Step 2, or "Am I getting a beer gut?"

This morning was my second injection of T. I swear it seems like forever since the first injection! I was considering changing my dose to half and doing every week as I wanted to see if it would minimize the side-effects, and also make it seem like less time between shots (obviously). Decided not to mess with it and see what happens. The shot was slightly more painful this time, I think I must have touched a nerve. It wasn't bad, just a slight burning sensation and a little bit of an achy feeling. Seems to have passed now. I've also only had a slight amount of the nasty taste in my mouth, so I'm either getting used to it or I'm not having the same reaction, which would be great either way!
I also noticed that I seem to have a bit more 'belly fat' than I thought I had the other day. I was told that my fat would migrate to the more 'male appropriate' places, but I wasn't sure how that would happen or how long it would take. I swear I'm imagining things! But, perhaps I am getting a bit of the 'beer gut', which means more cardio and more gym time! I definitely need to go to the gym ASAP anyway. I haven't been once this month. I also need to start being more aware of what I'm eating, less fat, less carbs (especially empty carbs) and more protein. Not saying I'm going all Adkins or anything, I just need to be more aware. I did buy a dumbbell yesterday, so that I can at least work on my arms when I'm home. I want the saggy old-lady triceps to be things of the past! I also want to lose about 30 more pounds, but we'll see how that goes.
In other news, the weather is much colder today and the wind is still whistling outside, which makes me not want to plant more roses. (I'm still hoping that they'll grow a little more inside before I take them out. I'd like for them to prove they are no longer dormant and have some root growth before they have to take on the hard packed soil of my front lawn). AND, my phone is still not working, so if anyone needs to contact me, you'll have to call my cell.
Well, time for the mundane tasks of laundry and dishes. UGH. Hope everyone has a great day.

Gentleness

Earlier today I read an article on gentleness. It had originally been posted by Mara and then shared with thank by another friend. It was an excellent article, and I admit that I read it because I knew that Mara had posted it. In some way it felt almost like communication. But, as I read it I found myself wondering if she had taken it to heart when she read it. I thought of the ways that she has treated me over the past few months and found very little gentleness in her actions. While there has been great strength and much courage in the the things she has done in the protection of herself and of Kyla, and while I respect and admire that about her, I miss the gentleness that I know she is capable of. Perhaps my actions don't deserve a gentle hand, or a kindness. There was a passage from the article that touched me deeply.

"Gentleness lives at the crossroads of softness and strength. It’s wise without being overbearing and kind without being patronizing. While kindness and compassion often have something to say, gentleness is usually given and received in an understanding silence."

I know that gentleness is a term that I have always felt I would ascribe to myself. Looking over my actions of the last 5 months, I wouldn't be so sure anyone else would. I was dealing with a lot of things that I could neither understand or control. That isn't an excuse, it is just a fact. I said and did things that I can never take back or change. I hurt people in ways I never intended. I lost friendships and relationships that were more important to me than I could ever explain in words. These people that I have hurt would not call me gentle. I'm not even certain that they would allow me to be called kind or compassionate. But, the person that the world had to deal with for most of those months was not a true and honest representation of me. It was a 'shadow side' comprised of all the hurt, loss, anger, confusion, and denial that I have felt and kept hidden for 40 years. As I am now facing and accepting the parts of me that have been ignored for so long, the hurt, anger, loss, etc is vanishing. The person that I truly am is becoming real. As a friend of mine said "carved from stone". I am finding myself, recreating the parts that I don't particularly care for, reimagining the things that I am capable of, allowing myself to feel the kindness, gentleness, compassion, and stregth, wisdom and courage of others, and of myself.

It is my deepest desire that those I have lost on my journey will one day allow me the opportunity to show them who I have become, who I am becoming, with all the grace, and joy that I possess. It is my hope that when the real me is present then the past can be forgiven, and the future can be realized. It is my dream that those who speak of gentleness will find it in themselves as well as in me, and that the gentleness will open hearts, and locked doors and make a way for reconcilliation. I believe that this will happen, I just don't know when.

For all of you that read this, may you find the gentleness that exists within you. May you embrace it and share it. It is an exstention of love, kindness, compassion, self-awareness, and joy. Share it so that it may return to you with all the grace you deserve. Gentleness is one of those gifts that must be both given and received in order to be fully appreciated and allowed to grow.

