In the coming months, it's likely you will experience more action than usual -- some of it quite expansive -- in your astrological eighth house. Traditional astrologers call this the sphere of sex, drugs, and rock and roll, but I refer to it as the realm of deep connection, altered states of awareness, and lyrical interludes that educate and enrich your emotional intelligence. Are you ready to have your habit mind rewired, your certainties reworked, and your pleasures reconfigured?
What are your plans for the rest of the year? Could you use some more help in mapping out your dreams and schemes? Maybe you can accomplish more than you think between now and January 2012. Tune in.
*
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See how far you can spit a mouthful of beer
Pick blackberries naked in the pouring rain
Scare yourself with how beautiful you are
Stage a slow-motion water balloon fight
Pretend your wounds are exotic tattoos
Sing anarchist lullabies to lesbian trees
Plunge butcher knives into accordions
Commit a crime that breaks no laws
Sip the tears of someone you love
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Decisions
Right now my life is just a series of potentially life altering decisions. I have two job opportunities, they would both pay the same, are both a relatively short commute and would be good. One is in a field I know and love, but would be less flexible for classes, the other has the potential to suck but would probably be more flexible. Which do I choose?
Then we have school. I could try to get accepted to USC's online program for a MSW to start this fall. Then it wouldn't matter as much that my hours are less flexible. But, I've already signed up for classes at VT and some of them really have my love and attention. There is no way I can do both (just don't have the money or the time).
I have a webinar to answer questions about USC later today, I should probably go and take my pee test for work, but I think I can push that until tomorrow and be fine. If the webinar answers my questions about how the courses are run, how they are graded, etc. I may try to get in for starting in October. It would make it so I would be finished earlier. Then I could try to get the other position that isn't a sure thing, but I know I would enjoy. If the webinar makes the whole online MSW thing seem like pure insanity, then I take the sure thing, go pee in a cup tomorrow and hope for the best.
In the mean time I have to find the energy to clean the kitchen before it is declared a hazardous waste zone and condemned. The rest of the house also needs an overhaul, but is less urgent.
It also seems that there may be a possibility that I can clear up the 'unofficial withdrawal' from VT without having to pay anything, or at least without having to pay as much. Keep your fingers crossed, I'll find out in July.
Now I just have to find money to eat and we'll be good.
Then we have school. I could try to get accepted to USC's online program for a MSW to start this fall. Then it wouldn't matter as much that my hours are less flexible. But, I've already signed up for classes at VT and some of them really have my love and attention. There is no way I can do both (just don't have the money or the time).
I have a webinar to answer questions about USC later today, I should probably go and take my pee test for work, but I think I can push that until tomorrow and be fine. If the webinar answers my questions about how the courses are run, how they are graded, etc. I may try to get in for starting in October. It would make it so I would be finished earlier. Then I could try to get the other position that isn't a sure thing, but I know I would enjoy. If the webinar makes the whole online MSW thing seem like pure insanity, then I take the sure thing, go pee in a cup tomorrow and hope for the best.
In the mean time I have to find the energy to clean the kitchen before it is declared a hazardous waste zone and condemned. The rest of the house also needs an overhaul, but is less urgent.
It also seems that there may be a possibility that I can clear up the 'unofficial withdrawal' from VT without having to pay anything, or at least without having to pay as much. Keep your fingers crossed, I'll find out in July.
Now I just have to find money to eat and we'll be good.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
I DID IT!!!!
I bit the bullet, gave in and shaved my face for the first time in my adult male life! Lips are difficult, both under and over them. cut myself twice, I'll heal, but it will hurt for a little bit.
On a more stupid note. I found a really awesome piece of spoken word poetry called "The Femme Piece" by Ivan E. Coyote. It reminded me of Mara in both content and quality. So I e-mailed a link. It will probably just make her more angry at me, but, I did it anyway. Maybe it will be worth the risk.
On a more stupid note. I found a really awesome piece of spoken word poetry called "The Femme Piece" by Ivan E. Coyote. It reminded me of Mara in both content and quality. So I e-mailed a link. It will probably just make her more angry at me, but, I did it anyway. Maybe it will be worth the risk.
forgot to mention yesterday
shot 6 is in! Officially 2.5 months on T.
So many many things are changing.
