Ah, the joys of coming out. Really? Did I just write that? It was not a joyful thing to come out that first time 13 or so years ago, it was terrifying. I was convinced that my parents would disown me. Although actually, that wasn't my FIRST coming out. I had come out numerous times to other family, friends, co-workers, ex-spouses, etc. Every time was at least a little terrifying, and every time turned out far better than I had hoped and expected. Coming out as a lesbian was a lot less terrifying than coming out as Trans, and a lot easier. People understand sexual attraction better than they understand gender. Coming out as Trans has been a lot more difficult for me, as it usually requires an explanation of what being Trans means. It is also usually accompanied by all the same irrelevant, rude questions. Have you had the surgery yet? Are you going to have the surgery? And then a flurry of well-intentioned compliments that cut like barbed wire. "But, you are such a pretty girl". Followed by more questions that also cut to the core "How do your parents feel? How will you find someone to date? Are you the only one?
There are days I so wish I could just be Aaron and the questions would stop. I would like to walk down the street and not feel people looking at me with their unspoken questions. I would like to not be ma'amed. I would like to not be apologized to when someone gets it right and then thinks they got it wrong. I would like to look back on my boyhood. Heck, some days I'd just like to use the urinal. But, I will likely never have a day when I don't have to come out or have my gender or sexual identity questioned by someone, even if they don't actually ask. Because I have CHOSEN to work as an activist and a supporter of change for laws and policies directed towards LGBTQ individuals, I will likely NEVER have a day when I can just be Aaron. A day when I can just be a brother, a son, a boyfriend, eventually and uncle. I will instead be Aaron, who used to be Ellen who was a girl but is now a boy...........
For me, there is no such thing as Coming Out DAY, it is Coming Out LIFETIME! Perhaps that just means that I should celebrate EVERYDAY! And really, despite my moaning and complaining about coming out over and over and over again, coming out has been a pretty okay thing for me. I don't think I really started living, loving, or maturing until I actually came out. I truly don't believe that I entered mental puberty until I started my transition. I had no clue who I was or what I wanted to be or even if I would survive until AFTER I came out. It was like being born again and again and again.....
So for everyone who is coming out for the first time today, congratulations, today is the first day of the rest of your life and get used to it, because this is not the last time that you will have to stand up and face the masses and be yourself. But, have faith, you can do it. You are not alone. You are loved and cared for by a community of people that you may not have met yet. Keep looking, we are everywhere!
For those of you that find yourself coming out again today for the first time to someone new and the millionth time in your own history, take heart. That's one less person you have to tell tomorrow. And remember all those newbies that need your mentorship. You were a first timer once too!
And finally, for those of you who are lucky enough to have someone come out to you for the first time today keep these things in mind. 1. You must be incredibly special for someone to risk losing you to tell you something so very important about themselves. 2. Remember to thank them for sharing that with you. 3. Tell them how much you support them (unless you don't and then you might as well be honest). 4. Save the questions for another time, but ask if it is okay to ask questions later. Keep today as a celebration of the person that loves you enough to share themselves with you so that you will have a deeper understanding of who they really are. They love you enough to let you love them for who they really are, not for who you want them to be. That's a HUGE thing to do.
There, I said it. Carry on and keep coming out!
