The Holidays

When I was a child the winter holidays held so much magic for me.  I remember being tiny and comparing the height of my stack of  Christmas gifts with the stack my Grandmother recieved.  I loved the gifts.  I loved getting together with my family.  I loved the food and the decorations.  I always looked forward to it and was sad when the  days were over.
But, things changed as I got older.  I spent most of family get togethers sitting on the stairs watching my family interact.  I was an outsider looking in.  It wasn't that I felt unloved, or unwanted.  I just didn't feel like I 'fit' with them any more.  I wanted to and I didn't want to.  Its impossible to explain and just as difficult for me to really understand.  The magic was vanishing.
After college, when I was married, I spent my first Christmas away from my family.  It was one of the hardest things I had ever done.  I don't think that I have ever been as homesick as I was that day.  However, after surviving the first one away it got easier and easier.  I've since found that the holidays are easier when you have someone else to share them with.  Two years ago when I was partnered for the first time in a few years I felt the magic come back.  And then it faded again.  Not because of the ending of the relationship, but more because I changed.  Last year I was just over 8 months into my transition and still not fully knowing where things were going for me.  I didn't know if I was going to stay Ellen or completely morph into Aaron, so it was easier to b with the people who I fear will never recognize my transition.  This year it isn't so easy.
Tonight I sat around a table playing cards with my parents, my brother and his wife, a cousin, an uncle and two aunts.  In so many ways it felt safe and comfortable and nostalgic.  And then someone would call me Ellen, and I would feel my stomach flip and my heart break just a little.  It broke because Ellen isn't here any more, and it broke because I knew that I am hurting the people I love more than all others by doing this, and it broke because I am too weak to stand up for who I am and say my name to them and claim my existance.  "I am Aaron" I should have said, but I didn't.  I just let my heart break and continued on.
A week or so ago I met with one of my professors to discuss how behind I am with my class work, all the really cool things that are happening in my life that are making it difficult to get my class work completed, and the fact that I'm just exhausted all of the time.  After listening to me talk for a bit and mentioning that my Mom still calls me Ellen and how my coworkers and friends deal with my mother about that, she looked at me and said "no wonder you are tired."  You are living two lives, trying to manage how everyone else thinks and feels about you, trying to buffer the world for your mother, and manage a situation that shouldn't be so difficult.  Basically, I'm working overtime every day just to keep the balls in the air so my mother doesn't have to have my transition shoved in her face and in so doing, I'm denying who I truly am and continuing to shove everything that I'm becoming back into the skin of Ellen, which was never a good fit.  And this is only Thanksgiving!  Christmas is going to be so much worse.
In less than a week I'm going to give a presentation on what it is like to be Trans to a large group of mental health professionals.  For them I have no problem standing up and proclaiming who I am, what I go through every day, what I have gone through during the course of my life, etc.  Its not a problem.  I'm Aaron, I'm confident (and somewhat self-absorbed) and I can hold my own just being totally real. And just thinking about it I feel like such a huge fraud! I can't be myself in front of my family how can I even begin to think that I know what it is like to be a self-actualized Trans person living in the world and enduring what the world throws at me.  Once again I feel that I need to suddenly grow a spine!
And with that, I'm going to call it a night and hope that in the craziness that ensues with a huge family meal tomorrow that I can fly under the radar, hang out with my brother and his wife and escape unscathed with some amount of dignity in tact.  Wish me luck.

Coming Out Day

Ah, the joys of coming out.  Really?  Did I just write that?  It was not a joyful thing to come out that first time  13 or so years ago, it was terrifying.  I was convinced that my parents would disown me.  Although actually, that wasn't my FIRST coming out.  I had come out numerous times to other family, friends, co-workers, ex-spouses, etc.  Every time was at least a little terrifying, and every time turned out far better than I had hoped and expected.  Coming out as a lesbian was a lot less terrifying than coming out as Trans, and a lot easier.  People understand sexual attraction better than they understand gender.  Coming out as Trans has been a lot more difficult for me, as it usually requires an explanation of what being Trans means.  It is also usually accompanied by all the same irrelevant, rude questions.  Have you had the surgery yet?  Are you going to have the surgery?  And then a flurry of well-intentioned compliments that cut like barbed wire.  "But, you are such a pretty girl".  Followed by more questions that also cut to the core "How do your parents feel?  How will you find someone to date? Are you the only one?
There are days I so wish I could just be Aaron and the questions would stop.  I would like to walk down the street and not feel people looking at me with their unspoken questions.  I would like to not be ma'amed.  I would like to not be apologized to when someone gets it right and then thinks they got it wrong.  I would like to look back on my boyhood.  Heck, some days I'd just like to use the urinal.  But, I will likely never have a day when I don't have to come out or have my gender or sexual identity questioned by someone, even if they don't actually ask.  Because I have CHOSEN to work as an activist and a supporter of change for laws and policies directed towards LGBTQ individuals, I will likely NEVER have a day when I can just be Aaron.  A day when I can just be a brother, a son, a boyfriend, eventually and uncle.  I will instead be Aaron, who used to be Ellen who was a girl but is now a boy...........
For me, there is no such thing as Coming Out DAY, it is Coming Out LIFETIME!  Perhaps that just means that I should celebrate EVERYDAY!  And really, despite my moaning and complaining about coming out over and over and over again, coming out has been a pretty okay thing for me.  I don't think I really started living, loving, or maturing until I actually came out.  I truly don't believe that I entered mental puberty until I started my transition.  I had no clue who I was or what I wanted to be or even if I would survive until AFTER I came out.  It was like being born again and again and again.....
So for everyone who is coming out for the first time today, congratulations, today is the first day of the rest of your life and get used to it, because this is not the last time that you will have to stand up and face the masses and be yourself.  But, have faith, you can do it.  You are not alone.  You are loved and cared for by a community of people that you may not have met yet.  Keep looking, we are everywhere!
For those of you that find yourself coming out again today for the first time to someone new and the millionth time in your own history, take heart.  That's one less person you have to tell tomorrow.  And remember all those newbies that need  your mentorship.  You were a first timer once too!
And finally, for those of you who are lucky enough to have someone come out to you for the first time today keep these things in mind.  1.  You must be incredibly special for someone to risk losing you to tell you something so very important about themselves.  2.  Remember to thank them for sharing that with you.  3. Tell them how much you support them (unless you don't and then you might as well be honest).  4. Save the questions for another time, but ask if it is okay to ask questions later.  Keep today as a celebration of the person that loves you enough to share themselves with you so that you will have a deeper understanding of who they really are.  They love you enough to let you love them for who they really are, not for who you want them to be.  That's a HUGE thing to do.
There, I said it.  Carry on and keep coming out!

