week, Financial aid is still processing and I'm looking forward to it getting paid out. Life is getting busy again, but at least busy with structure, so I'm really looking forward to that.
Okay, g'night everyone. Hopefully later today will be a good day and I'll get to meet with admissions for RU for the MSW program. Keep your fingers crossed!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
What it means, part II
A couple of months ago I wrote a post called What it Means This is a continuation of that post.
Its been a day of pondering things. Little things and big things. While fixing dinner I thought about the summer camp I used to attend, and how I'll probably never be welcome to volunteer there again (at least not as a cabin counselor or a leader). You see, its a Christian camp, and while the Church of the Brethern believe that you love the sinner, hate the sin when it comes to gays, they also believe that as long as I was born with a vagina I'll be a woman, but I don't think they'll accept a bearded woman who answers to Aaron sleeping with a cabin full of young girls. Nor would they let me sleep with a cabin of young boys. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe I'm thinking too much about it. I just know I miss the place where I spent the happiest times of my youth. Although to be honest, it doesn't really resemble the place I remember any more. It has been modernized far beyond my comprehension. I mean, kids have cell phones now, when I was a camper we couldn't even have radios! Oh well.
On my walk with Taffy I started thinking about things I have learned about myself over the past 4 months. It still amazes me that its been 4 months since I started T! What I've learned is that for the first time in my life I actually feel comfortable with myself. I feel like I'm experiencing the wonders of my body coming of age for the first time. Puberty didn't feel like anything when I hit that age as a girl. I just tried to fake my way through it. Maybe that is why I felt like I never really grew up in some ways. Now I feel like things in my life are starting to take shape and make sense. It feels really good to be alive.
I also thought about what I wrote earlier in "What it means". While I still like what I wrote, I think there are a few things that I need to restate in a slightly different way. I'm not changing to become a man because I don't want to be a girl, or because I think that there is anything in this world that a woman can't become. It only has to do with the fact that I have never been a woman inside, and I've spent my life being dishonest to everyone around me by trying to be what they wanted to see. Now maybe if society in general, or my family and some of my friends in particular, didn't have such gender based stereotypes I wouldn't feel like I had to be something other than myself, but the fact is, I did.
I have also felt that people have wondered who I'm doing this for. Are you doing this to get Mara back? No. I'm not doing this for anyone except myself. The fact is I was completely convinced that by transitioning I would lose everyone that had been part of my life. I was totally shocked to find that I'm supported and loved by as many people as I am. I'm doing this transition for myself, so that I can be honest with myself and accepting of who I am. Truth is, I still feel isolated from much of the world at large, I feel as if I'm hiding, maybe out of fear, maybe because in some ways I'm still not sure. I don't know. But what is cool is that I feel that my relationships with people that know and are accepting are much more honest, real, open, etc than any I've known before. Which is an amazing feeling! I don't have to live up to some unspoken expectation to be the woman I'm not. Now if only I didn't get reminded so frequently that I am "Ms. Ellen" or Ma'am, or Miss, or whatever. That will change with time, I hope! But, those are the joys of small town Southern living!
In other news, school is getting ready to start in 2 weeks. I'm still working out the kinks with financial aid, but hopefully it will work out so that I have something to live on and can pay some of my bills. I should get to meet with the director of grad admissions for the MSW program at Radford U next week (I haven't heard back about a particular time), but I'm super psyched about the opportunity to go impress someone and convince them that they can't live without me in their program (okay, so a bit optimistic on my part! But hey!)
Also, had a trip to the doctor in Fishersville yesterday. Apparently my transition is going well, however, my triglycerides are through the roof, which is likely to do more with my hot dog , doughnut and soda diet that I have had to survive on over the past 2 months or so. Hopefully I can get a better diet going with the financial aid money. Sadly, I found out that my doctor is leaving general practice, so I have to find someone new that will prescribe my Testosterone injections. Any suggestions?
Prior to finding that out I was lamenting about the lack of resources in general for transgender people in rural areas, particularly SW VA. I was having strong desires to pack up my stuff and move back to Seattle where life would be easier, where I wouldn't be so 'alone', where resources are plentiful, etc. But then it occurred to me, maybe this is why I'm back in Floyd! Maybe I need to work on making this a better, safer, more knowledgeable place for transgender people. I mean, there really isn't much in the line of resources for gay people, but it is a heck of a lot easier to find queer support than it is trans support ANYWHERE in the US, but particularly in rural areas. The fact that I have to drive 2.5 hours to see a doctor to get a hormone prescription is bad, but there are other people who have to travel much further. I know of one therapist in the area who see's trans patients. But, as I learned working for the census last summer, SW VA is a very vast area that is so spread out it is difficult to get resources to a lot of places. I find it disgraceful that the largest city in the area doesn't have 1 doctor that is willing to see FTM patients! Even with a college town less than an hour away, there is little support for the trans community. Maybe I will become an activist in the second half of my life. I still have to figure out how!
Lastly, I think I should say that my job is going really well. I work with an amazingly wonderful group of people and I'm so thankful that they are part of my life. Despite the fact that my inner monologue usually berates me for 'working in a gas station, what will the other people think? You thought you were above this, didn't you?' I really do enjoy the work. I'm getting used to the ever changing hours, the random waves of people that suddenly cause me to have stressfully long lines at my register, and the seemingly never ending lists of things to do.
Now, if I can just fix the random pain in my right side that I think is related to the marble sized kidney stone that has been around for at least 2 years, all will be good. Oh, and if I could happen to meet a couple more friends to hang out with and maybe a girlfriend, life would be spectacular!
Its been a day of pondering things. Little things and big things. While fixing dinner I thought about the summer camp I used to attend, and how I'll probably never be welcome to volunteer there again (at least not as a cabin counselor or a leader). You see, its a Christian camp, and while the Church of the Brethern believe that you love the sinner, hate the sin when it comes to gays, they also believe that as long as I was born with a vagina I'll be a woman, but I don't think they'll accept a bearded woman who answers to Aaron sleeping with a cabin full of young girls. Nor would they let me sleep with a cabin of young boys. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe I'm thinking too much about it. I just know I miss the place where I spent the happiest times of my youth. Although to be honest, it doesn't really resemble the place I remember any more. It has been modernized far beyond my comprehension. I mean, kids have cell phones now, when I was a camper we couldn't even have radios! Oh well.
On my walk with Taffy I started thinking about things I have learned about myself over the past 4 months. It still amazes me that its been 4 months since I started T! What I've learned is that for the first time in my life I actually feel comfortable with myself. I feel like I'm experiencing the wonders of my body coming of age for the first time. Puberty didn't feel like anything when I hit that age as a girl. I just tried to fake my way through it. Maybe that is why I felt like I never really grew up in some ways. Now I feel like things in my life are starting to take shape and make sense. It feels really good to be alive.
I also thought about what I wrote earlier in "What it means". While I still like what I wrote, I think there are a few things that I need to restate in a slightly different way. I'm not changing to become a man because I don't want to be a girl, or because I think that there is anything in this world that a woman can't become. It only has to do with the fact that I have never been a woman inside, and I've spent my life being dishonest to everyone around me by trying to be what they wanted to see. Now maybe if society in general, or my family and some of my friends in particular, didn't have such gender based stereotypes I wouldn't feel like I had to be something other than myself, but the fact is, I did.
I have also felt that people have wondered who I'm doing this for. Are you doing this to get Mara back? No. I'm not doing this for anyone except myself. The fact is I was completely convinced that by transitioning I would lose everyone that had been part of my life. I was totally shocked to find that I'm supported and loved by as many people as I am. I'm doing this transition for myself, so that I can be honest with myself and accepting of who I am. Truth is, I still feel isolated from much of the world at large, I feel as if I'm hiding, maybe out of fear, maybe because in some ways I'm still not sure. I don't know. But what is cool is that I feel that my relationships with people that know and are accepting are much more honest, real, open, etc than any I've known before. Which is an amazing feeling! I don't have to live up to some unspoken expectation to be the woman I'm not. Now if only I didn't get reminded so frequently that I am "Ms. Ellen" or Ma'am, or Miss, or whatever. That will change with time, I hope! But, those are the joys of small town Southern living!
In other news, school is getting ready to start in 2 weeks. I'm still working out the kinks with financial aid, but hopefully it will work out so that I have something to live on and can pay some of my bills. I should get to meet with the director of grad admissions for the MSW program at Radford U next week (I haven't heard back about a particular time), but I'm super psyched about the opportunity to go impress someone and convince them that they can't live without me in their program (okay, so a bit optimistic on my part! But hey!)
Also, had a trip to the doctor in Fishersville yesterday. Apparently my transition is going well, however, my triglycerides are through the roof, which is likely to do more with my hot dog , doughnut and soda diet that I have had to survive on over the past 2 months or so. Hopefully I can get a better diet going with the financial aid money. Sadly, I found out that my doctor is leaving general practice, so I have to find someone new that will prescribe my Testosterone injections. Any suggestions?
Prior to finding that out I was lamenting about the lack of resources in general for transgender people in rural areas, particularly SW VA. I was having strong desires to pack up my stuff and move back to Seattle where life would be easier, where I wouldn't be so 'alone', where resources are plentiful, etc. But then it occurred to me, maybe this is why I'm back in Floyd! Maybe I need to work on making this a better, safer, more knowledgeable place for transgender people. I mean, there really isn't much in the line of resources for gay people, but it is a heck of a lot easier to find queer support than it is trans support ANYWHERE in the US, but particularly in rural areas. The fact that I have to drive 2.5 hours to see a doctor to get a hormone prescription is bad, but there are other people who have to travel much further. I know of one therapist in the area who see's trans patients. But, as I learned working for the census last summer, SW VA is a very vast area that is so spread out it is difficult to get resources to a lot of places. I find it disgraceful that the largest city in the area doesn't have 1 doctor that is willing to see FTM patients! Even with a college town less than an hour away, there is little support for the trans community. Maybe I will become an activist in the second half of my life. I still have to figure out how!
Lastly, I think I should say that my job is going really well. I work with an amazingly wonderful group of people and I'm so thankful that they are part of my life. Despite the fact that my inner monologue usually berates me for 'working in a gas station, what will the other people think? You thought you were above this, didn't you?' I really do enjoy the work. I'm getting used to the ever changing hours, the random waves of people that suddenly cause me to have stressfully long lines at my register, and the seemingly never ending lists of things to do.
Now, if I can just fix the random pain in my right side that I think is related to the marble sized kidney stone that has been around for at least 2 years, all will be good. Oh, and if I could happen to meet a couple more friends to hang out with and maybe a girlfriend, life would be spectacular!
Libra Horoscope for week of August 11, 2011
Where do you want to be at this time next year? What do you want to be doing? I encourage you to fantasize and scheme about these questions, and be alert for clues about possible prospects. Here's my reasoning, Libra: Some foreshadowings of your future life may soon float into view, including a far-off whisper or a glimpse of the horizon that will awaken some of your dormant yearnings. Don't make the mistake of thinking that these visions must be acted upon instantly. Instead, ruminate leisurely on them, regarding them as the early hints of potential long-range developments.
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Here are three of our deepest spiritual aspirations, which we invite you to steal for your own use: 1. to develop the capacity to thrive in the midst of raging contradictions; 2. to be discerning as we protect ourselves from people's flaws while at the same time being generous as we celebrate their beauty; 3. to refrain from dividing the world into two groups, those who help and agree with us and those who don't.
*
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Here are three of our deepest spiritual aspirations, which we invite you to steal for your own use: 1. to develop the capacity to thrive in the midst of raging contradictions; 2. to be discerning as we protect ourselves from people's flaws while at the same time being generous as we celebrate their beauty; 3. to refrain from dividing the world into two groups, those who help and agree with us and those who don't.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Libra Horoscope for week of August 4, 2011
Some readers get enraged about the "crafty optimism" I advocate in my book Pronoia Is the Antidote for Paranoia. Given what they regard as the miserable state of the world, they feel it's a sin to look for reasons to be cheerful. One especially dour critic said that after reading a few pages of the book, he took it out in his backyard, doused it with gasoline, and incinerated it. You may face similar opposition in your attempts to foment redemption, smoke out hope, and rally the troops, Libra. I urge you to be extra fierce in your devotion to peace, love, and understanding.
*
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"The real secret of magic is that the world is made of words," said Terence McKenna in Alien Dreamtime, "and that if you know the words that the world is made of, you can make of it whatever you wish." Here's my version of that hypothesis: What world you end up living in depends at least in part on your use of language.
Do you want to move and breathe amidst infertile chaos where nothing makes sense and no one really loves anyone? Then speak with unconscious carelessness, expressing yourself lazily. Constantly materialize and entertain angry thoughts in the privacy of your own imagination, beaming silent curses out into eternity.
Or would you prefer to live in a realm that's rich with fluid epiphanies and intriguing coincidences and mysterious harmonies? Then be discerning and inventive in how you speak, primed to name the unexpected codes that are always being born right in front of your eyes. Turn your imagination into an ebullient laboratory where the somethings you create out of nothings are tinctured with the secret light you see in your dreams of invisible fire.
*
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
"The real secret of magic is that the world is made of words," said Terence McKenna in Alien Dreamtime, "and that if you know the words that the world is made of, you can make of it whatever you wish." Here's my version of that hypothesis: What world you end up living in depends at least in part on your use of language.
Do you want to move and breathe amidst infertile chaos where nothing makes sense and no one really loves anyone? Then speak with unconscious carelessness, expressing yourself lazily. Constantly materialize and entertain angry thoughts in the privacy of your own imagination, beaming silent curses out into eternity.
Or would you prefer to live in a realm that's rich with fluid epiphanies and intriguing coincidences and mysterious harmonies? Then be discerning and inventive in how you speak, primed to name the unexpected codes that are always being born right in front of your eyes. Turn your imagination into an ebullient laboratory where the somethings you create out of nothings are tinctured with the secret light you see in your dreams of invisible fire.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
"You Must Be a Photograph not a Poem."
It's been a while since I've posted anything. I'm sorry about that. I shouldn't start a post with an apology, but there it is. I'd like to tell you that I've been so busy that I simply haven't had the time to write. The truth is, I haven't had the energy. I don't know if it is the T, or the heat, or me, but I'm so tired these days I barely have enough energy to get up for work. Oddly enough, I'm usually fine while I'm at work, but I come home and just crash. Maybe I need more caffeine, but that doesn't really seem to help. I'll give you the quick run down of the updates in life and then I'll actually write something from the heart.