And me after 1 dose of T

I thought you might like to see a picture of Aaron Christopher, step 1.

The bow tie is in honor of the season premier of Doctor Who, because as he says "Bow ties are cool now". My friend Heath and I went to see the Fantasticks tonight at VT. It was an awesome show. Now it is time for bed. I promised mom that I would make it Church in the morning, and Easter lunch afterward.

Happy Easter everyone!

Some days are harder than others

I had thought that last night was difficult. I didn't sleep well, all I could think about were relationships gone wrong and trying to repair them. So I didn't feel like doing anything today, basically sat on my butt all day and watched Twin Peaks. Then mom called at 4:30. Please understand that I do love my mother and I know that dealing with my transition isn't easy for her. But it is really difficult for me when she calls and says "are you still going through that thing you talked about?"
"Yes mom"
"I wish I hadn't asked."
"I'm sorry mom"
"When are you going to start?"
"I already have"
"I love you, but this breaks my heart. God gave me a daughter"
"I'm sorry mom"
There was more to it than that, but you get the gist of things. I hate that I am hurting her so, but I have to do what is right for me, even when I start to lose sight of my certainty of that. And I do lose my certainty when Mom tells me that I'm breaking her heart.
I am sorry Mom. I really am.

Well, hopefully I won't spend the entire night writing speeches in my head to explain my actions and ask for forgiveness from Mara and Kyla again tonight. I probably will though, I've been re-writing them all day, but they all say the same thing. I hope that one day I get to deliver them in person and that they actually make a difference. I hope that one day I have my family of choice back in my life. I miss them terribly. I miss the friends that I have lost, as they were my family too. I really do want to fix the things I did wrong or at least try to make things right with these people again. I know that may not be possible, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to try.
Mara, Kyla, Katy, Anna, Noren, Emily, Leigh and Kat, I'm sorry. I miss you.

Its been a few days

Sorry that I haven't posted anything recently. A lot has been going on, but not much has been changing. I haven't noticed may effects of the T yet, although to me it sounds as if my voice has gotten deeper, but I think I'm just imagining it.
I did find out the my Cousin Jake is also transitioning. (Jake is his new name) And it looks as if he is going to move down to Floyd at least for the summer, and we are going to do this together. Its really cool. I haven't seen him in over twenty years and to finally catch up and find out that we are both trans and both in the process of pursuing transition is too much of a coincidence to ignore.
In other news, tonight was one of those I really miss the life I lost when I got depressed sort of nights. I can't change it. Wish I could. I still miss the people that I lost because of all the things I did as part of my falling apart. It isn't that I don't take responsibility for my actions during December to March, but I wasn't myself and I wasn't in control of some of the things I did. They made sense in the insanity in my brain, but I hurt people very very very very much. I wish I could go back and change it. I wish I could make amends, but so far my apologies haven't been accepted. It will just take time and distance. I know that I'm not that person when I'm mentally healthy, but I know that I will have to prove that to the people that I hurt and let down. I just hope that one day I have the chance to show them. :)

Transformation begins today

Happy Trans Birthday to me!
After much drama I finally went to the pharmacy to pick up my Testosterone. I say there was drama because when I arrived the woman getting out of the car next to me was my Aunt Betty. Now, although I'm willing to be 'out', I didn't necessarily want to explain my transition while picking up my Testosterone at the local pharmacy. So, I did the cowardly thing, and hid until she was safely inside. Then went for a short drive. When I returned, she was gone and I was able to purchase my T without incident. Nice low price. My only issue is that the syringes only have one needle on them, so I can't change needles before injecting myself. Oh well.
So I get home and I'm very excited to do my first injection. However..... I discovered that there wasn't a drop of alcohol in the house! Makes it a little difficult to sterilize things. However, I did have an alcohol containing wipe and betadine. so I wiped the top of the vial with the wipe and then used the wipe with betadine to clean my thigh. The injection went smooth as silk. Didn't hurt at all. Missed all the blood vessels. No bleeding. No big deal!
So, shopping list now includes as sharps container, alcohol and cotton balls or alcohol prep pads and needles, if I can find them. (I'm going to swing by the feed store and see if they have any 23ga needles, I'd even take a 22ga)
So, tonight I'm going out to dinner with the VT LGBT Caucus, I'm hoping to get my hair cut before I go. Should be a fun evening, and I can stop by Walmart on the way home to get the needed supplies for future injections. I know I don't need them for another 2 weeks, but I might as well get them while I'm thinking about it. Otherwise the day will come and I'll still not have them!
Welcome to the world Aaron Christopher!

