Considering writing/posting a rather risqué article (can I call these posts articles?). Current topic would have to do with sex, masturbation, sex drive, you get the picture.....
Any objections or other thoughts on the subject?
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Libra Horoscope for week of June 2, 2011
When people unsubscribe from my newsletter, they're asked to say why they're leaving. In a recent note, a dissatisfied customer wrote, "Because you are a crackhead who makes no sense. You sound like you write these horoscopes while you're stoned on mushrooms." For the record, I not only refrain from crack and magic mushrooms while crafting your oracles; I don't partake of any intoxicants at any other time, either -- not even beer or pot. I'm secretly a bit proud, however, that the irate ex-reader thinks my drug-free mind is so wild. In the coming week, Libra, I invite you to try an experiment inspired by this scenario: Without losing your mind, see if you can shed some of the habitual restrictions you allow to impinge on the free and creative play of your mind.
*
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Sometimes the best gift you can give your ego is to tell it you're not going to be its slave anymore. You say to it, "I'm tired of being whipped around by every one of your ever-shifting little needs, and I'm sick of having to kowtow to your inexhaustible demands. I want to be free of your insatiable craving to be appreciated, recognized, and adored. Go away and leave me alone. I'm just going to be who I am without worrying about you at all."
Delivering this message may stimulate a healing crisis. Your ego could be temporarily rendered numb and irrelevant by its near death experience, and you'll get to go off and do what your soul wants to do.
Tell your ego you won't be its slave for a period of three days.
**Shedding habitual restrictions sounds like a really good plan, I think I will try that. Not sure about the slave to the ego portion though, mostly because I'm not certain I am a slave to my ego. If you know of ways that I am, please let me know so that I can work on it!
*
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Sometimes the best gift you can give your ego is to tell it you're not going to be its slave anymore. You say to it, "I'm tired of being whipped around by every one of your ever-shifting little needs, and I'm sick of having to kowtow to your inexhaustible demands. I want to be free of your insatiable craving to be appreciated, recognized, and adored. Go away and leave me alone. I'm just going to be who I am without worrying about you at all."
Delivering this message may stimulate a healing crisis. Your ego could be temporarily rendered numb and irrelevant by its near death experience, and you'll get to go off and do what your soul wants to do.
Tell your ego you won't be its slave for a period of three days.
**Shedding habitual restrictions sounds like a really good plan, I think I will try that. Not sure about the slave to the ego portion though, mostly because I'm not certain I am a slave to my ego. If you know of ways that I am, please let me know so that I can work on it!
Friday, May 27, 2011
Relational Understandings
I promised I would post on Friday. This is not the newly revised totally new piece that I was going to write. This is what I composed earlier this week, with only minor edits. I will probably still write the new piece later, I just haven't had the time or the brain cells for it yet. Incidentally, yesterday would have been 7 months.
It is quickly approaching what would have been my 7 month anniversary with Mara. Sadly, it is also quickly approaching the 4 month anniversary of our break-up. It still seems so sad to me that what started with such promise died so quickly. I'm still listening to Adele's 21 and 19 which have become the break-up albums for this relationship (every relationship I've ever had has seemed to have one). There are just so many lines of so many songs that seem so appropriate that I can't stop listening. It doesn't break my heart anymore to hear them, but instead makes me smile a little and reminds me of what I've lost, which is an okay place to be. I guess that means that I am healing.
A few weeks ago I decided to read some of the old e-mails from Mara to me and vice-versa. I hadn't looked at them since they first arrived in my inbox. It was startling to read them now and see just how powerful our feelings had been and also how frightened Mara was of trusting me. And yet, she did. She trusted me to not be like the relationships from her past that had caused her so much pain and remorse. She trusted me not to hurt her, to be that "stand up" person that was consistently reliable, stable, sane, and capable of unconditional love for her and her daughter. I failed to live up to the expectations.
Mara had been able to accept parts of me that I wasn't sure I was ready to accept. Mainly, she accepted me as Aaron Christopher. I, on the other hand, had spent 11 years denying that part of me because I wasn't ready to explain it to my Mom and Dad or anyone else that wasn't of my generation. So, I did what I had always done, and chose not to focus on it and instead focused totally on Mara. As with all the previous relationships, this failed miserably. I have since learned that you cannot focus solely on the needs of one partner and totally deny your own needs. You can't help someone else be happy if you aren't happy with yourself. And, most importantly no one wants to be around someone who is in complete denial of their true self, what they want from life, etc, and is completely co-dependent on the reactions of their mother! I had no idea what co-dependency really meant until March, which was several months after Mara and I split up. Now, I'm working on it, well, the ending of the co-dependency shuffle in my life. It ain't easy.
I also read some of the e-mails and letters that I had written to Mara towards the end of things. There were so many times that I wrote about our relationship ending, being afraid that it was ending, thinking that perhaps it should end, how little time we had actually been happy together. I wonder now if I really wanted to be in the relationship or if I was just trying to beat Mara to the punch of ending it so I wouldn't be the one getting hurt. We didn't have an easy 2.5 months together. My dog died within two weeks of us starting to date, then I got a raging e-coli infection in my kidneys, then the holidays, rehearsals, and PTSD issues hit, as well as final exams, final papers, snow fall, and eventually starting school again. There was little time for us to really get to know each other before things just got all messed up. And yet, I can tell you that the happy times we had together were some of the happiest of my life. I was finally with someone who truly made me feel loved and accepted in all things. I could be myself and it was not only okay, but it was good. I was part of a family and I loved it. Admittedly, I was very out of practice when it came to establishing a relationship with a 13 y/o, but I loved spending time with her and her friends nevertheless. I loved the pseudo-parental responsibilities that I got to take on, shuffling her from one rehearsal to another, picking her up after school, driving her places, being there when she got off the bus if Mara couldn't be. I loved watching Glee with her on Tuesday nights, and sharing movies and Netflix TV at other times. I loved feeling like the proud parent in the audience, having that feeling of "One day I'll get to say I knew her when...." because she is going to be amazing. I still have no idea how she ever really felt about me, but I love her. She is such a beautiful, amazing, smart, talented, extraordinary kid.
Looking back, maybe I put on my rose colored glasses (which I actually had, but gave to Mara at some point) and thought everything was perfect. It wasn't perfect, sometimes it wasn't even good but, it had the potential to become a beautiful thing if only I hadn't gone so horribly wrong. Don't misunderstand, I don't rest the blame solely on my shoulders, it was shared by both Mara and I quite equally I imagine. But, my resolve to once again deny my gender identity was the catalyst for the depression that started in December and resulted in a lot of the issues that blew-up between us. I take full responsibility for that portion. When we split up, Mara stated "I don't even know who you are any more." She was right, she didn't. I didn't know who I was any more. I had lost my self by pushing pieces of me back into the basement of my soul. It’s been nearly 4 months and I can tell you that I am the person that Mara met in October, but I'm not fully healed. My identity is not fully solidified; I'm still working on that. But, I am back to being the stable, sane, responsible, capable, person that I was when Mara fell in love with me.