Lots of Little Updates In One Big Post

Okay, I *should* be working on a learning agreement for school/internship, or writing one a paper that is due on Tuesday, or catching up on the multiple chapters that I need to have read by Tuesday, but, I'm not.  I have so many little things that I just want to write about and it has been 3 months since my last post, so I feel it is a good time to actually do this.

So brief updates in order of my memory.
My name is legally Aaron Christopher and has been since July 16 (or was it June?)  It is also now changed on almost all important documents and accounts, I'm still missing my passport, a bank account, and car insurance.  Oh, and medical records.....  what a major pain.

My internship was solidified and I'm now an intern with the local School Social Worker.  I'm supposedly working 15 hours a week, but I haven't gotten much done this week.  I need to finish my learning agreement for a meeting tomorrow with all of my supervisors.  I'll get it done, although I really don't want to.

Student loan money doesn't go nearly as far as I thought it should.  I don't know what all I have purchased, but I'm practically out of money until Spring.  Not good since I am only working 20 hours a week at the store.

School has begun, and I'm really enjoying it, although not a night goes by that I don't sit in class and wonder if this was the right path for me, or will I ever be able to do all of this and do it well.  Then something will get said or done and I'll think "yeah, this is where I'm supposed to be".  I'm making some good friends in my classes, which is awesome since I'll be spending more time with them than with anyone else for the next two years!  They seem to accept me as Aaron, without question and when told that I'm trans (how many times do I have to come out!?) have been very supportive.  One of my professors called me 'she' on the second night.  I called him on it via e-mail the next day and we had a great conversation about my life, my goals, etc. I think he is going to be a good ally in the department, as well as a mentor and friend.  But, perhaps I'm just hoping.

I think that about sums up the update portion.  Now for the actual writing....

Part 1.
What tells us that someone is male or female?  In most cases it is so much deeper than simply the way we dress, how we wear our hair, etc.  Some people seem to manage androgyny with little effort.  Perhaps it is the blessing of smaller breasts, slimmer hips, or some physical feature.  I can't say for sure.  I wish I knew.  After almost a year and half on T I'm still getting read as female a good portion of the time.  Most of the time strangers see me as Male, but not all.  What do some people see that others don't?
I've read blogs that discuss changing the way you stand, so that you appear more male.  Being clean shaven vs peach fuzz beards? Vocal intonations? Hand gestures? and even Micro expressions which are the little twitches that you do involuntarily to indicate anything from disgust to pleasure.  Who notices what?
I'd love to do some sort of research project to try to figure this out, but it really isn't a social work thing.  I don't know if it would be considered psychology, sociology, or anthropology.  But, I think it is fascinating.  I had a friend once (I've lost track of him) that did research in Linguistics.  His topic was "Speech Patterns of Gay Men".  I would love to find out what his conclusions were, perhaps I'll have to google it.  It seems like there should be some research out there about Visual cues to gendering.  I would imagine that it is somewhat culturally specific, since gender roles vary from culture to culture.  But, then again it isn't so much about the gender roles.
When I questioned friends on what it could possibly be that causes me to be read as female, the first thing they jumped on was "are you trying to act hyper masculine?"  It was felt that 'overacting' would be read more as being a drag king or a super butch lesbian and could therefore cause me to be seen as female.  I don't feel that I act particularly hyper masculine.  My professor suggested that maybe I dress too androgynously, i.e. jeans, button down shirt, slip on shoes.  But, I could sit right right next to a guy wearing similar clothing and he would still be read as male and I would likely be read as female.  So, what's the difference?  How would you research this?  What are  your thoughts?  Feel free to send me your answers or post your thoughts!