UNSNAGGED

Couldn't find an online pharmacy that would ship to VA, so I called the local pharmacy. Found their price to be cheaper than online. So, tomorrow I get to call the Dr back and have them fax the prescriptions for T and for syringes down to the local guys.
The only drawback is that I know that being a small town, everyone will know I'm transitioning soon. Oh well, its all good. I'm just happy that I can get started.
Three Cheers!!!!!!

And I Hit a Snag

Apparently the pharmacy that I had been recommended by other Transmen will not ship to VA for some strange reason. Trying to find out information from another online pharmacy, but they haven't called back yet. UGH!!!!

No fun.

The BIG DAY!!! REALLY!

Well, the weather was decidedly against me this morning. Woke up early to a thunder storm and dropping temperatures, cloudy skies, and fog. Oh well. Will and I went for SPUDNUTS, which are the BEST doughnuts on the planet. The Blueberry one's were fresh out of the fryer and to die for! It was awesome. Normally, I have Will bring me Spudnuts when he comes to visit. After having them fresh I don't think it will be worth it to me. Which is good for the waistline, but I will miss the yumminess factor.
Anyway.... Taffy and I left Will's place around 11:30. I wanted to go to Costco before going to the Doctor. It was good that we left early, because by the time we were heading back to the doctor there had been an accident on N I-81 and traffic was backed up for like 10 miles. Glad I missed it.
I got to the drs office about a 1/2 hour early. Left the car windows slightly cracked so Taffy wouldn't over heat. Of course by the time I got into an exam room there was a torrential downpour going on outside, so I had wet seats to drive home on. UGH. Anyway... the doctor was very nice. All of my blood work and such was normal and so after 1/2 hour I left with my prescription for Testosterone. Well, actually he supposedly sent it in to the pharmacy.
When I got home, I called the pharmacy so I could pay for it and have it mailed to me. At that point in time it hadn't arrived with them yet. Since it was after the close of the doctors office, I couldn't call them. I'll do that tomorrow morning, then make sure my T is on its way! Which means.... soon, I'll be on my way!
I really will be becoming Aaron Christopher!

The End and the Trip

Well, I heard back from the ex, and she is definitely still angry with me and wants nothing to do with me. That nearly broke my heart, but I am still (despite my better judgement) retaining the right to be hopeful and believe that there still will be a chance, its just going to be very far down the road. Maybe I'm crazy, I don't deny that I am at least a bit. But, I do love her, I do miss her, and well, I'm still hopeful.
In other news, I'm visiting my brother and his Finacee this weekend. I have my appointment with the hormone doctor on Tuesday afternoon, and figured since the doctor's office is close to my brother's house, I'd just spend some time with them. It's been a good weekend so far, the weather got warm today and I enjoyed being out and about (read wandering aimlessly through Lowe's with my brother). Looked for some new clothing at Marshall's (why is there no Marshall's in Montgomery county?) Tried to find good Korean food, but the only Korean place was closed (Sunday). Then I wanted Bubble Tea, but that was closed as well. Had good Mexican instead. The salsa was damn good, very spicy, without being killer. If only the food had been as good as the salsa, it wasn't bad, it just didn't live up to the salsa standards!
Anyway... not much else to report.

making changes, moving on

During the past 4 months I have dealt with yet another Major Depression in my life. The side-effects cost me my girlfriend, and several other friends that I had considered important to me. Its been difficult and I've had a really hard time letting go and moving on. I truly believe that this most recent girlfriend was my last chance at a lifetime partner. So, letting her go has not been something that I have wanted to do. I've held on for the last two months, trying to convince myself that at any moment she would call, stop by, write, etc and tell me where things stood between us and then we could move forward, maybe trying to be friends first. Today I finally realized that she had told me where I stood 2 months ago when she told me good-bye. Of the friends that I have lost, only one gave me any hope of reconciliation. So, tonight I wrote to my ex and told her I was letting go, I still love her and I hate admitting that perhaps the chemistry that we once felt really is dead. But, just holding on to a pipe dream is eating me alive. The other friend that gave me some hope I also wrote to tonight and apologized for all the hurt I had caused her. It may not do any good, but I said what I wanted to say.
A good friend of mine did point out to me that perhaps I was ending the relationship as Ellen, maybe there will be hope for a relationship with Aaron. I'm not going to cling to that too tightly, but I do like the prospect.
Good night all.