I have no idea if there is hope for reconciliation. I'd still like to believe that there is. Yes, I know I stated that there were more bad times than good with us, but the good was so good that I think the bad could have been worked through. In the early days we wondered why it was that we hadn't met earlier. I mean, we essentially grew up in the same town from age 8 until 18, we dated the same boy, just not at the same time. We've lived in the same town again for the past 3 years and yet we didn't meet until last year. Maybe it still wasn't our time to be together and that time will still come if hearts can be mended and hurts can be forgiven. I know that I bear no ill-will to Mara for ending our relationship when she did. She made a very difficult decision to walk away from a person who was not sane at the time in order to protect herself and her child. I respect and admire her ability to do that. If I had been in her place I don't know that I could have made that decision and held my ground. That being said, having tried once before to put a relationship back together after it had ended I know how hard it can be to let go of the fear that you are just repeating your mistakes. I don't know that I can let go of the fear that if she senses I'm having a bad day she won't run away thinking that it is another depressive episode waiting to happen. I don't know that she could ever really trust me not to hurt her or change into that crazy person who said so many horrible things to her. Only time will tell I guess. I know that I love her, some days I wish that I didn't because it would be nice not to feel this emptiness, other days I'm glad that I do because it is still such a living thing that I don’t feel empty at all. It's a catch-22 I guess. Only time will tell if we can forgive ourselves and each other and move forward. Right now, I've learned to let go, not of the feelings I have, but at least of Mara. I've stopped looking for her everywhere I go. When I see her I'm not trying to talk to her. I'm not composing letters to her begging for forgiveness and asking for a chance to try again. She needs time and space and a chance to heal. I'm here if she wants to talk, and I'm okay if she doesn't. I still feel that she is the Yin to my Yang, or perhaps it’s the other way around. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever known. Her smile makes me weak in the knees and melts my heart. Maybe someday that smile that brightens my day will be again directed at me.
It is quickly approaching what would have been my 7 month anniversary with Mara. Sadly, it is also quickly approaching the 4 month anniversary of our break-up. It still seems so sad to me that what started with such promise died so quickly. I'm still listening to Adele's 21 and 19 which have become the break-up albums for this relationship (every relationship I've ever had has seemed to have one). There are just so many lines of so many songs that seem so appropriate that I can't stop listening. It doesn't break my heart anymore to hear them, but instead makes me smile a little and reminds me of what I've lost, which is an okay place to be. I guess that means that I am healing.
A few weeks ago I decided to read some of the old e-mails from Mara to me and vice-versa. I hadn't looked at them since they first arrived in my inbox. It was startling to read them now and see just how powerful our feelings had been and also how frightened Mara was of trusting me. And yet, she did. She trusted me to not be like the relationships from her past that had caused her so much pain and remorse. She trusted me not to hurt her, to be that "stand up" person that was consistently reliable, stable, sane, and capable of unconditional love for her and her daughter. I failed to live up to the expectations.
Mara had been able to accept parts of me that I wasn't sure I was ready to accept. Mainly, she accepted me as Aaron Christopher. I, on the other hand, had spent 11 years denying that part of me because I wasn't ready to explain it to my Mom and Dad or anyone else that wasn't of my generation. So, I did what I had always done, and chose not to focus on it and instead focused totally on Mara. As with all the previous relationships, this failed miserably. I have since learned that you cannot focus solely on the needs of one partner and totally deny your own needs. You can't help someone else be happy if you aren't happy with yourself. And, most importantly no one wants to be around someone who is in complete denial of their true self, what they want from life, etc, and is completely co-dependent on the reactions of their mother! I had no idea what co-dependency really meant until March, which was several months after Mara and I split up. Now, I'm working on it, well, the ending of the co-dependency shuffle in my life. It ain't easy.
I also read some of the e-mails and letters that I had written to Mara towards the end of things. There were so many times that I wrote about our relationship ending, being afraid that it was ending, thinking that perhaps it should end, how little time we had actually been happy together. I wonder now if I really wanted to be in the relationship or if I was just trying to beat Mara to the punch of ending it so I wouldn't be the one getting hurt. We didn't have an easy 2.5 months together. My dog died within two weeks of us starting to date, then I got a raging e-coli infection in my kidneys, then the holidays, rehearsals, and PTSD issues hit, as well as final exams, final papers, snow fall, and eventually starting school again. There was little time for us to really get to know each other before things just got all messed up. And yet, I can tell you that the happy times we had together were some of the happiest of my life. I was finally with someone who truly made me feel loved and accepted in all things. I could be myself and it was not only okay, but it was good. I was part of a family and I loved it. Admittedly, I was very out of practice when it came to establishing a relationship with a 13 y/o, but I loved spending time with her and her friends nevertheless. I loved the pseudo-parental responsibilities that I got to take on, shuffling her from one rehearsal to another, picking her up after school, driving her places, being there when she got off the bus if Mara couldn't be. I loved watching Glee with her on Tuesday nights, and sharing movies and Netflix TV at other times. I loved feeling like the proud parent in the audience, having that feeling of "One day I'll get to say I knew her when...." because she is going to be amazing. I still have no idea how she ever really felt about me, but I love her. She is such a beautiful, amazing, smart, talented, extraordinary kid.
Looking back, maybe I put on my rose colored glasses (which I actually had, but gave to Mara at some point) and thought everything was perfect. It wasn't perfect, sometimes it wasn't even good but, it had the potential to become a beautiful thing if only I hadn't gone so horribly wrong. Don't misunderstand, I don't rest the blame solely on my shoulders, it was shared by both Mara and I quite equally I imagine. But, my resolve to once again deny my gender identity was the catalyst for the depression that started in December and resulted in a lot of the issues that blew-up between us. I take full responsibility for that portion. When we split up, Mara stated "I don't even know who you are any more." She was right, she didn't. I didn't know who I was any more. I had lost my self by pushing pieces of me back into the basement of my soul. It’s been nearly 4 months and I can tell you that I am the person that Mara met in October, but I'm not fully healed. My identity is not fully solidified; I'm still working on that. But, I am back to being the stable, sane, responsible, capable, person that I was when Mara fell in love with me.
I have no idea if there is hope for reconciliation. I'd still like to believe that there is. Yes, I know I stated that there were more bad times than good with us, but the good was so good that I think the bad could have been worked through. In the early days we wondered why it was that we hadn't met earlier. I mean, we essentially grew up in the same town from age 8 until 18, we dated the same boy, just not at the same time. We've lived in the same town again for the past 3 years and yet we didn't meet until last year. Maybe it still wasn't our time to be together and that time will still come if hearts can be mended and hurts can be forgiven. I know that I bear no ill-will to Mara for ending our relationship when she did. She made a very difficult decision to walk away from a person who was not sane at the time in order to protect herself and her child. I respect and admire her ability to do that. If I had been in her place I don't know that I could have made that decision and held my ground. That being said, having tried once before to put a relationship back together after it had ended I know how hard it can be to let go of the fear that you are just repeating your mistakes. I don't know that I can let go of the fear that if she senses I'm having a bad day she won't run away thinking that it is another depressive episode waiting to happen. I don't know that she could ever really trust me not to hurt her or change into that crazy person who said so many horrible things to her. Only time will tell I guess. I know that I love her, some days I wish that I didn't because it would be nice not to feel this emptiness, other days I'm glad that I do because it is still such a living thing that I don’t feel empty at all. It's a catch-22 I guess. Only time will tell if we can forgive ourselves and each other and move forward. Right now, I've learned to let go, not of the feelings I have, but at least of Mara. I've stopped looking for her everywhere I go. When I see her I'm not trying to talk to her. I'm not composing letters to her begging for forgiveness and asking for a chance to try again. She needs time and space and a chance to heal. I'm here if she wants to talk, and I'm okay if she doesn't. I still feel that she is the Yin to my Yang, or perhaps it’s the other way around. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever known. Her smile makes me weak in the knees and melts my heart. Maybe someday that smile that brightens my day will be again directed at me.
