shot 6 is in! Officially 2.5 months on T.
So many many things are changing.
I think I may understand why I'm so hesitant to shave and this knowledge scares me. Shaving will mean accepting that I am truly becoming more male. Right at this very moment I am the most comfortable in my body that I have ever been. What happens if I become more male and I'm not as happy as I am right now? Don't get me wrong, I'm loving the fact that I can sometimes feel the hair on my upper lip when I move my mouth just right. But right now its blonde and mostly invisible unless the light hits it just right. Its like my little secret. Maybe I'm not willing to share that just yet. I don't know. I always wanted a beard. When I was little and dad would stop shaving for a couple of days I would often run to him for a hug yelling "beard me daddy beard me", which meant rub your scruffy stubble all over my face. I have no idea why I liked that, but I did. Yet, I can't stand it when I get the occasionally prickly stiff hair that grows out of a scar on my face. It MUST be plucked out immediately. Not because it ever got long enough for anyone to see, but because it itched or tickled or otherwise annoyed me somehow. Is a beard going to do that only in a mega sort of way? I don't know, it just feels like craziness. How can this be me?
At some point I'm going to have to break down, give in and just do this. But, I'm literally paralyzed with fear about picking up the razor. I just can't do it. Yes, I'm a freak, but I am what I am.
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