And then the shoe stays in the air?

Mom and Dad came over today with my truck load of mulch. Based on my conversation with Mom last night I had expected that we would be having a sit down conversation, but there was no conversation. The subject was never brought up and nothing was said one way or another. It was simply all about the mulch.
In other news, I picked up a copy of the medical report from my last physical, including blood work results to take with me to the Doctor next Tuesday.
That's all for now.

And the Shoe Drops!

Just talked to mom. As expected after the passage of a few days she decides to tell me exactly how she feels about my transition. As expected, she doesn't support it, she is very unhappy about it, she wants me to wait until after my brother gets marries so as not to steal any of his glory, etc. She finishes off the conversation, with I didn't want to bring you down tonight, I was going to talk to you about this tomorrow.
Oh well, at least they still love me! I'm just going to have to hear about it how wrong it is and what awful things I'm doing now. UGH.

I have not been disowned

I just got off the phone with my Mom. The conversation started like all of our normal conversations, a little talk about the weather, what she and Dad did today, etc. Then she says "I read the letter you left for us".
Then she says "you are my child and I love you and you have to make your own decisions. Just think long and hard about this one."
I informed her that I've been thinking about this for 12 years. And she just said "OK, that's all I'm going to say".
I'm shocked and amazed and ever so thankful. I apparently get to keep my house. They are still going to bring me a load of mulch on Wednesday. And I guess Mom is still going to help me with last years medical bills! WOW! I do have amazing parents.
Countdown to the Dr - 10 DAYS!

I lost my nerve

Well, I went to visit my parents for dinner this evening, letter in my back pocket, and full of the desire to tell them everything. But, then we had dinner, and then there was a Red Sox game, and they lost, and then..... I just couldn't bring myself to tell them. I didn't know how to get their attention, and I didn't think trying to read the letter to them with Deliverance playing in the background was a great idea. I knew it had to be done, so I wrote a note that said "I'm sorry, I lost my nerve to read this to you" and left it on the kitchen table where mom will likely find it in the morning (if not before).
I really wish that I hadn't done things this way. This takes away ALL of my power in the situation. Now I just get to wait for the shoe to drop, for the phone call to come, for the disappointment to appear. I can sit here and imagine it all, and at some point tomorrow it will all explode. I'll have to be on the defensive from the moment the phone rings. I can't just answer it with a happy hello, and not expect that the next comments are going to be from my mom in tears. I wish I hadn't done things this way, but there is no changing it now. Just another in my 3 month long string of bad relationship moves.
I'm sorry Mom and Dad. I'm sorry I told you this way. I had to tell you, and I've left you a way to find out, but it isn't over yet and I'm still hiding behind a mask for you. I love you both, I hope you know that. But, this is what I have to do. I'm sorry.

The Big Day?!

After outing myself on FB yesterday by promoting this blog I was informed by a friend that I need to tell my parents now, before someone else tells them for me. Much to my dismay, she's right. I'm terrified of doing this. I can only imagine the worst reactions and well, obviously, if they are the worst then they really aren't pleasant. I'm afraid that not only will I lose my parents in the process, but I will also lose my home, and my back-up financial support for things like unexpected medical bills, property taxes, etc. Admittedly, I'm 40 years old, and I should be able to handle those things on my own, but with the economy the way it is, I've been an unemployed student for the past 2 semesters and even before my job didn't pay enough to cover all my bills. So I'm worried.
Another friend reminded me via fb that today is April Fools Day and I need to make certain when I tell my parents that they don't think this is some elaborate hoax that I'm trying to sell them just to yell "April Fool's" at the end. I'm not even certain that starting with "This is not a joke" is going to make it easier to believe.
Add to this the fact that this is just a physically a BAD day for me (i.e. the one day out of the month when it is absolutely impossible to deny that I was born female) and I just feel exhausted and you have me searching for ways to get out of this. I can't get out of this. I set up a scenario yesterday that I can't escape from. This is the 'drop dead date' for telling my parents. Now I just have to do it. Wish me luck, I'll report in later.