Part 2
Playing well with others or When do I get my way?
This is just a little rant.  I hate group projects.  Mostly I hate them because my ideas are usually not the most popular and therefore rarely get chosen for the project topic.  One of the things we were told at student orientation was that we might want to consider doing most or many of our research projects on the area of social work that we hope to focus on.  For me, that would be LGBTQ issues, particularly Trans issues. For most of my cohort it is all about Veterans Issues.  While I admit that I am patriotic and thankful to the Vets for all that they do for us.  I have little to no interest in actually providing services to them.  It just isn't my thing.  I'm not a vet, I have no experience being part of a military family, I can't serve in the military because I'm trans, so it just isn't my interest. (I fully support the fact that our vets need services and I'm glad that others are there to provide them and will do a better job at providing them than I will).  Sadly, very few people seem to share my interest.  So, I'm getting 'stuck' researching veterans health care and mental health options and policy when I'd rather be concentrating on Transgender issues in the health care system.  Barriers to care, lack of care, etc.  But, I can't because I'm part of a group.  I'm thinking that I need to network with the group so that in the future when we are asked to break up into teams perhaps we can move into groups with similar interest topics.  (I love the fact that when I start writing I get the little glimpses of insight that I would otherwise miss, that Why didn't I think of that before? moment)

Okay, enough for now.  Time to go back to the homework that needs to be done, and then hopefully the steaks will be thawed and I can grill some dinner.  With any luck my next post will be sooner rather than later!

OFFICIAL

The name change was approved.  Now I just have to transfer the new name to all the old accounts, documents, schools, etc.
And with the new law in effect when I go to the DMV to change my name I can also change my gender marker to M!

Yippee

So MUCH has happened!

I really should post more often as a lot of really awesome things have been happening recently and I have done a very poor job at relaying/chronically any of it.  So here goes, as quickly as I can possibly update (as I have to get ready for work in about 15 minutes)
1.  I was officially accepted to grad school at Radford University to work towards a Masters in Social Work on 5/16 (at least, that is when I found out!)
2.  I finally had the stones in my right kidney blown to bits, also on 5/16!
3.  I think I have full coverage for my tuition and fees for the year, sadly it is through student loans, but I'm hoping that I can work on that as I don't want to be paying back loans for 20 years after retirement.
4.  I will likely have an internship in Floyd for the first two semesters.  Sadly, this may require wearing a suit and tie every day.  So I found two suits at Goodwill for $7 each!
5.  I OFFICIALLY filed for my name change to Aaron Christopher two days ago.  The woman at the clerk's office was less than cordial about accepting my paperwork.  Hopefully the judge will be more open-minded, but we shall see.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.

I think that is the majority of the big things.  I'll write more about all of it later as it is time to start thinking about food, hopping in the shower, taking Taffy out, etc!

Life Update

The semester finally ended on 5/8.  I managed to finish up with an A-, B+ and B-, which was pretty good as far as I was concerned.
On 5/16 I had the stones in my Right Kidney blasted into passable sand.  That was no fun, but I'm doing much better now.
Also on 5/16 things changed on my MYRadford University page (or whatever it is really called), which led me to believe that perhaps I might have gotten accepted for graduate admission for the fall, but there was no way to know for certain until I returned home and checked my mail.  The mail check on Sunday 5/20 confirmed that I have indeed been accepted.  I'm shocked, amazed, excited, frightened, and anything but ready.  I still have to figure out financial aid, hopefully it will pay for classes and then some.  It would be great if it would pay enough that I wouldn't have to work as well.  If it is less than what I need then I will have to drop down to part time admission and go from there.  It will all work out.
After finding out that the acceptance was for real, I went to church with mom, my brother and his wife.  It was the first time I'd been in church since perhaps Christmas.  This was mostly due to work, and partially due to not feeling like I wanted to be there for any other reason than to make mom happy.  Don't get me wrong, I love my church family, I have a strong faith, etc, but I don't feel the urge to be at church.  So I don't go.  Mom always taught me that I shouldn't do important things for the wrong reasons.  It was announced at church that I had been accepted to Grad school.  I got lots of congratulations from friends afterwards, but not one word from mom.  That really hurt.  I kind of expected it as we had had the talk just a few weeks before about me being/getting too old to be searching for a career.  I need to just do something and make some money to live on.  She's convinced that perhaps I should just be a convenience store clerk for the rest of my life, because I don't hate the work.  I just want to do something more meaningful with my life, and for the first time in a long time I feel that this is the right thing for me to do.  We'll see.  All I know is that I have too many student loans to payback to work at a gas station for a living.
Now that I've gotten my acceptance out of the way and I know that grad school is starting this fall, its time to make the name change legal and get my driver's license changed.  I'm a little hesitant to do it, but it seems like the right thing to do and the next step in the process.
I'll keep you posted and I'll likely make the decision and process the needed paperwork by the end of May (which doesn't give me long to decide!)

Realizations

Last night I drove home from an outing with friends and classmates in Blacksburg.  I had been listening to Sara Bareilles on the drive over and back.  The one song that kept popping up and reminding me of the ex was "Say You're Sorry".  I realized that I'm still looking for an apology that I will probably never get.
And then.....
Earlier today I had the opportunity to watch a recorded performance of my ex reading a poem she wrote.  I took advantage of the opportunity and realized a couple of things.
1.  She's not as beautiful as I remember
2.  My heart didn't go pitter patter at the sound of her voice
3.  My poems are better
4.  I'm better off without her
and (this is the best one)
5.  I'm free

I just thought I would share.  Looking forward to better things.

