The semester finally ended on 5/8. I managed to finish up with an A-, B+ and B-, which was pretty good as far as I was concerned.
On 5/16 I had the stones in my Right Kidney blasted into passable sand. That was no fun, but I'm doing much better now.
Also on 5/16 things changed on my MYRadford University page (or whatever it is really called), which led me to believe that perhaps I might have gotten accepted for graduate admission for the fall, but there was no way to know for certain until I returned home and checked my mail. The mail check on Sunday 5/20 confirmed that I have indeed been accepted. I'm shocked, amazed, excited, frightened, and anything but ready. I still have to figure out financial aid, hopefully it will pay for classes and then some. It would be great if it would pay enough that I wouldn't have to work as well. If it is less than what I need then I will have to drop down to part time admission and go from there. It will all work out.
After finding out that the acceptance was for real, I went to church with mom, my brother and his wife. It was the first time I'd been in church since perhaps Christmas. This was mostly due to work, and partially due to not feeling like I wanted to be there for any other reason than to make mom happy. Don't get me wrong, I love my church family, I have a strong faith, etc, but I don't feel the urge to be at church. So I don't go. Mom always taught me that I shouldn't do important things for the wrong reasons. It was announced at church that I had been accepted to Grad school. I got lots of congratulations from friends afterwards, but not one word from mom. That really hurt. I kind of expected it as we had had the talk just a few weeks before about me being/getting too old to be searching for a career. I need to just do something and make some money to live on. She's convinced that perhaps I should just be a convenience store clerk for the rest of my life, because I don't hate the work. I just want to do something more meaningful with my life, and for the first time in a long time I feel that this is the right thing for me to do. We'll see. All I know is that I have too many student loans to payback to work at a gas station for a living.
Now that I've gotten my acceptance out of the way and I know that grad school is starting this fall, its time to make the name change legal and get my driver's license changed. I'm a little hesitant to do it, but it seems like the right thing to do and the next step in the process.
I'll keep you posted and I'll likely make the decision and process the needed paperwork by the end of May (which doesn't give me long to decide!)
Showing posts with label life in general. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life in general. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Black and White Cookie Cutter World, What if.....?
There are so many other things that I should be working on right now, but I've had a lot of 'stuff' building up over the past few weeks and no time to 'write it out' and its keeping me from sleeping.
I love it when all the classes I'm taking seem to be working together, feeding off one another. Right now my LGBTQ Perspectives class is talking about the isms and phobias, violence and law, and what can we do about it. Human Sexuality has been more focused on histories of relationships in the US and views toward sexuality and relationships, as well as differing sexualities in minority populations. Then I have Intro to Psych, and although the topics haven't been as similar, today's lecture really hit home for me. There is so much to write about. I still don't know how to tie all the ends together, but there is a bigger story that will do that, I just haven't seen it yet. I want to write about how our culture is about binaries in ALL things, how we don't like difference or change. I want to write about whether it actually does get better, or do we just get numb to it, whatever 'it' is? I want to write the story of "what if" in my life. One of my psych professor's statements today was "The purpose of college is to help you find your voice". What if I had found my voice in college the FIRST time? What if I had been following my heart and my desires for 20 years? How many people might I have been able to help? How many things might I have changed? Where would I be? What IF? And perhaps those ideas really can't be woven together into a seamless piece of writing, maybe they will have to be individual essays. That remains to be seen.
There are times when I feel like the Universe is one of those cell phone alarms that gets louder every time you hit snooze. I feel like I'm supposed to be getting some BIG point and every time I ignore it, or get the wrong point, the Universe just tries to communicate a little louder until I actually take a moment to listen, understand, and adapt.
So, I'm listening.
We, as humans, have built a society based on fear, hate, and division. We categorize and classify EVERYTHING, making it neat and tidy in the process. Each of us wants more than anything to be good, to be right, to be OK. But, we see 'flaws' in others because there are differences. In many cases people, groups of people, institutions, etc will point out those differences and remind us all that "those" aren't like us and therefore they must be bad, because WE are good. And two things can't be good at the same time! Difference = Wrong = BAD! And since none of us are identical therefore the possibility exists that ONE of us MIGHT be right (and therefore GOOD) but in the absence of knowing who that person is, we'll just assume it is self. Meaning, you feel your way is right, I feel my way is right, he thinks his way is right, and we all think that everyone else's way is totally WRONG. The labeling and dividing begin the day we are born with a gender marker. You are either M or F. And because of that label there is a code of conduct that you must adhere to or be considered wrong. Wrong must be eliminated. Do you see where this is going? It's how we set the basis for sexism, racism, classism, and all the other fanaticisms that exist. I'm part of this group. We are right. You are different therefore you must be wrong/bad. Eliminate BAD.
Since the male species is generally more physically strong they probably one the first argument against women about which was better, the M or the F. Since that time we've dealt with sexism. Women are stereotyped as weak, dumb, incapable, and as property to be owned and controlled. We watched a film in class the other day and a homophobic man, now in prison for killing Billy Jack Gaither stated 'He disrespected me, He started talking about Homosexual acts' When asked why that was disrespectful he stated 'because he is a man', Would it have been okay for a woman to say the same things to him? "I guess that would have been alright". So, there is part of the code. I'm a guy I like women = good. I'm a guy I like men = BAD. Eliminate BAD. But, what are the larger implications of his statements?
And it gets more complicated because there is not clear binary in ANYTHING. Everything in this world is a spectrum! Everything from Sex/Gender to Race/Color to Sexual Preference/Identity etc. And because we sort of recognize the spectrum we've now started to stack those traits. Lesbian is better than Gay Man. Bisexual is better than Lesbian. Straight Woman is better than Bisexual. Straight Man is better than all. That's just an example, not my opinion. So now we know all of the people we can hate. Anyone under us is an acceptable group to discriminated against. I don't want to even try to rank skin color, race, religious leanings, political party affiliation, etc. I can state with some degree of certainty that if polled the majority of Americans would say that the top of the ladder would be White heterosexual Christian Republican American Males, which scares me. I also find it a little amusing that every white person I know wants to have a tan that looks as good as someone born with browner skin, but then feels that they can discriminate against those that have darker skin. Is it jealousy?
We are nation that publicly berates others for their differences. Just watch a couple of "paid for by supporters of ...." ads. Most of them are mudslinging. What is mudslinging? Bullying for politics. When I was a HS kid I got called names, taunted for my red hair, braces, the space between my front teeth (before the braces), my complete inability to play sports (I swear I've gotten better at them), and my good grades. I'll be honest, I really don't remember much of it. The majority of the taunts I ignored and eventually they stopped. I was lucky. I was not your typical 'different' kind of teenager. I'm old enough now that I watch news reports about kids in HS and their bullying and its results. Our response is to tell them that "It Gets Better" Does it? I've think I have endured as much or more bullying, discrimination, etc in the 20 years since graduating college than I did in the 21 years I was school age and younger. Maybe its the fact that it isn't an every day sort of thing. I don't have to worry about walking down the hallway in my office building and being called a red-headed freak of nature. Instead, I get to be passed over for promotion to a job that quite literally was created for me and instead given to a white married family man with less education and experience. We still get to see news reports of adult LGBT people being tortured, raped, beaten, and/or Killed. We are still fighting for equality, to have it recognized that we deserve equal protection under the law. i.e. until we have that it technically could be considered OK to eliminate us, the different, the wrong, the bad. So, how can we tell the youth that it gets better? That sure doesn't look like a better world to me.