I think I may understand why I'm so hesitant to shave and this knowledge scares me. Shaving will mean accepting that I am truly becoming more male. Right at this very moment I am the most comfortable in my body that I have ever been. What happens if I become more male and I'm not as happy as I am right now? Don't get me wrong, I'm loving the fact that I can sometimes feel the hair on my upper lip when I move my mouth just right. But right now its blonde and mostly invisible unless the light hits it just right. Its like my little secret. Maybe I'm not willing to share that just yet. I don't know. I always wanted a beard. When I was little and dad would stop shaving for a couple of days I would often run to him for a hug yelling "beard me daddy beard me", which meant rub your scruffy stubble all over my face. I have no idea why I liked that, but I did. Yet, I can't stand it when I get the occasionally prickly stiff hair that grows out of a scar on my face. It MUST be plucked out immediately. Not because it ever got long enough for anyone to see, but because it itched or tickled or otherwise annoyed me somehow. Is a beard going to do that only in a mega sort of way? I don't know, it just feels like craziness. How can this be me?
At some point I'm going to have to break down, give in and just do this. But, I'm literally paralyzed with fear about picking up the razor. I just can't do it. Yes, I'm a freak, but I am what I am.
So many many things are changing.
I think I may understand why I'm so hesitant to shave and this knowledge scares me. Shaving will mean accepting that I am truly becoming more male. Right at this very moment I am the most comfortable in my body that I have ever been. What happens if I become more male and I'm not as happy as I am right now? Don't get me wrong, I'm loving the fact that I can sometimes feel the hair on my upper lip when I move my mouth just right. But right now its blonde and mostly invisible unless the light hits it just right. Its like my little secret. Maybe I'm not willing to share that just yet. I don't know. I always wanted a beard. When I was little and dad would stop shaving for a couple of days I would often run to him for a hug yelling "beard me daddy beard me", which meant rub your scruffy stubble all over my face. I have no idea why I liked that, but I did. Yet, I can't stand it when I get the occasionally prickly stiff hair that grows out of a scar on my face. It MUST be plucked out immediately. Not because it ever got long enough for anyone to see, but because it itched or tickled or otherwise annoyed me somehow. Is a beard going to do that only in a mega sort of way? I don't know, it just feels like craziness. How can this be me?
At some point I'm going to have to break down, give in and just do this. But, I'm literally paralyzed with fear about picking up the razor. I just can't do it. Yes, I'm a freak, but I am what I am.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Planning for the Future
Well, I've played around with my schedule for classes and I'm now listed as taking 15 hours of classes, i.e a very full load. I may still make some changes before the semester begins. This includes Russian language, psychology, Russian History (which I may make P/F or Audit), and a Women's and Gender Studies class.
I also have downloaded all the forms to apply to Grad School at RU in Social Work. I'm also contemplating apply to UW, but it looks really competitive, and also to USC's online program. I don't plan on actually starting my grad degree until Fall 2012. Applications aren't accepted at RU until November 1, but I might as well get started before classes start.
So, wish me luck, and if you have any feedback on MSW programs or schools, I'd love to hear it.
I also have downloaded all the forms to apply to Grad School at RU in Social Work. I'm also contemplating apply to UW, but it looks really competitive, and also to USC's online program. I don't plan on actually starting my grad degree until Fall 2012. Applications aren't accepted at RU until November 1, but I might as well get started before classes start.
So, wish me luck, and if you have any feedback on MSW programs or schools, I'd love to hear it.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Irrational Fears and horoscope
Why am I afraid to start shaving? Why?
Libra Horoscope for week of June 23, 2011
"Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on," wrote author Samuel Butler. Ain't that the truth! You may be practicing as diligently as you can, gradually trying to master your complex instrument, but in the meantime your lack of expertise is plainly visible to anyone who's paying close attention. Luckily, not too many people pay really close attention, which gives you a significant amount of slack. Now and then, too, you have growth spurts -- phases when your skills suddenly leap to a higher octave. The coming weeks should be one of these times for you, Libra.
Libra Horoscope for week of June 23, 2011
"Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on," wrote author Samuel Butler. Ain't that the truth! You may be practicing as diligently as you can, gradually trying to master your complex instrument, but in the meantime your lack of expertise is plainly visible to anyone who's paying close attention. Luckily, not too many people pay really close attention, which gives you a significant amount of slack. Now and then, too, you have growth spurts -- phases when your skills suddenly leap to a higher octave. The coming weeks should be one of these times for you, Libra.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Its all about growth and change and new understandings
I've been hinting for a while now that I've had a lot of stuff running through my head that I would be writing about soon. Well, the time has come.
