What it means, part II

A couple of months ago I wrote a post called What it Means This is a continuation of that post.

Its been a day of pondering things. Little things and big things. While fixing dinner I thought about the summer camp I used to attend, and how I'll probably never be welcome to volunteer there again (at least not as a cabin counselor or a leader). You see, its a Christian camp, and while the Church of the Brethern believe that you love the sinner, hate the sin when it comes to gays, they also believe that as long as I was born with a vagina I'll be a woman, but I don't think they'll accept a bearded woman who answers to Aaron sleeping with a cabin full of young girls. Nor would they let me sleep with a cabin of young boys. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe I'm thinking too much about it. I just know I miss the place where I spent the happiest times of my youth. Although to be honest, it doesn't really resemble the place I remember any more. It has been modernized far beyond my comprehension. I mean, kids have cell phones now, when I was a camper we couldn't even have radios! Oh well.

On my walk with Taffy I started thinking about things I have learned about myself over the past 4 months. It still amazes me that its been 4 months since I started T! What I've learned is that for the first time in my life I actually feel comfortable with myself. I feel like I'm experiencing the wonders of my body coming of age for the first time. Puberty didn't feel like anything when I hit that age as a girl. I just tried to fake my way through it. Maybe that is why I felt like I never really grew up in some ways. Now I feel like things in my life are starting to take shape and make sense. It feels really good to be alive.

I also thought about what I wrote earlier in "What it means". While I still like what I wrote, I think there are a few things that I need to restate in a slightly different way. I'm not changing to become a man because I don't want to be a girl, or because I think that there is anything in this world that a woman can't become. It only has to do with the fact that I have never been a woman inside, and I've spent my life being dishonest to everyone around me by trying to be what they wanted to see. Now maybe if society in general, or my family and some of my friends in particular, didn't have such gender based stereotypes I wouldn't feel like I had to be something other than myself, but the fact is, I did.
I have also felt that people have wondered who I'm doing this for. Are you doing this to get Mara back? No. I'm not doing this for anyone except myself. The fact is I was completely convinced that by transitioning I would lose everyone that had been part of my life. I was totally shocked to find that I'm supported and loved by as many people as I am. I'm doing this transition for myself, so that I can be honest with myself and accepting of who I am. Truth is, I still feel isolated from much of the world at large, I feel as if I'm hiding, maybe out of fear, maybe because in some ways I'm still not sure. I don't know. But what is cool is that I feel that my relationships with people that know and are accepting are much more honest, real, open, etc than any I've known before. Which is an amazing feeling! I don't have to live up to some unspoken expectation to be the woman I'm not. Now if only I didn't get reminded so frequently that I am "Ms. Ellen" or Ma'am, or Miss, or whatever. That will change with time, I hope! But, those are the joys of small town Southern living!

In other news, school is getting ready to start in 2 weeks. I'm still working out the kinks with financial aid, but hopefully it will work out so that I have something to live on and can pay some of my bills. I should get to meet with the director of grad admissions for the MSW program at Radford U next week (I haven't heard back about a particular time), but I'm super psyched about the opportunity to go impress someone and convince them that they can't live without me in their program (okay, so a bit optimistic on my part! But hey!)

Also, had a trip to the doctor in Fishersville yesterday. Apparently my transition is going well, however, my triglycerides are through the roof, which is likely to do more with my hot dog , doughnut and soda diet that I have had to survive on over the past 2 months or so. Hopefully I can get a better diet going with the financial aid money. Sadly, I found out that my doctor is leaving general practice, so I have to find someone new that will prescribe my Testosterone injections. Any suggestions?

Prior to finding that out I was lamenting about the lack of resources in general for transgender people in rural areas, particularly SW VA. I was having strong desires to pack up my stuff and move back to Seattle where life would be easier, where I wouldn't be so 'alone', where resources are plentiful, etc. But then it occurred to me, maybe this is why I'm back in Floyd! Maybe I need to work on making this a better, safer, more knowledgeable place for transgender people. I mean, there really isn't much in the line of resources for gay people, but it is a heck of a lot easier to find queer support than it is trans support ANYWHERE in the US, but particularly in rural areas. The fact that I have to drive 2.5 hours to see a doctor to get a hormone prescription is bad, but there are other people who have to travel much further. I know of one therapist in the area who see's trans patients. But, as I learned working for the census last summer, SW VA is a very vast area that is so spread out it is difficult to get resources to a lot of places. I find it disgraceful that the largest city in the area doesn't have 1 doctor that is willing to see FTM patients! Even with a college town less than an hour away, there is little support for the trans community. Maybe I will become an activist in the second half of my life. I still have to figure out how!

Lastly, I think I should say that my job is going really well. I work with an amazingly wonderful group of people and I'm so thankful that they are part of my life. Despite the fact that my inner monologue usually berates me for 'working in a gas station, what will the other people think? You thought you were above this, didn't you?' I really do enjoy the work. I'm getting used to the ever changing hours, the random waves of people that suddenly cause me to have stressfully long lines at my register, and the seemingly never ending lists of things to do.
Now, if I can just fix the random pain in my right side that I think is related to the marble sized kidney stone that has been around for at least 2 years, all will be good. Oh, and if I could happen to meet a couple more friends to hang out with and maybe a girlfriend, life would be spectacular!