"You Must Be a Photograph not a Poem."

It's been a while since I've posted anything. I'm sorry about that. I shouldn't start a post with an apology, but there it is. I'd like to tell you that I've been so busy that I simply haven't had the time to write. The truth is, I haven't had the energy. I don't know if it is the T, or the heat, or me, but I'm so tired these days I barely have enough energy to get up for work. Oddly enough, I'm usually fine while I'm at work, but I come home and just crash. Maybe I need more caffeine, but that doesn't really seem to help. I'll give you the quick run down of the updates in life and then I'll actually write something from the heart.
Work is going well. For a person that doesn't smoke, or drink beer, or chew tobacco, a gas/convenience store can be a really tricky place. People ask for Camel Lites and I have no clue which pack they are talking about. The box doesn't say any more! But, I'm learning, slowly, but surely. Now if people could only remember to say that they want shorts or 100's, I'd be really good, but they almost never do. And what the hell is up with 99's and 72's (or is it 27's) Very confusing. Of course, I am also baffled as to why when you have a cooler stocked with 10 columns of Dr. Pepper 1 column can be almost totally empty, 2 columns are missing 2-3 and the rest are untouched. And the 1 column changes, so it isn't necessarily due to its location in the cooler. And this happens with all the beverages we sell. I think there is a psychology experiment in there somewhere!
Financially, I'm starting to get stuff worked out. I won't go into detail, but I think (hope and pray) that financial aid is in the last phases of being resolved and school should work out well for the Fall. I've decided to drop a couple of classes and stick with 9 credit hours. Should leave me plenty of time for work and give me a little extra financial aid for living expenses. Keep your fingers crossed. I need to seriously start working on my application to RU for next Fall. I'm worried, but optimistic.
Transitioning, nothing overly significant has changed. I'd love to tell you that my voice is stabilizing, but I'd be lying. I swear that two days ago I was back to my old voice, and then yesterday I was lower but with an odd electronic overtone to it (I swear I sound like a computer generated voice some days), Today it sounds vaguely normal as compared to the majority of days over the past month of so. I did come out to one of the girls I work with, she was fine with my transition and I love that. The folks I work with are really great and I feel like family there. And interestingly enough, during the last week I've gotten called sir about as many times as I've gotten called Ma'am, and that's even with a name tag that says Ellen, and a desperate need of a haircut (hopefully I can manage one of those either after the next paycheck or after financial aid gets figured out!) I might also be growing in facial hair a little faster, I shaved last Saturday, and I'm feeling a little bit of stubble today. (Yes, I know it has been almost a week, what can you do!?!) The hair is also still bright blonde, so it might as well be invisible.
Oh! Last weekend we had a reunion with all the people on my Dad's side of the family. I was rather nervous that there would be a lot of questions, and I would either be bombarded with attention, or completely ignored. Turns out that no one asked anything, and I was treated very much as I always have been. It was a good reunion as far as I was concerned. (It was also good to have a better variety of food to eat than doughnuts and hot dogs from work!)

That's it for updates. I've been reading again before bed, which is really good for me. I finally decided to open the cover on Jeanette Winterson's Written on the Body after it showed up as a recommended book for me to read on Amazon.com. It was one of the books that Mara gave me for Christmas, and the one book that I had wanted her to read to me. So, I was having a difficult time accepting that if I was ever going to read this book I was going to have to pick it up and turn the pages myself. I'll be honest, I found so much of my own story and my story with Mara between the covers of that book. I've been tempted to send it back to her with a note saying "you should read this, I think parts of it are about us". But, I won't. I won't tell you how it ends, or even much of the story line. All I can say is that as I was reading the night before last I found one single line that sums up my relationship with Mara.
"Now that I have lost you I cannot allow you to develop, you must be a photograph not a poem."
For me, Mara has become a photograph on my bedside table, when we were together she was a poem, a living breathing poem read to me nightly before we turned off the lights. She was poetry to me, new lines written daily as choices were made. Now the poem is silence, and all that is left is an image that I still can't get out of my head.

Libra Horoscope for week of July 21, 2011

"The I Ching counsels that if we are associating with others who are not our true peers," says astrologer Caroline Casey, "our real allies cannot find us." Please apply this test to yourself, Libra. If, after taking inventory, you find that your circle is largely composed of cohorts and comrades who match your levels of vitality and intelligence, that will be excellent news; it will signal an opportunity to begin working on an upgraded version of your social life that will increase your access to synergy and symbiosis even further. But if your survey reveals that you're hanging out too much with people whose energy doesn't match yours, it will be time for a metamorphosis.

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Like all of us, you have desires for things that you don't really need and aren't good for you. But you shouldn't disparage yourself for having them, nor should you conclude that every desire is tainted.

Rather, think of your misguided longings as the bumbling, amateur expressions of a faculty that will one day be far more expert. They're how you practice as you work toward the goal of becoming a master of desire. It may take a while, but eventually you will get the hang of wanting things that are really good for you, and good for everyone else, too.

Libra Horoscope for week of July 14, 2011

"He got a big ego, such a huge ego," sings Beyonce in her song "Ego." "It's too big, it's too wide / It's too strong, it won't fit / It's too much, it's too tough / He talk like this 'cause he can back it up." I would love to be able to address that same message to you in the coming days, Libra. I'm serious. I'd love to admire and marvel at your big, strong ego. This is one of those rare times when the cosmic powers-that-be are giving you clearance to display your beautiful, glorious self in its full radiance. Extra bragging is most definitely allowed, especially if it's done with humor and wit. A bit of preening, mugging, and swaggering is permissible as well.

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Alice finds her way to Wonderland by falling down a rabbit hole. Dorothy rides to Oz on a tornado. In C. S. Lewis's >i>The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, Lucy stumbles into the magical land of Narnia via a portal in the back of a large clothes cabinet.

In the sequels to all these adventures, however, the heroines must find different ways to access their exotic dreamlands. Alice slips through a mirror next time. Dorothy uses a Magic Belt. Lucy leaps into a painting of a schooner that becomes real.

Take heed of these precedents. The next time a threshold opens into an alternative reality you've enjoyed in the past, it may not resemble the doorways you've used before.

Libra Horoscope for week of July 7, 2011

"One must choose in life between boredom and suffering," proclaimed author Madame de Staël (1766-1817). I beg to differ with her, however. As evidence, I present the course of your life during the next few weeks. After analyzing the astrological omens, I expect you will consistently steer a middle course between boredom and suffering, being able to enjoy some interesting departures from the routine that don't hurt a bit. There may even be pain-free excursions into high adventure mixed in, along with a fascinating riddle that taxes your imagination in rather pleasurable ways.

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Writing on Salon.com, Scott Rosenberg recalled how in his youth he loved to play the fantasy role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons. "You'd have to choose not one but two 'alignments' for your character," he mused. "Good and evil, of course, but also 'law' and 'chaos.' And among the people I ran with, 'chaotic/good' was the thing to be, because it let you trust other people and still have fun."

Try out the "chaotic/good" approach for the character you play in your actual life.

Change and the absence of Change

I think my voice is finding its comfortable spot somewhere in the Baritone range, although it frequently pops up into squeaky tenor and sometimes alto range. It's funny.
I had thought that my periods had quit, but perhaps not. I'm not happy.
Started a new job on Saturday, it may eventually pay the bills, but its going to take awhile. I'm kind of enjoying it, although there is a lot to learn. Wish me luck. Also have resume's out for some other positions, so keep your fingers crossed.