As if you couldn't have guessed, my life has been in a state of serious flux this entire year. The road has been rocky at some points, remarkably smooth at others, and a confusing mess of interchanges from time to time. The big ol' depression that rocked my world this winter seems to be holding itself at bay, but has had ripple effects throughout my life. It was the catalyst for transitioning, because I finally understood that unless my body changed my mind was going to keep going through depression after depression until I got the message. What I didn't realize were the other aspects of my life that might also be called into question as a result. Everything from school to work to love to sex, all aspects of me are going through Q & A sessions to find out what really fits. And I'm coming up with conclusions and answers that I never imagined would sit comfortably with me. I was born and raised in a small rural community that is predominantly Baptist or Brethern, meaning rather conservative. Because of this there are always certain things about 'the wild side' that scared the crap out of me. Nakedness, drugs, pornography, and even sex. There were things in this world that I just didn't want to know anything about. I couldn't imagine being naked with a group of people, maybe that comes from having been chewed out for an hour when I was like 8 for skinny dipping with a co-ed group of people, maybe it had to do with the fact that I was so body conscious that I didn't want anyone to see my body. Lets face it, I got dressed and undressed in my sleeping bag at summer camp, I avoided public showers, and I just really didn't want anyone to see me naked. Suddenly, the thought of being naked in public doesn't bother me, even though my body really hasn't changed.
I was also rather dogmatic about drugs. No drugs, not now, not ever. Didn't want to date anyone who did drugs. Had a strict drug free policy with people I was dating. Now, I'm not so sure. Given the right time and place and the security of people of I trust, I might consider it. Not that I'm thinking of hitting the crack pipe or doing anything extremely scary, but pot, ecstacy, might not be so bad to try just once or twice.
And then there is porn. Okay, it never did anything for me, so I couldn't imagine watching it. However, now that I have the sex drive of a 13 yo, I find it 'stimulating' (he says tongue in cheek). I prefer less stupid porn, and I don't know if that variety actually exists. Something with a real plot, good dialog, AND erotic images would be very nice. I don't think that actually exists, so if anyone has recommendations, feel free to send them my way!
And then there is sex. I always imagined sex was a one on one thing and that was all that was necessary. That is changing too. I'm starting to actually figure out masturbation (go ahead and laugh, but I never masturbated as a teen or an adult, even during the 5 year dry spell on sex! I never knew how and it never worked for me) So, I'm learning. I'm missing having a partner, because I enjoy giving pleasure as much as I currently want it! But, one of the things I would never have considered growing up was having sex with more than one person at a time, or being in a multi-person relationship. Now, I'd consider it, just to see if it works for me. My hunch is that it won't, but I'm still curious.
But the physical/sexual changes aren't the only changes. I'm starting to get in touch with some indicators on what I think I should be doing with my life. I'm investigating counseling, social work or psychology as a career. Which means more school, but I'm cool with that. I don't know if a Masters will do, or if I'll need to get a PhD. I see myself working with LGBT youth and adults who are struggling to come to terms with their identity. The other thought that has been very prominent is that I need to work with the Russian LGBT movement. There are enough people in the US to fight for the rights of LGBT individuals. In Russia there aren't that many and they are afraid (not all, but I don't blame the ones that are). I've never in my life thought of becoming an activist on any issue. I'm generally content on maintaining the status quo, and making small changes in my own life that I hope will affect others positively. So, what is going on in my head that suddenly wants to make me jump on a plane to Moscow and try to save Gay Pride and start a trans movement? Where is this coming from?
It would be so easy to just blame it all on the T, but there is more to it than that. I think my relationship with Mara really opened up my mind in a lot of ways. I just couldn't see it when we were together. She unlocked the doors to the 'scary parts' of me, and then the T just shook them open. Its a good thing, its just kind of rocking my world at the moment.
I know that if I end of going to Russia to "save the world" then it is probably a good indicator that my relationship with Mara is never going to re-happen. Its probably not going to re-happen again anyway. That does leave me rather worried that there will never be someone else that can love me for who I am, body, mind and soul. But a quote I recently heard on a tv show said "People don't fall in love with genitalia, they fall in love with people" (or something to that effect). I just need to get out there and find some people. I'm lonely. I have a huge back yard, a grill and four chairs to sit in outside. I have a big screen tv, and a lot of movies to watch. I have board games and card games and a desire to play them with people who interest me. I even like to cook sometimes, but not often. I'm looking for conversation, and flirting and fun. So, if you know anyone, send them my way.