Work is going well. For a person that doesn't smoke, or drink beer, or chew tobacco, a gas/convenience store can be a really tricky place. People ask for Camel Lites and I have no clue which pack they are talking about. The box doesn't say any more! But, I'm learning, slowly, but surely. Now if people could only remember to say that they want shorts or 100's, I'd be really good, but they almost never do. And what the hell is up with 99's and 72's (or is it 27's) Very confusing. Of course, I am also baffled as to why when you have a cooler stocked with 10 columns of Dr. Pepper 1 column can be almost totally empty, 2 columns are missing 2-3 and the rest are untouched. And the 1 column changes, so it isn't necessarily due to its location in the cooler. And this happens with all the beverages we sell. I think there is a psychology experiment in there somewhere!
Financially, I'm starting to get stuff worked out. I won't go into detail, but I think (hope and pray) that financial aid is in the last phases of being resolved and school should work out well for the Fall. I've decided to drop a couple of classes and stick with 9 credit hours. Should leave me plenty of time for work and give me a little extra financial aid for living expenses. Keep your fingers crossed. I need to seriously start working on my application to RU for next Fall. I'm worried, but optimistic.
Transitioning, nothing overly significant has changed. I'd love to tell you that my voice is stabilizing, but I'd be lying. I swear that two days ago I was back to my old voice, and then yesterday I was lower but with an odd electronic overtone to it (I swear I sound like a computer generated voice some days), Today it sounds vaguely normal as compared to the majority of days over the past month of so. I did come out to one of the girls I work with, she was fine with my transition and I love that. The folks I work with are really great and I feel like family there. And interestingly enough, during the last week I've gotten called sir about as many times as I've gotten called Ma'am, and that's even with a name tag that says Ellen, and a desperate need of a haircut (hopefully I can manage one of those either after the next paycheck or after financial aid gets figured out!) I might also be growing in facial hair a little faster, I shaved last Saturday, and I'm feeling a little bit of stubble today. (Yes, I know it has been almost a week, what can you do!?!) The hair is also still bright blonde, so it might as well be invisible.
Oh! Last weekend we had a reunion with all the people on my Dad's side of the family. I was rather nervous that there would be a lot of questions, and I would either be bombarded with attention, or completely ignored. Turns out that no one asked anything, and I was treated very much as I always have been. It was a good reunion as far as I was concerned. (It was also good to have a better variety of food to eat than doughnuts and hot dogs from work!)
That's it for updates. I've been reading again before bed, which is really good for me. I finally decided to open the cover on Jeanette Winterson's Written on the Body after it showed up as a recommended book for me to read on Amazon.com. It was one of the books that Mara gave me for Christmas, and the one book that I had wanted her to read to me. So, I was having a difficult time accepting that if I was ever going to read this book I was going to have to pick it up and turn the pages myself. I'll be honest, I found so much of my own story and my story with Mara between the covers of that book. I've been tempted to send it back to her with a note saying "you should read this, I think parts of it are about us". But, I won't. I won't tell you how it ends, or even much of the story line. All I can say is that as I was reading the night before last I found one single line that sums up my relationship with Mara.
"Now that I have lost you I cannot allow you to develop, you must be a photograph not a poem."
For me, Mara has become a photograph on my bedside table, when we were together she was a poem, a living breathing poem read to me nightly before we turned off the lights. She was poetry to me, new lines written daily as choices were made. Now the poem is silence, and all that is left is an image that I still can't get out of my head.
Work is going well. For a person that doesn't smoke, or drink beer, or chew tobacco, a gas/convenience store can be a really tricky place. People ask for Camel Lites and I have no clue which pack they are talking about. The box doesn't say any more! But, I'm learning, slowly, but surely. Now if people could only remember to say that they want shorts or 100's, I'd be really good, but they almost never do. And what the hell is up with 99's and 72's (or is it 27's) Very confusing. Of course, I am also baffled as to why when you have a cooler stocked with 10 columns of Dr. Pepper 1 column can be almost totally empty, 2 columns are missing 2-3 and the rest are untouched. And the 1 column changes, so it isn't necessarily due to its location in the cooler. And this happens with all the beverages we sell. I think there is a psychology experiment in there somewhere!
Financially, I'm starting to get stuff worked out. I won't go into detail, but I think (hope and pray) that financial aid is in the last phases of being resolved and school should work out well for the Fall. I've decided to drop a couple of classes and stick with 9 credit hours. Should leave me plenty of time for work and give me a little extra financial aid for living expenses. Keep your fingers crossed. I need to seriously start working on my application to RU for next Fall. I'm worried, but optimistic.
Transitioning, nothing overly significant has changed. I'd love to tell you that my voice is stabilizing, but I'd be lying. I swear that two days ago I was back to my old voice, and then yesterday I was lower but with an odd electronic overtone to it (I swear I sound like a computer generated voice some days), Today it sounds vaguely normal as compared to the majority of days over the past month of so. I did come out to one of the girls I work with, she was fine with my transition and I love that. The folks I work with are really great and I feel like family there. And interestingly enough, during the last week I've gotten called sir about as many times as I've gotten called Ma'am, and that's even with a name tag that says Ellen, and a desperate need of a haircut (hopefully I can manage one of those either after the next paycheck or after financial aid gets figured out!) I might also be growing in facial hair a little faster, I shaved last Saturday, and I'm feeling a little bit of stubble today. (Yes, I know it has been almost a week, what can you do!?!) The hair is also still bright blonde, so it might as well be invisible.
Oh! Last weekend we had a reunion with all the people on my Dad's side of the family. I was rather nervous that there would be a lot of questions, and I would either be bombarded with attention, or completely ignored. Turns out that no one asked anything, and I was treated very much as I always have been. It was a good reunion as far as I was concerned. (It was also good to have a better variety of food to eat than doughnuts and hot dogs from work!)
That's it for updates. I've been reading again before bed, which is really good for me. I finally decided to open the cover on Jeanette Winterson's Written on the Body after it showed up as a recommended book for me to read on Amazon.com. It was one of the books that Mara gave me for Christmas, and the one book that I had wanted her to read to me. So, I was having a difficult time accepting that if I was ever going to read this book I was going to have to pick it up and turn the pages myself. I'll be honest, I found so much of my own story and my story with Mara between the covers of that book. I've been tempted to send it back to her with a note saying "you should read this, I think parts of it are about us". But, I won't. I won't tell you how it ends, or even much of the story line. All I can say is that as I was reading the night before last I found one single line that sums up my relationship with Mara.
"Now that I have lost you I cannot allow you to develop, you must be a photograph not a poem."
For me, Mara has become a photograph on my bedside table, when we were together she was a poem, a living breathing poem read to me nightly before we turned off the lights. She was poetry to me, new lines written daily as choices were made. Now the poem is silence, and all that is left is an image that I still can't get out of my head.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Libra Horoscope for week of July 21, 2011
"The I Ching counsels that if we are associating with others who are not our true peers," says astrologer Caroline Casey, "our real allies cannot find us." Please apply this test to yourself, Libra. If, after taking inventory, you find that your circle is largely composed of cohorts and comrades who match your levels of vitality and intelligence, that will be excellent news; it will signal an opportunity to begin working on an upgraded version of your social life that will increase your access to synergy and symbiosis even further. But if your survey reveals that you're hanging out too much with people whose energy doesn't match yours, it will be time for a metamorphosis.
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Like all of us, you have desires for things that you don't really need and aren't good for you. But you shouldn't disparage yourself for having them, nor should you conclude that every desire is tainted.
Rather, think of your misguided longings as the bumbling, amateur expressions of a faculty that will one day be far more expert. They're how you practice as you work toward the goal of becoming a master of desire. It may take a while, but eventually you will get the hang of wanting things that are really good for you, and good for everyone else, too.
*
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Like all of us, you have desires for things that you don't really need and aren't good for you. But you shouldn't disparage yourself for having them, nor should you conclude that every desire is tainted.
Rather, think of your misguided longings as the bumbling, amateur expressions of a faculty that will one day be far more expert. They're how you practice as you work toward the goal of becoming a master of desire. It may take a while, but eventually you will get the hang of wanting things that are really good for you, and good for everyone else, too.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Libra Horoscope for week of July 14, 2011
"He got a big ego, such a huge ego," sings Beyonce in her song "Ego." "It's too big, it's too wide / It's too strong, it won't fit / It's too much, it's too tough / He talk like this 'cause he can back it up." I would love to be able to address that same message to you in the coming days, Libra. I'm serious. I'd love to admire and marvel at your big, strong ego. This is one of those rare times when the cosmic powers-that-be are giving you clearance to display your beautiful, glorious self in its full radiance. Extra bragging is most definitely allowed, especially if it's done with humor and wit. A bit of preening, mugging, and swaggering is permissible as well.
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Alice finds her way to Wonderland by falling down a rabbit hole. Dorothy rides to Oz on a tornado. In C. S. Lewis's >i>The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, Lucy stumbles into the magical land of Narnia via a portal in the back of a large clothes cabinet.
In the sequels to all these adventures, however, the heroines must find different ways to access their exotic dreamlands. Alice slips through a mirror next time. Dorothy uses a Magic Belt. Lucy leaps into a painting of a schooner that becomes real.
Take heed of these precedents. The next time a threshold opens into an alternative reality you've enjoyed in the past, it may not resemble the doorways you've used before.
*
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Alice finds her way to Wonderland by falling down a rabbit hole. Dorothy rides to Oz on a tornado. In C. S. Lewis's >i>The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, Lucy stumbles into the magical land of Narnia via a portal in the back of a large clothes cabinet.
In the sequels to all these adventures, however, the heroines must find different ways to access their exotic dreamlands. Alice slips through a mirror next time. Dorothy uses a Magic Belt. Lucy leaps into a painting of a schooner that becomes real.
Take heed of these precedents. The next time a threshold opens into an alternative reality you've enjoyed in the past, it may not resemble the doorways you've used before.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Libra Horoscope for week of July 7, 2011
"One must choose in life between boredom and suffering," proclaimed author Madame de Staël (1766-1817). I beg to differ with her, however. As evidence, I present the course of your life during the next few weeks. After analyzing the astrological omens, I expect you will consistently steer a middle course between boredom and suffering, being able to enjoy some interesting departures from the routine that don't hurt a bit. There may even be pain-free excursions into high adventure mixed in, along with a fascinating riddle that taxes your imagination in rather pleasurable ways.
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Writing on Salon.com, Scott Rosenberg recalled how in his youth he loved to play the fantasy role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons. "You'd have to choose not one but two 'alignments' for your character," he mused. "Good and evil, of course, but also 'law' and 'chaos.' And among the people I ran with, 'chaotic/good' was the thing to be, because it let you trust other people and still have fun."
Try out the "chaotic/good" approach for the character you play in your actual life.
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Writing on Salon.com, Scott Rosenberg recalled how in his youth he loved to play the fantasy role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons. "You'd have to choose not one but two 'alignments' for your character," he mused. "Good and evil, of course, but also 'law' and 'chaos.' And among the people I ran with, 'chaotic/good' was the thing to be, because it let you trust other people and still have fun."
Try out the "chaotic/good" approach for the character you play in your actual life.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Change and the absence of Change
I think my voice is finding its comfortable spot somewhere in the Baritone range, although it frequently pops up into squeaky tenor and sometimes alto range. It's funny.
I had thought that my periods had quit, but perhaps not. I'm not happy.
Started a new job on Saturday, it may eventually pay the bills, but its going to take awhile. I'm kind of enjoying it, although there is a lot to learn. Wish me luck. Also have resume's out for some other positions, so keep your fingers crossed.
I had thought that my periods had quit, but perhaps not. I'm not happy.
Started a new job on Saturday, it may eventually pay the bills, but its going to take awhile. I'm kind of enjoying it, although there is a lot to learn. Wish me luck. Also have resume's out for some other positions, so keep your fingers crossed.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Libra Horoscope for week of June 30, 2011 - Rob Brezsny
In the coming months, it's likely you will experience more action than usual -- some of it quite expansive -- in your astrological eighth house. Traditional astrologers call this the sphere of sex, drugs, and rock and roll, but I refer to it as the realm of deep connection, altered states of awareness, and lyrical interludes that educate and enrich your emotional intelligence. Are you ready to have your habit mind rewired, your certainties reworked, and your pleasures reconfigured?
What are your plans for the rest of the year? Could you use some more help in mapping out your dreams and schemes? Maybe you can accomplish more than you think between now and January 2012. Tune in.
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See how far you can spit a mouthful of beer
Pick blackberries naked in the pouring rain
Scare yourself with how beautiful you are
Stage a slow-motion water balloon fight
Pretend your wounds are exotic tattoos
Sing anarchist lullabies to lesbian trees
Plunge butcher knives into accordions
Commit a crime that breaks no laws
Sip the tears of someone you love
What are your plans for the rest of the year? Could you use some more help in mapping out your dreams and schemes? Maybe you can accomplish more than you think between now and January 2012. Tune in.
*
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
See how far you can spit a mouthful of beer
Pick blackberries naked in the pouring rain
Scare yourself with how beautiful you are
Stage a slow-motion water balloon fight
Pretend your wounds are exotic tattoos
Sing anarchist lullabies to lesbian trees
Plunge butcher knives into accordions
Commit a crime that breaks no laws
Sip the tears of someone you love
Decisions
Right now my life is just a series of potentially life altering decisions. I have two job opportunities, they would both pay the same, are both a relatively short commute and would be good. One is in a field I know and love, but would be less flexible for classes, the other has the potential to suck but would probably be more flexible. Which do I choose?
Then we have school. I could try to get accepted to USC's online program for a MSW to start this fall. Then it wouldn't matter as much that my hours are less flexible. But, I've already signed up for classes at VT and some of them really have my love and attention. There is no way I can do both (just don't have the money or the time).
I have a webinar to answer questions about USC later today, I should probably go and take my pee test for work, but I think I can push that until tomorrow and be fine. If the webinar answers my questions about how the courses are run, how they are graded, etc. I may try to get in for starting in October. It would make it so I would be finished earlier. Then I could try to get the other position that isn't a sure thing, but I know I would enjoy. If the webinar makes the whole online MSW thing seem like pure insanity, then I take the sure thing, go pee in a cup tomorrow and hope for the best.
In the mean time I have to find the energy to clean the kitchen before it is declared a hazardous waste zone and condemned. The rest of the house also needs an overhaul, but is less urgent.
It also seems that there may be a possibility that I can clear up the 'unofficial withdrawal' from VT without having to pay anything, or at least without having to pay as much. Keep your fingers crossed, I'll find out in July.