The Paper I Didn’t Write

It has been a semester, well perhaps a year, of true self-discovery.  I began my journey to becoming Aaron just over a year ago.  When I started I had no idea what a ride I was in for.  I had heard lots about the physical and emotional changes that going on hormones would create.  But, some of the changes that testosterone produced in me were never mentioned by other transmen, or at least were so infrequently discussed that I had never heard of them.  What I began to realize is that I am growing up, FINALLY.  I am finding my voice in this world and even though sometimes the words aren’t there, when they are the message is loud and clear.  I am finding my way, my path, and my self-actualized epiphany; in short, I’m finding myself. 

I’ve spent years in therapy, some of which was merely self-reflection, trying to figure out where things went ‘wrong’ in my life.  There was a time when I was a happy, well-adjusted, little person.  Of course, I was 5 at the time so it isn’t like I ever made it to adulthood with my idea of self intact.  Somewhere in there I lost a part of myself and I always wanted to know where and how I could find that point and start over.  I wanted to relive my life as it was meant to be lived.  But, there was a fatal flaw in my theory, I had made the assumption that I was ever on the right path.  I started life as a physical girl, but I was never really a girl.  The wrong path in my life began the moment they put that little F on my birth certificate.  From that day on I was forced by parents, convention, society, media, or whatever to be someone I was never meant to be.  I am a boy, but I have a vagina, ovaries and breasts.  I grew up and was socialized as a female.  I did everything I could to play the part of Ellen to keep the world that surrounded me happy.  But, I never felt any of it.  I was insulated and isolated from the world around me because I couldn’t allow myself to experience life the way I was meant to and I acted as though I did so that I would fit in.  Puberty was non-existent, not that the biological puberty didn’t happen, it did, but the mental aspects of it never seemed to occur.  I faked my way through it.  I dated boys.  I went to proms.  I had sex.  I got married.  I wanted to die.  Living a lie hurts to the core.

There were no words in my vocabulary that could explain to anyone what I was feeling, what I had been feeling since I was tiny.  Even if the words existed, no one would have understood.  Being transgender is not something that anyone who isn’t transgender can really ‘get’.  Those who care can empathize, but never truly understand what it is like.  I’ve spent most of the past 12 years or more trying to find an analogy that would successfully convey the feeling.  I’m not convinced that it doesn’t really exist.  Gender is something that is so much a part of each of us that it often suffices as an identity.  Because most people are born with their mental gender matching their physical sex they can’t understand how someone could be any other way.  The way you live your life fits with the functioning of your genitals, your hormones, your desires, etc.  In the case of the transgendered individual, sex and gender don’t match.  And because of that, things just don’t make sense.  Your body fits one picture, your brain fits another.  One of my girlfriends took me shopping once and put me in a dress.  Her reaction was “you look like a boy in a dress”, but when I tried on a suit it was just the opposite “you look like a girl in a suit”.  That was how I felt about everything in my life.

It still amazes me how much that discontinuity affected everything else.  Because I was living the gendered lie I somehow had no clue what my sexuality was, I had no clue what I wanted to be when I grew up, I wasn’t even certain that I would ever grow up.  I made plans and goals that could be accomplished by the time I was 20.  When I lived to 21 I wasn’t at all sure what I was supposed to do.  While there are probably many people out there that will claim that my gender identity had nothing to do with my inability to find my path and my voice at a younger age, I feel it is completely justified.  There is a way that we are socialized growing up that seems to point us in the path we are meant to go.  (That is a severe generalization and far from accurate, but it is the best I’ve got at the moment).  When your body and your brain are at odds, and completely opposite ends of the spectrum, it is impossible to figure out the details in the middle.  You can’t experience the evolution from child to adult the same way because you are too busy focusing on how to survive and make sense of this disconnect. 

When I started testosterone last April I feel that I finally entered puberty and began to grow up.  Finally the world around me started making sense (well, as much sense as a dysfunctional world can make).  It was like the light came on in a dark room and I could suddenly find the pieces of the puzzle that I had been missing for 20 years.  I suddenly had boundaries, edges that allowed me to fill in the missing aspects of my personality.  I had an image of what I could become.  Finally I had me as something to work with, a tangible piece of clay to mold and not some ethereal vision created by the world outside that I had to try to fit in to.

And it wasn’t a slow process either.  It took one shot of the essential T and I suddenly began to feel at home in my own skin.  Nothing visible had changed, but just the presence of the hormone in my system seemed to make all the difference.  That too is impossible to describe.  Unlike a lot of other transmen that I know my gender dysphoria was not centered on the physical appearance of my body.  Not that there weren’t days that I didn’t look in the mirror and shudder at the sight of me, there were plenty of those.  (I once explained it to a friend of mine as being the reason I only have one mirror in my house, and I can only see myself from the shoulders up.  It helps eliminate the dissonance and allowed me to just ignore the physical)  The only problem was that no one else could ignore the physical as well as I did.  While I maintain that I’m not transitioning so that I can have “things” or “male privilege”  I am transitioning so that the people I come into contact with will see me for who I am and treat me accordingly.  When I realized that was the case I began to wonder if perhaps I really needed to transition or if the strict gender roles supported in the pervasive dichotomy just needed to change or at least be more flexible.  But, I will never know the answer to that question.  It can’t be answered because, unfortunately, the dichotomy isn’t going to change in my lifetime and aside from that I can’t retroactively change my past in order to change my present.  I am on the path that I am on and that’s just the way it is.