I think that is about it for now. I have a lot of stuff I need to do, like find a new job, fill out some papers to keep from having to re-pay my student loans before school starts again, try to get more unemployment, in case I can't find a job, that sort of thing. I'm searching personals on Zoosk (not much there for SW VA) and also in Russia (the whole of Russia), but I haven't got the money to invest in online dating subscriptions. Still have to figure out how I'm going to pay for an upcoming Dr visit (in August), and blood work in July. DONATIONS ARE APPRECIATED!!
As if you couldn't have guessed, my life has been in a state of serious flux this entire year. The road has been rocky at some points, remarkably smooth at others, and a confusing mess of interchanges from time to time. The big ol' depression that rocked my world this winter seems to be holding itself at bay, but has had ripple effects throughout my life. It was the catalyst for transitioning, because I finally understood that unless my body changed my mind was going to keep going through depression after depression until I got the message. What I didn't realize were the other aspects of my life that might also be called into question as a result. Everything from school to work to love to sex, all aspects of me are going through Q & A sessions to find out what really fits. And I'm coming up with conclusions and answers that I never imagined would sit comfortably with me. I was born and raised in a small rural community that is predominantly Baptist or Brethern, meaning rather conservative. Because of this there are always certain things about 'the wild side' that scared the crap out of me. Nakedness, drugs, pornography, and even sex. There were things in this world that I just didn't want to know anything about. I couldn't imagine being naked with a group of people, maybe that comes from having been chewed out for an hour when I was like 8 for skinny dipping with a co-ed group of people, maybe it had to do with the fact that I was so body conscious that I didn't want anyone to see my body. Lets face it, I got dressed and undressed in my sleeping bag at summer camp, I avoided public showers, and I just really didn't want anyone to see me naked. Suddenly, the thought of being naked in public doesn't bother me, even though my body really hasn't changed.
I was also rather dogmatic about drugs. No drugs, not now, not ever. Didn't want to date anyone who did drugs. Had a strict drug free policy with people I was dating. Now, I'm not so sure. Given the right time and place and the security of people of I trust, I might consider it. Not that I'm thinking of hitting the crack pipe or doing anything extremely scary, but pot, ecstacy, might not be so bad to try just once or twice.
And then there is porn. Okay, it never did anything for me, so I couldn't imagine watching it. However, now that I have the sex drive of a 13 yo, I find it 'stimulating' (he says tongue in cheek). I prefer less stupid porn, and I don't know if that variety actually exists. Something with a real plot, good dialog, AND erotic images would be very nice. I don't think that actually exists, so if anyone has recommendations, feel free to send them my way!
And then there is sex. I always imagined sex was a one on one thing and that was all that was necessary. That is changing too. I'm starting to actually figure out masturbation (go ahead and laugh, but I never masturbated as a teen or an adult, even during the 5 year dry spell on sex! I never knew how and it never worked for me) So, I'm learning. I'm missing having a partner, because I enjoy giving pleasure as much as I currently want it! But, one of the things I would never have considered growing up was having sex with more than one person at a time, or being in a multi-person relationship. Now, I'd consider it, just to see if it works for me. My hunch is that it won't, but I'm still curious.
But the physical/sexual changes aren't the only changes. I'm starting to get in touch with some indicators on what I think I should be doing with my life. I'm investigating counseling, social work or psychology as a career. Which means more school, but I'm cool with that. I don't know if a Masters will do, or if I'll need to get a PhD. I see myself working with LGBT youth and adults who are struggling to come to terms with their identity. The other thought that has been very prominent is that I need to work with the Russian LGBT movement. There are enough people in the US to fight for the rights of LGBT individuals. In Russia there aren't that many and they are afraid (not all, but I don't blame the ones that are). I've never in my life thought of becoming an activist on any issue. I'm generally content on maintaining the status quo, and making small changes in my own life that I hope will affect others positively. So, what is going on in my head that suddenly wants to make me jump on a plane to Moscow and try to save Gay Pride and start a trans movement? Where is this coming from?
It would be so easy to just blame it all on the T, but there is more to it than that. I think my relationship with Mara really opened up my mind in a lot of ways. I just couldn't see it when we were together. She unlocked the doors to the 'scary parts' of me, and then the T just shook them open. Its a good thing, its just kind of rocking my world at the moment.
I know that if I end of going to Russia to "save the world" then it is probably a good indicator that my relationship with Mara is never going to re-happen. Its probably not going to re-happen again anyway. That does leave me rather worried that there will never be someone else that can love me for who I am, body, mind and soul. But a quote I recently heard on a tv show said "People don't fall in love with genitalia, they fall in love with people" (or something to that effect). I just need to get out there and find some people. I'm lonely. I have a huge back yard, a grill and four chairs to sit in outside. I have a big screen tv, and a lot of movies to watch. I have board games and card games and a desire to play them with people who interest me. I even like to cook sometimes, but not often. I'm looking for conversation, and flirting and fun. So, if you know anyone, send them my way.