But, maybe I'm getting it wrong, sort of. It isn't going to just miraculously get better when you get older. And, if you lucky you aren't going to harden to things to the point that you feel nothing. Hopefully, what will happen is that you will change the world. Hopefully, what will happen is that I will change the world some before you get the chance. (and this is where the psych lecture comes in)We've spent years and years and years, since the dawn of man, just trying to survive. We came out of the wilderness to build cities, industries and technological advancements, but for many of us (myself included) we have lived our lives just trying to NOT end up back in the wilderness. We've been living to NOT Fail, which is not the same as living to Succeed. What if we changed the way we think. What if each of us made a conscious effort to live to succeed and be the absolute best that we can possibly be? (it is considered cheating and million point penalty for even considering getting ahead by knocking someone else down! and you are given a million point bonus if you help someone who has fallen to keep going.) What would society change into? What if we quit focusing on our differences and started seeing where we are the same? Would we be able to create a Utopian dream of a world without shame, violence, hatred, war? Sadly, not even I am that optimistic. I think we will always unfortunately try to find a way to separate ourselves from others.
The classic answer to all of this is EDUCATION, but it can't be just textbook learning in a vacuum, that doesn't work. You can't take the worst offender in the office and send him/her to a political correctness educational seminar and think that he/she will come back completely changed. It doesn't work that way. Most of us have it ingrained in our brains by the time we are 8 who we are like and who we aren't. A 5 hour seminar isn't going to change that! It takes brave men, women and children who are willing to exist outside the safety of their closets, risking life and limb, sanity, pride, everything really to just live. Risk it all to just be able to live as though you are part of the world. Those of us who are moderately different will obviously have an easier time of things, its up to us to help protect those a bit more extreme personalities. That may be the only way that we can prove that its our differences that make us amazing individuals and allow those who want only sameness to have the chance to get to know us. Its a little forceful, but this is just my opinion anyway.
I'm sure that some of you are reading this and thinking that I'm crazy and I'm talking about some bizarre combination of Socialism and Anarchy, but I'm not, not really. Its more a be and let be scenario. If what I'm doing isn't physically damaging you without your consent then there should be nothing you can say about it. If you don't want to see a Transman kissing his girlfriend, don't watch, but don't make me stop. There have been many times I've not wanted to see straight people kissing, but I haven't stopped them, so it seems only fair. And as far as laws and such go, I'd like to think we can be smart about them. Murder really doesn't seem like consensual violence and therefore should be punished severely, same with rape, and other violent crimes. But the punishment has to be different too. We can't sensationalize the story and give them fame. We can't write books about them, or make movies, we need to recondition them to respond differently to the stimulus. (Hows that for psych speak!) There needs to be a system of rewards for progress and change in a positive direction. What if....?
I am lucky. I live in one of the most admired nations on the planet, or at least one of the most feared. I have freedom, a modest amount of financial security, a college education, and a dream. But, every day I go to work and see the same people come in to feed their addictions, and leave. There is so little difference between one person and the next sometimes that it is difficult to tell them apart. And to be quite honest, that's the way they like it. Personally I would prefer a world where the people are hand molded and no two are alike, not even the houses we live in would be similar to our neighbor's house. No one is bad, and no one is better. We are all just different, wonderful and amazing in our own unique way. What if we could make it work that way?
I love it when all the classes I'm taking seem to be working together, feeding off one another. Right now my LGBTQ Perspectives class is talking about the isms and phobias, violence and law, and what can we do about it. Human Sexuality has been more focused on histories of relationships in the US and views toward sexuality and relationships, as well as differing sexualities in minority populations. Then I have Intro to Psych, and although the topics haven't been as similar, today's lecture really hit home for me. There is so much to write about. I still don't know how to tie all the ends together, but there is a bigger story that will do that, I just haven't seen it yet. I want to write about how our culture is about binaries in ALL things, how we don't like difference or change. I want to write about whether it actually does get better, or do we just get numb to it, whatever 'it' is? I want to write the story of "what if" in my life. One of my psych professor's statements today was "The purpose of college is to help you find your voice". What if I had found my voice in college the FIRST time? What if I had been following my heart and my desires for 20 years? How many people might I have been able to help? How many things might I have changed? Where would I be? What IF? And perhaps those ideas really can't be woven together into a seamless piece of writing, maybe they will have to be individual essays. That remains to be seen.
There are times when I feel like the Universe is one of those cell phone alarms that gets louder every time you hit snooze. I feel like I'm supposed to be getting some BIG point and every time I ignore it, or get the wrong point, the Universe just tries to communicate a little louder until I actually take a moment to listen, understand, and adapt.
So, I'm listening.
We, as humans, have built a society based on fear, hate, and division. We categorize and classify EVERYTHING, making it neat and tidy in the process. Each of us wants more than anything to be good, to be right, to be OK. But, we see 'flaws' in others because there are differences. In many cases people, groups of people, institutions, etc will point out those differences and remind us all that "those" aren't like us and therefore they must be bad, because WE are good. And two things can't be good at the same time! Difference = Wrong = BAD! And since none of us are identical therefore the possibility exists that ONE of us MIGHT be right (and therefore GOOD) but in the absence of knowing who that person is, we'll just assume it is self. Meaning, you feel your way is right, I feel my way is right, he thinks his way is right, and we all think that everyone else's way is totally WRONG. The labeling and dividing begin the day we are born with a gender marker. You are either M or F. And because of that label there is a code of conduct that you must adhere to or be considered wrong. Wrong must be eliminated. Do you see where this is going? It's how we set the basis for sexism, racism, classism, and all the other fanaticisms that exist. I'm part of this group. We are right. You are different therefore you must be wrong/bad. Eliminate BAD.
Since the male species is generally more physically strong they probably one the first argument against women about which was better, the M or the F. Since that time we've dealt with sexism. Women are stereotyped as weak, dumb, incapable, and as property to be owned and controlled. We watched a film in class the other day and a homophobic man, now in prison for killing Billy Jack Gaither stated 'He disrespected me, He started talking about Homosexual acts' When asked why that was disrespectful he stated 'because he is a man', Would it have been okay for a woman to say the same things to him? "I guess that would have been alright". So, there is part of the code. I'm a guy I like women = good. I'm a guy I like men = BAD. Eliminate BAD. But, what are the larger implications of his statements?