In the classes that I have taken this semester there has been much discussion surrounding gender as a social construct or whether gender is biologically determined.  I think it is both.  The gender that each human chooses is likely predetermined by biology.  It isn’t as simple as what is between your legs when you are born or what your chromosomes show if you have them tested.  I’m not a biologist, but I’ve heard theories about androgen baths win utero, or not getting enough estrogen or whatever.  My guess is that is probably accurate.  Time and science with either prove or disprove that.  However, gender as we experience in our daily lives is indeed a social construct.  What is considered masculine and feminine is determined by society at large.  Whether I am within the bounds set up by society is what determines how I am socialized, stigmatized, stereotyped and sorted.  That is how we experience gender, and that is how we perform gender in relation to the world around us.  If what is going on between our ears is the same as what society tells us we should be doing then we are good.  Otherwise, we are deviant.

The future for each of us remains unwritten, I have many desires and dreams now that I have begun my journey down the path to full transition.  So many things have changed for me.  Physically, I had originally been prepared to keep the breasts, ovaries, vagina, etc.  Now I’m not so sure.  Those aspects of my physical body continue to feel incongruous to my mental awareness.  The finances still aren’t there to cover the physical transformation, if it is meant to be, it will happen.  Aside from that I have an educational path in front of me.  I want to work with kids and their families who don’t experience their gender or their sexuality in the traditional heteronormative binary.  Had that sort of resource been available when I was a child trying to figure out my life perhaps I wouldn’t have had to endure the years of pain, depression and anxiety that I went through.  But, again, you can’t change the past and I am who I am in part because of my past.  But, there is so much more.  I’m working with several friends to either piece together a book or a documentary about the trans experience and the beauty of trans bodies.  Maybe both.  I am going to work diligently on my blog site over the summer and turn it into more than just ‘my story’, but make it more of an way to come to understand gender, weave your way through the maze of transition (if desired) and just general commentary on being trans in a binary world.  I am going to become an activist.  I’m not certain how, I’m not certain when, but I know that is part of what is to come.  I’ve been silent for too long.  The words are forming.  I’m finding my voice.  And when I speak the world will hear.  They might not like what I have to say, they may misinterpret and misconstrue, but they will hear.

This is who I am, this is who I am becoming.  I am Aaron Christopher.

Black and White Cookie Cutter World, What if.....?