I think that is about it for now. I have a lot of stuff I need to do, like find a new job, fill out some papers to keep from having to re-pay my student loans before school starts again, try to get more unemployment, in case I can't find a job, that sort of thing. I'm searching personals on Zoosk (not much there for SW VA) and also in Russia (the whole of Russia), but I haven't got the money to invest in online dating subscriptions. Still have to figure out how I'm going to pay for an upcoming Dr visit (in August), and blood work in July. DONATIONS ARE APPRECIATED!!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
lots of thoughts
running through my head. Need to get them in order before I start writing. The past week has been a time of gaining great clarity about some things and finding that my points of view and my acceptance level has shifted. I'll try to explain some of that in my next post.
Its all good. :)
Its all good. :)
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Rob Brezsny's Libra Horoscope for week of June 16, 2011
I'm brave in some ways, cowardly in others. I've gone parasailing, performed on big stages in front of thousands of people, assisted in the birth of two children, and explored the abyss of my own unconscious. On the other hand, I'm scared of confined spaces, can't bring myself to shoot a gun, and am a sissy when it comes time to be around people who are dying. I imagine that you, too, have areas of courage and timidity, Libra. And I suspect that in the coming weeks you will be called to a challenge in both areas. See if you can transfer some of the nervy power you're able to summon in one sphere to bolster you in the place where you're a wimp.
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In an article about storytellers in the Los Angeles Times, Leslie Berger profiled a high school teacher named Luigi Jannuzzi. "He once saved the life of a student who was choking on a Life Saver," Berger wrote, "and thus discovered his own gift of gab: He told the kid a joke so funny that his laughter popped the candy out of his throat."
Make up a story in which your sense of humor saves someone's life.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Thinking things through in front of the world
One of my friends recently posted, or perhaps I just read somewhere that due to FB, Myspace, etc we are losing the concept of what privacy really means. I know that I have regularly been told that I should watch what I post on FB because you never know who might be reading it. The thing is, I don't care who is reading it because I usually don't believe anyone is reading what I post. Occasionally I will get a like or a comment, but not all that often. And when it comes to what I blog here, I'm fairly certain that almost no one reads it. But, I'm okay with that. This is where I think. I throw my words out here for the world to see and give me feedback if they so desire. I put my experiences out here so that perhaps others can learn from my life, or see me in a different light than they once did. That's why I post. That's why I write. That's why I wish I had more people in my life that I talk to on a regular basis (then I wouldn't share so much, or maybe I would, I don't know)
Anyway....I'm at one of those pivotal life interchanges where there are so many roads branching off and it feels like I need to make a million decisions (or at least one decision) immediately or I'm just going to end up on the same path forever. I know it isn't true, but that is how it feels at times. Right now, I'm having mom issues. She loves me and she is worried about me and I respect that, I also feel like she is a little too close in my life right now. I want space to figure things out and I don't know how to ask for it without hurting her feelings. So, I'm thinking about whether or not I want to stay in Floyd. I honestly don't have the means to make ANY sort of move right now, but part of me is feeling the urge to head back to the Pacific Northwest. It felt as much like home there as it ever has here. Don't misunderstand, I love living here in Floyd, and I think there are reasons why I'm here, but I don't think I'll end up staying. Part of me wonders if I'm not staying because I know if I leave there might never be another chance for Mara and I. Maybe I have to leave for there to be a chance. Who knows? So, that's one of the intersections Where to live?
The next would be What to do? I know I need to find a job of some sort pretty darn soon. But, I'm hesitant to take the job down the hill only to possibly find something else in a few weeks that I really want to do and then leave family in the lurch because I'm going to take care of me. That seems wrong. But, I need a pay check, so I don't know.
Part two of that is trying to figure out what I want to do for the LONG TERM. What do I want to be when I grow up? Right now, I'm seriously wrestling between being a Vet Tech, which I know I love, but has little prospect for a bright financial future, and a serious ceiling on how high I can climb and going into counseling (meaning me as the counselor, I'm already in counseling as the patient!) Becoming a counselor has been on my list of career possibilities for 20 years. I just never really knew how to go about getting started, and the one time I tried life got in the way. But, what if neither is the right path for me? What if I go to school for another 3 years, end up $50K in debt with student loans and still can only find a job making $8/hr? What then?
