I've been hinting for a while now that I've had a lot of stuff running through my head that I would be writing about soon. Well, the time has come.
As if you couldn't have guessed, my life has been in a state of serious flux this entire year. The road has been rocky at some points, remarkably smooth at others, and a confusing mess of interchanges from time to time. The big ol' depression that rocked my world this winter seems to be holding itself at bay, but has had ripple effects throughout my life. It was the catalyst for transitioning, because I finally understood that unless my body changed my mind was going to keep going through depression after depression until I got the message. What I didn't realize were the other aspects of my life that might also be called into question as a result. Everything from school to work to love to sex, all aspects of me are going through Q & A sessions to find out what really fits. And I'm coming up with conclusions and answers that I never imagined would sit comfortably with me. I was born and raised in a small rural community that is predominantly Baptist or Brethern, meaning rather conservative. Because of this there are always certain things about 'the wild side' that scared the crap out of me. Nakedness, drugs, pornography, and even sex. There were things in this world that I just didn't want to know anything about. I couldn't imagine being naked with a group of people, maybe that comes from having been chewed out for an hour when I was like 8 for skinny dipping with a co-ed group of people, maybe it had to do with the fact that I was so body conscious that I didn't want anyone to see my body. Lets face it, I got dressed and undressed in my sleeping bag at summer camp, I avoided public showers, and I just really didn't want anyone to see me naked. Suddenly, the thought of being naked in public doesn't bother me, even though my body really hasn't changed.
I was also rather dogmatic about drugs. No drugs, not now, not ever. Didn't want to date anyone who did drugs. Had a strict drug free policy with people I was dating. Now, I'm not so sure. Given the right time and place and the security of people of I trust, I might consider it. Not that I'm thinking of hitting the crack pipe or doing anything extremely scary, but pot, ecstacy, might not be so bad to try just once or twice.
And then there is porn. Okay, it never did anything for me, so I couldn't imagine watching it. However, now that I have the sex drive of a 13 yo, I find it 'stimulating' (he says tongue in cheek). I prefer less stupid porn, and I don't know if that variety actually exists. Something with a real plot, good dialog, AND erotic images would be very nice. I don't think that actually exists, so if anyone has recommendations, feel free to send them my way!
And then there is sex. I always imagined sex was a one on one thing and that was all that was necessary. That is changing too. I'm starting to actually figure out masturbation (go ahead and laugh, but I never masturbated as a teen or an adult, even during the 5 year dry spell on sex! I never knew how and it never worked for me) So, I'm learning. I'm missing having a partner, because I enjoy giving pleasure as much as I currently want it! But, one of the things I would never have considered growing up was having sex with more than one person at a time, or being in a multi-person relationship. Now, I'd consider it, just to see if it works for me. My hunch is that it won't, but I'm still curious.
But the physical/sexual changes aren't the only changes. I'm starting to get in touch with some indicators on what I think I should be doing with my life. I'm investigating counseling, social work or psychology as a career. Which means more school, but I'm cool with that. I don't know if a Masters will do, or if I'll need to get a PhD. I see myself working with LGBT youth and adults who are struggling to come to terms with their identity. The other thought that has been very prominent is that I need to work with the Russian LGBT movement. There are enough people in the US to fight for the rights of LGBT individuals. In Russia there aren't that many and they are afraid (not all, but I don't blame the ones that are). I've never in my life thought of becoming an activist on any issue. I'm generally content on maintaining the status quo, and making small changes in my own life that I hope will affect others positively. So, what is going on in my head that suddenly wants to make me jump on a plane to Moscow and try to save Gay Pride and start a trans movement? Where is this coming from?
It would be so easy to just blame it all on the T, but there is more to it than that. I think my relationship with Mara really opened up my mind in a lot of ways. I just couldn't see it when we were together. She unlocked the doors to the 'scary parts' of me, and then the T just shook them open. Its a good thing, its just kind of rocking my world at the moment.
I know that if I end of going to Russia to "save the world" then it is probably a good indicator that my relationship with Mara is never going to re-happen. Its probably not going to re-happen again anyway. That does leave me rather worried that there will never be someone else that can love me for who I am, body, mind and soul. But a quote I recently heard on a tv show said "People don't fall in love with genitalia, they fall in love with people" (or something to that effect). I just need to get out there and find some people. I'm lonely. I have a huge back yard, a grill and four chairs to sit in outside. I have a big screen tv, and a lot of movies to watch. I have board games and card games and a desire to play them with people who interest me. I even like to cook sometimes, but not often. I'm looking for conversation, and flirting and fun. So, if you know anyone, send them my way.
I think that is about it for now. I have a lot of stuff I need to do, like find a new job, fill out some papers to keep from having to re-pay my student loans before school starts again, try to get more unemployment, in case I can't find a job, that sort of thing. I'm searching personals on Zoosk (not much there for SW VA) and also in Russia (the whole of Russia), but I haven't got the money to invest in online dating subscriptions. Still have to figure out how I'm going to pay for an upcoming Dr visit (in August), and blood work in July. DONATIONS ARE APPRECIATED!!
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