I promised I would post on Friday. This is not the newly revised totally new piece that I was going to write. This is what I composed earlier this week, with only minor edits. I will probably still write the new piece later, I just haven't had the time or the brain cells for it yet. Incidentally, yesterday would have been 7 months.
It is quickly approaching what would have been my 7 month anniversary with Mara. Sadly, it is also quickly approaching the 4 month anniversary of our break-up. It still seems so sad to me that what started with such promise died so quickly. I'm still listening to Adele's 21 and 19 which have become the break-up albums for this relationship (every relationship I've ever had has seemed to have one). There are just so many lines of so many songs that seem so appropriate that I can't stop listening. It doesn't break my heart anymore to hear them, but instead makes me smile a little and reminds me of what I've lost, which is an okay place to be. I guess that means that I am healing.
A few weeks ago I decided to read some of the old e-mails from Mara to me and vice-versa. I hadn't looked at them since they first arrived in my inbox. It was startling to read them now and see just how powerful our feelings had been and also how frightened Mara was of trusting me. And yet, she did. She trusted me to not be like the relationships from her past that had caused her so much pain and remorse. She trusted me not to hurt her, to be that "stand up" person that was consistently reliable, stable, sane, and capable of unconditional love for her and her daughter. I failed to live up to the expectations.
Mara had been able to accept parts of me that I wasn't sure I was ready to accept. Mainly, she accepted me as Aaron Christopher. I, on the other hand, had spent 11 years denying that part of me because I wasn't ready to explain it to my Mom and Dad or anyone else that wasn't of my generation. So, I did what I had always done, and chose not to focus on it and instead focused totally on Mara. As with all the previous relationships, this failed miserably. I have since learned that you cannot focus solely on the needs of one partner and totally deny your own needs. You can't help someone else be happy if you aren't happy with yourself. And, most importantly no one wants to be around someone who is in complete denial of their true self, what they want from life, etc, and is completely co-dependent on the reactions of their mother! I had no idea what co-dependency really meant until March, which was several months after Mara and I split up. Now, I'm working on it, well, the ending of the co-dependency shuffle in my life. It ain't easy.
I also read some of the e-mails and letters that I had written to Mara towards the end of things. There were so many times that I wrote about our relationship ending, being afraid that it was ending, thinking that perhaps it should end, how little time we had actually been happy together. I wonder now if I really wanted to be in the relationship or if I was just trying to beat Mara to the punch of ending it so I wouldn't be the one getting hurt. We didn't have an easy 2.5 months together. My dog died within two weeks of us starting to date, then I got a raging e-coli infection in my kidneys, then the holidays, rehearsals, and PTSD issues hit, as well as final exams, final papers, snow fall, and eventually starting school again. There was little time for us to really get to know each other before things just got all messed up. And yet, I can tell you that the happy times we had together were some of the happiest of my life. I was finally with someone who truly made me feel loved and accepted in all things. I could be myself and it was not only okay, but it was good. I was part of a family and I loved it. Admittedly, I was very out of practice when it came to establishing a relationship with a 13 y/o, but I loved spending time with her and her friends nevertheless. I loved the pseudo-parental responsibilities that I got to take on, shuffling her from one rehearsal to another, picking her up after school, driving her places, being there when she got off the bus if Mara couldn't be. I loved watching Glee with her on Tuesday nights, and sharing movies and Netflix TV at other times. I loved feeling like the proud parent in the audience, having that feeling of "One day I'll get to say I knew her when...." because she is going to be amazing. I still have no idea how she ever really felt about me, but I love her. She is such a beautiful, amazing, smart, talented, extraordinary kid.
Looking back, maybe I put on my rose colored glasses (which I actually had, but gave to Mara at some point) and thought everything was perfect. It wasn't perfect, sometimes it wasn't even good but, it had the potential to become a beautiful thing if only I hadn't gone so horribly wrong. Don't misunderstand, I don't rest the blame solely on my shoulders, it was shared by both Mara and I quite equally I imagine. But, my resolve to once again deny my gender identity was the catalyst for the depression that started in December and resulted in a lot of the issues that blew-up between us. I take full responsibility for that portion. When we split up, Mara stated "I don't even know who you are any more." She was right, she didn't. I didn't know who I was any more. I had lost my self by pushing pieces of me back into the basement of my soul. It’s been nearly 4 months and I can tell you that I am the person that Mara met in October, but I'm not fully healed. My identity is not fully solidified; I'm still working on that. But, I am back to being the stable, sane, responsible, capable, person that I was when Mara fell in love with me.
I have no idea if there is hope for reconciliation. I'd still like to believe that there is. Yes, I know I stated that there were more bad times than good with us, but the good was so good that I think the bad could have been worked through. In the early days we wondered why it was that we hadn't met earlier. I mean, we essentially grew up in the same town from age 8 until 18, we dated the same boy, just not at the same time. We've lived in the same town again for the past 3 years and yet we didn't meet until last year. Maybe it still wasn't our time to be together and that time will still come if hearts can be mended and hurts can be forgiven. I know that I bear no ill-will to Mara for ending our relationship when she did. She made a very difficult decision to walk away from a person who was not sane at the time in order to protect herself and her child. I respect and admire her ability to do that. If I had been in her place I don't know that I could have made that decision and held my ground. That being said, having tried once before to put a relationship back together after it had ended I know how hard it can be to let go of the fear that you are just repeating your mistakes. I don't know that I can let go of the fear that if she senses I'm having a bad day she won't run away thinking that it is another depressive episode waiting to happen. I don't know that she could ever really trust me not to hurt her or change into that crazy person who said so many horrible things to her. Only time will tell I guess. I know that I love her, some days I wish that I didn't because it would be nice not to feel this emptiness, other days I'm glad that I do because it is still such a living thing that I don’t feel empty at all. It's a catch-22 I guess. Only time will tell if we can forgive ourselves and each other and move forward. Right now, I've learned to let go, not of the feelings I have, but at least of Mara. I've stopped looking for her everywhere I go. When I see her I'm not trying to talk to her. I'm not composing letters to her begging for forgiveness and asking for a chance to try again. She needs time and space and a chance to heal. I'm here if she wants to talk, and I'm okay if she doesn't. I still feel that she is the Yin to my Yang, or perhaps it’s the other way around. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever known. Her smile makes me weak in the knees and melts my heart. Maybe someday that smile that brightens my day will be again directed at me.
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