Then I wonder if I'm going to be doing all of this alone forever? I mean, its a valid fear. I don't know how to go about telling someone that I'm interested in that I'm trans, although I told Mara during our first lunch together, the fact was that I wasn't transitioning. Now, I am. At some point I'll stop looking like a woman, how am I going to attract a beautiful lesbian into my arms if I look like a man? (yes, I thought of this before I started transitioning, and no, it didn't stop me!) Being that I can't even find a lesbian to date here in Floyd maybe the possibility of moving back West makes more sense if I don't want to be alone. Although, damn it, I still believe in possibilities.
Then of course, we hit the intersection of How am I going to do any of these things? And that is really where I get stuck, because I don't know. A friend told me last night that I'll never get anywhere without a solid goal that I can visualize. I don't know that I have a goal, or perhaps I have too many goals and I can't pick just one. I don't know where the money is going to come from. I don't know where the time will come from for classes depending on the job that I have (I'm assuming that I WILL have a job by September!)
Mostly, right now, I'm thinking about the where. I miss the beauty of Seattle. I miss the people of Seattle. I miss the possibilities of Seattle. I was reminded today that when I left Seattle that I stated it was because "I didn't feel like I belonged there" Maybe I don't belong anywhere. Maybe I needed to be here in order to learn something about myself that will allow me to belong somewhere, with someone, doing something that I love. I'm just going to keep believing that until I get a clearer picture of my goal. Right now, I can see the sun setting over the Olympic mountains across the Puget Sound. I'm on the viaduct heading North, the windows in the car are down and I can smell the fish air rising up from below. The city is quiet for a city, and twinkling in the sunlight reflections on the mirrored windows of the sky scrapers. In the rear view mirror I can see Mt. Rainier glowing in pink radiance as the clouds float by and the moon rises to the East. The air is cool and refreshing, and all I can think of is "I live in the most beautiful place on Earth, how lucky I am to be here."
Anyway....I'm at one of those pivotal life interchanges where there are so many roads branching off and it feels like I need to make a million decisions (or at least one decision) immediately or I'm just going to end up on the same path forever. I know it isn't true, but that is how it feels at times. Right now, I'm having mom issues. She loves me and she is worried about me and I respect that, I also feel like she is a little too close in my life right now. I want space to figure things out and I don't know how to ask for it without hurting her feelings. So, I'm thinking about whether or not I want to stay in Floyd. I honestly don't have the means to make ANY sort of move right now, but part of me is feeling the urge to head back to the Pacific Northwest. It felt as much like home there as it ever has here. Don't misunderstand, I love living here in Floyd, and I think there are reasons why I'm here, but I don't think I'll end up staying. Part of me wonders if I'm not staying because I know if I leave there might never be another chance for Mara and I. Maybe I have to leave for there to be a chance. Who knows? So, that's one of the intersections Where to live?
The next would be What to do? I know I need to find a job of some sort pretty darn soon. But, I'm hesitant to take the job down the hill only to possibly find something else in a few weeks that I really want to do and then leave family in the lurch because I'm going to take care of me. That seems wrong. But, I need a pay check, so I don't know.
Part two of that is trying to figure out what I want to do for the LONG TERM. What do I want to be when I grow up? Right now, I'm seriously wrestling between being a Vet Tech, which I know I love, but has little prospect for a bright financial future, and a serious ceiling on how high I can climb and going into counseling (meaning me as the counselor, I'm already in counseling as the patient!) Becoming a counselor has been on my list of career possibilities for 20 years. I just never really knew how to go about getting started, and the one time I tried life got in the way. But, what if neither is the right path for me? What if I go to school for another 3 years, end up $50K in debt with student loans and still can only find a job making $8/hr? What then?
Then I wonder if I'm going to be doing all of this alone forever? I mean, its a valid fear. I don't know how to go about telling someone that I'm interested in that I'm trans, although I told Mara during our first lunch together, the fact was that I wasn't transitioning. Now, I am. At some point I'll stop looking like a woman, how am I going to attract a beautiful lesbian into my arms if I look like a man? (yes, I thought of this before I started transitioning, and no, it didn't stop me!) Being that I can't even find a lesbian to date here in Floyd maybe the possibility of moving back West makes more sense if I don't want to be alone. Although, damn it, I still believe in possibilities.
Then of course, we hit the intersection of How am I going to do any of these things? And that is really where I get stuck, because I don't know. A friend told me last night that I'll never get anywhere without a solid goal that I can visualize. I don't know that I have a goal, or perhaps I have too many goals and I can't pick just one. I don't know where the money is going to come from. I don't know where the time will come from for classes depending on the job that I have (I'm assuming that I WILL have a job by September!)