Proceeding!
Just saying that shot 4 is in, and I've been on T for 6 weeks now. Yipppeee! Now, definitely want to see some changes (just little things, and maybe nothing that anyone else will notice. I'm not in a hurry for the visible. :) )
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Libra Horoscope for week of May 26, 2011
According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the longest love letter in history was written by an Indian man named Harish Kondakkuli. The gushing 143-page message took him over three months to complete. Oddly, it was addressed to an imaginary woman, since there was no one in his life he was actually in love with. I encourage you to consider the possibility of exceeding his achievement in the coming weeks, Libra. You're at the peak of your ability to express wickedly delicious passions and profoundly tender intentions. There may even be a real person, not an imaginary one, who warrants your extravagant outflow.
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The German word selig can mean "ecstatic," "blessed," or "holy." It implies that profound bliss can be a divine gift; that deep pleasure may generate or come from spiritual inspiration.
The English language doesn't have a term comparable to selig, maybe because our culture regards ecstasy with suspicion. Religious people tend to believe that the blessed are those who are good and kind, certainly not those who are skilled at cultivating rapturous states. People who worship rationality, on the other hand, like intellectuals and scientists, often think of ecstasy as at best an irrelevant state, and at worst a nonproductive or deluded indulgence.
What would you have to do to place yourself in intimate alignment with the values embodied by the word selig?
(My answer. To find myself in intimate alignment with selig I would need to become more comfortable with my body. Find a way to stop the disconnect between my body, my brain and my ecstasy. That's something I'm working on. I want to find the way to unlock the door between my mental pleasure and my physical pleasure, and allow the two to exist simultaneously.)
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
The German word selig can mean "ecstatic," "blessed," or "holy." It implies that profound bliss can be a divine gift; that deep pleasure may generate or come from spiritual inspiration.
The English language doesn't have a term comparable to selig, maybe because our culture regards ecstasy with suspicion. Religious people tend to believe that the blessed are those who are good and kind, certainly not those who are skilled at cultivating rapturous states. People who worship rationality, on the other hand, like intellectuals and scientists, often think of ecstasy as at best an irrelevant state, and at worst a nonproductive or deluded indulgence.
What would you have to do to place yourself in intimate alignment with the values embodied by the word selig?
(My answer. To find myself in intimate alignment with selig I would need to become more comfortable with my body. Find a way to stop the disconnect between my body, my brain and my ecstasy. That's something I'm working on. I want to find the way to unlock the door between my mental pleasure and my physical pleasure, and allow the two to exist simultaneously.)
Monday, May 23, 2011
Working on it!
Well, day two on the new job was relatively uneventful. Spent most of the 6 hours I was there doing online training. Not too bad, just slow and somewhat mind numbing.
Also, just an update, I'm working on the post about relationships that I promised in the last blog, it is not just sitting on the back burner (unlike the dishes and planting roses) I'll get them done eventually.
Also, just an update, I'm working on the post about relationships that I promised in the last blog, it is not just sitting on the back burner (unlike the dishes and planting roses) I'll get them done eventually.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Lots going on
So many things are going on these days it is difficult to know where to begin. I guess I should start by saying that I have a job! Yippppeeee! Its nothing amazing, I'm working at Lowe's, but it should be fun and will hopefully help pay the bills. Assuming I don't leave my paycheck in the store!
Secondly, I had a really great meeting with a professor in the Women's and Gender Studies department at VT. I'm considering trying to get into grad school in the Sociology department go for my Masters with a concentration in Women's and Gender Studies. Right now, I'm not certain I have the GPA to get accepted, but we'll see what happens by next Fall. They only accept people into the program in the Fall, and I doubt I can get in for August. Maybe I should talk to the director of Grad Studies in Sociology. Maybe I could start this fall, that would be insane! Regardless, there is a possibility that I'll get to tell my story to the Intro classes this Fall and Spring. I'm really excited to think about that. I love speaking in front of groups, especially when I know what I'm talking about, so, this should be great. I really hope that it works out that I can.
Third, I've been attempting to catch up on some DIY projects. Still trying to get the outside faucet to not leak. May have to call in the plumber (my cousin) and get some outside help. Its leaking at the connections, not at the fittings. I don't know how to better explain it. So it either means I need to tighten the screw fittings, or loosen them or remove the teflon tape or something. I don't know. Also still trying to figure out why I have internet access, but not phone abilities via the land line. Makes no sense to me. Maybe my phone is fried! I think I'm just going to cancel my phone service and then it won't matter. I don't think it will save me any money, but it might. Other than that, just your routine stuff like mowing the lawn, still planting roses, laundry, etc.
Update on my transition is about the same. The acne is getting much worse. My chest looks like I have chicken pox! Thankfully, it seems to be centrally located there, although my face is definitely oilier than it used to be. I also think I'm sweating more, but maybe not. Aside from that, I'm fairly certain that my voice is some lower, which is shocking, because that usually takes longer. The bad news is that I'm still having a period and the worst PMS of my life. My menstrual cycle was the one thing that I REALLY wanted to change immediately, and it isn't cooperating. Maybe this is the last one! I may be starting to get some peach fuzz on my face. I swear my upper lip is fuzzier, but it is all blonde hair that you can't really see unless you are 3 inches from my face. I also thing I'm getting more peach fuzz on my cheeks and sideburn area. But, again, blonde, can't really tell unless you are 2 inches from my face in really good lighting.
I did come out to my HR Manager as trans today. Told her that Ellen was still the okay name, but Aaron will be preferred later on. I'm hoping that I can switch from Seasonal to PT when school starts and then get benefits and change my name and hours and all that stuff. Who knows.
On a totally different subject, I've been doing lots and lots of thinking about my relationship with Mara, how it really was, how it ended, if it is ever going anywhere from here. I've done lots of reading of old e-mails, both that she sent and that I sent. There is a lot there that I'd tried to ignore or at least not consider that I really needed to be reminded of. I don't want to go into all of it right now, because I'm still processing it. When I started writing this blog I told myself that I would try to write on the fly and not pre-write whenever possible. This, I think, needs to be pre-written, re-read, modified, etc. There is just a whole lot there that I need to muddle through. In some good news, one of Mara's closest friends actually bantered with me on Facebook a few days ago. It made my day. SBJ is someone that I really respect, admire and care for. It has impressed me that she has remained my friend when so many of Mara's other friends have walked away. I felt compelled to tell her thank you because I felt sincere joy and thankfulness to be acknowledged publicly, as it were. I hope that in time she and I can be friends again. I'm not saying bffs, but at least not afraid to say hello if we run into each other in the store, maybe have a little conversation, etc. Just saying that I'd like to reach that point with a lot of the people that I have lost over the months.
Beyond that, its all been about the same. Hopefully, I'll get more stuff done tomorrow (since apparently I haven't been taken off to Paradise via the Rapture), maybe figure out my plumbing issue, maybe get the last of the roses planted, maybe some tomatoes too. (Anyone need any tomato plants? I have lots, I'll share!) And maybe, I'll even do some writing and share the things I'm thinking about relationships and endings and whatever happens next. I don't know. As I said, still processing. Regardless, I hope you all have a great Sunday. Enjoy the weather!