There are so many other things that I should be working on right now, but I've had a lot of 'stuff' building up over the past few weeks and no time to 'write it out' and its keeping me from sleeping.
I love it when all the classes I'm taking seem to be working together, feeding off one another. Right now my LGBTQ Perspectives class is talking about the isms and phobias, violence and law, and what can we do about it. Human Sexuality has been more focused on histories of relationships in the US and views toward sexuality and relationships, as well as differing sexualities in minority populations. Then I have Intro to Psych, and although the topics haven't been as similar, today's lecture really hit home for me. There is so much to write about. I still don't know how to tie all the ends together, but there is a bigger story that will do that, I just haven't seen it yet. I want to write about how our culture is about binaries in ALL things, how we don't like difference or change. I want to write about whether it actually does get better, or do we just get numb to it, whatever 'it' is? I want to write the story of "what if" in my life. One of my psych professor's statements today was "The purpose of college is to help you find your voice". What if I had found my voice in college the FIRST time? What if I had been following my heart and my desires for 20 years? How many people might I have been able to help? How many things might I have changed? Where would I be? What IF? And perhaps those ideas really can't be woven together into a seamless piece of writing, maybe they will have to be individual essays. That remains to be seen.
There are times when I feel like the Universe is one of those cell phone alarms that gets louder every time you hit snooze. I feel like I'm supposed to be getting some BIG point and every time I ignore it, or get the wrong point, the Universe just tries to communicate a little louder until I actually take a moment to listen, understand, and adapt.
So, I'm listening.
We, as humans, have built a society based on fear, hate, and division. We categorize and classify EVERYTHING, making it neat and tidy in the process. Each of us wants more than anything to be good, to be right, to be OK. But, we see 'flaws' in others because there are differences. In many cases people, groups of people, institutions, etc will point out those differences and remind us all that "those" aren't like us and therefore they must be bad, because WE are good. And two things can't be good at the same time! Difference = Wrong = BAD! And since none of us are identical therefore the possibility exists that ONE of us MIGHT be right (and therefore GOOD) but in the absence of knowing who that person is, we'll just assume it is self. Meaning, you feel your way is right, I feel my way is right, he thinks his way is right, and we all think that everyone else's way is totally WRONG. The labeling and dividing begin the day we are born with a gender marker. You are either M or F. And because of that label there is a code of conduct that you must adhere to or be considered wrong. Wrong must be eliminated. Do you see where this is going? It's how we set the basis for sexism, racism, classism, and all the other fanaticisms that exist. I'm part of this group. We are right. You are different therefore you must be wrong/bad. Eliminate BAD.
Since the male species is generally more physically strong they probably one the first argument against women about which was better, the M or the F. Since that time we've dealt with sexism. Women are stereotyped as weak, dumb, incapable, and as property to be owned and controlled. We watched a film in class the other day and a homophobic man, now in prison for killing Billy Jack Gaither stated 'He disrespected me, He started talking about Homosexual acts' When asked why that was disrespectful he stated 'because he is a man', Would it have been okay for a woman to say the same things to him? "I guess that would have been alright". So, there is part of the code. I'm a guy I like women = good. I'm a guy I like men = BAD. Eliminate BAD. But, what are the larger implications of his statements?
And it gets more complicated because there is not clear binary in ANYTHING. Everything in this world is a spectrum! Everything from Sex/Gender to Race/Color to Sexual Preference/Identity etc. And because we sort of recognize the spectrum we've now started to stack those traits. Lesbian is better than Gay Man. Bisexual is better than Lesbian. Straight Woman is better than Bisexual. Straight Man is better than all. That's just an example, not my opinion. So now we know all of the people we can hate. Anyone under us is an acceptable group to discriminated against. I don't want to even try to rank skin color, race, religious leanings, political party affiliation, etc. I can state with some degree of certainty that if polled the majority of Americans would say that the top of the ladder would be White heterosexual Christian Republican American Males, which scares me. I also find it a little amusing that every white person I know wants to have a tan that looks as good as someone born with browner skin, but then feels that they can discriminate against those that have darker skin. Is it jealousy?
We are nation that publicly berates others for their differences. Just watch a couple of "paid for by supporters of ...." ads. Most of them are mudslinging. What is mudslinging? Bullying for politics. When I was a HS kid I got called names, taunted for my red hair, braces, the space between my front teeth (before the braces), my complete inability to play sports (I swear I've gotten better at them), and my good grades. I'll be honest, I really don't remember much of it. The majority of the taunts I ignored and eventually they stopped. I was lucky. I was not your typical 'different' kind of teenager. I'm old enough now that I watch news reports about kids in HS and their bullying and its results. Our response is to tell them that "It Gets Better" Does it? I've think I have endured as much or more bullying, discrimination, etc in the 20 years since graduating college than I did in the 21 years I was school age and younger. Maybe its the fact that it isn't an every day sort of thing. I don't have to worry about walking down the hallway in my office building and being called a red-headed freak of nature. Instead, I get to be passed over for promotion to a job that quite literally was created for me and instead given to a white married family man with less education and experience. We still get to see news reports of adult LGBT people being tortured, raped, beaten, and/or Killed. We are still fighting for equality, to have it recognized that we deserve equal protection under the law. i.e. until we have that it technically could be considered OK to eliminate us, the different, the wrong, the bad. So, how can we tell the youth that it gets better? That sure doesn't look like a better world to me.
But, maybe I'm getting it wrong, sort of. It isn't going to just miraculously get better when you get older. And, if you lucky you aren't going to harden to things to the point that you feel nothing. Hopefully, what will happen is that you will change the world. Hopefully, what will happen is that I will change the world some before you get the chance. (and this is where the psych lecture comes in)We've spent years and years and years, since the dawn of man, just trying to survive. We came out of the wilderness to build cities, industries and technological advancements, but for many of us (myself included) we have lived our lives just trying to NOT end up back in the wilderness. We've been living to NOT Fail, which is not the same as living to Succeed. What if we changed the way we think. What if each of us made a conscious effort to live to succeed and be the absolute best that we can possibly be? (it is considered cheating and million point penalty for even considering getting ahead by knocking someone else down! and you are given a million point bonus if you help someone who has fallen to keep going.) What would society change into? What if we quit focusing on our differences and started seeing where we are the same? Would we be able to create a Utopian dream of a world without shame, violence, hatred, war? Sadly, not even I am that optimistic. I think we will always unfortunately try to find a way to separate ourselves from others.
The classic answer to all of this is EDUCATION, but it can't be just textbook learning in a vacuum, that doesn't work. You can't take the worst offender in the office and send him/her to a political correctness educational seminar and think that he/she will come back completely changed. It doesn't work that way. Most of us have it ingrained in our brains by the time we are 8 who we are like and who we aren't. A 5 hour seminar isn't going to change that! It takes brave men, women and children who are willing to exist outside the safety of their closets, risking life and limb, sanity, pride, everything really to just live. Risk it all to just be able to live as though you are part of the world. Those of us who are moderately different will obviously have an easier time of things, its up to us to help protect those a bit more extreme personalities. That may be the only way that we can prove that its our differences that make us amazing individuals and allow those who want only sameness to have the chance to get to know us. Its a little forceful, but this is just my opinion anyway.
I'm sure that some of you are reading this and thinking that I'm crazy and I'm talking about some bizarre combination of Socialism and Anarchy, but I'm not, not really. Its more a be and let be scenario. If what I'm doing isn't physically damaging you without your consent then there should be nothing you can say about it. If you don't want to see a Transman kissing his girlfriend, don't watch, but don't make me stop. There have been many times I've not wanted to see straight people kissing, but I haven't stopped them, so it seems only fair. And as far as laws and such go, I'd like to think we can be smart about them. Murder really doesn't seem like consensual violence and therefore should be punished severely, same with rape, and other violent crimes. But the punishment has to be different too. We can't sensationalize the story and give them fame. We can't write books about them, or make movies, we need to recondition them to respond differently to the stimulus. (Hows that for psych speak!) There needs to be a system of rewards for progress and change in a positive direction. What if....?
I am lucky. I live in one of the most admired nations on the planet, or at least one of the most feared. I have freedom, a modest amount of financial security, a college education, and a dream. But, every day I go to work and see the same people come in to feed their addictions, and leave. There is so little difference between one person and the next sometimes that it is difficult to tell them apart. And to be quite honest, that's the way they like it. Personally I would prefer a world where the people are hand molded and no two are alike, not even the houses we live in would be similar to our neighbor's house. No one is bad, and no one is better. We are all just different, wonderful and amazing in our own unique way. What if we could make it work that way?