And it gets more complicated because there is not clear binary in ANYTHING. Everything in this world is a spectrum! Everything from Sex/Gender to Race/Color to Sexual Preference/Identity etc. And because we sort of recognize the spectrum we've now started to stack those traits. Lesbian is better than Gay Man. Bisexual is better than Lesbian. Straight Woman is better than Bisexual. Straight Man is better than all. That's just an example, not my opinion. So now we know all of the people we can hate. Anyone under us is an acceptable group to discriminated against. I don't want to even try to rank skin color, race, religious leanings, political party affiliation, etc. I can state with some degree of certainty that if polled the majority of Americans would say that the top of the ladder would be White heterosexual Christian Republican American Males, which scares me. I also find it a little amusing that every white person I know wants to have a tan that looks as good as someone born with browner skin, but then feels that they can discriminate against those that have darker skin. Is it jealousy?
We are nation that publicly berates others for their differences. Just watch a couple of "paid for by supporters of ...." ads. Most of them are mudslinging. What is mudslinging? Bullying for politics. When I was a HS kid I got called names, taunted for my red hair, braces, the space between my front teeth (before the braces), my complete inability to play sports (I swear I've gotten better at them), and my good grades. I'll be honest, I really don't remember much of it. The majority of the taunts I ignored and eventually they stopped. I was lucky. I was not your typical 'different' kind of teenager. I'm old enough now that I watch news reports about kids in HS and their bullying and its results. Our response is to tell them that "It Gets Better" Does it? I've think I have endured as much or more bullying, discrimination, etc in the 20 years since graduating college than I did in the 21 years I was school age and younger. Maybe its the fact that it isn't an every day sort of thing. I don't have to worry about walking down the hallway in my office building and being called a red-headed freak of nature. Instead, I get to be passed over for promotion to a job that quite literally was created for me and instead given to a white married family man with less education and experience. We still get to see news reports of adult LGBT people being tortured, raped, beaten, and/or Killed. We are still fighting for equality, to have it recognized that we deserve equal protection under the law. i.e. until we have that it technically could be considered OK to eliminate us, the different, the wrong, the bad. So, how can we tell the youth that it gets better? That sure doesn't look like a better world to me.
But, maybe I'm getting it wrong, sort of. It isn't going to just miraculously get better when you get older. And, if you lucky you aren't going to harden to things to the point that you feel nothing. Hopefully, what will happen is that you will change the world. Hopefully, what will happen is that I will change the world some before you get the chance. (and this is where the psych lecture comes in)We've spent years and years and years, since the dawn of man, just trying to survive. We came out of the wilderness to build cities, industries and technological advancements, but for many of us (myself included) we have lived our lives just trying to NOT end up back in the wilderness. We've been living to NOT Fail, which is not the same as living to Succeed. What if we changed the way we think. What if each of us made a conscious effort to live to succeed and be the absolute best that we can possibly be? (it is considered cheating and million point penalty for even considering getting ahead by knocking someone else down! and you are given a million point bonus if you help someone who has fallen to keep going.) What would society change into? What if we quit focusing on our differences and started seeing where we are the same? Would we be able to create a Utopian dream of a world without shame, violence, hatred, war? Sadly, not even I am that optimistic. I think we will always unfortunately try to find a way to separate ourselves from others.
The classic answer to all of this is EDUCATION, but it can't be just textbook learning in a vacuum, that doesn't work. You can't take the worst offender in the office and send him/her to a political correctness educational seminar and think that he/she will come back completely changed. It doesn't work that way. Most of us have it ingrained in our brains by the time we are 8 who we are like and who we aren't. A 5 hour seminar isn't going to change that! It takes brave men, women and children who are willing to exist outside the safety of their closets, risking life and limb, sanity, pride, everything really to just live. Risk it all to just be able to live as though you are part of the world. Those of us who are moderately different will obviously have an easier time of things, its up to us to help protect those a bit more extreme personalities. That may be the only way that we can prove that its our differences that make us amazing individuals and allow those who want only sameness to have the chance to get to know us. Its a little forceful, but this is just my opinion anyway.
I'm sure that some of you are reading this and thinking that I'm crazy and I'm talking about some bizarre combination of Socialism and Anarchy, but I'm not, not really. Its more a be and let be scenario. If what I'm doing isn't physically damaging you without your consent then there should be nothing you can say about it. If you don't want to see a Transman kissing his girlfriend, don't watch, but don't make me stop. There have been many times I've not wanted to see straight people kissing, but I haven't stopped them, so it seems only fair. And as far as laws and such go, I'd like to think we can be smart about them. Murder really doesn't seem like consensual violence and therefore should be punished severely, same with rape, and other violent crimes. But the punishment has to be different too. We can't sensationalize the story and give them fame. We can't write books about them, or make movies, we need to recondition them to respond differently to the stimulus. (Hows that for psych speak!) There needs to be a system of rewards for progress and change in a positive direction. What if....?
I am lucky. I live in one of the most admired nations on the planet, or at least one of the most feared. I have freedom, a modest amount of financial security, a college education, and a dream. But, every day I go to work and see the same people come in to feed their addictions, and leave. There is so little difference between one person and the next sometimes that it is difficult to tell them apart. And to be quite honest, that's the way they like it. Personally I would prefer a world where the people are hand molded and no two are alike, not even the houses we live in would be similar to our neighbor's house. No one is bad, and no one is better. We are all just different, wonderful and amazing in our own unique way. What if we could make it work that way?
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Latest Updates
This has been a rough winter health-wise speaking. I've been through the 'stomach flu' three times now, although it may not have been stomach flu, it may have been a side-effect of having a bad kidney infection due to my kidney stones. I'm really sick of my rocks! The good news is that I finally have an appointment to see a Urologist at UVA on Friday morning. The funny story behind this, is that the Free Clinic tried to make me an appointment earlier an had failed. While I was at the doctor on Monday I needed to give a urine sample so I went to the lab with the nurse that does the appointment scheduling. She looks at me and says "I haven't wanted to call and tell you this, but I couldn't make you an appointment with a Urologist because they won't cover the condition."
"what?!?!?" - me
"They say it is an elective procedure." - nurse
"Man, that sucks. What am I going to do now? I guess I'll just have to go home and start sharpening my scalpel blade and take care of this myself." - me
"Did you really think that the free clinic would cover this for you?" - nurse
"I didn't know, all I know is that I've been in pain because of this for 2 years and I need it fixed. Its affecting every aspect of my life." - me
"I know and I'm so sorry, they just won't do it" - nurse
I then go on to explain how I've tried everything, how my parents have helped with medical costs, how I got my gall bladder out and the pain continued, etc. Which is when she looks at me and says "What are you talking about?"
"Kidney Stones." - me
"That's why you need to see a urologist? That's not what was in the notes?" - nurse
"Yeah, I need to see a urologist about kidney stones because there isn't one closer to hear that will work with the free clinic." - me
"Well, that's different. I thought you needed to see a urologist about surgery for your transition!?" - nurse
"No, I never thought that would be covered. I just want to get rid of kidney stones." - me
"Well, they will certainly see you for that!" - nurse
I had an appointment made within a half-hour!
What silliness.