Secondly, I had a really great meeting with a professor in the Women's and Gender Studies department at VT. I'm considering trying to get into grad school in the Sociology department go for my Masters with a concentration in Women's and Gender Studies. Right now, I'm not certain I have the GPA to get accepted, but we'll see what happens by next Fall. They only accept people into the program in the Fall, and I doubt I can get in for August. Maybe I should talk to the director of Grad Studies in Sociology. Maybe I could start this fall, that would be insane! Regardless, there is a possibility that I'll get to tell my story to the Intro classes this Fall and Spring. I'm really excited to think about that. I love speaking in front of groups, especially when I know what I'm talking about, so, this should be great. I really hope that it works out that I can.
Third, I've been attempting to catch up on some DIY projects. Still trying to get the outside faucet to not leak. May have to call in the plumber (my cousin) and get some outside help. Its leaking at the connections, not at the fittings. I don't know how to better explain it. So it either means I need to tighten the screw fittings, or loosen them or remove the teflon tape or something. I don't know. Also still trying to figure out why I have internet access, but not phone abilities via the land line. Makes no sense to me. Maybe my phone is fried! I think I'm just going to cancel my phone service and then it won't matter. I don't think it will save me any money, but it might. Other than that, just your routine stuff like mowing the lawn, still planting roses, laundry, etc.
Update on my transition is about the same. The acne is getting much worse. My chest looks like I have chicken pox! Thankfully, it seems to be centrally located there, although my face is definitely oilier than it used to be. I also think I'm sweating more, but maybe not. Aside from that, I'm fairly certain that my voice is some lower, which is shocking, because that usually takes longer. The bad news is that I'm still having a period and the worst PMS of my life. My menstrual cycle was the one thing that I REALLY wanted to change immediately, and it isn't cooperating. Maybe this is the last one! I may be starting to get some peach fuzz on my face. I swear my upper lip is fuzzier, but it is all blonde hair that you can't really see unless you are 3 inches from my face. I also thing I'm getting more peach fuzz on my cheeks and sideburn area. But, again, blonde, can't really tell unless you are 2 inches from my face in really good lighting.
I did come out to my HR Manager as trans today. Told her that Ellen was still the okay name, but Aaron will be preferred later on. I'm hoping that I can switch from Seasonal to PT when school starts and then get benefits and change my name and hours and all that stuff. Who knows.
On a totally different subject, I've been doing lots and lots of thinking about my relationship with Mara, how it really was, how it ended, if it is ever going anywhere from here. I've done lots of reading of old e-mails, both that she sent and that I sent. There is a lot there that I'd tried to ignore or at least not consider that I really needed to be reminded of. I don't want to go into all of it right now, because I'm still processing it. When I started writing this blog I told myself that I would try to write on the fly and not pre-write whenever possible. This, I think, needs to be pre-written, re-read, modified, etc. There is just a whole lot there that I need to muddle through. In some good news, one of Mara's closest friends actually bantered with me on Facebook a few days ago. It made my day. SBJ is someone that I really respect, admire and care for. It has impressed me that she has remained my friend when so many of Mara's other friends have walked away. I felt compelled to tell her thank you because I felt sincere joy and thankfulness to be acknowledged publicly, as it were. I hope that in time she and I can be friends again. I'm not saying bffs, but at least not afraid to say hello if we run into each other in the store, maybe have a little conversation, etc. Just saying that I'd like to reach that point with a lot of the people that I have lost over the months.
Beyond that, its all been about the same. Hopefully, I'll get more stuff done tomorrow (since apparently I haven't been taken off to Paradise via the Rapture), maybe figure out my plumbing issue, maybe get the last of the roses planted, maybe some tomatoes too. (Anyone need any tomato plants? I have lots, I'll share!) And maybe, I'll even do some writing and share the things I'm thinking about relationships and endings and whatever happens next. I don't know. As I said, still processing. Regardless, I hope you all have a great Sunday. Enjoy the weather!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
For Mara, at the end (3-14-2011)
I lied
when I said I would leave you alone and
wait for your response.
I want so badly for it not to be a lie,
but the waiting is hard,
so hard.
I want to apologize
over and over
but it seems to
ineffective
so small.
I want to explain myself
but histories of lifes past
of lessons that I should have learned
of fears
and lost dreams
explain nothing
but more and more
of my shortcomings.
I had been doing so well
I was convinced that I knew myself
Was living 'my' life
was making my decisions
was finally breaking free
of a life half-lived.
There was more joy than sorrow
more excitement
more faith in myself
just more, so much more.
You swept in
out of nowhere
Not unwanted,
but, definitely unbidden.
And I fell in love with you.
I wanted to focus on you
on every second with you
and I lost focus on me
In the absence of focus
I found old habits
The ones that I have learned
and nurtured
for 40 years.
The bad habits that put me in hospitals
that broke my heart over and over
that left me with nothing.
How could I have let that happen?
When what I really wanted was to make this work
to be better
and stronger
and longer
and happier
than anything that had come before
like the bionic relationship
pulled from the ashes
and rebuilt
with new tools
and new technology
and a much better outcome
But,
as I look back on the last two months
I see so many many places
where I repeated the same old habits
Expecting it to work this time?
I don't know
You are right to be afraid of me, of us.
You are right to question whether it is worth it.
Whether EITHER of us is strong enough
to weather the winter.
I battled that question for most of the day yesterday.
I decided that I was, that it was worth it to try
That I would continue to try until I'm told to stop
because I love you
because I want this to work.
But, maybe I'm not strong enough to even weather the wind
much less the blowing snow
the bleak darkness that seems to keep growing
Maybe I'm not strong enough
to unlearn 40 years of bad habits
and rebuild them with hope and strength
Maybe I'm only capable of crawling under a blanket
and letting the world go on
while I cower and shake
and live in fear.
Maybe our time isn't now
Maybe we still weren't supposed to meet
like all those times we could have met before
and didn't
It wasn't the right time
we weren't in the right places
we weren't the right people
I want to feel good again
alive
and full
and happy
like I did when we met.
I don't know when I stopped feeling that
when I changed back into
the mess that I was before
Maybe I don't have the energy to sustain
the midnight conversations
the strong desire to just be with you
and still endure the day to day
of being me
of remembering how to breathe
how to stand up for myself
how to be alone and okay
Maybe I just don't know how not to couple
so tightly that I lose myself in the other
Maybe I want too much
Maybe I want more than I have to offer
which is hardly fair
Maybe I just don't know how to love us both through December
But, I do love you.
when I said I would leave you alone and
wait for your response.
I want so badly for it not to be a lie,
but the waiting is hard,
so hard.
I want to apologize
over and over
but it seems to
ineffective
so small.
I want to explain myself
but histories of lifes past
of lessons that I should have learned
of fears
and lost dreams
explain nothing
but more and more
of my shortcomings.
I had been doing so well
I was convinced that I knew myself
Was living 'my' life
was making my decisions
was finally breaking free
of a life half-lived.
There was more joy than sorrow
more excitement
more faith in myself
just more, so much more.
You swept in
out of nowhere
Not unwanted,
but, definitely unbidden.
And I fell in love with you.
I wanted to focus on you
on every second with you
and I lost focus on me
In the absence of focus
I found old habits
The ones that I have learned
and nurtured
for 40 years.
The bad habits that put me in hospitals
that broke my heart over and over
that left me with nothing.
How could I have let that happen?