Latest Updates

This has been a rough winter health-wise speaking. I've been through the 'stomach flu' three times now, although it may not have been stomach flu, it may have been a side-effect of having a bad kidney infection due to my kidney stones. I'm really sick of my rocks! The good news is that I finally have an appointment to see a Urologist at UVA on Friday morning. The funny story behind this, is that the Free Clinic tried to make me an appointment earlier an had failed. While I was at the doctor on Monday I needed to give a urine sample so I went to the lab with the nurse that does the appointment scheduling. She looks at me and says "I haven't wanted to call and tell you this, but I couldn't make you an appointment with a Urologist because they won't cover the condition." "what?!?!?" - me "They say it is an elective procedure." - nurse "Man, that sucks. What am I going to do now? I guess I'll just have to go home and start sharpening my scalpel blade and take care of this myself." - me "Did you really think that the free clinic would cover this for you?" - nurse "I didn't know, all I know is that I've been in pain because of this for 2 years and I need it fixed. Its affecting every aspect of my life." - me "I know and I'm so sorry, they just won't do it" - nurse I then go on to explain how I've tried everything, how my parents have helped with medical costs, how I got my gall bladder out and the pain continued, etc. Which is when she looks at me and says "What are you talking about?" "Kidney Stones." - me "That's why you need to see a urologist? That's not what was in the notes?" - nurse "Yeah, I need to see a urologist about kidney stones because there isn't one closer to hear that will work with the free clinic." - me "Well, that's different. I thought you needed to see a urologist about surgery for your transition!?" - nurse "No, I never thought that would be covered. I just want to get rid of kidney stones." - me "Well, they will certainly see you for that!" - nurse I had an appointment made within a half-hour! What silliness. So, today I went to the pharmacy to pick up my latest T prescription. The previous 2 times they sold me syringes pre-loaded with 1 ml of T, and that is what I was expecting today. The syringes were $10/per and the last time I got them a 10ml bottle was $60. Today, they originally tried to sell me 2- 1ml vials for a total of $30! Fortunately, they said that they could fill the prescription with a 10ml vial at $90 instead." WTF!?! Is there a T shortage? I know its more expensive at Walmart and actually every other place I've checked. Wish I knew how to get it cheaper since I really need money at the moment! Oh well, I'm hoping that I have enough to afford gas for the drive to C-ville and back on Friday! Hopefully Mom will give me a little extra, as the illnesses have reduced my earning substantially. I am also well behind on my homework, and I'm exhausted, didn't sleep well last night due to having taken a nap after having been exhausted after classes yesterday. I also need to do more writing in preparation for a couple of projects that I have. I don't know when I think I'm going to get it all done! More to come.

Weird things that happen while transitioning in small towns

I had one of those weird moments happen tonight at work. I was cashiering and it was fifteen minutes to close when two guys came in looking for some fix-a-flat. I was fairly certain that I recognized one of them from my High School days, but I wasn't sure. By the time he made it to the register to check out I was positive that I had known him and that we had been friends, in fact we had almost dated in HS. I think he sort of recognized me too. He called me ma'am (I hate that) when he walked up to the register. I didn't react in any way to it, just smiled and continued checking out his purchased items. We looked each other in the eyes a couple of times and I think he had a moment when he thought he knew me, but he looked at my name tag and said "I called you ma'am a few moments ago, I'm really sorry." To which I replied "I won't hold it against you, it happens all the time" to which he responded "I'd hold it against me, I'd be pissed if someone did that to me." Then he walked away. I'm not entirely sure how I felt about it. He was one of those guys in school that I actually did like. I've thought about him over the years and even looked for him on FB and such, but doubted if our paths would ever cross again. Tonight they crossed, but it was as if the 40 years that I lived before becoming Aaron never happened. I know this is going to happen at times, more so because I live in a small town, but I don't exactly like it. It is hard to pretend that I didn't exist, but it is just as difficult to 'come out' over and over again as people from my past cross my path again. Its like I have to make a choice between my history and my sanity. I should have to choose. My past is a part of who I am. I was unable to have a boyhood, but I did have a childhood and school years and college and well, 40 years of a life. How to I have both without having to constantly make myself a target? I also had two younger boys come in the store, they were late teens to early 20's, both were very handsome in that young man sort of way. I found myself envying them. How I would love to have experienced my late teens and early 20's in a male body. The muscles, facial hair, the cocky self-confidence. Although, I was an awkward, geeky girl, so why would I assume that it would have been different had I been a boy? I think I would have probably done okay in the muscles department, but I still would have been a major nerd. Oh well. Unfortunately, I'll never know what kind of a boy I would have been, I can only become the man I want to be.

new horoscope, I like it.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Eliphas Levi was a 19th-century author and hermetic magician whose work has had a major influence on Western mystery schools. The great secret of magic, he said, is fourfold: "to KNOW what has to be done, to WILL what is required, to DARE what must be attempted, and to KEEP SILENT with discernment." Your assignment, Libra, is to apply this approach to your love life. How can you create a relationship with love that will be a gift to the world and also make you smarter, kinder, and wilder? KNOW what magic you have to do. WILL yourself to do it. DARE to be ingenious and inspired. And don't tell anyone what you're doing until you achieve your goal.

Happy Belated New Year, FloCoIMo and other assorted things!