So, today I went to the pharmacy to pick up my latest T prescription. The previous 2 times they sold me syringes pre-loaded with 1 ml of T, and that is what I was expecting today. The syringes were $10/per and the last time I got them a 10ml bottle was $60. Today, they originally tried to sell me 2- 1ml vials for a total of $30! Fortunately, they said that they could fill the prescription with a 10ml vial at $90 instead." WTF!?! Is there a T shortage? I know its more expensive at Walmart and actually every other place I've checked. Wish I knew how to get it cheaper since I really need money at the moment! Oh well, I'm hoping that I have enough to afford gas for the drive to C-ville and back on Friday! Hopefully Mom will give me a little extra, as the illnesses have reduced my earning substantially.
I am also well behind on my homework, and I'm exhausted, didn't sleep well last night due to having taken a nap after having been exhausted after classes yesterday. I also need to do more writing in preparation for a couple of projects that I have. I don't know when I think I'm going to get it all done!
More to come.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Happy Belated New Year, FloCoIMo and other assorted things!
Yes, I know, I'm starting off another post with the sentence, It's been awhile, but.....
I can't believe that 2011 is now past tense. It doesn't seem possible that it could be a new year already. December was pretty difficult for me at times. A lot of it was school related, as I had lots of papers/projects/exams all due at the very end. I managed to pull out some decent grades, although not as good as I had hoped, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it will still be good enough to get me into grad school (keep your fingers crossed with me, okay?) But, there was some sadness in reliving memories from 2010, and finding it so difficult to believe that the joy and expectations I had for 2011 had all vanished from possibility as early as the end of January. It was like the hopes and dreams that I had had for Mara and I were a New Year's resolution that we gave up on after 3 weeks. Oh well, what's done is done, and can't be changed. I accept that, I'm moving on, but it does still mess with my head at times.
Otherwise, Christmas played its standard mind games with me, the dealing with family who really ONLY want to accept me as the "woman I was born to be", which is so inaccurate it is sometimes funny. But, it means facing the often times disappointing 'pretty' Christmas gifts with a smile on my face and a kind 'thank you' instead of expressing the internal "OMG, what were you thinking when you bought this? Do you even have a clue about who I am? You've known me for 41 years, what made you think I would like this?" Actually though, my mom did an acceptable job at purchasing me nearly gender appropriate clothing as gifts. Unfortunately, most of it was made to be warn when one is cold, and with the T, I really don't seem to get cold anymore! So, I may never wear them, but we'll see. Old Man Winter may get it cold enough for me to feel it at some point.
The holidays in general were rather uneventful. I spent most of my time working, trying to manage the pain from my kidney stones (yes, I now know that there are 2 of them, not just one), and attempting to stay a few steps ahead of the flu type ick that everyone else seemed to come down with. I am grateful that I only had a day or two that I felt 'fluish'.
So, now that January has begun, I should be doing something creative daily, as that was my goal for FloCoIMo (for those of you who don't know what that is, it is Floyd County Imagination Month, you can find out more about it at http://www.flocoimo.org ) But, I haven't done much of anything. Mostly because I have been busy with work, and partly because I still feel so much attachment to my ex through this. I messed with my head mightily to find that she had rewritten some of her poems from last year and effectively wrote me out of them. I guess I deserve it, or it is something she feels she needs to do. All I know is that it hurt a LOT more than I was expecting it to.
I'm also starting to wonder if perhaps my future might not lay far from Floyd. I work with some really great people, and I've met some awesome people via school and other associations, but I still feel like an outsider here. More and more I realize that there are people that I love and care about here that I can't be in contact with, or rather, I can contact them, they just won't answer. I effectively lost them in the divorce. And that saddens me, because I feel that it severely limits the possibilities that I have to grow, evolve and hopefully date while living here. Maybe I'm wrong and this feeling will pass. I'm not planning on leaving until I've managed to finish grad school, and since I have yet to be accepted, I that means at minimum 2 more years here. We'll see. As I once wrote for a status update "There are always more fish in the sea, but its far easier to catch them if you aren't fishing in a puddle" For what its worth, Floyd is a puddle when it comes to finding a transman accepting partner. And when OKCupid finds one possible match for you in a 50 mile radius, well, it makes you realize just how remote your chances are. I have met someone online though, she is really wonderful, but also very far away and our situations are complicated by more than just distance, but I won't go into that here.
Anyway..... speaking of grad school, I have an application to finish before classes start again. I also need to request transcripts from the 7 or so assorted schools that I have attended, and I desperately need to figure out who I'm going to use for references. That last part has me a bit worried. I'm hoping that I can think of 3 great people who can write great and glowing things about me. I really need someone in the field of Social Work that knows me and can speak to my abilities, I was going to use my sister-in-law, but I'm worried that there will be an issue with the fact that she is my sister-in-law. Opinions, recommendations and volunteers are requested for my referencing positions. Please note that I do need these to be professional references, so if you can say lovely and glowing things about me as a person and your friend, while I appreciate it, it isn't exactly what I need. But, send me an e-mail if you are interested and we'll discuss the possibility.
Classes start in just over a week. I can't wait! I'm taking some interesting classes and one of them is Weight Training, I'm hoping that will help me lose weight and also shape and tone my physique so that I can start passing more frequently as masculine. I'm still only passing at work maybe 50% of the time and that is a big maybe. I'm not certain what I am doing wrong, or if it is just that these people know me and therefore don't notice the changes (or refuse to see them). Although I think a haircut will help (I haven't had one since September!!!!!) And hopefully that will happen next week after I get my tuition money!
In other news, I'm going to start looking for another job. Odd as it seems, I do love what I do , where I work and the people I work with, but, I need more pay. I just don't make enough to make ends meet and that needs to stop ASAP. I'm so behind on my bills that I'm not sure what I'm going to do to get caught up. I'll get there eventually. So, anyone who would like to be a reference for me, again, let me know.
Lets see, not much else to discuss. Despite the lamenting the past that could not be my future, I'm actually rather upbeat and positive about things. I truly believe that I will get into grad school for the fall and that this semester will be my best ever at VT. I know a new job is just around the corner and life is going to get better. 2012 is full of possibilities and I'm going to take advantage of as many of them as are presented to me. Good things are coming my way!
Happy New Year to you all. I will keep you all posted on how things change, and I hopefully will get a picture taken AFTER the haircut (as right now it is driving me nuts and I can't stand the way it looks. Interestingly enough, its become curly! I think it is the T).
I can't believe that 2011 is now past tense. It doesn't seem possible that it could be a new year already. December was pretty difficult for me at times. A lot of it was school related, as I had lots of papers/projects/exams all due at the very end. I managed to pull out some decent grades, although not as good as I had hoped, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it will still be good enough to get me into grad school (keep your fingers crossed with me, okay?) But, there was some sadness in reliving memories from 2010, and finding it so difficult to believe that the joy and expectations I had for 2011 had all vanished from possibility as early as the end of January. It was like the hopes and dreams that I had had for Mara and I were a New Year's resolution that we gave up on after 3 weeks. Oh well, what's done is done, and can't be changed. I accept that, I'm moving on, but it does still mess with my head at times.