Now I just have to find money to eat and we'll be good.
Then we have school. I could try to get accepted to USC's online program for a MSW to start this fall. Then it wouldn't matter as much that my hours are less flexible. But, I've already signed up for classes at VT and some of them really have my love and attention. There is no way I can do both (just don't have the money or the time).
I have a webinar to answer questions about USC later today, I should probably go and take my pee test for work, but I think I can push that until tomorrow and be fine. If the webinar answers my questions about how the courses are run, how they are graded, etc. I may try to get in for starting in October. It would make it so I would be finished earlier. Then I could try to get the other position that isn't a sure thing, but I know I would enjoy. If the webinar makes the whole online MSW thing seem like pure insanity, then I take the sure thing, go pee in a cup tomorrow and hope for the best.
In the mean time I have to find the energy to clean the kitchen before it is declared a hazardous waste zone and condemned. The rest of the house also needs an overhaul, but is less urgent.
It also seems that there may be a possibility that I can clear up the 'unofficial withdrawal' from VT without having to pay anything, or at least without having to pay as much. Keep your fingers crossed, I'll find out in July.
Now I just have to find money to eat and we'll be good.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
I DID IT!!!!
I bit the bullet, gave in and shaved my face for the first time in my adult male life! Lips are difficult, both under and over them. cut myself twice, I'll heal, but it will hurt for a little bit.
On a more stupid note. I found a really awesome piece of spoken word poetry called "The Femme Piece" by Ivan E. Coyote. It reminded me of Mara in both content and quality. So I e-mailed a link. It will probably just make her more angry at me, but, I did it anyway. Maybe it will be worth the risk.
On a more stupid note. I found a really awesome piece of spoken word poetry called "The Femme Piece" by Ivan E. Coyote. It reminded me of Mara in both content and quality. So I e-mailed a link. It will probably just make her more angry at me, but, I did it anyway. Maybe it will be worth the risk.
forgot to mention yesterday
shot 6 is in! Officially 2.5 months on T.
So many many things are changing.
I think I may understand why I'm so hesitant to shave and this knowledge scares me. Shaving will mean accepting that I am truly becoming more male. Right at this very moment I am the most comfortable in my body that I have ever been. What happens if I become more male and I'm not as happy as I am right now? Don't get me wrong, I'm loving the fact that I can sometimes feel the hair on my upper lip when I move my mouth just right. But right now its blonde and mostly invisible unless the light hits it just right. Its like my little secret. Maybe I'm not willing to share that just yet. I don't know. I always wanted a beard. When I was little and dad would stop shaving for a couple of days I would often run to him for a hug yelling "beard me daddy beard me", which meant rub your scruffy stubble all over my face. I have no idea why I liked that, but I did. Yet, I can't stand it when I get the occasionally prickly stiff hair that grows out of a scar on my face. It MUST be plucked out immediately. Not because it ever got long enough for anyone to see, but because it itched or tickled or otherwise annoyed me somehow. Is a beard going to do that only in a mega sort of way? I don't know, it just feels like craziness. How can this be me?
At some point I'm going to have to break down, give in and just do this. But, I'm literally paralyzed with fear about picking up the razor. I just can't do it. Yes, I'm a freak, but I am what I am.
So many many things are changing.
I think I may understand why I'm so hesitant to shave and this knowledge scares me. Shaving will mean accepting that I am truly becoming more male. Right at this very moment I am the most comfortable in my body that I have ever been. What happens if I become more male and I'm not as happy as I am right now? Don't get me wrong, I'm loving the fact that I can sometimes feel the hair on my upper lip when I move my mouth just right. But right now its blonde and mostly invisible unless the light hits it just right. Its like my little secret. Maybe I'm not willing to share that just yet. I don't know. I always wanted a beard. When I was little and dad would stop shaving for a couple of days I would often run to him for a hug yelling "beard me daddy beard me", which meant rub your scruffy stubble all over my face. I have no idea why I liked that, but I did. Yet, I can't stand it when I get the occasionally prickly stiff hair that grows out of a scar on my face. It MUST be plucked out immediately. Not because it ever got long enough for anyone to see, but because it itched or tickled or otherwise annoyed me somehow. Is a beard going to do that only in a mega sort of way? I don't know, it just feels like craziness. How can this be me?
At some point I'm going to have to break down, give in and just do this. But, I'm literally paralyzed with fear about picking up the razor. I just can't do it. Yes, I'm a freak, but I am what I am.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Planning for the Future
Well, I've played around with my schedule for classes and I'm now listed as taking 15 hours of classes, i.e a very full load. I may still make some changes before the semester begins. This includes Russian language, psychology, Russian History (which I may make P/F or Audit), and a Women's and Gender Studies class.
I also have downloaded all the forms to apply to Grad School at RU in Social Work. I'm also contemplating apply to UW, but it looks really competitive, and also to USC's online program. I don't plan on actually starting my grad degree until Fall 2012. Applications aren't accepted at RU until November 1, but I might as well get started before classes start.
So, wish me luck, and if you have any feedback on MSW programs or schools, I'd love to hear it.
I also have downloaded all the forms to apply to Grad School at RU in Social Work. I'm also contemplating apply to UW, but it looks really competitive, and also to USC's online program. I don't plan on actually starting my grad degree until Fall 2012. Applications aren't accepted at RU until November 1, but I might as well get started before classes start.
So, wish me luck, and if you have any feedback on MSW programs or schools, I'd love to hear it.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Irrational Fears and horoscope
Why am I afraid to start shaving? Why?
Libra Horoscope for week of June 23, 2011
"Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on," wrote author Samuel Butler. Ain't that the truth! You may be practicing as diligently as you can, gradually trying to master your complex instrument, but in the meantime your lack of expertise is plainly visible to anyone who's paying close attention. Luckily, not too many people pay really close attention, which gives you a significant amount of slack. Now and then, too, you have growth spurts -- phases when your skills suddenly leap to a higher octave. The coming weeks should be one of these times for you, Libra.
Libra Horoscope for week of June 23, 2011
"Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on," wrote author Samuel Butler. Ain't that the truth! You may be practicing as diligently as you can, gradually trying to master your complex instrument, but in the meantime your lack of expertise is plainly visible to anyone who's paying close attention. Luckily, not too many people pay really close attention, which gives you a significant amount of slack. Now and then, too, you have growth spurts -- phases when your skills suddenly leap to a higher octave. The coming weeks should be one of these times for you, Libra.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Its all about growth and change and new understandings
I've been hinting for a while now that I've had a lot of stuff running through my head that I would be writing about soon. Well, the time has come.
As if you couldn't have guessed, my life has been in a state of serious flux this entire year. The road has been rocky at some points, remarkably smooth at others, and a confusing mess of interchanges from time to time. The big ol' depression that rocked my world this winter seems to be holding itself at bay, but has had ripple effects throughout my life. It was the catalyst for transitioning, because I finally understood that unless my body changed my mind was going to keep going through depression after depression until I got the message. What I didn't realize were the other aspects of my life that might also be called into question as a result. Everything from school to work to love to sex, all aspects of me are going through Q & A sessions to find out what really fits. And I'm coming up with conclusions and answers that I never imagined would sit comfortably with me. I was born and raised in a small rural community that is predominantly Baptist or Brethern, meaning rather conservative. Because of this there are always certain things about 'the wild side' that scared the crap out of me. Nakedness, drugs, pornography, and even sex. There were things in this world that I just didn't want to know anything about. I couldn't imagine being naked with a group of people, maybe that comes from having been chewed out for an hour when I was like 8 for skinny dipping with a co-ed group of people, maybe it had to do with the fact that I was so body conscious that I didn't want anyone to see my body. Lets face it, I got dressed and undressed in my sleeping bag at summer camp, I avoided public showers, and I just really didn't want anyone to see me naked. Suddenly, the thought of being naked in public doesn't bother me, even though my body really hasn't changed.
I was also rather dogmatic about drugs. No drugs, not now, not ever. Didn't want to date anyone who did drugs. Had a strict drug free policy with people I was dating. Now, I'm not so sure. Given the right time and place and the security of people of I trust, I might consider it. Not that I'm thinking of hitting the crack pipe or doing anything extremely scary, but pot, ecstacy, might not be so bad to try just once or twice.
And then there is porn. Okay, it never did anything for me, so I couldn't imagine watching it. However, now that I have the sex drive of a 13 yo, I find it 'stimulating' (he says tongue in cheek). I prefer less stupid porn, and I don't know if that variety actually exists. Something with a real plot, good dialog, AND erotic images would be very nice. I don't think that actually exists, so if anyone has recommendations, feel free to send them my way!
And then there is sex. I always imagined sex was a one on one thing and that was all that was necessary. That is changing too. I'm starting to actually figure out masturbation (go ahead and laugh, but I never masturbated as a teen or an adult, even during the 5 year dry spell on sex! I never knew how and it never worked for me) So, I'm learning. I'm missing having a partner, because I enjoy giving pleasure as much as I currently want it! But, one of the things I would never have considered growing up was having sex with more than one person at a time, or being in a multi-person relationship. Now, I'd consider it, just to see if it works for me. My hunch is that it won't, but I'm still curious.
But the physical/sexual changes aren't the only changes. I'm starting to get in touch with some indicators on what I think I should be doing with my life. I'm investigating counseling, social work or psychology as a career. Which means more school, but I'm cool with that. I don't know if a Masters will do, or if I'll need to get a PhD. I see myself working with LGBT youth and adults who are struggling to come to terms with their identity. The other thought that has been very prominent is that I need to work with the Russian LGBT movement. There are enough people in the US to fight for the rights of LGBT individuals. In Russia there aren't that many and they are afraid (not all, but I don't blame the ones that are). I've never in my life thought of becoming an activist on any issue. I'm generally content on maintaining the status quo, and making small changes in my own life that I hope will affect others positively. So, what is going on in my head that suddenly wants to make me jump on a plane to Moscow and try to save Gay Pride and start a trans movement? Where is this coming from?
It would be so easy to just blame it all on the T, but there is more to it than that. I think my relationship with Mara really opened up my mind in a lot of ways. I just couldn't see it when we were together. She unlocked the doors to the 'scary parts' of me, and then the T just shook them open. Its a good thing, its just kind of rocking my world at the moment.
I know that if I end of going to Russia to "save the world" then it is probably a good indicator that my relationship with Mara is never going to re-happen. Its probably not going to re-happen again anyway. That does leave me rather worried that there will never be someone else that can love me for who I am, body, mind and soul. But a quote I recently heard on a tv show said "People don't fall in love with genitalia, they fall in love with people" (or something to that effect). I just need to get out there and find some people. I'm lonely. I have a huge back yard, a grill and four chairs to sit in outside. I have a big screen tv, and a lot of movies to watch. I have board games and card games and a desire to play them with people who interest me. I even like to cook sometimes, but not often. I'm looking for conversation, and flirting and fun. So, if you know anyone, send them my way.
I think that is about it for now. I have a lot of stuff I need to do, like find a new job, fill out some papers to keep from having to re-pay my student loans before school starts again, try to get more unemployment, in case I can't find a job, that sort of thing. I'm searching personals on Zoosk (not much there for SW VA) and also in Russia (the whole of Russia), but I haven't got the money to invest in online dating subscriptions. Still have to figure out how I'm going to pay for an upcoming Dr visit (in August), and blood work in July. DONATIONS ARE APPRECIATED!!
As if you couldn't have guessed, my life has been in a state of serious flux this entire year. The road has been rocky at some points, remarkably smooth at others, and a confusing mess of interchanges from time to time. The big ol' depression that rocked my world this winter seems to be holding itself at bay, but has had ripple effects throughout my life. It was the catalyst for transitioning, because I finally understood that unless my body changed my mind was going to keep going through depression after depression until I got the message. What I didn't realize were the other aspects of my life that might also be called into question as a result. Everything from school to work to love to sex, all aspects of me are going through Q & A sessions to find out what really fits. And I'm coming up with conclusions and answers that I never imagined would sit comfortably with me. I was born and raised in a small rural community that is predominantly Baptist or Brethern, meaning rather conservative. Because of this there are always certain things about 'the wild side' that scared the crap out of me. Nakedness, drugs, pornography, and even sex. There were things in this world that I just didn't want to know anything about. I couldn't imagine being naked with a group of people, maybe that comes from having been chewed out for an hour when I was like 8 for skinny dipping with a co-ed group of people, maybe it had to do with the fact that I was so body conscious that I didn't want anyone to see my body. Lets face it, I got dressed and undressed in my sleeping bag at summer camp, I avoided public showers, and I just really didn't want anyone to see me naked. Suddenly, the thought of being naked in public doesn't bother me, even though my body really hasn't changed.
I was also rather dogmatic about drugs. No drugs, not now, not ever. Didn't want to date anyone who did drugs. Had a strict drug free policy with people I was dating. Now, I'm not so sure. Given the right time and place and the security of people of I trust, I might consider it. Not that I'm thinking of hitting the crack pipe or doing anything extremely scary, but pot, ecstacy, might not be so bad to try just once or twice.
And then there is porn. Okay, it never did anything for me, so I couldn't imagine watching it. However, now that I have the sex drive of a 13 yo, I find it 'stimulating' (he says tongue in cheek). I prefer less stupid porn, and I don't know if that variety actually exists. Something with a real plot, good dialog, AND erotic images would be very nice. I don't think that actually exists, so if anyone has recommendations, feel free to send them my way!
And then there is sex. I always imagined sex was a one on one thing and that was all that was necessary. That is changing too. I'm starting to actually figure out masturbation (go ahead and laugh, but I never masturbated as a teen or an adult, even during the 5 year dry spell on sex! I never knew how and it never worked for me) So, I'm learning. I'm missing having a partner, because I enjoy giving pleasure as much as I currently want it! But, one of the things I would never have considered growing up was having sex with more than one person at a time, or being in a multi-person relationship. Now, I'd consider it, just to see if it works for me. My hunch is that it won't, but I'm still curious.
But the physical/sexual changes aren't the only changes. I'm starting to get in touch with some indicators on what I think I should be doing with my life. I'm investigating counseling, social work or psychology as a career. Which means more school, but I'm cool with that. I don't know if a Masters will do, or if I'll need to get a PhD. I see myself working with LGBT youth and adults who are struggling to come to terms with their identity. The other thought that has been very prominent is that I need to work with the Russian LGBT movement. There are enough people in the US to fight for the rights of LGBT individuals. In Russia there aren't that many and they are afraid (not all, but I don't blame the ones that are). I've never in my life thought of becoming an activist on any issue. I'm generally content on maintaining the status quo, and making small changes in my own life that I hope will affect others positively. So, what is going on in my head that suddenly wants to make me jump on a plane to Moscow and try to save Gay Pride and start a trans movement? Where is this coming from?