Yes, I know, I'm starting off another post with the sentence, It's been awhile, but.....
I can't believe that 2011 is now past tense. It doesn't seem possible that it could be a new year already. December was pretty difficult for me at times. A lot of it was school related, as I had lots of papers/projects/exams all due at the very end. I managed to pull out some decent grades, although not as good as I had hoped, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it will still be good enough to get me into grad school (keep your fingers crossed with me, okay?) But, there was some sadness in reliving memories from 2010, and finding it so difficult to believe that the joy and expectations I had for 2011 had all vanished from possibility as early as the end of January. It was like the hopes and dreams that I had had for Mara and I were a New Year's resolution that we gave up on after 3 weeks. Oh well, what's done is done, and can't be changed. I accept that, I'm moving on, but it does still mess with my head at times.
Otherwise, Christmas played its standard mind games with me, the dealing with family who really ONLY want to accept me as the "woman I was born to be", which is so inaccurate it is sometimes funny. But, it means facing the often times disappointing 'pretty' Christmas gifts with a smile on my face and a kind 'thank you' instead of expressing the internal "OMG, what were you thinking when you bought this? Do you even have a clue about who I am? You've known me for 41 years, what made you think I would like this?" Actually though, my mom did an acceptable job at purchasing me nearly gender appropriate clothing as gifts. Unfortunately, most of it was made to be warn when one is cold, and with the T, I really don't seem to get cold anymore! So, I may never wear them, but we'll see. Old Man Winter may get it cold enough for me to feel it at some point.
The holidays in general were rather uneventful. I spent most of my time working, trying to manage the pain from my kidney stones (yes, I now know that there are 2 of them, not just one), and attempting to stay a few steps ahead of the flu type ick that everyone else seemed to come down with. I am grateful that I only had a day or two that I felt 'fluish'.
So, now that January has begun, I should be doing something creative daily, as that was my goal for FloCoIMo (for those of you who don't know what that is, it is Floyd County Imagination Month, you can find out more about it at http://www.flocoimo.org ) But, I haven't done much of anything. Mostly because I have been busy with work, and partly because I still feel so much attachment to my ex through this. I messed with my head mightily to find that she had rewritten some of her poems from last year and effectively wrote me out of them. I guess I deserve it, or it is something she feels she needs to do. All I know is that it hurt a LOT more than I was expecting it to.
I'm also starting to wonder if perhaps my future might not lay far from Floyd. I work with some really great people, and I've met some awesome people via school and other associations, but I still feel like an outsider here. More and more I realize that there are people that I love and care about here that I can't be in contact with, or rather, I can contact them, they just won't answer. I effectively lost them in the divorce. And that saddens me, because I feel that it severely limits the possibilities that I have to grow, evolve and hopefully date while living here. Maybe I'm wrong and this feeling will pass. I'm not planning on leaving until I've managed to finish grad school, and since I have yet to be accepted, I that means at minimum 2 more years here. We'll see. As I once wrote for a status update "There are always more fish in the sea, but its far easier to catch them if you aren't fishing in a puddle" For what its worth, Floyd is a puddle when it comes to finding a transman accepting partner. And when OKCupid finds one possible match for you in a 50 mile radius, well, it makes you realize just how remote your chances are. I have met someone online though, she is really wonderful, but also very far away and our situations are complicated by more than just distance, but I won't go into that here.
Anyway..... speaking of grad school, I have an application to finish before classes start again. I also need to request transcripts from the 7 or so assorted schools that I have attended, and I desperately need to figure out who I'm going to use for references. That last part has me a bit worried. I'm hoping that I can think of 3 great people who can write great and glowing things about me. I really need someone in the field of Social Work that knows me and can speak to my abilities, I was going to use my sister-in-law, but I'm worried that there will be an issue with the fact that she is my sister-in-law. Opinions, recommendations and volunteers are requested for my referencing positions. Please note that I do need these to be professional references, so if you can say lovely and glowing things about me as a person and your friend, while I appreciate it, it isn't exactly what I need. But, send me an e-mail if you are interested and we'll discuss the possibility.
Classes start in just over a week. I can't wait! I'm taking some interesting classes and one of them is Weight Training, I'm hoping that will help me lose weight and also shape and tone my physique so that I can start passing more frequently as masculine. I'm still only passing at work maybe 50% of the time and that is a big maybe. I'm not certain what I am doing wrong, or if it is just that these people know me and therefore don't notice the changes (or refuse to see them). Although I think a haircut will help (I haven't had one since September!!!!!) And hopefully that will happen next week after I get my tuition money!
In other news, I'm going to start looking for another job. Odd as it seems, I do love what I do , where I work and the people I work with, but, I need more pay. I just don't make enough to make ends meet and that needs to stop ASAP. I'm so behind on my bills that I'm not sure what I'm going to do to get caught up. I'll get there eventually. So, anyone who would like to be a reference for me, again, let me know.
Lets see, not much else to discuss. Despite the lamenting the past that could not be my future, I'm actually rather upbeat and positive about things. I truly believe that I will get into grad school for the fall and that this semester will be my best ever at VT. I know a new job is just around the corner and life is going to get better. 2012 is full of possibilities and I'm going to take advantage of as many of them as are presented to me. Good things are coming my way!
Happy New Year to you all. I will keep you all posted on how things change, and I hopefully will get a picture taken AFTER the haircut (as right now it is driving me nuts and I can't stand the way it looks. Interestingly enough, its become curly! I think it is the T).