Otherwise, Christmas played its standard mind games with me, the dealing with family who really ONLY want to accept me as the "woman I was born to be", which is so inaccurate it is sometimes funny. But, it means facing the often times disappointing 'pretty' Christmas gifts with a smile on my face and a kind 'thank you' instead of expressing the internal "OMG, what were you thinking when you bought this? Do you even have a clue about who I am? You've known me for 41 years, what made you think I would like this?" Actually though, my mom did an acceptable job at purchasing me nearly gender appropriate clothing as gifts. Unfortunately, most of it was made to be warn when one is cold, and with the T, I really don't seem to get cold anymore! So, I may never wear them, but we'll see. Old Man Winter may get it cold enough for me to feel it at some point.
The holidays in general were rather uneventful. I spent most of my time working, trying to manage the pain from my kidney stones (yes, I now know that there are 2 of them, not just one), and attempting to stay a few steps ahead of the flu type ick that everyone else seemed to come down with. I am grateful that I only had a day or two that I felt 'fluish'.
So, now that January has begun, I should be doing something creative daily, as that was my goal for FloCoIMo (for those of you who don't know what that is, it is Floyd County Imagination Month, you can find out more about it at http://www.flocoimo.org ) But, I haven't done much of anything. Mostly because I have been busy with work, and partly because I still feel so much attachment to my ex through this. I messed with my head mightily to find that she had rewritten some of her poems from last year and effectively wrote me out of them. I guess I deserve it, or it is something she feels she needs to do. All I know is that it hurt a LOT more than I was expecting it to.
I'm also starting to wonder if perhaps my future might not lay far from Floyd. I work with some really great people, and I've met some awesome people via school and other associations, but I still feel like an outsider here. More and more I realize that there are people that I love and care about here that I can't be in contact with, or rather, I can contact them, they just won't answer. I effectively lost them in the divorce. And that saddens me, because I feel that it severely limits the possibilities that I have to grow, evolve and hopefully date while living here. Maybe I'm wrong and this feeling will pass. I'm not planning on leaving until I've managed to finish grad school, and since I have yet to be accepted, I that means at minimum 2 more years here. We'll see. As I once wrote for a status update "There are always more fish in the sea, but its far easier to catch them if you aren't fishing in a puddle" For what its worth, Floyd is a puddle when it comes to finding a transman accepting partner. And when OKCupid finds one possible match for you in a 50 mile radius, well, it makes you realize just how remote your chances are. I have met someone online though, she is really wonderful, but also very far away and our situations are complicated by more than just distance, but I won't go into that here.
Anyway..... speaking of grad school, I have an application to finish before classes start again. I also need to request transcripts from the 7 or so assorted schools that I have attended, and I desperately need to figure out who I'm going to use for references. That last part has me a bit worried. I'm hoping that I can think of 3 great people who can write great and glowing things about me. I really need someone in the field of Social Work that knows me and can speak to my abilities, I was going to use my sister-in-law, but I'm worried that there will be an issue with the fact that she is my sister-in-law. Opinions, recommendations and volunteers are requested for my referencing positions. Please note that I do need these to be professional references, so if you can say lovely and glowing things about me as a person and your friend, while I appreciate it, it isn't exactly what I need. But, send me an e-mail if you are interested and we'll discuss the possibility.
Classes start in just over a week. I can't wait! I'm taking some interesting classes and one of them is Weight Training, I'm hoping that will help me lose weight and also shape and tone my physique so that I can start passing more frequently as masculine. I'm still only passing at work maybe 50% of the time and that is a big maybe. I'm not certain what I am doing wrong, or if it is just that these people know me and therefore don't notice the changes (or refuse to see them). Although I think a haircut will help (I haven't had one since September!!!!!) And hopefully that will happen next week after I get my tuition money!
In other news, I'm going to start looking for another job. Odd as it seems, I do love what I do , where I work and the people I work with, but, I need more pay. I just don't make enough to make ends meet and that needs to stop ASAP. I'm so behind on my bills that I'm not sure what I'm going to do to get caught up. I'll get there eventually. So, anyone who would like to be a reference for me, again, let me know.
Lets see, not much else to discuss. Despite the lamenting the past that could not be my future, I'm actually rather upbeat and positive about things. I truly believe that I will get into grad school for the fall and that this semester will be my best ever at VT. I know a new job is just around the corner and life is going to get better. 2012 is full of possibilities and I'm going to take advantage of as many of them as are presented to me. Good things are coming my way!
Happy New Year to you all. I will keep you all posted on how things change, and I hopefully will get a picture taken AFTER the haircut (as right now it is driving me nuts and I can't stand the way it looks. Interestingly enough, its become curly! I think it is the T).
Friday, November 11, 2011
Energy
Wednesday seemed to be a day all about energy. It started with a conversation with my manager about the 'energies' that are brought to the workplace, and how just one person can affect the rest.
Then there was a Reiki class which was ALL about energy, the transfer of energy, the healing powers of energy, etc.
And then on the way home my iPod randomly played a song (and I wish I could remember which song it was because that is the important bit), that once again made me think of energy and how it passes between people.
I realized something, and it seemed quite profound at the time, that every relationship we enter into is just a form of energy transfer. There are those relationships that energize us, seemingly creating energy from the space between us. There are those that wear us out, those that build us up, and even those that seem to keep us level and stable. So, then my mind wandered to the relationships in my life and what kind of energy to they bring to the table. I have some great friends, co-workers, on-line buddies and family members that provide me with interesting, stimulating relationships and bring plenty of positive energy into my life. (I love you guys, you know who you are) I have those relationships that seem to keep me level and grounded, which are great, unless you really need some of that super positive energy to pull you up from a bad day. And then I thought about the relationships that are sucking the life out of me. Thankfully, I only came up with one (at least one obvious one). And it is a singularly one sided relationship that I'm still feeding energy into even though none is being returned. Maybe that is why I'm so tired all the time! Maybe it isn't a chemical imbalance, a mental imbalance, a vitamin deficiency, boredom, stress, or any of those other go to answers. Perhaps it is purely an energy imbalance where I continue to give and receive nothing in return. Time to cut off the power going in that direction and take it back for myself. This is going to be more difficult than it sounds. You would think after 11 months I could just write the relationship off, pull my energy back in and move on, but thus far it hasn't happened. Perhaps I've been unwilling to put the extra energy into letting go, maybe I haven't felt like I had the energy reserve available to do that. I don't know. Its crazy.
The lovely woman I mentioned in my last post says she feels no chemistry with me. I'm okay with that, I'm happy to be friends. Perhaps that is all that I'm ready for at the moment anyway, but maybe she feels no chemistry with me because I don't have the energy available to put into that spark, its still all travelling down a dead-end connection and short circuiting everything else. Stuff to think about over the coming weeks.
Time to find my energy source, regain my power, and live my life. Time to stop allowing the absence of another to continue to pull my life out of me. Its over, and although I've said a few dozen times, its time to move on.
Then there was a Reiki class which was ALL about energy, the transfer of energy, the healing powers of energy, etc.
And then on the way home my iPod randomly played a song (and I wish I could remember which song it was because that is the important bit), that once again made me think of energy and how it passes between people.
