Settle

I've been thinking a lot about that word recently, settle. I've been told my whole life that I should settle. Settle for a career that pays that I don't enjoy. Settle for a partner who is kind and wonderful but I'm not in love with. Settle for living someplace I despise because I can afford it. I think that Settling has to be just about the worst thing a person can do. To me, it means accepting what is regardless of how you really feel about it. Take something less than you deserve because the Universe won't give you anything better. Accept something that doesn't make you happy. I think that rots.
When I moved back to my hometown my Mom said to me. You have a good home here, a place where you can settle down, get your life settled. That was, quite possibly, the worst thing she could have ever said to me. Why should I ever settle down? Why should I settle for a life that I don't want to live? Mom says she just wants me to be happy, but for me Happy does not equal Settled. Happy equals freedom to choose, freedom to roam, freedom to explore, create, imagine, change. Settled is the opposite of that, there is not freedom in being settled. Settled is like prison.
Don't misunderstand, I am fairly certain that what my mom meant was for me to find someone to share my life with, find a job that I enjoy, and just exist without all the daily 'drama' that seems to have come my way over the years. I admit, I would really like less drama in my life (more theater, less drama!), but I'm not certain that my life will ever be settled. I have too many dreams, too many desires, too many places that I want to visit, too much that I want to learn and share with others. I can't do all that sitting in one place doing one job for the rest of my life. I would like to find a partner to share the journey with though. That I would settle for. I know that no matter how much I want that, right now, I'm not ready for it. There is too much about me that is too fragile to enter into a relationship with someone. I'd fall back on bad habits that haven't served me well and expect things to be different. I would cease to change because there are so many more things to concentrate on than me when I'm in a relationship. So, in some ways I guess that part of me has to get settled before I can be ready to share my life with someone else, particularly someone who is equally unsettled (which, would have to be the case otherwise I would constantly be wanting change and my partner would be wanting settled and that wouldn't work).
Maybe some day I will want to settle down, and just enjoy the days. Maybe that will come when the transition is complete (or further along) and finally things in my life seem to naturally settle. I can hope, because I would like the house on the hill overlooking my parents pond (that will one day be my pond I hope), the horses and the multiple dogs (PBGV's and Borzoi's with a Bichon or two for good measure), the animal rescue, the other things I dream of. One day it will come, til then, I won't settle for what I have because it isn't what I want.