When what I really wanted was to make this work
to be better
and stronger
and longer
and happier
than anything that had come before
like the bionic relationship
pulled from the ashes
and rebuilt
with new tools
and new technology
and a much better outcome
But,
as I look back on the last two months
I see so many many places
where I repeated the same old habits
Expecting it to work this time?
I don't know
You are right to be afraid of me, of us.
You are right to question whether it is worth it.
Whether EITHER of us is strong enough
to weather the winter.
I battled that question for most of the day yesterday.
I decided that I was, that it was worth it to try
That I would continue to try until I'm told to stop
because I love you
because I want this to work.
But, maybe I'm not strong enough to even weather the wind
much less the blowing snow
the bleak darkness that seems to keep growing
Maybe I'm not strong enough
to unlearn 40 years of bad habits
and rebuild them with hope and strength
Maybe I'm only capable of crawling under a blanket
and letting the world go on
while I cower and shake
and live in fear.
Maybe our time isn't now
Maybe we still weren't supposed to meet
like all those times we could have met before
and didn't
It wasn't the right time
we weren't in the right places
we weren't the right people
I want to feel good again
alive
and full
and happy
like I did when we met.
I don't know when I stopped feeling that
when I changed back into
the mess that I was before
Maybe I don't have the energy to sustain
the midnight conversations
the strong desire to just be with you
and still endure the day to day
of being me
of remembering how to breathe
how to stand up for myself
how to be alone and okay
Maybe I just don't know how not to couple
so tightly that I lose myself in the other
Maybe I want too much
Maybe I want more than I have to offer
which is hardly fair
Maybe I just don't know how to love us both through December
But, I do love you.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Rob Brezsny's Libra Horoscope for week of May 19, 2011
When it's flood season, the Amazon River rises as much as 60 feet. At that time, the adjoining forests earn their name -- varzea, a Portuguese word meaning "flooded forests." The river's fish wander far and wide, venturing into the expanded territory to eat fruit from the trees. In the coming weeks, Libra, I imagine you'll be like those fish: taking advantage of the opportunities provided by a natural windfall.
*
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I love this excerpt from "The Seeker," a poem by Rilke in his Book of Hours (translated by Robert Bly): "I am circling around God, around the ancient tower, / and I have been circling for a thousand years, / and I still don't know if I am a falcon, or a storm, / or a great song." Here's my own permutation: "I am circling around love, around the throbbing hum, and I have been circling for thousands of days, and I still don't know if I am a wounded saint, or a rainy dawn, or a creation story."
Compose your own version.
(Get your own horoscope at http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/allsigns.html)
*
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
I love this excerpt from "The Seeker," a poem by Rilke in his Book of Hours (translated by Robert Bly): "I am circling around God, around the ancient tower, / and I have been circling for a thousand years, / and I still don't know if I am a falcon, or a storm, / or a great song." Here's my own permutation: "I am circling around love, around the throbbing hum, and I have been circling for thousands of days, and I still don't know if I am a wounded saint, or a rainy dawn, or a creation story."
Compose your own version.
(Get your own horoscope at http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/allsigns.html)
Monday, May 16, 2011
Settle
I've been thinking a lot about that word recently, settle. I've been told my whole life that I should settle. Settle for a career that pays that I don't enjoy. Settle for a partner who is kind and wonderful but I'm not in love with. Settle for living someplace I despise because I can afford it. I think that Settling has to be just about the worst thing a person can do. To me, it means accepting what is regardless of how you really feel about it. Take something less than you deserve because the Universe won't give you anything better. Accept something that doesn't make you happy. I think that rots.
When I moved back to my hometown my Mom said to me. You have a good home here, a place where you can settle down, get your life settled. That was, quite possibly, the worst thing she could have ever said to me. Why should I ever settle down? Why should I settle for a life that I don't want to live? Mom says she just wants me to be happy, but for me Happy does not equal Settled. Happy equals freedom to choose, freedom to roam, freedom to explore, create, imagine, change. Settled is the opposite of that, there is not freedom in being settled. Settled is like prison.
Don't misunderstand, I am fairly certain that what my mom meant was for me to find someone to share my life with, find a job that I enjoy, and just exist without all the daily 'drama' that seems to have come my way over the years. I admit, I would really like less drama in my life (more theater, less drama!), but I'm not certain that my life will ever be settled. I have too many dreams, too many desires, too many places that I want to visit, too much that I want to learn and share with others. I can't do all that sitting in one place doing one job for the rest of my life. I would like to find a partner to share the journey with though. That I would settle for. I know that no matter how much I want that, right now, I'm not ready for it. There is too much about me that is too fragile to enter into a relationship with someone. I'd fall back on bad habits that haven't served me well and expect things to be different. I would cease to change because there are so many more things to concentrate on than me when I'm in a relationship. So, in some ways I guess that part of me has to get settled before I can be ready to share my life with someone else, particularly someone who is equally unsettled (which, would have to be the case otherwise I would constantly be wanting change and my partner would be wanting settled and that wouldn't work).
Maybe some day I will want to settle down, and just enjoy the days. Maybe that will come when the transition is complete (or further along) and finally things in my life seem to naturally settle. I can hope, because I would like the house on the hill overlooking my parents pond (that will one day be my pond I hope), the horses and the multiple dogs (PBGV's and Borzoi's with a Bichon or two for good measure), the animal rescue, the other things I dream of. One day it will come, til then, I won't settle for what I have because it isn't what I want.
When I moved back to my hometown my Mom said to me. You have a good home here, a place where you can settle down, get your life settled. That was, quite possibly, the worst thing she could have ever said to me. Why should I ever settle down? Why should I settle for a life that I don't want to live? Mom says she just wants me to be happy, but for me Happy does not equal Settled. Happy equals freedom to choose, freedom to roam, freedom to explore, create, imagine, change. Settled is the opposite of that, there is not freedom in being settled. Settled is like prison.
Don't misunderstand, I am fairly certain that what my mom meant was for me to find someone to share my life with, find a job that I enjoy, and just exist without all the daily 'drama' that seems to have come my way over the years. I admit, I would really like less drama in my life (more theater, less drama!), but I'm not certain that my life will ever be settled. I have too many dreams, too many desires, too many places that I want to visit, too much that I want to learn and share with others. I can't do all that sitting in one place doing one job for the rest of my life. I would like to find a partner to share the journey with though. That I would settle for. I know that no matter how much I want that, right now, I'm not ready for it. There is too much about me that is too fragile to enter into a relationship with someone. I'd fall back on bad habits that haven't served me well and expect things to be different. I would cease to change because there are so many more things to concentrate on than me when I'm in a relationship. So, in some ways I guess that part of me has to get settled before I can be ready to share my life with someone else, particularly someone who is equally unsettled (which, would have to be the case otherwise I would constantly be wanting change and my partner would be wanting settled and that wouldn't work).
Maybe some day I will want to settle down, and just enjoy the days. Maybe that will come when the transition is complete (or further along) and finally things in my life seem to naturally settle. I can hope, because I would like the house on the hill overlooking my parents pond (that will one day be my pond I hope), the horses and the multiple dogs (PBGV's and Borzoi's with a Bichon or two for good measure), the animal rescue, the other things I dream of. One day it will come, til then, I won't settle for what I have because it isn't what I want.
Therapy Card for 5/16/2011
Today I will be open to the process of change. I will trust my Higher Power and believe that the place where I'll be dropped off is better than the place where I was picked up. I know that change is necessary to take me wherever I need to go.