It would be so easy to just blame it all on the T, but there is more to it than that. I think my relationship with Mara really opened up my mind in a lot of ways. I just couldn't see it when we were together. She unlocked the doors to the 'scary parts' of me, and then the T just shook them open. Its a good thing, its just kind of rocking my world at the moment.
I know that if I end of going to Russia to "save the world" then it is probably a good indicator that my relationship with Mara is never going to re-happen. Its probably not going to re-happen again anyway. That does leave me rather worried that there will never be someone else that can love me for who I am, body, mind and soul. But a quote I recently heard on a tv show said "People don't fall in love with genitalia, they fall in love with people" (or something to that effect). I just need to get out there and find some people. I'm lonely. I have a huge back yard, a grill and four chairs to sit in outside. I have a big screen tv, and a lot of movies to watch. I have board games and card games and a desire to play them with people who interest me. I even like to cook sometimes, but not often. I'm looking for conversation, and flirting and fun. So, if you know anyone, send them my way.
I think that is about it for now. I have a lot of stuff I need to do, like find a new job, fill out some papers to keep from having to re-pay my student loans before school starts again, try to get more unemployment, in case I can't find a job, that sort of thing. I'm searching personals on Zoosk (not much there for SW VA) and also in Russia (the whole of Russia), but I haven't got the money to invest in online dating subscriptions. Still have to figure out how I'm going to pay for an upcoming Dr visit (in August), and blood work in July. DONATIONS ARE APPRECIATED!!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
lots of thoughts
running through my head. Need to get them in order before I start writing. The past week has been a time of gaining great clarity about some things and finding that my points of view and my acceptance level has shifted. I'll try to explain some of that in my next post.
Its all good. :)
Its all good. :)
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Rob Brezsny's Libra Horoscope for week of June 16, 2011
I'm brave in some ways, cowardly in others. I've gone parasailing, performed on big stages in front of thousands of people, assisted in the birth of two children, and explored the abyss of my own unconscious. On the other hand, I'm scared of confined spaces, can't bring myself to shoot a gun, and am a sissy when it comes time to be around people who are dying. I imagine that you, too, have areas of courage and timidity, Libra. And I suspect that in the coming weeks you will be called to a challenge in both areas. See if you can transfer some of the nervy power you're able to summon in one sphere to bolster you in the place where you're a wimp.
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In an article about storytellers in the Los Angeles Times, Leslie Berger profiled a high school teacher named Luigi Jannuzzi. "He once saved the life of a student who was choking on a Life Saver," Berger wrote, "and thus discovered his own gift of gab: He told the kid a joke so funny that his laughter popped the candy out of his throat."
Make up a story in which your sense of humor saves someone's life.
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
In an article about storytellers in the Los Angeles Times, Leslie Berger profiled a high school teacher named Luigi Jannuzzi. "He once saved the life of a student who was choking on a Life Saver," Berger wrote, "and thus discovered his own gift of gab: He told the kid a joke so funny that his laughter popped the candy out of his throat."
Make up a story in which your sense of humor saves someone's life.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Thinking things through in front of the world
One of my friends recently posted, or perhaps I just read somewhere that due to FB, Myspace, etc we are losing the concept of what privacy really means. I know that I have regularly been told that I should watch what I post on FB because you never know who might be reading it. The thing is, I don't care who is reading it because I usually don't believe anyone is reading what I post. Occasionally I will get a like or a comment, but not all that often. And when it comes to what I blog here, I'm fairly certain that almost no one reads it. But, I'm okay with that. This is where I think. I throw my words out here for the world to see and give me feedback if they so desire. I put my experiences out here so that perhaps others can learn from my life, or see me in a different light than they once did. That's why I post. That's why I write. That's why I wish I had more people in my life that I talk to on a regular basis (then I wouldn't share so much, or maybe I would, I don't know)
Anyway....I'm at one of those pivotal life interchanges where there are so many roads branching off and it feels like I need to make a million decisions (or at least one decision) immediately or I'm just going to end up on the same path forever. I know it isn't true, but that is how it feels at times. Right now, I'm having mom issues. She loves me and she is worried about me and I respect that, I also feel like she is a little too close in my life right now. I want space to figure things out and I don't know how to ask for it without hurting her feelings. So, I'm thinking about whether or not I want to stay in Floyd. I honestly don't have the means to make ANY sort of move right now, but part of me is feeling the urge to head back to the Pacific Northwest. It felt as much like home there as it ever has here. Don't misunderstand, I love living here in Floyd, and I think there are reasons why I'm here, but I don't think I'll end up staying. Part of me wonders if I'm not staying because I know if I leave there might never be another chance for Mara and I. Maybe I have to leave for there to be a chance. Who knows? So, that's one of the intersections Where to live?
The next would be What to do? I know I need to find a job of some sort pretty darn soon. But, I'm hesitant to take the job down the hill only to possibly find something else in a few weeks that I really want to do and then leave family in the lurch because I'm going to take care of me. That seems wrong. But, I need a pay check, so I don't know.
Part two of that is trying to figure out what I want to do for the LONG TERM. What do I want to be when I grow up? Right now, I'm seriously wrestling between being a Vet Tech, which I know I love, but has little prospect for a bright financial future, and a serious ceiling on how high I can climb and going into counseling (meaning me as the counselor, I'm already in counseling as the patient!) Becoming a counselor has been on my list of career possibilities for 20 years. I just never really knew how to go about getting started, and the one time I tried life got in the way. But, what if neither is the right path for me? What if I go to school for another 3 years, end up $50K in debt with student loans and still can only find a job making $8/hr? What then?
Then I wonder if I'm going to be doing all of this alone forever? I mean, its a valid fear. I don't know how to go about telling someone that I'm interested in that I'm trans, although I told Mara during our first lunch together, the fact was that I wasn't transitioning. Now, I am. At some point I'll stop looking like a woman, how am I going to attract a beautiful lesbian into my arms if I look like a man? (yes, I thought of this before I started transitioning, and no, it didn't stop me!) Being that I can't even find a lesbian to date here in Floyd maybe the possibility of moving back West makes more sense if I don't want to be alone. Although, damn it, I still believe in possibilities.
Then of course, we hit the intersection of How am I going to do any of these things? And that is really where I get stuck, because I don't know. A friend told me last night that I'll never get anywhere without a solid goal that I can visualize. I don't know that I have a goal, or perhaps I have too many goals and I can't pick just one. I don't know where the money is going to come from. I don't know where the time will come from for classes depending on the job that I have (I'm assuming that I WILL have a job by September!)
Mostly, right now, I'm thinking about the where. I miss the beauty of Seattle. I miss the people of Seattle. I miss the possibilities of Seattle. I was reminded today that when I left Seattle that I stated it was because "I didn't feel like I belonged there" Maybe I don't belong anywhere. Maybe I needed to be here in order to learn something about myself that will allow me to belong somewhere, with someone, doing something that I love. I'm just going to keep believing that until I get a clearer picture of my goal. Right now, I can see the sun setting over the Olympic mountains across the Puget Sound. I'm on the viaduct heading North, the windows in the car are down and I can smell the fish air rising up from below. The city is quiet for a city, and twinkling in the sunlight reflections on the mirrored windows of the sky scrapers. In the rear view mirror I can see Mt. Rainier glowing in pink radiance as the clouds float by and the moon rises to the East. The air is cool and refreshing, and all I can think of is "I live in the most beautiful place on Earth, how lucky I am to be here."
Anyway....I'm at one of those pivotal life interchanges where there are so many roads branching off and it feels like I need to make a million decisions (or at least one decision) immediately or I'm just going to end up on the same path forever. I know it isn't true, but that is how it feels at times. Right now, I'm having mom issues. She loves me and she is worried about me and I respect that, I also feel like she is a little too close in my life right now. I want space to figure things out and I don't know how to ask for it without hurting her feelings. So, I'm thinking about whether or not I want to stay in Floyd. I honestly don't have the means to make ANY sort of move right now, but part of me is feeling the urge to head back to the Pacific Northwest. It felt as much like home there as it ever has here. Don't misunderstand, I love living here in Floyd, and I think there are reasons why I'm here, but I don't think I'll end up staying. Part of me wonders if I'm not staying because I know if I leave there might never be another chance for Mara and I. Maybe I have to leave for there to be a chance. Who knows? So, that's one of the intersections Where to live?
The next would be What to do? I know I need to find a job of some sort pretty darn soon. But, I'm hesitant to take the job down the hill only to possibly find something else in a few weeks that I really want to do and then leave family in the lurch because I'm going to take care of me. That seems wrong. But, I need a pay check, so I don't know.
Part two of that is trying to figure out what I want to do for the LONG TERM. What do I want to be when I grow up? Right now, I'm seriously wrestling between being a Vet Tech, which I know I love, but has little prospect for a bright financial future, and a serious ceiling on how high I can climb and going into counseling (meaning me as the counselor, I'm already in counseling as the patient!) Becoming a counselor has been on my list of career possibilities for 20 years. I just never really knew how to go about getting started, and the one time I tried life got in the way. But, what if neither is the right path for me? What if I go to school for another 3 years, end up $50K in debt with student loans and still can only find a job making $8/hr? What then?
Then I wonder if I'm going to be doing all of this alone forever? I mean, its a valid fear. I don't know how to go about telling someone that I'm interested in that I'm trans, although I told Mara during our first lunch together, the fact was that I wasn't transitioning. Now, I am. At some point I'll stop looking like a woman, how am I going to attract a beautiful lesbian into my arms if I look like a man? (yes, I thought of this before I started transitioning, and no, it didn't stop me!) Being that I can't even find a lesbian to date here in Floyd maybe the possibility of moving back West makes more sense if I don't want to be alone. Although, damn it, I still believe in possibilities.
Then of course, we hit the intersection of How am I going to do any of these things? And that is really where I get stuck, because I don't know. A friend told me last night that I'll never get anywhere without a solid goal that I can visualize. I don't know that I have a goal, or perhaps I have too many goals and I can't pick just one. I don't know where the money is going to come from. I don't know where the time will come from for classes depending on the job that I have (I'm assuming that I WILL have a job by September!)
Mostly, right now, I'm thinking about the where. I miss the beauty of Seattle. I miss the people of Seattle. I miss the possibilities of Seattle. I was reminded today that when I left Seattle that I stated it was because "I didn't feel like I belonged there" Maybe I don't belong anywhere. Maybe I needed to be here in order to learn something about myself that will allow me to belong somewhere, with someone, doing something that I love. I'm just going to keep believing that until I get a clearer picture of my goal. Right now, I can see the sun setting over the Olympic mountains across the Puget Sound. I'm on the viaduct heading North, the windows in the car are down and I can smell the fish air rising up from below. The city is quiet for a city, and twinkling in the sunlight reflections on the mirrored windows of the sky scrapers. In the rear view mirror I can see Mt. Rainier glowing in pink radiance as the clouds float by and the moon rises to the East. The air is cool and refreshing, and all I can think of is "I live in the most beautiful place on Earth, how lucky I am to be here."
Special Request!
I applied for a really AWESOME sounding position (well, not that awesome, but definitely a foot in the door doing something that I may want to do forever) this morning. So, say a prayer, keep your fingers crossed, burn a candle, or whatever you believe in to send some good luck and happy vibes my way for this thing. I'd greatly appreciate it!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
ch ch ch changes!
After two days (more if I'm honest) of agonizing decision making, I've decided to quit the job at the big box home improvement store. I was not meant to work outside in the summer heat in SW VA. Lets face it, it was a bad idea on my part. I thought I could handle it, I was wrong. Now I just have to figure out what is next and make it happen. Not at all certain how I'm going to manage that financially, but we'll see.
In other news, I had shot #5 of T on Friday. I think I may have mentioned that already. It hurt, but oh well. My voice has deepened a lot since I started, which is cool. The doctor wasn't all that optimistic that it would drop so low since I'm older (i.e. not in my 20's any more). I also think that my hips and thighs are getting smaller, but I can't say that for certain. I'll have to try on some once tight pants to find out. The acne on my chest is clearing up, or seems to be any way. Hopefully it will stay gone. I have a fair amount of blonde hair on my upper lip, and the beginnings of a soul patch. Seeing one or two whiskers on the chin too (I think). Admittedly, I'm a little nervous about shaving. This seems a bit weird to me since I practiced shaving my face a lot when I was a little kid. I was always using dad's razor (blade-less) and lots of shaving cream, but that was then, this is now. Also, I do have to embarrassingly admit that my sex drive has started to soar. I thought I missed having a girlfriend before, well, I miss having one worse now. But, I'm learning to cope (blush).
I, sadly, am also still really really tired. But I think that may be more a factor of heat exhaustion from work, than from the hormones. Who knows?
Anyway....I'll be thinking about what else I can share and posting more soon.
In other news, I had shot #5 of T on Friday. I think I may have mentioned that already. It hurt, but oh well. My voice has deepened a lot since I started, which is cool. The doctor wasn't all that optimistic that it would drop so low since I'm older (i.e. not in my 20's any more). I also think that my hips and thighs are getting smaller, but I can't say that for certain. I'll have to try on some once tight pants to find out. The acne on my chest is clearing up, or seems to be any way. Hopefully it will stay gone. I have a fair amount of blonde hair on my upper lip, and the beginnings of a soul patch. Seeing one or two whiskers on the chin too (I think). Admittedly, I'm a little nervous about shaving. This seems a bit weird to me since I practiced shaving my face a lot when I was a little kid. I was always using dad's razor (blade-less) and lots of shaving cream, but that was then, this is now. Also, I do have to embarrassingly admit that my sex drive has started to soar. I thought I missed having a girlfriend before, well, I miss having one worse now. But, I'm learning to cope (blush).
I, sadly, am also still really really tired. But I think that may be more a factor of heat exhaustion from work, than from the hormones. Who knows?
Anyway....I'll be thinking about what else I can share and posting more soon.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Just a few little things
The new job has been keeping me really busy, bored and more than a little sick. I actually called in today because I just didn't think it was a good idea for me to go in. My digestive system really doesn't respond well to high temperatures. I'll leave it at that, use your imagination if you need to.
Aside from that, I'm working on finding a new improved job with less direct sunlight and more air conditioning. I'll keep you posted.