Mostly, right now, I'm thinking about the where. I miss the beauty of Seattle. I miss the people of Seattle. I miss the possibilities of Seattle. I was reminded today that when I left Seattle that I stated it was because "I didn't feel like I belonged there" Maybe I don't belong anywhere. Maybe I needed to be here in order to learn something about myself that will allow me to belong somewhere, with someone, doing something that I love. I'm just going to keep believing that until I get a clearer picture of my goal. Right now, I can see the sun setting over the Olympic mountains across the Puget Sound. I'm on the viaduct heading North, the windows in the car are down and I can smell the fish air rising up from below. The city is quiet for a city, and twinkling in the sunlight reflections on the mirrored windows of the sky scrapers. In the rear view mirror I can see Mt. Rainier glowing in pink radiance as the clouds float by and the moon rises to the East. The air is cool and refreshing, and all I can think of is "I live in the most beautiful place on Earth, how lucky I am to be here."
Special Request!
I applied for a really AWESOME sounding position (well, not that awesome, but definitely a foot in the door doing something that I may want to do forever) this morning. So, say a prayer, keep your fingers crossed, burn a candle, or whatever you believe in to send some good luck and happy vibes my way for this thing. I'd greatly appreciate it!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
ch ch ch changes!
After two days (more if I'm honest) of agonizing decision making, I've decided to quit the job at the big box home improvement store. I was not meant to work outside in the summer heat in SW VA. Lets face it, it was a bad idea on my part. I thought I could handle it, I was wrong. Now I just have to figure out what is next and make it happen. Not at all certain how I'm going to manage that financially, but we'll see.
In other news, I had shot #5 of T on Friday. I think I may have mentioned that already. It hurt, but oh well. My voice has deepened a lot since I started, which is cool. The doctor wasn't all that optimistic that it would drop so low since I'm older (i.e. not in my 20's any more). I also think that my hips and thighs are getting smaller, but I can't say that for certain. I'll have to try on some once tight pants to find out. The acne on my chest is clearing up, or seems to be any way. Hopefully it will stay gone. I have a fair amount of blonde hair on my upper lip, and the beginnings of a soul patch. Seeing one or two whiskers on the chin too (I think). Admittedly, I'm a little nervous about shaving. This seems a bit weird to me since I practiced shaving my face a lot when I was a little kid. I was always using dad's razor (blade-less) and lots of shaving cream, but that was then, this is now. Also, I do have to embarrassingly admit that my sex drive has started to soar. I thought I missed having a girlfriend before, well, I miss having one worse now. But, I'm learning to cope (blush).
I, sadly, am also still really really tired. But I think that may be more a factor of heat exhaustion from work, than from the hormones. Who knows?
Anyway....I'll be thinking about what else I can share and posting more soon.
In other news, I had shot #5 of T on Friday. I think I may have mentioned that already. It hurt, but oh well. My voice has deepened a lot since I started, which is cool. The doctor wasn't all that optimistic that it would drop so low since I'm older (i.e. not in my 20's any more). I also think that my hips and thighs are getting smaller, but I can't say that for certain. I'll have to try on some once tight pants to find out. The acne on my chest is clearing up, or seems to be any way. Hopefully it will stay gone. I have a fair amount of blonde hair on my upper lip, and the beginnings of a soul patch. Seeing one or two whiskers on the chin too (I think). Admittedly, I'm a little nervous about shaving. This seems a bit weird to me since I practiced shaving my face a lot when I was a little kid. I was always using dad's razor (blade-less) and lots of shaving cream, but that was then, this is now. Also, I do have to embarrassingly admit that my sex drive has started to soar. I thought I missed having a girlfriend before, well, I miss having one worse now. But, I'm learning to cope (blush).
I, sadly, am also still really really tired. But I think that may be more a factor of heat exhaustion from work, than from the hormones. Who knows?
Anyway....I'll be thinking about what else I can share and posting more soon.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Just a few little things
The new job has been keeping me really busy, bored and more than a little sick. I actually called in today because I just didn't think it was a good idea for me to go in. My digestive system really doesn't respond well to high temperatures. I'll leave it at that, use your imagination if you need to.
Aside from that, I'm working on finding a new improved job with less direct sunlight and more air conditioning. I'll keep you posted.
Shot #5 went in yesterday. It was pretty painful, still don't know why. Doing better now.
Beyond that, not much going on. I'll update more soon. Try to do some writing (maybe later today depending on how I'm feeling). Its time for some soul searching.
