Letting Go

During the past 5 months I've made a lot of mistakes. I can't explain why it happened, but my mental state made it impossible for me to make good decisions. I lost my ability to be calm and rational, and even understand where my thoughts were coming from. Because of that I have lost many people I had considered my friends, I have hurt them, probably more than I realize, I have lost the love of my life and effectively locked the door and burnt the bridges behind me. I've wanted for the last 3 of those months to pretend that it wasn't true. That I could fix the things I had fouled up and that the relationships could be made whole again, with time, effort and work. I do still believe this is possible, but it will only work if the other parties involved will allow me back into their lives and will work with me to correct the wrongs. Mostly, by meeting me with love, but also by being willing to provide me honest and often painful feedback when I start to mess up, revert to my old ways, etc. After re-reading the notes that have been sent to me telling me to "go away" I now realized that the doors are locked from the outside. No matter how much I may want to make things right, it is not within my power to do so as long as I have to force the door to open.
I hate having this knowledge that I am capable of being the kind of person that can make people turn away from me and never wish to come back. That is not the person I want to be. I read through a lot of the early e-mails from Mara last night. I was reminded how intense and wonderful those few months were. I was also reminded of how much she had opened herself up to me and allowed me in. She trusted me not to hurt her, and I did. I didn't realize just how deeply until last night. The saddest part is that I still don't know what I could have done differently. If I had been more aware of my state of mind and the changes going on inside me, maybe. If I had accepted being transgender years ago and maybe started transitioning sooner, maybe. But who can know? I started therapy as soon as I realized things weren't going well for me, sadly it wasn't with the right therapist and it didn't help. It was too little too late. With the other people that have chosen to walk out of my life it was more because I couldn't accept my fate and the choices that others had made. I was grasping at straws and hoping for help that was not for them to give. Only one other case was different, in that one, I made an assumption and overstepped my bounds in a big way. I broke trust with someone on a level that may never be repaired. I will be forever sorry to each of you for the pain I have caused. Not a day has gone by that I haven't sent you wishes of happiness and joy and begged the Universe to help you forgive me. I'm not giving up on the possibility that you may yet forgive me, but I'm letting go of the hope that it will be soon.
I sincerely wish things could be different.
Unfortunately, I live in a really small town. When there are people whose paths you don't want to cross, inevitably they are the people you will have most in common with and who you will run into everywhere. I've tried for the last 3 months to stay away from the places where I know you will be, but I need to get out of my house and find a life of my own. So, our paths will cross now and again. I make each of you this promise that unless you approach me, I will not approach you. I will not attempt to engage you in conversation. It is not my wish to make your life any more difficult or inflict you with more pain than I have already caused. I just want to be able to exist in peace with you. I'm not asking for harmony, just peace.
In conclusion, my door to you is unlocked. If you would like to open yourself to the possibility that one day we could be friends again, I'm here. I know it will likely be a long while before you are ready to take that step. Perhaps it is better for me that it is this way, as I'm not certain I'm ready to step back into old relationships without falling victim to past actions and mistakes. Know that you are not forgotten. Each day is a reminder of the mistakes that I have made and the hurt I have caused. I sorry.