Shot #5 went in yesterday. It was pretty painful, still don't know why. Doing better now.
Beyond that, not much going on. I'll update more soon. Try to do some writing (maybe later today depending on how I'm feeling). Its time for some soul searching.
Aside from that, I'm working on finding a new improved job with less direct sunlight and more air conditioning. I'll keep you posted.
Shot #5 went in yesterday. It was pretty painful, still don't know why. Doing better now.
Beyond that, not much going on. I'll update more soon. Try to do some writing (maybe later today depending on how I'm feeling). Its time for some soul searching.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Therapy Card for 6/6/11
Today I will ask God to help me let go of my need to be afraid. I welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety into my life. I will make a point of listening to my healthy, rational fears, and will relinquish all others.
Libra Horoscope for week of June 9, 2011
According to research published in The Journal of Personality, many college students prefer ego strokes to sex. Given the choice between making love with a desirable partner and receiving a nice big compliment, a majority opted for the latter. In the near future, Libra, it's important that you not act like one of these self-esteem-starved wimps. You need the emotional and physical catharsis that can come from erotic union and other sources of pleasurable intensity far more than you need to have your pride propped up.
I invite you to keep a running list of all the ways life delights you and helps you and energizes you. Describe everyday miracles you take for granted . . . the uncanny powers you possess . . . the small joys that occur so routinely you forget how much they mean to you . . . the steady flow of benefits bestowed on you by people you know and don't know. What works for you? What makes you feel at home in the world?
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
In the film Fight Club, the character played by Brad Pitt storms into a convenience store with a gun, then herds the clerk out back and threatens to execute him. While the poor man quivers in terror, Pitt asks him questions about himself, extracting the confession that he'd once wanted to be a veterinarian but dropped out of school. After a few minutes, Pitt frees the clerk without harming him, but says that unless he takes steps to return to veterinary school in the next six weeks, he will hunt him down and kill him.
In my opinion, that's an overly extreme way to motivate someone to do what's good for him. I wish I could come up with a less shocking approach to coax you into resuming the quest for your deferred dreams. Can you think of anything?
I invite you to keep a running list of all the ways life delights you and helps you and energizes you. Describe everyday miracles you take for granted . . . the uncanny powers you possess . . . the small joys that occur so routinely you forget how much they mean to you . . . the steady flow of benefits bestowed on you by people you know and don't know. What works for you? What makes you feel at home in the world?
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
In the film Fight Club, the character played by Brad Pitt storms into a convenience store with a gun, then herds the clerk out back and threatens to execute him. While the poor man quivers in terror, Pitt asks him questions about himself, extracting the confession that he'd once wanted to be a veterinarian but dropped out of school. After a few minutes, Pitt frees the clerk without harming him, but says that unless he takes steps to return to veterinary school in the next six weeks, he will hunt him down and kill him.
In my opinion, that's an overly extreme way to motivate someone to do what's good for him. I wish I could come up with a less shocking approach to coax you into resuming the quest for your deferred dreams. Can you think of anything?
Saturday, June 4, 2011
bits and pieces
Having received zero comments on my last post I'm assuming that means no one cares if my posts are a bit racy, so be warned they will be coming.
Secondly, I don't like my new job. If anyone knows of anything else that I can do that pays just a little above minimum wage (or preferably much more than minimum wage), Please let me know how to apply.
Thirdly, I think I can safely say that I have achieved hair growth. My upper lip definitely has the beginnings of a nice blonde mustache, and I also have the start of a soul patch under the lower lip (cool, except I was never fond of them). And I definitely have more hair in my armpits than ever before (of course since for 40 years I only had about 3 hairs each pit, anything is more) and I think my leg hair is getting heavier.
Fourth, voice can't make up its mind.
Fifth, my period seems to be thinking about it again! DAMN
And I think that is all for the moment. I'll try to write something longer and more profound later today or tomorrow, since these are the last days I'll have off for the next 7. YUCK!
Secondly, I don't like my new job. If anyone knows of anything else that I can do that pays just a little above minimum wage (or preferably much more than minimum wage), Please let me know how to apply.
Thirdly, I think I can safely say that I have achieved hair growth. My upper lip definitely has the beginnings of a nice blonde mustache, and I also have the start of a soul patch under the lower lip (cool, except I was never fond of them). And I definitely have more hair in my armpits than ever before (of course since for 40 years I only had about 3 hairs each pit, anything is more) and I think my leg hair is getting heavier.
Fourth, voice can't make up its mind.
Fifth, my period seems to be thinking about it again! DAMN
And I think that is all for the moment. I'll try to write something longer and more profound later today or tomorrow, since these are the last days I'll have off for the next 7. YUCK!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Opinions Please?
Considering writing/posting a rather risqué article (can I call these posts articles?). Current topic would have to do with sex, masturbation, sex drive, you get the picture.....
Any objections or other thoughts on the subject?
Any objections or other thoughts on the subject?
Libra Horoscope for week of June 2, 2011
When people unsubscribe from my newsletter, they're asked to say why they're leaving. In a recent note, a dissatisfied customer wrote, "Because you are a crackhead who makes no sense. You sound like you write these horoscopes while you're stoned on mushrooms." For the record, I not only refrain from crack and magic mushrooms while crafting your oracles; I don't partake of any intoxicants at any other time, either -- not even beer or pot. I'm secretly a bit proud, however, that the irate ex-reader thinks my drug-free mind is so wild. In the coming week, Libra, I invite you to try an experiment inspired by this scenario: Without losing your mind, see if you can shed some of the habitual restrictions you allow to impinge on the free and creative play of your mind.
*
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Sometimes the best gift you can give your ego is to tell it you're not going to be its slave anymore. You say to it, "I'm tired of being whipped around by every one of your ever-shifting little needs, and I'm sick of having to kowtow to your inexhaustible demands. I want to be free of your insatiable craving to be appreciated, recognized, and adored. Go away and leave me alone. I'm just going to be who I am without worrying about you at all."
Delivering this message may stimulate a healing crisis. Your ego could be temporarily rendered numb and irrelevant by its near death experience, and you'll get to go off and do what your soul wants to do.
Tell your ego you won't be its slave for a period of three days.
**Shedding habitual restrictions sounds like a really good plan, I think I will try that. Not sure about the slave to the ego portion though, mostly because I'm not certain I am a slave to my ego. If you know of ways that I am, please let me know so that I can work on it!
*
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Sometimes the best gift you can give your ego is to tell it you're not going to be its slave anymore. You say to it, "I'm tired of being whipped around by every one of your ever-shifting little needs, and I'm sick of having to kowtow to your inexhaustible demands. I want to be free of your insatiable craving to be appreciated, recognized, and adored. Go away and leave me alone. I'm just going to be who I am without worrying about you at all."
Delivering this message may stimulate a healing crisis. Your ego could be temporarily rendered numb and irrelevant by its near death experience, and you'll get to go off and do what your soul wants to do.
Tell your ego you won't be its slave for a period of three days.
**Shedding habitual restrictions sounds like a really good plan, I think I will try that. Not sure about the slave to the ego portion though, mostly because I'm not certain I am a slave to my ego. If you know of ways that I am, please let me know so that I can work on it!
Friday, May 27, 2011
Relational Understandings
I promised I would post on Friday. This is not the newly revised totally new piece that I was going to write. This is what I composed earlier this week, with only minor edits. I will probably still write the new piece later, I just haven't had the time or the brain cells for it yet. Incidentally, yesterday would have been 7 months.
It is quickly approaching what would have been my 7 month anniversary with Mara. Sadly, it is also quickly approaching the 4 month anniversary of our break-up. It still seems so sad to me that what started with such promise died so quickly. I'm still listening to Adele's 21 and 19 which have become the break-up albums for this relationship (every relationship I've ever had has seemed to have one). There are just so many lines of so many songs that seem so appropriate that I can't stop listening. It doesn't break my heart anymore to hear them, but instead makes me smile a little and reminds me of what I've lost, which is an okay place to be. I guess that means that I am healing.
A few weeks ago I decided to read some of the old e-mails from Mara to me and vice-versa. I hadn't looked at them since they first arrived in my inbox. It was startling to read them now and see just how powerful our feelings had been and also how frightened Mara was of trusting me. And yet, she did. She trusted me to not be like the relationships from her past that had caused her so much pain and remorse. She trusted me not to hurt her, to be that "stand up" person that was consistently reliable, stable, sane, and capable of unconditional love for her and her daughter. I failed to live up to the expectations.
Mara had been able to accept parts of me that I wasn't sure I was ready to accept. Mainly, she accepted me as Aaron Christopher. I, on the other hand, had spent 11 years denying that part of me because I wasn't ready to explain it to my Mom and Dad or anyone else that wasn't of my generation. So, I did what I had always done, and chose not to focus on it and instead focused totally on Mara. As with all the previous relationships, this failed miserably. I have since learned that you cannot focus solely on the needs of one partner and totally deny your own needs. You can't help someone else be happy if you aren't happy with yourself. And, most importantly no one wants to be around someone who is in complete denial of their true self, what they want from life, etc, and is completely co-dependent on the reactions of their mother! I had no idea what co-dependency really meant until March, which was several months after Mara and I split up. Now, I'm working on it, well, the ending of the co-dependency shuffle in my life. It ain't easy.
I also read some of the e-mails and letters that I had written to Mara towards the end of things. There were so many times that I wrote about our relationship ending, being afraid that it was ending, thinking that perhaps it should end, how little time we had actually been happy together. I wonder now if I really wanted to be in the relationship or if I was just trying to beat Mara to the punch of ending it so I wouldn't be the one getting hurt. We didn't have an easy 2.5 months together. My dog died within two weeks of us starting to date, then I got a raging e-coli infection in my kidneys, then the holidays, rehearsals, and PTSD issues hit, as well as final exams, final papers, snow fall, and eventually starting school again. There was little time for us to really get to know each other before things just got all messed up. And yet, I can tell you that the happy times we had together were some of the happiest of my life. I was finally with someone who truly made me feel loved and accepted in all things. I could be myself and it was not only okay, but it was good. I was part of a family and I loved it. Admittedly, I was very out of practice when it came to establishing a relationship with a 13 y/o, but I loved spending time with her and her friends nevertheless. I loved the pseudo-parental responsibilities that I got to take on, shuffling her from one rehearsal to another, picking her up after school, driving her places, being there when she got off the bus if Mara couldn't be. I loved watching Glee with her on Tuesday nights, and sharing movies and Netflix TV at other times. I loved feeling like the proud parent in the audience, having that feeling of "One day I'll get to say I knew her when...." because she is going to be amazing. I still have no idea how she ever really felt about me, but I love her. She is such a beautiful, amazing, smart, talented, extraordinary kid.
Looking back, maybe I put on my rose colored glasses (which I actually had, but gave to Mara at some point) and thought everything was perfect. It wasn't perfect, sometimes it wasn't even good but, it had the potential to become a beautiful thing if only I hadn't gone so horribly wrong. Don't misunderstand, I don't rest the blame solely on my shoulders, it was shared by both Mara and I quite equally I imagine. But, my resolve to once again deny my gender identity was the catalyst for the depression that started in December and resulted in a lot of the issues that blew-up between us. I take full responsibility for that portion. When we split up, Mara stated "I don't even know who you are any more." She was right, she didn't. I didn't know who I was any more. I had lost my self by pushing pieces of me back into the basement of my soul. It’s been nearly 4 months and I can tell you that I am the person that Mara met in October, but I'm not fully healed. My identity is not fully solidified; I'm still working on that. But, I am back to being the stable, sane, responsible, capable, person that I was when Mara fell in love with me.
I have no idea if there is hope for reconciliation. I'd still like to believe that there is. Yes, I know I stated that there were more bad times than good with us, but the good was so good that I think the bad could have been worked through. In the early days we wondered why it was that we hadn't met earlier. I mean, we essentially grew up in the same town from age 8 until 18, we dated the same boy, just not at the same time. We've lived in the same town again for the past 3 years and yet we didn't meet until last year. Maybe it still wasn't our time to be together and that time will still come if hearts can be mended and hurts can be forgiven. I know that I bear no ill-will to Mara for ending our relationship when she did. She made a very difficult decision to walk away from a person who was not sane at the time in order to protect herself and her child. I respect and admire her ability to do that. If I had been in her place I don't know that I could have made that decision and held my ground. That being said, having tried once before to put a relationship back together after it had ended I know how hard it can be to let go of the fear that you are just repeating your mistakes. I don't know that I can let go of the fear that if she senses I'm having a bad day she won't run away thinking that it is another depressive episode waiting to happen. I don't know that she could ever really trust me not to hurt her or change into that crazy person who said so many horrible things to her. Only time will tell I guess. I know that I love her, some days I wish that I didn't because it would be nice not to feel this emptiness, other days I'm glad that I do because it is still such a living thing that I don’t feel empty at all. It's a catch-22 I guess. Only time will tell if we can forgive ourselves and each other and move forward. Right now, I've learned to let go, not of the feelings I have, but at least of Mara. I've stopped looking for her everywhere I go. When I see her I'm not trying to talk to her. I'm not composing letters to her begging for forgiveness and asking for a chance to try again. She needs time and space and a chance to heal. I'm here if she wants to talk, and I'm okay if she doesn't. I still feel that she is the Yin to my Yang, or perhaps it’s the other way around. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever known. Her smile makes me weak in the knees and melts my heart. Maybe someday that smile that brightens my day will be again directed at me.
It is quickly approaching what would have been my 7 month anniversary with Mara. Sadly, it is also quickly approaching the 4 month anniversary of our break-up. It still seems so sad to me that what started with such promise died so quickly. I'm still listening to Adele's 21 and 19 which have become the break-up albums for this relationship (every relationship I've ever had has seemed to have one). There are just so many lines of so many songs that seem so appropriate that I can't stop listening. It doesn't break my heart anymore to hear them, but instead makes me smile a little and reminds me of what I've lost, which is an okay place to be. I guess that means that I am healing.
A few weeks ago I decided to read some of the old e-mails from Mara to me and vice-versa. I hadn't looked at them since they first arrived in my inbox. It was startling to read them now and see just how powerful our feelings had been and also how frightened Mara was of trusting me. And yet, she did. She trusted me to not be like the relationships from her past that had caused her so much pain and remorse. She trusted me not to hurt her, to be that "stand up" person that was consistently reliable, stable, sane, and capable of unconditional love for her and her daughter. I failed to live up to the expectations.