A former therapist once told me that I have a terrible problem. I get bored way too easily and yet I hate change. She was right, and yet I find myself changing pretty much every part of my life, trying to make it work better. (We can rebuild him, better, stronger, faster......) Usually when I hit depression and start changing things I'll change everything but gender to see if it makes me feel better. This time I'm changing every thing except location, and sometimes I consider changing that. Hopefully, I'll find the combination of changes that make my life fall into place.
A former therapist once told me that I have a terrible problem. I get bored way too easily and yet I hate change. She was right, and yet I find myself changing pretty much every part of my life, trying to make it work better. (We can rebuild him, better, stronger, faster......) Usually when I hit depression and start changing things I'll change everything but gender to see if it makes me feel better. This time I'm changing every thing except location, and sometimes I consider changing that. Hopefully, I'll find the combination of changes that make my life fall into place.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Simple Pleasures
I was able to go to the Spring concert of the FCHS and Community Choirs. It was great. The music was really beautiful and I enjoyed listening. Wished that I could have been singing with them, but alas that was not to be this season. Fall is non-negotiable I will be singing unless something strange happens, like a job that I can't ditch to make it to practice, or losing my voice, or something. I miss singing and performing too much to just walk away from it.
I would like to congratulate all of the soloist and the choir members for a job well done and also congratulate and thank Mrs. Smith and Vicki for all of their help and direction. It really was beautiful. Wish there had been more songs!
Thankfully, there were no ugly scenes made before, during or after the performance. I feel like I have a hole in the side of my head from being stared at, but it will heal.
I would like to congratulate all of the soloist and the choir members for a job well done and also congratulate and thank Mrs. Smith and Vicki for all of their help and direction. It really was beautiful. Wish there had been more songs!
Thankfully, there were no ugly scenes made before, during or after the performance. I feel like I have a hole in the side of my head from being stared at, but it will heal.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
All Good Things...
Well, it seems as if my unemployment benefits may have finally run out. I filled out a form to get them renewed today, it will go off in the mail on Monday. However, this means that I'm flat broke for the moment. I may have to skip going to therapy on Monday because there just isn't money to cover the visit. I'm more than a little worried as to how this will play out.
DONATIONS ARE APPRECIATED, very much at this point!!!!!!
The good news is that I have a job interview early Tuesday morning. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
The other good news is that I did my third shot of T on Friday. Not entirely certain there are any obvious changes aside from acne, but it takes time and I have no choice but to be patient.
Wish me luck tomorrow, I'm going to the choir concert and I will likely have another confrontation with Mara. I don't intend to start anything, or cause any trouble, but I'm only one portion of that equation. Hopefully, Mara won't start anything. I'm only there for the music!
DONATIONS ARE APPRECIATED, very much at this point!!!!!!
The good news is that I have a job interview early Tuesday morning. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
The other good news is that I did my third shot of T on Friday. Not entirely certain there are any obvious changes aside from acne, but it takes time and I have no choice but to be patient.
Wish me luck tomorrow, I'm going to the choir concert and I will likely have another confrontation with Mara. I don't intend to start anything, or cause any trouble, but I'm only one portion of that equation. Hopefully, Mara won't start anything. I'm only there for the music!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Letting Go
During the past 5 months I've made a lot of mistakes. I can't explain why it happened, but my mental state made it impossible for me to make good decisions. I lost my ability to be calm and rational, and even understand where my thoughts were coming from. Because of that I have lost many people I had considered my friends, I have hurt them, probably more than I realize, I have lost the love of my life and effectively locked the door and burnt the bridges behind me. I've wanted for the last 3 of those months to pretend that it wasn't true. That I could fix the things I had fouled up and that the relationships could be made whole again, with time, effort and work. I do still believe this is possible, but it will only work if the other parties involved will allow me back into their lives and will work with me to correct the wrongs. Mostly, by meeting me with love, but also by being willing to provide me honest and often painful feedback when I start to mess up, revert to my old ways, etc. After re-reading the notes that have been sent to me telling me to "go away" I now realized that the doors are locked from the outside. No matter how much I may want to make things right, it is not within my power to do so as long as I have to force the door to open.
I hate having this knowledge that I am capable of being the kind of person that can make people turn away from me and never wish to come back. That is not the person I want to be. I read through a lot of the early e-mails from Mara last night. I was reminded how intense and wonderful those few months were. I was also reminded of how much she had opened herself up to me and allowed me in. She trusted me not to hurt her, and I did. I didn't realize just how deeply until last night. The saddest part is that I still don't know what I could have done differently. If I had been more aware of my state of mind and the changes going on inside me, maybe. If I had accepted being transgender years ago and maybe started transitioning sooner, maybe. But who can know? I started therapy as soon as I realized things weren't going well for me, sadly it wasn't with the right therapist and it didn't help. It was too little too late. With the other people that have chosen to walk out of my life it was more because I couldn't accept my fate and the choices that others had made. I was grasping at straws and hoping for help that was not for them to give. Only one other case was different, in that one, I made an assumption and overstepped my bounds in a big way. I broke trust with someone on a level that may never be repaired. I will be forever sorry to each of you for the pain I have caused. Not a day has gone by that I haven't sent you wishes of happiness and joy and begged the Universe to help you forgive me. I'm not giving up on the possibility that you may yet forgive me, but I'm letting go of the hope that it will be soon.
I sincerely wish things could be different.
Unfortunately, I live in a really small town. When there are people whose paths you don't want to cross, inevitably they are the people you will have most in common with and who you will run into everywhere. I've tried for the last 3 months to stay away from the places where I know you will be, but I need to get out of my house and find a life of my own. So, our paths will cross now and again. I make each of you this promise that unless you approach me, I will not approach you. I will not attempt to engage you in conversation. It is not my wish to make your life any more difficult or inflict you with more pain than I have already caused. I just want to be able to exist in peace with you. I'm not asking for harmony, just peace.
In conclusion, my door to you is unlocked. If you would like to open yourself to the possibility that one day we could be friends again, I'm here. I know it will likely be a long while before you are ready to take that step. Perhaps it is better for me that it is this way, as I'm not certain I'm ready to step back into old relationships without falling victim to past actions and mistakes. Know that you are not forgotten. Each day is a reminder of the mistakes that I have made and the hurt I have caused. I sorry.
I hate having this knowledge that I am capable of being the kind of person that can make people turn away from me and never wish to come back. That is not the person I want to be. I read through a lot of the early e-mails from Mara last night. I was reminded how intense and wonderful those few months were. I was also reminded of how much she had opened herself up to me and allowed me in. She trusted me not to hurt her, and I did. I didn't realize just how deeply until last night. The saddest part is that I still don't know what I could have done differently. If I had been more aware of my state of mind and the changes going on inside me, maybe. If I had accepted being transgender years ago and maybe started transitioning sooner, maybe. But who can know? I started therapy as soon as I realized things weren't going well for me, sadly it wasn't with the right therapist and it didn't help. It was too little too late. With the other people that have chosen to walk out of my life it was more because I couldn't accept my fate and the choices that others had made. I was grasping at straws and hoping for help that was not for them to give. Only one other case was different, in that one, I made an assumption and overstepped my bounds in a big way. I broke trust with someone on a level that may never be repaired. I will be forever sorry to each of you for the pain I have caused. Not a day has gone by that I haven't sent you wishes of happiness and joy and begged the Universe to help you forgive me. I'm not giving up on the possibility that you may yet forgive me, but I'm letting go of the hope that it will be soon.