I realized something, and it seemed quite profound at the time, that every relationship we enter into is just a form of energy transfer. There are those relationships that energize us, seemingly creating energy from the space between us. There are those that wear us out, those that build us up, and even those that seem to keep us level and stable. So, then my mind wandered to the relationships in my life and what kind of energy to they bring to the table. I have some great friends, co-workers, on-line buddies and family members that provide me with interesting, stimulating relationships and bring plenty of positive energy into my life. (I love you guys, you know who you are) I have those relationships that seem to keep me level and grounded, which are great, unless you really need some of that super positive energy to pull you up from a bad day. And then I thought about the relationships that are sucking the life out of me. Thankfully, I only came up with one (at least one obvious one). And it is a singularly one sided relationship that I'm still feeding energy into even though none is being returned. Maybe that is why I'm so tired all the time! Maybe it isn't a chemical imbalance, a mental imbalance, a vitamin deficiency, boredom, stress, or any of those other go to answers. Perhaps it is purely an energy imbalance where I continue to give and receive nothing in return. Time to cut off the power going in that direction and take it back for myself. This is going to be more difficult than it sounds. You would think after 11 months I could just write the relationship off, pull my energy back in and move on, but thus far it hasn't happened. Perhaps I've been unwilling to put the extra energy into letting go, maybe I haven't felt like I had the energy reserve available to do that. I don't know. Its crazy.
The lovely woman I mentioned in my last post says she feels no chemistry with me. I'm okay with that, I'm happy to be friends. Perhaps that is all that I'm ready for at the moment anyway, but maybe she feels no chemistry with me because I don't have the energy available to put into that spark, its still all travelling down a dead-end connection and short circuiting everything else. Stuff to think about over the coming weeks.
Time to find my energy source, regain my power, and live my life. Time to stop allowing the absence of another to continue to pull my life out of me. Its over, and although I've said a few dozen times, its time to move on.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
I Really Need to Blog More
I have been intending to write something new and cool and informative for weeks now, but have been swamped by homework, work, wedding celebrations, and the like, and also plagued by writer's block to take the cake.
I guess I'll start with the briefest of updates on my transition, and then move on to the more emotional stuff that is also part of my changing life. I have now officially hit the 6 months on T mark. That happened on October 15. I feel really good about all the things that have changed. I've lost inches on my hips and thighs as they have become much more muscular and the 'soft protective layer' has migrated up to my waist. This means my jeans have gone from being very loose around the waist and tight over the hips and thighs to fitting comfortably around the waist and being baggy on the hips and thighs. I need new jeans, but currently can't afford them. I think I only have 3 pair of 36x32's so donations to the jeans fund would be most helpful! Aside from that, my voice seems to have settled at a nice low tone and I'm relearning how to sing with the community choir. I'm really enjoying that aspect of things, although I never EVER imagined that my voice would end up this low. I figured I'd be a tenor, which would mean I could sing all the cool songs on the radio just fine. Instead I'm a second bass and my range is much more narrow that I had hoped. Songs on the radio are frequently not in my range, but I manage anyway, its only in the car (mostly) LOL I'm also starting to get a little bit of facial hair that is visible. The texture of the hair has changed and some of them are actually not blonde! Unfortunately, the acne is still about the same and has gotten a bit worse along my jawline. Oh well, maybe that will start to clear up soon, but who knows. I'm still pretty tired most of the time, but that might also be changing a little (keep your virtual fingers crossed for me!) And just over the last week my appetite has really picked up. I had always heard that T makes you hungry all the time. It really hadn't for me. I don't know if it was due to lack of food availability or excess of body fat that has now become a little depleted. I just don't know.
Anyway, in other news. My brother is now married! I'm so happy and excited for him and his new bride. Congrats you guys!
The wedding coincided with my 6 month anniversary on T. It was very nice to be able to go to the wedding in a tie and slacks and not the dress that would have been standard practice years ago. It would have been nicer to have been able to be Aaron to my family and friends, but I chose stay with my given name through the wedding, so as not to cause my change to overshadow the joy of the occasion. It was difficult to be daughter and sister throughout the day. But, it was still a lovely day. It was also difficult because I had hoped a year ago that I would have a date to the ceremony and that she and I would soon be celebrating a year together after the wedding. Obviously, that didn't happen. It was hard being there alone. I still miss her, I worry about the daughter that could have been part of my life. But, I'm moving on. I'm trying to move on. I even had a sort of date on Thursday night. It went well, I think. I'm hoping it will lead to another day, but, time will tell. She is awesome, she seems very sweet, she's really cute, very smart, amazingly caring, and fun to talk to. We seem to have lots in common, so I'm hopeful.
Well, that's about all for now. Classes are going okay, a couple of exams coming up in the next couple of weeks, but that should be okay. Time now to get ready for work.
Thanks for reading.
I guess I'll start with the briefest of updates on my transition, and then move on to the more emotional stuff that is also part of my changing life. I have now officially hit the 6 months on T mark. That happened on October 15. I feel really good about all the things that have changed. I've lost inches on my hips and thighs as they have become much more muscular and the 'soft protective layer' has migrated up to my waist. This means my jeans have gone from being very loose around the waist and tight over the hips and thighs to fitting comfortably around the waist and being baggy on the hips and thighs. I need new jeans, but currently can't afford them. I think I only have 3 pair of 36x32's so donations to the jeans fund would be most helpful! Aside from that, my voice seems to have settled at a nice low tone and I'm relearning how to sing with the community choir. I'm really enjoying that aspect of things, although I never EVER imagined that my voice would end up this low. I figured I'd be a tenor, which would mean I could sing all the cool songs on the radio just fine. Instead I'm a second bass and my range is much more narrow that I had hoped. Songs on the radio are frequently not in my range, but I manage anyway, its only in the car (mostly) LOL I'm also starting to get a little bit of facial hair that is visible. The texture of the hair has changed and some of them are actually not blonde! Unfortunately, the acne is still about the same and has gotten a bit worse along my jawline. Oh well, maybe that will start to clear up soon, but who knows. I'm still pretty tired most of the time, but that might also be changing a little (keep your virtual fingers crossed for me!) And just over the last week my appetite has really picked up. I had always heard that T makes you hungry all the time. It really hadn't for me. I don't know if it was due to lack of food availability or excess of body fat that has now become a little depleted. I just don't know.
Anyway, in other news. My brother is now married! I'm so happy and excited for him and his new bride. Congrats you guys!
The wedding coincided with my 6 month anniversary on T. It was very nice to be able to go to the wedding in a tie and slacks and not the dress that would have been standard practice years ago. It would have been nicer to have been able to be Aaron to my family and friends, but I chose stay with my given name through the wedding, so as not to cause my change to overshadow the joy of the occasion. It was difficult to be daughter and sister throughout the day. But, it was still a lovely day. It was also difficult because I had hoped a year ago that I would have a date to the ceremony and that she and I would soon be celebrating a year together after the wedding. Obviously, that didn't happen. It was hard being there alone. I still miss her, I worry about the daughter that could have been part of my life. But, I'm moving on. I'm trying to move on. I even had a sort of date on Thursday night. It went well, I think. I'm hoping it will lead to another day, but, time will tell. She is awesome, she seems very sweet, she's really cute, very smart, amazingly caring, and fun to talk to. We seem to have lots in common, so I'm hopeful.