Mara had been able to accept parts of me that I wasn't sure I was ready to accept. Mainly, she accepted me as Aaron Christopher. I, on the other hand, had spent 11 years denying that part of me because I wasn't ready to explain it to my Mom and Dad or anyone else that wasn't of my generation. So, I did what I had always done, and chose not to focus on it and instead focused totally on Mara. As with all the previous relationships, this failed miserably. I have since learned that you cannot focus solely on the needs of one partner and totally deny your own needs. You can't help someone else be happy if you aren't happy with yourself. And, most importantly no one wants to be around someone who is in complete denial of their true self, what they want from life, etc, and is completely co-dependent on the reactions of their mother! I had no idea what co-dependency really meant until March, which was several months after Mara and I split up. Now, I'm working on it, well, the ending of the co-dependency shuffle in my life. It ain't easy.
I also read some of the e-mails and letters that I had written to Mara towards the end of things. There were so many times that I wrote about our relationship ending, being afraid that it was ending, thinking that perhaps it should end, how little time we had actually been happy together. I wonder now if I really wanted to be in the relationship or if I was just trying to beat Mara to the punch of ending it so I wouldn't be the one getting hurt. We didn't have an easy 2.5 months together. My dog died within two weeks of us starting to date, then I got a raging e-coli infection in my kidneys, then the holidays, rehearsals, and PTSD issues hit, as well as final exams, final papers, snow fall, and eventually starting school again. There was little time for us to really get to know each other before things just got all messed up. And yet, I can tell you that the happy times we had together were some of the happiest of my life. I was finally with someone who truly made me feel loved and accepted in all things. I could be myself and it was not only okay, but it was good. I was part of a family and I loved it. Admittedly, I was very out of practice when it came to establishing a relationship with a 13 y/o, but I loved spending time with her and her friends nevertheless. I loved the pseudo-parental responsibilities that I got to take on, shuffling her from one rehearsal to another, picking her up after school, driving her places, being there when she got off the bus if Mara couldn't be. I loved watching Glee with her on Tuesday nights, and sharing movies and Netflix TV at other times. I loved feeling like the proud parent in the audience, having that feeling of "One day I'll get to say I knew her when...." because she is going to be amazing. I still have no idea how she ever really felt about me, but I love her. She is such a beautiful, amazing, smart, talented, extraordinary kid.
Looking back, maybe I put on my rose colored glasses (which I actually had, but gave to Mara at some point) and thought everything was perfect. It wasn't perfect, sometimes it wasn't even good but, it had the potential to become a beautiful thing if only I hadn't gone so horribly wrong. Don't misunderstand, I don't rest the blame solely on my shoulders, it was shared by both Mara and I quite equally I imagine. But, my resolve to once again deny my gender identity was the catalyst for the depression that started in December and resulted in a lot of the issues that blew-up between us. I take full responsibility for that portion. When we split up, Mara stated "I don't even know who you are any more." She was right, she didn't. I didn't know who I was any more. I had lost my self by pushing pieces of me back into the basement of my soul. It’s been nearly 4 months and I can tell you that I am the person that Mara met in October, but I'm not fully healed. My identity is not fully solidified; I'm still working on that. But, I am back to being the stable, sane, responsible, capable, person that I was when Mara fell in love with me.
I have no idea if there is hope for reconciliation. I'd still like to believe that there is. Yes, I know I stated that there were more bad times than good with us, but the good was so good that I think the bad could have been worked through. In the early days we wondered why it was that we hadn't met earlier. I mean, we essentially grew up in the same town from age 8 until 18, we dated the same boy, just not at the same time. We've lived in the same town again for the past 3 years and yet we didn't meet until last year. Maybe it still wasn't our time to be together and that time will still come if hearts can be mended and hurts can be forgiven. I know that I bear no ill-will to Mara for ending our relationship when she did. She made a very difficult decision to walk away from a person who was not sane at the time in order to protect herself and her child. I respect and admire her ability to do that. If I had been in her place I don't know that I could have made that decision and held my ground. That being said, having tried once before to put a relationship back together after it had ended I know how hard it can be to let go of the fear that you are just repeating your mistakes. I don't know that I can let go of the fear that if she senses I'm having a bad day she won't run away thinking that it is another depressive episode waiting to happen. I don't know that she could ever really trust me not to hurt her or change into that crazy person who said so many horrible things to her. Only time will tell I guess. I know that I love her, some days I wish that I didn't because it would be nice not to feel this emptiness, other days I'm glad that I do because it is still such a living thing that I don’t feel empty at all. It's a catch-22 I guess. Only time will tell if we can forgive ourselves and each other and move forward. Right now, I've learned to let go, not of the feelings I have, but at least of Mara. I've stopped looking for her everywhere I go. When I see her I'm not trying to talk to her. I'm not composing letters to her begging for forgiveness and asking for a chance to try again. She needs time and space and a chance to heal. I'm here if she wants to talk, and I'm okay if she doesn't. I still feel that she is the Yin to my Yang, or perhaps it’s the other way around. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever known. Her smile makes me weak in the knees and melts my heart. Maybe someday that smile that brightens my day will be again directed at me.
Proceeding!
Just saying that shot 4 is in, and I've been on T for 6 weeks now. Yipppeee! Now, definitely want to see some changes (just little things, and maybe nothing that anyone else will notice. I'm not in a hurry for the visible. :) )
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Libra Horoscope for week of May 26, 2011
According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the longest love letter in history was written by an Indian man named Harish Kondakkuli. The gushing 143-page message took him over three months to complete. Oddly, it was addressed to an imaginary woman, since there was no one in his life he was actually in love with. I encourage you to consider the possibility of exceeding his achievement in the coming weeks, Libra. You're at the peak of your ability to express wickedly delicious passions and profoundly tender intentions. There may even be a real person, not an imaginary one, who warrants your extravagant outflow.
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The German word selig can mean "ecstatic," "blessed," or "holy." It implies that profound bliss can be a divine gift; that deep pleasure may generate or come from spiritual inspiration.
The English language doesn't have a term comparable to selig, maybe because our culture regards ecstasy with suspicion. Religious people tend to believe that the blessed are those who are good and kind, certainly not those who are skilled at cultivating rapturous states. People who worship rationality, on the other hand, like intellectuals and scientists, often think of ecstasy as at best an irrelevant state, and at worst a nonproductive or deluded indulgence.
What would you have to do to place yourself in intimate alignment with the values embodied by the word selig?
(My answer. To find myself in intimate alignment with selig I would need to become more comfortable with my body. Find a way to stop the disconnect between my body, my brain and my ecstasy. That's something I'm working on. I want to find the way to unlock the door between my mental pleasure and my physical pleasure, and allow the two to exist simultaneously.)
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
The German word selig can mean "ecstatic," "blessed," or "holy." It implies that profound bliss can be a divine gift; that deep pleasure may generate or come from spiritual inspiration.
The English language doesn't have a term comparable to selig, maybe because our culture regards ecstasy with suspicion. Religious people tend to believe that the blessed are those who are good and kind, certainly not those who are skilled at cultivating rapturous states. People who worship rationality, on the other hand, like intellectuals and scientists, often think of ecstasy as at best an irrelevant state, and at worst a nonproductive or deluded indulgence.
What would you have to do to place yourself in intimate alignment with the values embodied by the word selig?
(My answer. To find myself in intimate alignment with selig I would need to become more comfortable with my body. Find a way to stop the disconnect between my body, my brain and my ecstasy. That's something I'm working on. I want to find the way to unlock the door between my mental pleasure and my physical pleasure, and allow the two to exist simultaneously.)
Monday, May 23, 2011
Working on it!
Well, day two on the new job was relatively uneventful. Spent most of the 6 hours I was there doing online training. Not too bad, just slow and somewhat mind numbing.
Also, just an update, I'm working on the post about relationships that I promised in the last blog, it is not just sitting on the back burner (unlike the dishes and planting roses) I'll get them done eventually.
Also, just an update, I'm working on the post about relationships that I promised in the last blog, it is not just sitting on the back burner (unlike the dishes and planting roses) I'll get them done eventually.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Lots going on
So many things are going on these days it is difficult to know where to begin. I guess I should start by saying that I have a job! Yippppeeee! Its nothing amazing, I'm working at Lowe's, but it should be fun and will hopefully help pay the bills. Assuming I don't leave my paycheck in the store!
Secondly, I had a really great meeting with a professor in the Women's and Gender Studies department at VT. I'm considering trying to get into grad school in the Sociology department go for my Masters with a concentration in Women's and Gender Studies. Right now, I'm not certain I have the GPA to get accepted, but we'll see what happens by next Fall. They only accept people into the program in the Fall, and I doubt I can get in for August. Maybe I should talk to the director of Grad Studies in Sociology. Maybe I could start this fall, that would be insane! Regardless, there is a possibility that I'll get to tell my story to the Intro classes this Fall and Spring. I'm really excited to think about that. I love speaking in front of groups, especially when I know what I'm talking about, so, this should be great. I really hope that it works out that I can.
Third, I've been attempting to catch up on some DIY projects. Still trying to get the outside faucet to not leak. May have to call in the plumber (my cousin) and get some outside help. Its leaking at the connections, not at the fittings. I don't know how to better explain it. So it either means I need to tighten the screw fittings, or loosen them or remove the teflon tape or something. I don't know. Also still trying to figure out why I have internet access, but not phone abilities via the land line. Makes no sense to me. Maybe my phone is fried! I think I'm just going to cancel my phone service and then it won't matter. I don't think it will save me any money, but it might. Other than that, just your routine stuff like mowing the lawn, still planting roses, laundry, etc.
Update on my transition is about the same. The acne is getting much worse. My chest looks like I have chicken pox! Thankfully, it seems to be centrally located there, although my face is definitely oilier than it used to be. I also think I'm sweating more, but maybe not. Aside from that, I'm fairly certain that my voice is some lower, which is shocking, because that usually takes longer. The bad news is that I'm still having a period and the worst PMS of my life. My menstrual cycle was the one thing that I REALLY wanted to change immediately, and it isn't cooperating. Maybe this is the last one! I may be starting to get some peach fuzz on my face. I swear my upper lip is fuzzier, but it is all blonde hair that you can't really see unless you are 3 inches from my face. I also thing I'm getting more peach fuzz on my cheeks and sideburn area. But, again, blonde, can't really tell unless you are 2 inches from my face in really good lighting.
I did come out to my HR Manager as trans today. Told her that Ellen was still the okay name, but Aaron will be preferred later on. I'm hoping that I can switch from Seasonal to PT when school starts and then get benefits and change my name and hours and all that stuff. Who knows.
On a totally different subject, I've been doing lots and lots of thinking about my relationship with Mara, how it really was, how it ended, if it is ever going anywhere from here. I've done lots of reading of old e-mails, both that she sent and that I sent. There is a lot there that I'd tried to ignore or at least not consider that I really needed to be reminded of. I don't want to go into all of it right now, because I'm still processing it. When I started writing this blog I told myself that I would try to write on the fly and not pre-write whenever possible. This, I think, needs to be pre-written, re-read, modified, etc. There is just a whole lot there that I need to muddle through. In some good news, one of Mara's closest friends actually bantered with me on Facebook a few days ago. It made my day. SBJ is someone that I really respect, admire and care for. It has impressed me that she has remained my friend when so many of Mara's other friends have walked away. I felt compelled to tell her thank you because I felt sincere joy and thankfulness to be acknowledged publicly, as it were. I hope that in time she and I can be friends again. I'm not saying bffs, but at least not afraid to say hello if we run into each other in the store, maybe have a little conversation, etc. Just saying that I'd like to reach that point with a lot of the people that I have lost over the months.
Beyond that, its all been about the same. Hopefully, I'll get more stuff done tomorrow (since apparently I haven't been taken off to Paradise via the Rapture), maybe figure out my plumbing issue, maybe get the last of the roses planted, maybe some tomatoes too. (Anyone need any tomato plants? I have lots, I'll share!) And maybe, I'll even do some writing and share the things I'm thinking about relationships and endings and whatever happens next. I don't know. As I said, still processing. Regardless, I hope you all have a great Sunday. Enjoy the weather!
Secondly, I had a really great meeting with a professor in the Women's and Gender Studies department at VT. I'm considering trying to get into grad school in the Sociology department go for my Masters with a concentration in Women's and Gender Studies. Right now, I'm not certain I have the GPA to get accepted, but we'll see what happens by next Fall. They only accept people into the program in the Fall, and I doubt I can get in for August. Maybe I should talk to the director of Grad Studies in Sociology. Maybe I could start this fall, that would be insane! Regardless, there is a possibility that I'll get to tell my story to the Intro classes this Fall and Spring. I'm really excited to think about that. I love speaking in front of groups, especially when I know what I'm talking about, so, this should be great. I really hope that it works out that I can.
Third, I've been attempting to catch up on some DIY projects. Still trying to get the outside faucet to not leak. May have to call in the plumber (my cousin) and get some outside help. Its leaking at the connections, not at the fittings. I don't know how to better explain it. So it either means I need to tighten the screw fittings, or loosen them or remove the teflon tape or something. I don't know. Also still trying to figure out why I have internet access, but not phone abilities via the land line. Makes no sense to me. Maybe my phone is fried! I think I'm just going to cancel my phone service and then it won't matter. I don't think it will save me any money, but it might. Other than that, just your routine stuff like mowing the lawn, still planting roses, laundry, etc.
Update on my transition is about the same. The acne is getting much worse. My chest looks like I have chicken pox! Thankfully, it seems to be centrally located there, although my face is definitely oilier than it used to be. I also think I'm sweating more, but maybe not. Aside from that, I'm fairly certain that my voice is some lower, which is shocking, because that usually takes longer. The bad news is that I'm still having a period and the worst PMS of my life. My menstrual cycle was the one thing that I REALLY wanted to change immediately, and it isn't cooperating. Maybe this is the last one! I may be starting to get some peach fuzz on my face. I swear my upper lip is fuzzier, but it is all blonde hair that you can't really see unless you are 3 inches from my face. I also thing I'm getting more peach fuzz on my cheeks and sideburn area. But, again, blonde, can't really tell unless you are 2 inches from my face in really good lighting.
I did come out to my HR Manager as trans today. Told her that Ellen was still the okay name, but Aaron will be preferred later on. I'm hoping that I can switch from Seasonal to PT when school starts and then get benefits and change my name and hours and all that stuff. Who knows.