I sincerely wish things could be different.
Unfortunately, I live in a really small town. When there are people whose paths you don't want to cross, inevitably they are the people you will have most in common with and who you will run into everywhere. I've tried for the last 3 months to stay away from the places where I know you will be, but I need to get out of my house and find a life of my own. So, our paths will cross now and again. I make each of you this promise that unless you approach me, I will not approach you. I will not attempt to engage you in conversation. It is not my wish to make your life any more difficult or inflict you with more pain than I have already caused. I just want to be able to exist in peace with you. I'm not asking for harmony, just peace.
In conclusion, my door to you is unlocked. If you would like to open yourself to the possibility that one day we could be friends again, I'm here. I know it will likely be a long while before you are ready to take that step. Perhaps it is better for me that it is this way, as I'm not certain I'm ready to step back into old relationships without falling victim to past actions and mistakes. Know that you are not forgotten. Each day is a reminder of the mistakes that I have made and the hurt I have caused. I sorry.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
What it means
A few months ago when I started coming out to friends and family as transgender I was asked "what does it mean to you to be a man?" I was dumbstruck because not only did I not have an answer, but I had honestly never considered the question before. The first answer that came to mind but I did not say was "It means I get to be myself." Certainly a question so big and broad deserves a bigger answer than that, so I just said I didn't know.
Very few days have passed that I haven't thought about that question and what the answer is to me. What does it mean to be a man? I imagine that most of you reading this have never thought about what it means to be one gender or the other. You were born a gender, it matched who you feel you are and you ran with it. You were treated as you felt you should be treated, the expectations of you matched the expectation of yourself. And most importantly, when you looked in the mirror you saw someone looking back at you who was familiar and matched the image of you that you have in your head. I was not so lucky.
Most people never think about the things that make sense to them. We just accept them and go on with life. We don't think about how our hand moves when we write, it just happens because that is what it is supposed to do. The hand was trained to do work that way without a lot of conscious effort. Acceptance of one's gender role in the world is much the same. If you are born female and have a female gender identity then you pretty much grow up thinking about girl things and it all just seems normal and natural. (yes, I know that is very sexist and stereotypical and wrong, but this is difficult stuff to explain). Can you describe what it means to you to be the gender you are WITHOUT listing things that you are able to do because you are that gender or rights that are afforded to you because you are that gender?
I have always felt that I was a boy pretending to be a girl for the sake of those around me. Things that I enjoyed doing and exploring were denied to me because they were not things for little girls to do. Now, yes, I lived a somewhat rigorously defined childhood where everything was separated into boys and girls and maybe that was part of the problem. But, I don't think so. When other 5 year old girls were asking for princess dresses and barbie dolls for their birthday, I asked for a football uniform and a football. My comforting thoughts before falling asleep at age 7 were not about unicorns and daisies, but about how I could have a penis so that I would be recognized as a boy.
For me, I have always been a man, but the world has never seen it. As I transition, I'm not becoming a man so that I can be one, I'm transitioning so that you, the world, will see the man that I have always been. I am becoming real and visible so that you see what I see when I look at myself. I have never been confused about my gender, I always knew, but I was told I was something else and I tried to be the something else. That was confusing! If I could stay the body I am, and use the name I was given and have strangers on the street see me for who I really am, I wouldn't need to transition. But, because even my own family can't see the real me, I have to transition. So, honestly, what does it mean to me to be a man? It really does mean the ability to be myself in front of everyone, to stop pretending to be a girl for the sake of others, to live my life with honesty and be treated appropriately for who I really am and not made to feel shame because I'm different.
I am becoming Aaron Christopher so that people will see me for who I am. Not because I care about a name, a marker on my driver's license, the clothes that I can wear to my brother's future wedding, or anything else that I can do without making a change. But, I've found that even when I wear men's clothing, when you don't look at the marker on my driver's license, when you don't ask my name, you still assume that I am female, and I'm not. I never have been. So, to become male means that you will see me for who I am and will more appropriately expect the person you will be meeting.
Your challenge: In the comments below write what it means to you to be the gender you were born to be.
Very few days have passed that I haven't thought about that question and what the answer is to me. What does it mean to be a man? I imagine that most of you reading this have never thought about what it means to be one gender or the other. You were born a gender, it matched who you feel you are and you ran with it. You were treated as you felt you should be treated, the expectations of you matched the expectation of yourself. And most importantly, when you looked in the mirror you saw someone looking back at you who was familiar and matched the image of you that you have in your head. I was not so lucky.
Most people never think about the things that make sense to them. We just accept them and go on with life. We don't think about how our hand moves when we write, it just happens because that is what it is supposed to do. The hand was trained to do work that way without a lot of conscious effort. Acceptance of one's gender role in the world is much the same. If you are born female and have a female gender identity then you pretty much grow up thinking about girl things and it all just seems normal and natural. (yes, I know that is very sexist and stereotypical and wrong, but this is difficult stuff to explain). Can you describe what it means to you to be the gender you are WITHOUT listing things that you are able to do because you are that gender or rights that are afforded to you because you are that gender?
I have always felt that I was a boy pretending to be a girl for the sake of those around me. Things that I enjoyed doing and exploring were denied to me because they were not things for little girls to do. Now, yes, I lived a somewhat rigorously defined childhood where everything was separated into boys and girls and maybe that was part of the problem. But, I don't think so. When other 5 year old girls were asking for princess dresses and barbie dolls for their birthday, I asked for a football uniform and a football. My comforting thoughts before falling asleep at age 7 were not about unicorns and daisies, but about how I could have a penis so that I would be recognized as a boy.
For me, I have always been a man, but the world has never seen it. As I transition, I'm not becoming a man so that I can be one, I'm transitioning so that you, the world, will see the man that I have always been. I am becoming real and visible so that you see what I see when I look at myself. I have never been confused about my gender, I always knew, but I was told I was something else and I tried to be the something else. That was confusing! If I could stay the body I am, and use the name I was given and have strangers on the street see me for who I really am, I wouldn't need to transition. But, because even my own family can't see the real me, I have to transition. So, honestly, what does it mean to me to be a man? It really does mean the ability to be myself in front of everyone, to stop pretending to be a girl for the sake of others, to live my life with honesty and be treated appropriately for who I really am and not made to feel shame because I'm different.
I am becoming Aaron Christopher so that people will see me for who I am. Not because I care about a name, a marker on my driver's license, the clothes that I can wear to my brother's future wedding, or anything else that I can do without making a change. But, I've found that even when I wear men's clothing, when you don't look at the marker on my driver's license, when you don't ask my name, you still assume that I am female, and I'm not. I never have been. So, to become male means that you will see me for who I am and will more appropriately expect the person you will be meeting.
Your challenge: In the comments below write what it means to you to be the gender you were born to be.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Libra Horoscope for week of May 5, 2011 - Rob Brezsny
(my horoscope for this week is so perfect for my life I had to share. I've often found that Rob gets these EXACTLY right. I'm probably in for a wild week! http://freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/allsigns.html)
If given the choice between having our lives change or keeping our lives the same, many of us would choose the status quo. We tend to feel that even if the current state of things is uncomfortable, it's still preferable to having to deal with the uncertainty and fear that come from transformation. But I don't think you fit this description right now, Libra. Of all the signs of the zodiac, you're the one that's most receptive to shifting the mood and experimenting with the rules. It's easier than usual for you to imagine different ways of doing things. Take advantage of this superpower.