Aside from that, I'm working on finding a new improved job with less direct sunlight and more air conditioning. I'll keep you posted.
Shot #5 went in yesterday. It was pretty painful, still don't know why. Doing better now.
Beyond that, not much going on. I'll update more soon. Try to do some writing (maybe later today depending on how I'm feeling). Its time for some soul searching.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Therapy Card for 6/6/11
Today I will ask God to help me let go of my need to be afraid. I welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety into my life. I will make a point of listening to my healthy, rational fears, and will relinquish all others.
Libra Horoscope for week of June 9, 2011
According to research published in The Journal of Personality, many college students prefer ego strokes to sex. Given the choice between making love with a desirable partner and receiving a nice big compliment, a majority opted for the latter. In the near future, Libra, it's important that you not act like one of these self-esteem-starved wimps. You need the emotional and physical catharsis that can come from erotic union and other sources of pleasurable intensity far more than you need to have your pride propped up.
I invite you to keep a running list of all the ways life delights you and helps you and energizes you. Describe everyday miracles you take for granted . . . the uncanny powers you possess . . . the small joys that occur so routinely you forget how much they mean to you . . . the steady flow of benefits bestowed on you by people you know and don't know. What works for you? What makes you feel at home in the world?
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
In the film Fight Club, the character played by Brad Pitt storms into a convenience store with a gun, then herds the clerk out back and threatens to execute him. While the poor man quivers in terror, Pitt asks him questions about himself, extracting the confession that he'd once wanted to be a veterinarian but dropped out of school. After a few minutes, Pitt frees the clerk without harming him, but says that unless he takes steps to return to veterinary school in the next six weeks, he will hunt him down and kill him.
In my opinion, that's an overly extreme way to motivate someone to do what's good for him. I wish I could come up with a less shocking approach to coax you into resuming the quest for your deferred dreams. Can you think of anything?
I invite you to keep a running list of all the ways life delights you and helps you and energizes you. Describe everyday miracles you take for granted . . . the uncanny powers you possess . . . the small joys that occur so routinely you forget how much they mean to you . . . the steady flow of benefits bestowed on you by people you know and don't know. What works for you? What makes you feel at home in the world?
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
In the film Fight Club, the character played by Brad Pitt storms into a convenience store with a gun, then herds the clerk out back and threatens to execute him. While the poor man quivers in terror, Pitt asks him questions about himself, extracting the confession that he'd once wanted to be a veterinarian but dropped out of school. After a few minutes, Pitt frees the clerk without harming him, but says that unless he takes steps to return to veterinary school in the next six weeks, he will hunt him down and kill him.
In my opinion, that's an overly extreme way to motivate someone to do what's good for him. I wish I could come up with a less shocking approach to coax you into resuming the quest for your deferred dreams. Can you think of anything?
Saturday, June 4, 2011
bits and pieces
Having received zero comments on my last post I'm assuming that means no one cares if my posts are a bit racy, so be warned they will be coming.
Secondly, I don't like my new job. If anyone knows of anything else that I can do that pays just a little above minimum wage (or preferably much more than minimum wage), Please let me know how to apply.
Thirdly, I think I can safely say that I have achieved hair growth. My upper lip definitely has the beginnings of a nice blonde mustache, and I also have the start of a soul patch under the lower lip (cool, except I was never fond of them). And I definitely have more hair in my armpits than ever before (of course since for 40 years I only had about 3 hairs each pit, anything is more) and I think my leg hair is getting heavier.
Fourth, voice can't make up its mind.
Fifth, my period seems to be thinking about it again! DAMN
And I think that is all for the moment. I'll try to write something longer and more profound later today or tomorrow, since these are the last days I'll have off for the next 7. YUCK!
Secondly, I don't like my new job. If anyone knows of anything else that I can do that pays just a little above minimum wage (or preferably much more than minimum wage), Please let me know how to apply.
Thirdly, I think I can safely say that I have achieved hair growth. My upper lip definitely has the beginnings of a nice blonde mustache, and I also have the start of a soul patch under the lower lip (cool, except I was never fond of them). And I definitely have more hair in my armpits than ever before (of course since for 40 years I only had about 3 hairs each pit, anything is more) and I think my leg hair is getting heavier.
Fourth, voice can't make up its mind.
Fifth, my period seems to be thinking about it again! DAMN
And I think that is all for the moment. I'll try to write something longer and more profound later today or tomorrow, since these are the last days I'll have off for the next 7. YUCK!
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