On a totally different subject, I've been doing lots and lots of thinking about my relationship with Mara, how it really was, how it ended, if it is ever going anywhere from here. I've done lots of reading of old e-mails, both that she sent and that I sent. There is a lot there that I'd tried to ignore or at least not consider that I really needed to be reminded of. I don't want to go into all of it right now, because I'm still processing it. When I started writing this blog I told myself that I would try to write on the fly and not pre-write whenever possible. This, I think, needs to be pre-written, re-read, modified, etc. There is just a whole lot there that I need to muddle through. In some good news, one of Mara's closest friends actually bantered with me on Facebook a few days ago. It made my day. SBJ is someone that I really respect, admire and care for. It has impressed me that she has remained my friend when so many of Mara's other friends have walked away. I felt compelled to tell her thank you because I felt sincere joy and thankfulness to be acknowledged publicly, as it were. I hope that in time she and I can be friends again. I'm not saying bffs, but at least not afraid to say hello if we run into each other in the store, maybe have a little conversation, etc. Just saying that I'd like to reach that point with a lot of the people that I have lost over the months.
Beyond that, its all been about the same. Hopefully, I'll get more stuff done tomorrow (since apparently I haven't been taken off to Paradise via the Rapture), maybe figure out my plumbing issue, maybe get the last of the roses planted, maybe some tomatoes too. (Anyone need any tomato plants? I have lots, I'll share!) And maybe, I'll even do some writing and share the things I'm thinking about relationships and endings and whatever happens next. I don't know. As I said, still processing. Regardless, I hope you all have a great Sunday. Enjoy the weather!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
For Mara, at the end (3-14-2011)
I lied
when I said I would leave you alone and
wait for your response.
I want so badly for it not to be a lie,
but the waiting is hard,
so hard.
I want to apologize
over and over
but it seems to
ineffective
so small.
I want to explain myself
but histories of lifes past
of lessons that I should have learned
of fears
and lost dreams
explain nothing
but more and more
of my shortcomings.
I had been doing so well
I was convinced that I knew myself
Was living 'my' life
was making my decisions
was finally breaking free
of a life half-lived.
There was more joy than sorrow
more excitement
more faith in myself
just more, so much more.
You swept in
out of nowhere
Not unwanted,
but, definitely unbidden.
And I fell in love with you.
I wanted to focus on you
on every second with you
and I lost focus on me
In the absence of focus
I found old habits
The ones that I have learned
and nurtured
for 40 years.
The bad habits that put me in hospitals
that broke my heart over and over
that left me with nothing.
How could I have let that happen?
When what I really wanted was to make this work
to be better
and stronger
and longer
and happier
than anything that had come before
like the bionic relationship
pulled from the ashes
and rebuilt
with new tools
and new technology
and a much better outcome
But,
as I look back on the last two months
I see so many many places
where I repeated the same old habits
Expecting it to work this time?
I don't know
You are right to be afraid of me, of us.
You are right to question whether it is worth it.
Whether EITHER of us is strong enough
to weather the winter.
I battled that question for most of the day yesterday.
I decided that I was, that it was worth it to try
That I would continue to try until I'm told to stop
because I love you
because I want this to work.
But, maybe I'm not strong enough to even weather the wind
much less the blowing snow
the bleak darkness that seems to keep growing
Maybe I'm not strong enough
to unlearn 40 years of bad habits
and rebuild them with hope and strength
Maybe I'm only capable of crawling under a blanket
and letting the world go on
while I cower and shake
and live in fear.
Maybe our time isn't now
Maybe we still weren't supposed to meet
like all those times we could have met before
and didn't
It wasn't the right time
we weren't in the right places
we weren't the right people
I want to feel good again
alive
and full
and happy
like I did when we met.
I don't know when I stopped feeling that
when I changed back into
the mess that I was before
Maybe I don't have the energy to sustain
the midnight conversations
the strong desire to just be with you
and still endure the day to day
of being me
of remembering how to breathe
how to stand up for myself
how to be alone and okay
Maybe I just don't know how not to couple
so tightly that I lose myself in the other
Maybe I want too much
Maybe I want more than I have to offer
which is hardly fair
Maybe I just don't know how to love us both through December
But, I do love you.
when I said I would leave you alone and
wait for your response.
I want so badly for it not to be a lie,
but the waiting is hard,
so hard.
I want to apologize
over and over
but it seems to
ineffective
so small.
I want to explain myself
but histories of lifes past
of lessons that I should have learned
of fears
and lost dreams
explain nothing
but more and more
of my shortcomings.
I had been doing so well
I was convinced that I knew myself
Was living 'my' life
was making my decisions
was finally breaking free
of a life half-lived.
There was more joy than sorrow
more excitement
more faith in myself
just more, so much more.
You swept in
out of nowhere
Not unwanted,
but, definitely unbidden.
And I fell in love with you.
I wanted to focus on you
on every second with you
and I lost focus on me
In the absence of focus
I found old habits
The ones that I have learned
and nurtured
for 40 years.
The bad habits that put me in hospitals
that broke my heart over and over
that left me with nothing.
How could I have let that happen?
When what I really wanted was to make this work
to be better
and stronger
and longer
and happier
than anything that had come before
like the bionic relationship
pulled from the ashes
and rebuilt
with new tools
and new technology
and a much better outcome
But,
as I look back on the last two months
I see so many many places
where I repeated the same old habits
Expecting it to work this time?
I don't know
You are right to be afraid of me, of us.
You are right to question whether it is worth it.
Whether EITHER of us is strong enough
to weather the winter.
I battled that question for most of the day yesterday.
I decided that I was, that it was worth it to try
That I would continue to try until I'm told to stop
because I love you
because I want this to work.
But, maybe I'm not strong enough to even weather the wind
much less the blowing snow
the bleak darkness that seems to keep growing
Maybe I'm not strong enough
to unlearn 40 years of bad habits
and rebuild them with hope and strength
Maybe I'm only capable of crawling under a blanket
and letting the world go on
while I cower and shake
and live in fear.
Maybe our time isn't now
Maybe we still weren't supposed to meet
like all those times we could have met before
and didn't
It wasn't the right time
we weren't in the right places
we weren't the right people
I want to feel good again
alive
and full
and happy
like I did when we met.
I don't know when I stopped feeling that
when I changed back into
the mess that I was before
Maybe I don't have the energy to sustain
the midnight conversations
the strong desire to just be with you
and still endure the day to day
of being me
of remembering how to breathe
how to stand up for myself
how to be alone and okay
Maybe I just don't know how not to couple
so tightly that I lose myself in the other
Maybe I want too much
Maybe I want more than I have to offer
which is hardly fair
Maybe I just don't know how to love us both through December
But, I do love you.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Rob Brezsny's Libra Horoscope for week of May 19, 2011
When it's flood season, the Amazon River rises as much as 60 feet. At that time, the adjoining forests earn their name -- varzea, a Portuguese word meaning "flooded forests." The river's fish wander far and wide, venturing into the expanded territory to eat fruit from the trees. In the coming weeks, Libra, I imagine you'll be like those fish: taking advantage of the opportunities provided by a natural windfall.
*
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
I love this excerpt from "The Seeker," a poem by Rilke in his Book of Hours (translated by Robert Bly): "I am circling around God, around the ancient tower, / and I have been circling for a thousand years, / and I still don't know if I am a falcon, or a storm, / or a great song." Here's my own permutation: "I am circling around love, around the throbbing hum, and I have been circling for thousands of days, and I still don't know if I am a wounded saint, or a rainy dawn, or a creation story."
Compose your own version.
(Get your own horoscope at http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/allsigns.html)
*
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
I love this excerpt from "The Seeker," a poem by Rilke in his Book of Hours (translated by Robert Bly): "I am circling around God, around the ancient tower, / and I have been circling for a thousand years, / and I still don't know if I am a falcon, or a storm, / or a great song." Here's my own permutation: "I am circling around love, around the throbbing hum, and I have been circling for thousands of days, and I still don't know if I am a wounded saint, or a rainy dawn, or a creation story."
Compose your own version.
(Get your own horoscope at http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/allsigns.html)
Monday, May 16, 2011
Settle
I've been thinking a lot about that word recently, settle. I've been told my whole life that I should settle. Settle for a career that pays that I don't enjoy. Settle for a partner who is kind and wonderful but I'm not in love with. Settle for living someplace I despise because I can afford it. I think that Settling has to be just about the worst thing a person can do. To me, it means accepting what is regardless of how you really feel about it. Take something less than you deserve because the Universe won't give you anything better. Accept something that doesn't make you happy. I think that rots.
When I moved back to my hometown my Mom said to me. You have a good home here, a place where you can settle down, get your life settled. That was, quite possibly, the worst thing she could have ever said to me. Why should I ever settle down? Why should I settle for a life that I don't want to live? Mom says she just wants me to be happy, but for me Happy does not equal Settled. Happy equals freedom to choose, freedom to roam, freedom to explore, create, imagine, change. Settled is the opposite of that, there is not freedom in being settled. Settled is like prison.
Don't misunderstand, I am fairly certain that what my mom meant was for me to find someone to share my life with, find a job that I enjoy, and just exist without all the daily 'drama' that seems to have come my way over the years. I admit, I would really like less drama in my life (more theater, less drama!), but I'm not certain that my life will ever be settled. I have too many dreams, too many desires, too many places that I want to visit, too much that I want to learn and share with others. I can't do all that sitting in one place doing one job for the rest of my life. I would like to find a partner to share the journey with though. That I would settle for. I know that no matter how much I want that, right now, I'm not ready for it. There is too much about me that is too fragile to enter into a relationship with someone. I'd fall back on bad habits that haven't served me well and expect things to be different. I would cease to change because there are so many more things to concentrate on than me when I'm in a relationship. So, in some ways I guess that part of me has to get settled before I can be ready to share my life with someone else, particularly someone who is equally unsettled (which, would have to be the case otherwise I would constantly be wanting change and my partner would be wanting settled and that wouldn't work).
Maybe some day I will want to settle down, and just enjoy the days. Maybe that will come when the transition is complete (or further along) and finally things in my life seem to naturally settle. I can hope, because I would like the house on the hill overlooking my parents pond (that will one day be my pond I hope), the horses and the multiple dogs (PBGV's and Borzoi's with a Bichon or two for good measure), the animal rescue, the other things I dream of. One day it will come, til then, I won't settle for what I have because it isn't what I want.
When I moved back to my hometown my Mom said to me. You have a good home here, a place where you can settle down, get your life settled. That was, quite possibly, the worst thing she could have ever said to me. Why should I ever settle down? Why should I settle for a life that I don't want to live? Mom says she just wants me to be happy, but for me Happy does not equal Settled. Happy equals freedom to choose, freedom to roam, freedom to explore, create, imagine, change. Settled is the opposite of that, there is not freedom in being settled. Settled is like prison.
Don't misunderstand, I am fairly certain that what my mom meant was for me to find someone to share my life with, find a job that I enjoy, and just exist without all the daily 'drama' that seems to have come my way over the years. I admit, I would really like less drama in my life (more theater, less drama!), but I'm not certain that my life will ever be settled. I have too many dreams, too many desires, too many places that I want to visit, too much that I want to learn and share with others. I can't do all that sitting in one place doing one job for the rest of my life. I would like to find a partner to share the journey with though. That I would settle for. I know that no matter how much I want that, right now, I'm not ready for it. There is too much about me that is too fragile to enter into a relationship with someone. I'd fall back on bad habits that haven't served me well and expect things to be different. I would cease to change because there are so many more things to concentrate on than me when I'm in a relationship. So, in some ways I guess that part of me has to get settled before I can be ready to share my life with someone else, particularly someone who is equally unsettled (which, would have to be the case otherwise I would constantly be wanting change and my partner would be wanting settled and that wouldn't work).
Maybe some day I will want to settle down, and just enjoy the days. Maybe that will come when the transition is complete (or further along) and finally things in my life seem to naturally settle. I can hope, because I would like the house on the hill overlooking my parents pond (that will one day be my pond I hope), the horses and the multiple dogs (PBGV's and Borzoi's with a Bichon or two for good measure), the animal rescue, the other things I dream of. One day it will come, til then, I won't settle for what I have because it isn't what I want.
Therapy Card for 5/16/2011
Today I will be open to the process of change. I will trust my Higher Power and believe that the place where I'll be dropped off is better than the place where I was picked up. I know that change is necessary to take me wherever I need to go.
A former therapist once told me that I have a terrible problem. I get bored way too easily and yet I hate change. She was right, and yet I find myself changing pretty much every part of my life, trying to make it work better. (We can rebuild him, better, stronger, faster......) Usually when I hit depression and start changing things I'll change everything but gender to see if it makes me feel better. This time I'm changing every thing except location, and sometimes I consider changing that. Hopefully, I'll find the combination of changes that make my life fall into place.
A former therapist once told me that I have a terrible problem. I get bored way too easily and yet I hate change. She was right, and yet I find myself changing pretty much every part of my life, trying to make it work better. (We can rebuild him, better, stronger, faster......) Usually when I hit depression and start changing things I'll change everything but gender to see if it makes me feel better. This time I'm changing every thing except location, and sometimes I consider changing that. Hopefully, I'll find the combination of changes that make my life fall into place.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Simple Pleasures
I was able to go to the Spring concert of the FCHS and Community Choirs. It was great. The music was really beautiful and I enjoyed listening. Wished that I could have been singing with them, but alas that was not to be this season. Fall is non-negotiable I will be singing unless something strange happens, like a job that I can't ditch to make it to practice, or losing my voice, or something. I miss singing and performing too much to just walk away from it.
I would like to congratulate all of the soloist and the choir members for a job well done and also congratulate and thank Mrs. Smith and Vicki for all of their help and direction. It really was beautiful. Wish there had been more songs!
Thankfully, there were no ugly scenes made before, during or after the performance. I feel like I have a hole in the side of my head from being stared at, but it will heal.
I would like to congratulate all of the soloist and the choir members for a job well done and also congratulate and thank Mrs. Smith and Vicki for all of their help and direction. It really was beautiful. Wish there had been more songs!
Thankfully, there were no ugly scenes made before, during or after the performance. I feel like I have a hole in the side of my head from being stared at, but it will heal.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
All Good Things...
Well, it seems as if my unemployment benefits may have finally run out. I filled out a form to get them renewed today, it will go off in the mail on Monday. However, this means that I'm flat broke for the moment. I may have to skip going to therapy on Monday because there just isn't money to cover the visit. I'm more than a little worried as to how this will play out.
DONATIONS ARE APPRECIATED, very much at this point!!!!!!
