One of my friends recently posted, or perhaps I just read somewhere that due to FB, Myspace, etc we are losing the concept of what privacy really means. I know that I have regularly been told that I should watch what I post on FB because you never know who might be reading it. The thing is, I don't care who is reading it because I usually don't believe anyone is reading what I post. Occasionally I will get a like or a comment, but not all that often. And when it comes to what I blog here, I'm fairly certain that almost no one reads it. But, I'm okay with that. This is where I think. I throw my words out here for the world to see and give me feedback if they so desire. I put my experiences out here so that perhaps others can learn from my life, or see me in a different light than they once did. That's why I post. That's why I write. That's why I wish I had more people in my life that I talk to on a regular basis (then I wouldn't share so much, or maybe I would, I don't know)
Anyway....I'm at one of those pivotal life interchanges where there are so many roads branching off and it feels like I need to make a million decisions (or at least one decision) immediately or I'm just going to end up on the same path forever. I know it isn't true, but that is how it feels at times. Right now, I'm having mom issues. She loves me and she is worried about me and I respect that, I also feel like she is a little too close in my life right now. I want space to figure things out and I don't know how to ask for it without hurting her feelings. So, I'm thinking about whether or not I want to stay in Floyd. I honestly don't have the means to make ANY sort of move right now, but part of me is feeling the urge to head back to the Pacific Northwest. It felt as much like home there as it ever has here. Don't misunderstand, I love living here in Floyd, and I think there are reasons why I'm here, but I don't think I'll end up staying. Part of me wonders if I'm not staying because I know if I leave there might never be another chance for Mara and I. Maybe I have to leave for there to be a chance. Who knows? So, that's one of the intersections Where to live?
The next would be What to do? I know I need to find a job of some sort pretty darn soon. But, I'm hesitant to take the job down the hill only to possibly find something else in a few weeks that I really want to do and then leave family in the lurch because I'm going to take care of me. That seems wrong. But, I need a pay check, so I don't know.
Part two of that is trying to figure out what I want to do for the LONG TERM. What do I want to be when I grow up? Right now, I'm seriously wrestling between being a Vet Tech, which I know I love, but has little prospect for a bright financial future, and a serious ceiling on how high I can climb and going into counseling (meaning me as the counselor, I'm already in counseling as the patient!) Becoming a counselor has been on my list of career possibilities for 20 years. I just never really knew how to go about getting started, and the one time I tried life got in the way. But, what if neither is the right path for me? What if I go to school for another 3 years, end up $50K in debt with student loans and still can only find a job making $8/hr? What then?
Then I wonder if I'm going to be doing all of this alone forever? I mean, its a valid fear. I don't know how to go about telling someone that I'm interested in that I'm trans, although I told Mara during our first lunch together, the fact was that I wasn't transitioning. Now, I am. At some point I'll stop looking like a woman, how am I going to attract a beautiful lesbian into my arms if I look like a man? (yes, I thought of this before I started transitioning, and no, it didn't stop me!) Being that I can't even find a lesbian to date here in Floyd maybe the possibility of moving back West makes more sense if I don't want to be alone. Although, damn it, I still believe in possibilities.
Then of course, we hit the intersection of How am I going to do any of these things? And that is really where I get stuck, because I don't know. A friend told me last night that I'll never get anywhere without a solid goal that I can visualize. I don't know that I have a goal, or perhaps I have too many goals and I can't pick just one. I don't know where the money is going to come from. I don't know where the time will come from for classes depending on the job that I have (I'm assuming that I WILL have a job by September!)
Mostly, right now, I'm thinking about the where. I miss the beauty of Seattle. I miss the people of Seattle. I miss the possibilities of Seattle. I was reminded today that when I left Seattle that I stated it was because "I didn't feel like I belonged there" Maybe I don't belong anywhere. Maybe I needed to be here in order to learn something about myself that will allow me to belong somewhere, with someone, doing something that I love. I'm just going to keep believing that until I get a clearer picture of my goal. Right now, I can see the sun setting over the Olympic mountains across the Puget Sound. I'm on the viaduct heading North, the windows in the car are down and I can smell the fish air rising up from below. The city is quiet for a city, and twinkling in the sunlight reflections on the mirrored windows of the sky scrapers. In the rear view mirror I can see Mt. Rainier glowing in pink radiance as the clouds float by and the moon rises to the East. The air is cool and refreshing, and all I can think of is "I live in the most beautiful place on Earth, how lucky I am to be here."
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