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Sometimes hope is an irrelevant waste of time, even a stupid self-indulgence. Let's say, for instance, that I'm intently hoping that a certain disagreeable person I've got to communicate with won't answer when I call on the phone. That way I can simply leave a message on his voice mail and avoid an unpleasant exchange. But it doesn't matter what I hope. The guy will either answer or not, regardless of what I hope.
But there is another kind of hope that's potentially invigorating. Let's say I hope that we humans will reverse the environmental catastrophes we're perpetrating. Let's say that my hope motivates me to live more sustainably and to inspire others to live more sustainably. Then my hope is a catalyst.
Give two examples from your life about the two kinds of hope.
Ex 1 I hope my basement doesn't flood with this current downpour
Ex 2 I hope that I can make a difference in the lives of others by what I go through in my own life.
If given the choice between having our lives change or keeping our lives the same, many of us would choose the status quo. We tend to feel that even if the current state of things is uncomfortable, it's still preferable to having to deal with the uncertainty and fear that come from transformation. But I don't think you fit this description right now, Libra. Of all the signs of the zodiac, you're the one that's most receptive to shifting the mood and experimenting with the rules. It's easier than usual for you to imagine different ways of doing things. Take advantage of this superpower.
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Sometimes hope is an irrelevant waste of time, even a stupid self-indulgence. Let's say, for instance, that I'm intently hoping that a certain disagreeable person I've got to communicate with won't answer when I call on the phone. That way I can simply leave a message on his voice mail and avoid an unpleasant exchange. But it doesn't matter what I hope. The guy will either answer or not, regardless of what I hope.
But there is another kind of hope that's potentially invigorating. Let's say I hope that we humans will reverse the environmental catastrophes we're perpetrating. Let's say that my hope motivates me to live more sustainably and to inspire others to live more sustainably. Then my hope is a catalyst.
Give two examples from your life about the two kinds of hope.
Ex 1 I hope my basement doesn't flood with this current downpour
Ex 2 I hope that I can make a difference in the lives of others by what I go through in my own life.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Fears and Worries
I think everyone that reads this knows that from October until February I was in a relationship with a wonderful woman. It ended when I had a major flare up of my depression, and came face to face with some parts of me that I had been ignoring, namely that I am transgender and desperately needed to transition. The woman that I was dating had been very supportive of my male side, which was part of the problem, because I wasn't as supportive of my male side, so I kept trying to hide it. The hiding messed with my head. The resultant collapse of my life was very traumatic, caused our break-up, and began my transition. I said and did a lot of really stupid, mean, hurtful things between January and March because I was a mess and had no clue what I was doing. That doesn't make it okay, or excuse me from the consequences, its just a fact. Its been almost 3 months since the break-up and I'm still in love with this woman. There are days when I wish that I wasn't, but that doesn't make the hurt or the loss diminish.
I've watched others guys transition for 11 years now. I've noticed a trend, if you were single when you started your transition, you seem to stay single. If you were dating when you start, you may change partners, but you continue to be in relationships. I don't want that to be my future. I don't want to believe that my last relationship will always be my last relationship. I don't want to forever be in love with a woman I can never have. Part of me is terrified of this because she was so perfect for me in so many ways. Not that she was perfect, but that a lot of her characteristics matched with mine so well. For one thing, she had experience being with a transman, and she was cool with it! That's not something a lot of women in this 'neck of the woods' can say. She was supportive of me in pretty much every area of my life. She was strong and independent and knew what she wanted. She wasn't someone that I felt like I had to fix. Admittedly, I'm a fixer, that's what I do. Its what I've always done. I walk into relationship and I see what needs to be repaired and I repair it. Whether it be someone who can't manage their monthly bills, someone who has a health problem, someone who has a family problem, whatever, I work on fixing it. There was nothing this woman had that I needed to fix. Well, not entirely true, she had things around the house that needed fixing, and I wanted her to quit smoking. So I fixed the things around the house that I could fix. Intended on fixing more, but didn't get the chance. Ironically, she stopped smoking just before we broke up.
Today my therapy card reminded me that "my relationships will dramatically improve when I stop rescuing others and stop expecting others to rescue me." It is not my job to fix anyone, to save anyone from their circumstances. It is my job to make me the best person I can, to become Aaron Christopher.
Looking back on the relationship, there were so many times that I was accused of wanting to change this woman that I loved. I really didn't want to change anything about her (except the smoking), I wanted to change things about me so that our lives would fit together better. But, I never knew how.
Tomorrow is her 40th birthday. I was looking forward to celebrating it with her not so long ago. There is a part of me that desperately wants to wish her the happiest of years, but I know that motivations beyond a simple wish would be attributed to the action. I want her to know that I'm thinking of her tomorrow, but she probably already knows that. I still believe that there will be a time for us, I believe that she is just as much a part of my future (perhaps even more a part of my future) as she is a part of my past. I just hope that one day she will realize it to, but she is a stubborn woman who ferociously protects her child from harm and she believes that I am harmful. I'm not, I was just sick, but I'm getting much better.
I've watched others guys transition for 11 years now. I've noticed a trend, if you were single when you started your transition, you seem to stay single. If you were dating when you start, you may change partners, but you continue to be in relationships. I don't want that to be my future. I don't want to believe that my last relationship will always be my last relationship. I don't want to forever be in love with a woman I can never have. Part of me is terrified of this because she was so perfect for me in so many ways. Not that she was perfect, but that a lot of her characteristics matched with mine so well. For one thing, she had experience being with a transman, and she was cool with it! That's not something a lot of women in this 'neck of the woods' can say. She was supportive of me in pretty much every area of my life. She was strong and independent and knew what she wanted. She wasn't someone that I felt like I had to fix. Admittedly, I'm a fixer, that's what I do. Its what I've always done. I walk into relationship and I see what needs to be repaired and I repair it. Whether it be someone who can't manage their monthly bills, someone who has a health problem, someone who has a family problem, whatever, I work on fixing it. There was nothing this woman had that I needed to fix. Well, not entirely true, she had things around the house that needed fixing, and I wanted her to quit smoking. So I fixed the things around the house that I could fix. Intended on fixing more, but didn't get the chance. Ironically, she stopped smoking just before we broke up.
Today my therapy card reminded me that "my relationships will dramatically improve when I stop rescuing others and stop expecting others to rescue me." It is not my job to fix anyone, to save anyone from their circumstances. It is my job to make me the best person I can, to become Aaron Christopher.
Looking back on the relationship, there were so many times that I was accused of wanting to change this woman that I loved. I really didn't want to change anything about her (except the smoking), I wanted to change things about me so that our lives would fit together better. But, I never knew how.
Tomorrow is her 40th birthday. I was looking forward to celebrating it with her not so long ago. There is a part of me that desperately wants to wish her the happiest of years, but I know that motivations beyond a simple wish would be attributed to the action. I want her to know that I'm thinking of her tomorrow, but she probably already knows that. I still believe that there will be a time for us, I believe that she is just as much a part of my future (perhaps even more a part of my future) as she is a part of my past. I just hope that one day she will realize it to, but she is a stubborn woman who ferociously protects her child from harm and she believes that I am harmful. I'm not, I was just sick, but I'm getting much better.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
I feel like there is something I should be saying
But, honestly I have no clue what to talk about. I've been really tired since my second injection on Friday, and hungry. Specifically, I've been craving protein, well steak. I really want steak. Lots of steak.
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