The good news is that I have a job interview early Tuesday morning. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
The other good news is that I did my third shot of T on Friday. Not entirely certain there are any obvious changes aside from acne, but it takes time and I have no choice but to be patient.
Wish me luck tomorrow, I'm going to the choir concert and I will likely have another confrontation with Mara. I don't intend to start anything, or cause any trouble, but I'm only one portion of that equation. Hopefully, Mara won't start anything. I'm only there for the music!
DONATIONS ARE APPRECIATED, very much at this point!!!!!!
The good news is that I have a job interview early Tuesday morning. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
The other good news is that I did my third shot of T on Friday. Not entirely certain there are any obvious changes aside from acne, but it takes time and I have no choice but to be patient.
Wish me luck tomorrow, I'm going to the choir concert and I will likely have another confrontation with Mara. I don't intend to start anything, or cause any trouble, but I'm only one portion of that equation. Hopefully, Mara won't start anything. I'm only there for the music!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Letting Go
During the past 5 months I've made a lot of mistakes. I can't explain why it happened, but my mental state made it impossible for me to make good decisions. I lost my ability to be calm and rational, and even understand where my thoughts were coming from. Because of that I have lost many people I had considered my friends, I have hurt them, probably more than I realize, I have lost the love of my life and effectively locked the door and burnt the bridges behind me. I've wanted for the last 3 of those months to pretend that it wasn't true. That I could fix the things I had fouled up and that the relationships could be made whole again, with time, effort and work. I do still believe this is possible, but it will only work if the other parties involved will allow me back into their lives and will work with me to correct the wrongs. Mostly, by meeting me with love, but also by being willing to provide me honest and often painful feedback when I start to mess up, revert to my old ways, etc. After re-reading the notes that have been sent to me telling me to "go away" I now realized that the doors are locked from the outside. No matter how much I may want to make things right, it is not within my power to do so as long as I have to force the door to open.
I hate having this knowledge that I am capable of being the kind of person that can make people turn away from me and never wish to come back. That is not the person I want to be. I read through a lot of the early e-mails from Mara last night. I was reminded how intense and wonderful those few months were. I was also reminded of how much she had opened herself up to me and allowed me in. She trusted me not to hurt her, and I did. I didn't realize just how deeply until last night. The saddest part is that I still don't know what I could have done differently. If I had been more aware of my state of mind and the changes going on inside me, maybe. If I had accepted being transgender years ago and maybe started transitioning sooner, maybe. But who can know? I started therapy as soon as I realized things weren't going well for me, sadly it wasn't with the right therapist and it didn't help. It was too little too late. With the other people that have chosen to walk out of my life it was more because I couldn't accept my fate and the choices that others had made. I was grasping at straws and hoping for help that was not for them to give. Only one other case was different, in that one, I made an assumption and overstepped my bounds in a big way. I broke trust with someone on a level that may never be repaired. I will be forever sorry to each of you for the pain I have caused. Not a day has gone by that I haven't sent you wishes of happiness and joy and begged the Universe to help you forgive me. I'm not giving up on the possibility that you may yet forgive me, but I'm letting go of the hope that it will be soon.
I sincerely wish things could be different.
Unfortunately, I live in a really small town. When there are people whose paths you don't want to cross, inevitably they are the people you will have most in common with and who you will run into everywhere. I've tried for the last 3 months to stay away from the places where I know you will be, but I need to get out of my house and find a life of my own. So, our paths will cross now and again. I make each of you this promise that unless you approach me, I will not approach you. I will not attempt to engage you in conversation. It is not my wish to make your life any more difficult or inflict you with more pain than I have already caused. I just want to be able to exist in peace with you. I'm not asking for harmony, just peace.
In conclusion, my door to you is unlocked. If you would like to open yourself to the possibility that one day we could be friends again, I'm here. I know it will likely be a long while before you are ready to take that step. Perhaps it is better for me that it is this way, as I'm not certain I'm ready to step back into old relationships without falling victim to past actions and mistakes. Know that you are not forgotten. Each day is a reminder of the mistakes that I have made and the hurt I have caused. I sorry.
I hate having this knowledge that I am capable of being the kind of person that can make people turn away from me and never wish to come back. That is not the person I want to be. I read through a lot of the early e-mails from Mara last night. I was reminded how intense and wonderful those few months were. I was also reminded of how much she had opened herself up to me and allowed me in. She trusted me not to hurt her, and I did. I didn't realize just how deeply until last night. The saddest part is that I still don't know what I could have done differently. If I had been more aware of my state of mind and the changes going on inside me, maybe. If I had accepted being transgender years ago and maybe started transitioning sooner, maybe. But who can know? I started therapy as soon as I realized things weren't going well for me, sadly it wasn't with the right therapist and it didn't help. It was too little too late. With the other people that have chosen to walk out of my life it was more because I couldn't accept my fate and the choices that others had made. I was grasping at straws and hoping for help that was not for them to give. Only one other case was different, in that one, I made an assumption and overstepped my bounds in a big way. I broke trust with someone on a level that may never be repaired. I will be forever sorry to each of you for the pain I have caused. Not a day has gone by that I haven't sent you wishes of happiness and joy and begged the Universe to help you forgive me. I'm not giving up on the possibility that you may yet forgive me, but I'm letting go of the hope that it will be soon.
I sincerely wish things could be different.
Unfortunately, I live in a really small town. When there are people whose paths you don't want to cross, inevitably they are the people you will have most in common with and who you will run into everywhere. I've tried for the last 3 months to stay away from the places where I know you will be, but I need to get out of my house and find a life of my own. So, our paths will cross now and again. I make each of you this promise that unless you approach me, I will not approach you. I will not attempt to engage you in conversation. It is not my wish to make your life any more difficult or inflict you with more pain than I have already caused. I just want to be able to exist in peace with you. I'm not asking for harmony, just peace.
In conclusion, my door to you is unlocked. If you would like to open yourself to the possibility that one day we could be friends again, I'm here. I know it will likely be a long while before you are ready to take that step. Perhaps it is better for me that it is this way, as I'm not certain I'm ready to step back into old relationships without falling victim to past actions and mistakes. Know that you are not forgotten. Each day is a reminder of the mistakes that I have made and the hurt I have caused. I sorry.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
What it means
A few months ago when I started coming out to friends and family as transgender I was asked "what does it mean to you to be a man?" I was dumbstruck because not only did I not have an answer, but I had honestly never considered the question before. The first answer that came to mind but I did not say was "It means I get to be myself." Certainly a question so big and broad deserves a bigger answer than that, so I just said I didn't know.
Very few days have passed that I haven't thought about that question and what the answer is to me. What does it mean to be a man? I imagine that most of you reading this have never thought about what it means to be one gender or the other. You were born a gender, it matched who you feel you are and you ran with it. You were treated as you felt you should be treated, the expectations of you matched the expectation of yourself. And most importantly, when you looked in the mirror you saw someone looking back at you who was familiar and matched the image of you that you have in your head. I was not so lucky.
Most people never think about the things that make sense to them. We just accept them and go on with life. We don't think about how our hand moves when we write, it just happens because that is what it is supposed to do. The hand was trained to do work that way without a lot of conscious effort. Acceptance of one's gender role in the world is much the same. If you are born female and have a female gender identity then you pretty much grow up thinking about girl things and it all just seems normal and natural. (yes, I know that is very sexist and stereotypical and wrong, but this is difficult stuff to explain). Can you describe what it means to you to be the gender you are WITHOUT listing things that you are able to do because you are that gender or rights that are afforded to you because you are that gender?
I have always felt that I was a boy pretending to be a girl for the sake of those around me. Things that I enjoyed doing and exploring were denied to me because they were not things for little girls to do. Now, yes, I lived a somewhat rigorously defined childhood where everything was separated into boys and girls and maybe that was part of the problem. But, I don't think so. When other 5 year old girls were asking for princess dresses and barbie dolls for their birthday, I asked for a football uniform and a football. My comforting thoughts before falling asleep at age 7 were not about unicorns and daisies, but about how I could have a penis so that I would be recognized as a boy.
For me, I have always been a man, but the world has never seen it. As I transition, I'm not becoming a man so that I can be one, I'm transitioning so that you, the world, will see the man that I have always been. I am becoming real and visible so that you see what I see when I look at myself. I have never been confused about my gender, I always knew, but I was told I was something else and I tried to be the something else. That was confusing! If I could stay the body I am, and use the name I was given and have strangers on the street see me for who I really am, I wouldn't need to transition. But, because even my own family can't see the real me, I have to transition. So, honestly, what does it mean to me to be a man? It really does mean the ability to be myself in front of everyone, to stop pretending to be a girl for the sake of others, to live my life with honesty and be treated appropriately for who I really am and not made to feel shame because I'm different.
I am becoming Aaron Christopher so that people will see me for who I am. Not because I care about a name, a marker on my driver's license, the clothes that I can wear to my brother's future wedding, or anything else that I can do without making a change. But, I've found that even when I wear men's clothing, when you don't look at the marker on my driver's license, when you don't ask my name, you still assume that I am female, and I'm not. I never have been. So, to become male means that you will see me for who I am and will more appropriately expect the person you will be meeting.
Your challenge: In the comments below write what it means to you to be the gender you were born to be.
Very few days have passed that I haven't thought about that question and what the answer is to me. What does it mean to be a man? I imagine that most of you reading this have never thought about what it means to be one gender or the other. You were born a gender, it matched who you feel you are and you ran with it. You were treated as you felt you should be treated, the expectations of you matched the expectation of yourself. And most importantly, when you looked in the mirror you saw someone looking back at you who was familiar and matched the image of you that you have in your head. I was not so lucky.
Most people never think about the things that make sense to them. We just accept them and go on with life. We don't think about how our hand moves when we write, it just happens because that is what it is supposed to do. The hand was trained to do work that way without a lot of conscious effort. Acceptance of one's gender role in the world is much the same. If you are born female and have a female gender identity then you pretty much grow up thinking about girl things and it all just seems normal and natural. (yes, I know that is very sexist and stereotypical and wrong, but this is difficult stuff to explain). Can you describe what it means to you to be the gender you are WITHOUT listing things that you are able to do because you are that gender or rights that are afforded to you because you are that gender?
I have always felt that I was a boy pretending to be a girl for the sake of those around me. Things that I enjoyed doing and exploring were denied to me because they were not things for little girls to do. Now, yes, I lived a somewhat rigorously defined childhood where everything was separated into boys and girls and maybe that was part of the problem. But, I don't think so. When other 5 year old girls were asking for princess dresses and barbie dolls for their birthday, I asked for a football uniform and a football. My comforting thoughts before falling asleep at age 7 were not about unicorns and daisies, but about how I could have a penis so that I would be recognized as a boy.
For me, I have always been a man, but the world has never seen it. As I transition, I'm not becoming a man so that I can be one, I'm transitioning so that you, the world, will see the man that I have always been. I am becoming real and visible so that you see what I see when I look at myself. I have never been confused about my gender, I always knew, but I was told I was something else and I tried to be the something else. That was confusing! If I could stay the body I am, and use the name I was given and have strangers on the street see me for who I really am, I wouldn't need to transition. But, because even my own family can't see the real me, I have to transition. So, honestly, what does it mean to me to be a man? It really does mean the ability to be myself in front of everyone, to stop pretending to be a girl for the sake of others, to live my life with honesty and be treated appropriately for who I really am and not made to feel shame because I'm different.
I am becoming Aaron Christopher so that people will see me for who I am. Not because I care about a name, a marker on my driver's license, the clothes that I can wear to my brother's future wedding, or anything else that I can do without making a change. But, I've found that even when I wear men's clothing, when you don't look at the marker on my driver's license, when you don't ask my name, you still assume that I am female, and I'm not. I never have been. So, to become male means that you will see me for who I am and will more appropriately expect the person you will be meeting.
Your challenge: In the comments below write what it means to you to be the gender you were born to be.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Libra Horoscope for week of May 5, 2011 - Rob Brezsny
(my horoscope for this week is so perfect for my life I had to share. I've often found that Rob gets these EXACTLY right. I'm probably in for a wild week! http://freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/allsigns.html)
If given the choice between having our lives change or keeping our lives the same, many of us would choose the status quo. We tend to feel that even if the current state of things is uncomfortable, it's still preferable to having to deal with the uncertainty and fear that come from transformation. But I don't think you fit this description right now, Libra. Of all the signs of the zodiac, you're the one that's most receptive to shifting the mood and experimenting with the rules. It's easier than usual for you to imagine different ways of doing things. Take advantage of this superpower.
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Sometimes hope is an irrelevant waste of time, even a stupid self-indulgence. Let's say, for instance, that I'm intently hoping that a certain disagreeable person I've got to communicate with won't answer when I call on the phone. That way I can simply leave a message on his voice mail and avoid an unpleasant exchange. But it doesn't matter what I hope. The guy will either answer or not, regardless of what I hope.
But there is another kind of hope that's potentially invigorating. Let's say I hope that we humans will reverse the environmental catastrophes we're perpetrating. Let's say that my hope motivates me to live more sustainably and to inspire others to live more sustainably. Then my hope is a catalyst.
Give two examples from your life about the two kinds of hope.
Ex 1 I hope my basement doesn't flood with this current downpour
Ex 2 I hope that I can make a difference in the lives of others by what I go through in my own life.
If given the choice between having our lives change or keeping our lives the same, many of us would choose the status quo. We tend to feel that even if the current state of things is uncomfortable, it's still preferable to having to deal with the uncertainty and fear that come from transformation. But I don't think you fit this description right now, Libra. Of all the signs of the zodiac, you're the one that's most receptive to shifting the mood and experimenting with the rules. It's easier than usual for you to imagine different ways of doing things. Take advantage of this superpower.
*
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Sometimes hope is an irrelevant waste of time, even a stupid self-indulgence. Let's say, for instance, that I'm intently hoping that a certain disagreeable person I've got to communicate with won't answer when I call on the phone. That way I can simply leave a message on his voice mail and avoid an unpleasant exchange. But it doesn't matter what I hope. The guy will either answer or not, regardless of what I hope.
But there is another kind of hope that's potentially invigorating. Let's say I hope that we humans will reverse the environmental catastrophes we're perpetrating. Let's say that my hope motivates me to live more sustainably and to inspire others to live more sustainably. Then my hope is a catalyst.
Give two examples from your life about the two kinds of hope.
Ex 1 I hope my basement doesn't flood with this current downpour
Ex 2 I hope that I can make a difference in the lives of others by what I go through in my own life.
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