Well, that's about all for now. Classes are going okay, a couple of exams coming up in the next couple of weeks, but that should be okay. Time now to get ready for work.
Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
What it means, part II
A couple of months ago I wrote a post called What it Means This is a continuation of that post.
Its been a day of pondering things. Little things and big things. While fixing dinner I thought about the summer camp I used to attend, and how I'll probably never be welcome to volunteer there again (at least not as a cabin counselor or a leader). You see, its a Christian camp, and while the Church of the Brethern believe that you love the sinner, hate the sin when it comes to gays, they also believe that as long as I was born with a vagina I'll be a woman, but I don't think they'll accept a bearded woman who answers to Aaron sleeping with a cabin full of young girls. Nor would they let me sleep with a cabin of young boys. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe I'm thinking too much about it. I just know I miss the place where I spent the happiest times of my youth. Although to be honest, it doesn't really resemble the place I remember any more. It has been modernized far beyond my comprehension. I mean, kids have cell phones now, when I was a camper we couldn't even have radios! Oh well.
On my walk with Taffy I started thinking about things I have learned about myself over the past 4 months. It still amazes me that its been 4 months since I started T! What I've learned is that for the first time in my life I actually feel comfortable with myself. I feel like I'm experiencing the wonders of my body coming of age for the first time. Puberty didn't feel like anything when I hit that age as a girl. I just tried to fake my way through it. Maybe that is why I felt like I never really grew up in some ways. Now I feel like things in my life are starting to take shape and make sense. It feels really good to be alive.
I also thought about what I wrote earlier in "What it means". While I still like what I wrote, I think there are a few things that I need to restate in a slightly different way. I'm not changing to become a man because I don't want to be a girl, or because I think that there is anything in this world that a woman can't become. It only has to do with the fact that I have never been a woman inside, and I've spent my life being dishonest to everyone around me by trying to be what they wanted to see. Now maybe if society in general, or my family and some of my friends in particular, didn't have such gender based stereotypes I wouldn't feel like I had to be something other than myself, but the fact is, I did.
I have also felt that people have wondered who I'm doing this for. Are you doing this to get Mara back? No. I'm not doing this for anyone except myself. The fact is I was completely convinced that by transitioning I would lose everyone that had been part of my life. I was totally shocked to find that I'm supported and loved by as many people as I am. I'm doing this transition for myself, so that I can be honest with myself and accepting of who I am. Truth is, I still feel isolated from much of the world at large, I feel as if I'm hiding, maybe out of fear, maybe because in some ways I'm still not sure. I don't know. But what is cool is that I feel that my relationships with people that know and are accepting are much more honest, real, open, etc than any I've known before. Which is an amazing feeling! I don't have to live up to some unspoken expectation to be the woman I'm not. Now if only I didn't get reminded so frequently that I am "Ms. Ellen" or Ma'am, or Miss, or whatever. That will change with time, I hope! But, those are the joys of small town Southern living!
In other news, school is getting ready to start in 2 weeks. I'm still working out the kinks with financial aid, but hopefully it will work out so that I have something to live on and can pay some of my bills. I should get to meet with the director of grad admissions for the MSW program at Radford U next week (I haven't heard back about a particular time), but I'm super psyched about the opportunity to go impress someone and convince them that they can't live without me in their program (okay, so a bit optimistic on my part! But hey!)
Also, had a trip to the doctor in Fishersville yesterday. Apparently my transition is going well, however, my triglycerides are through the roof, which is likely to do more with my hot dog , doughnut and soda diet that I have had to survive on over the past 2 months or so. Hopefully I can get a better diet going with the financial aid money. Sadly, I found out that my doctor is leaving general practice, so I have to find someone new that will prescribe my Testosterone injections. Any suggestions?
Prior to finding that out I was lamenting about the lack of resources in general for transgender people in rural areas, particularly SW VA. I was having strong desires to pack up my stuff and move back to Seattle where life would be easier, where I wouldn't be so 'alone', where resources are plentiful, etc. But then it occurred to me, maybe this is why I'm back in Floyd! Maybe I need to work on making this a better, safer, more knowledgeable place for transgender people. I mean, there really isn't much in the line of resources for gay people, but it is a heck of a lot easier to find queer support than it is trans support ANYWHERE in the US, but particularly in rural areas. The fact that I have to drive 2.5 hours to see a doctor to get a hormone prescription is bad, but there are other people who have to travel much further. I know of one therapist in the area who see's trans patients. But, as I learned working for the census last summer, SW VA is a very vast area that is so spread out it is difficult to get resources to a lot of places. I find it disgraceful that the largest city in the area doesn't have 1 doctor that is willing to see FTM patients! Even with a college town less than an hour away, there is little support for the trans community. Maybe I will become an activist in the second half of my life. I still have to figure out how!
Lastly, I think I should say that my job is going really well. I work with an amazingly wonderful group of people and I'm so thankful that they are part of my life. Despite the fact that my inner monologue usually berates me for 'working in a gas station, what will the other people think? You thought you were above this, didn't you?' I really do enjoy the work. I'm getting used to the ever changing hours, the random waves of people that suddenly cause me to have stressfully long lines at my register, and the seemingly never ending lists of things to do.
Now, if I can just fix the random pain in my right side that I think is related to the marble sized kidney stone that has been around for at least 2 years, all will be good. Oh, and if I could happen to meet a couple more friends to hang out with and maybe a girlfriend, life would be spectacular!
Its been a day of pondering things. Little things and big things. While fixing dinner I thought about the summer camp I used to attend, and how I'll probably never be welcome to volunteer there again (at least not as a cabin counselor or a leader). You see, its a Christian camp, and while the Church of the Brethern believe that you love the sinner, hate the sin when it comes to gays, they also believe that as long as I was born with a vagina I'll be a woman, but I don't think they'll accept a bearded woman who answers to Aaron sleeping with a cabin full of young girls. Nor would they let me sleep with a cabin of young boys. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe I'm thinking too much about it. I just know I miss the place where I spent the happiest times of my youth. Although to be honest, it doesn't really resemble the place I remember any more. It has been modernized far beyond my comprehension. I mean, kids have cell phones now, when I was a camper we couldn't even have radios! Oh well.
On my walk with Taffy I started thinking about things I have learned about myself over the past 4 months. It still amazes me that its been 4 months since I started T! What I've learned is that for the first time in my life I actually feel comfortable with myself. I feel like I'm experiencing the wonders of my body coming of age for the first time. Puberty didn't feel like anything when I hit that age as a girl. I just tried to fake my way through it. Maybe that is why I felt like I never really grew up in some ways. Now I feel like things in my life are starting to take shape and make sense. It feels really good to be alive.
I also thought about what I wrote earlier in "What it means". While I still like what I wrote, I think there are a few things that I need to restate in a slightly different way. I'm not changing to become a man because I don't want to be a girl, or because I think that there is anything in this world that a woman can't become. It only has to do with the fact that I have never been a woman inside, and I've spent my life being dishonest to everyone around me by trying to be what they wanted to see. Now maybe if society in general, or my family and some of my friends in particular, didn't have such gender based stereotypes I wouldn't feel like I had to be something other than myself, but the fact is, I did.
I have also felt that people have wondered who I'm doing this for. Are you doing this to get Mara back? No. I'm not doing this for anyone except myself. The fact is I was completely convinced that by transitioning I would lose everyone that had been part of my life. I was totally shocked to find that I'm supported and loved by as many people as I am. I'm doing this transition for myself, so that I can be honest with myself and accepting of who I am. Truth is, I still feel isolated from much of the world at large, I feel as if I'm hiding, maybe out of fear, maybe because in some ways I'm still not sure. I don't know. But what is cool is that I feel that my relationships with people that know and are accepting are much more honest, real, open, etc than any I've known before. Which is an amazing feeling! I don't have to live up to some unspoken expectation to be the woman I'm not. Now if only I didn't get reminded so frequently that I am "Ms. Ellen" or Ma'am, or Miss, or whatever. That will change with time, I hope! But, those are the joys of small town Southern living!
In other news, school is getting ready to start in 2 weeks. I'm still working out the kinks with financial aid, but hopefully it will work out so that I have something to live on and can pay some of my bills. I should get to meet with the director of grad admissions for the MSW program at Radford U next week (I haven't heard back about a particular time), but I'm super psyched about the opportunity to go impress someone and convince them that they can't live without me in their program (okay, so a bit optimistic on my part! But hey!)
Also, had a trip to the doctor in Fishersville yesterday. Apparently my transition is going well, however, my triglycerides are through the roof, which is likely to do more with my hot dog , doughnut and soda diet that I have had to survive on over the past 2 months or so. Hopefully I can get a better diet going with the financial aid money. Sadly, I found out that my doctor is leaving general practice, so I have to find someone new that will prescribe my Testosterone injections. Any suggestions?
Prior to finding that out I was lamenting about the lack of resources in general for transgender people in rural areas, particularly SW VA. I was having strong desires to pack up my stuff and move back to Seattle where life would be easier, where I wouldn't be so 'alone', where resources are plentiful, etc. But then it occurred to me, maybe this is why I'm back in Floyd! Maybe I need to work on making this a better, safer, more knowledgeable place for transgender people. I mean, there really isn't much in the line of resources for gay people, but it is a heck of a lot easier to find queer support than it is trans support ANYWHERE in the US, but particularly in rural areas. The fact that I have to drive 2.5 hours to see a doctor to get a hormone prescription is bad, but there are other people who have to travel much further. I know of one therapist in the area who see's trans patients. But, as I learned working for the census last summer, SW VA is a very vast area that is so spread out it is difficult to get resources to a lot of places. I find it disgraceful that the largest city in the area doesn't have 1 doctor that is willing to see FTM patients! Even with a college town less than an hour away, there is little support for the trans community. Maybe I will become an activist in the second half of my life. I still have to figure out how!
Lastly, I think I should say that my job is going really well. I work with an amazingly wonderful group of people and I'm so thankful that they are part of my life. Despite the fact that my inner monologue usually berates me for 'working in a gas station, what will the other people think? You thought you were above this, didn't you?' I really do enjoy the work. I'm getting used to the ever changing hours, the random waves of people that suddenly cause me to have stressfully long lines at my register, and the seemingly never ending lists of things to do.
Now, if I can just fix the random pain in my right side that I think is related to the marble sized kidney stone that has been around for at least 2 years, all will be good. Oh, and if I could happen to meet a couple more friends to hang out with and maybe a girlfriend, life would be spectacular!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
"You Must Be a Photograph not a Poem."
It's been a while since I've posted anything. I'm sorry about that. I shouldn't start a post with an apology, but there it is. I'd like to tell you that I've been so busy that I simply haven't had the time to write. The truth is, I haven't had the energy. I don't know if it is the T, or the heat, or me, but I'm so tired these days I barely have enough energy to get up for work. Oddly enough, I'm usually fine while I'm at work, but I come home and just crash. Maybe I need more caffeine, but that doesn't really seem to help. I'll give you the quick run down of the updates in life and then I'll actually write something from the heart.
Work is going well. For a person that doesn't smoke, or drink beer, or chew tobacco, a gas/convenience store can be a really tricky place. People ask for Camel Lites and I have no clue which pack they are talking about. The box doesn't say any more! But, I'm learning, slowly, but surely. Now if people could only remember to say that they want shorts or 100's, I'd be really good, but they almost never do. And what the hell is up with 99's and 72's (or is it 27's) Very confusing. Of course, I am also baffled as to why when you have a cooler stocked with 10 columns of Dr. Pepper 1 column can be almost totally empty, 2 columns are missing 2-3 and the rest are untouched. And the 1 column changes, so it isn't necessarily due to its location in the cooler. And this happens with all the beverages we sell. I think there is a psychology experiment in there somewhere!
Financially, I'm starting to get stuff worked out. I won't go into detail, but I think (hope and pray) that financial aid is in the last phases of being resolved and school should work out well for the Fall. I've decided to drop a couple of classes and stick with 9 credit hours. Should leave me plenty of time for work and give me a little extra financial aid for living expenses. Keep your fingers crossed. I need to seriously start working on my application to RU for next Fall. I'm worried, but optimistic.
Transitioning, nothing overly significant has changed. I'd love to tell you that my voice is stabilizing, but I'd be lying. I swear that two days ago I was back to my old voice, and then yesterday I was lower but with an odd electronic overtone to it (I swear I sound like a computer generated voice some days), Today it sounds vaguely normal as compared to the majority of days over the past month of so. I did come out to one of the girls I work with, she was fine with my transition and I love that. The folks I work with are really great and I feel like family there. And interestingly enough, during the last week I've gotten called sir about as many times as I've gotten called Ma'am, and that's even with a name tag that says Ellen, and a desperate need of a haircut (hopefully I can manage one of those either after the next paycheck or after financial aid gets figured out!) I might also be growing in facial hair a little faster, I shaved last Saturday, and I'm feeling a little bit of stubble today. (Yes, I know it has been almost a week, what can you do!?!) The hair is also still bright blonde, so it might as well be invisible.
Oh! Last weekend we had a reunion with all the people on my Dad's side of the family. I was rather nervous that there would be a lot of questions, and I would either be bombarded with attention, or completely ignored. Turns out that no one asked anything, and I was treated very much as I always have been. It was a good reunion as far as I was concerned. (It was also good to have a better variety of food to eat than doughnuts and hot dogs from work!)
That's it for updates. I've been reading again before bed, which is really good for me. I finally decided to open the cover on Jeanette Winterson's Written on the Body after it showed up as a recommended book for me to read on Amazon.com. It was one of the books that Mara gave me for Christmas, and the one book that I had wanted her to read to me. So, I was having a difficult time accepting that if I was ever going to read this book I was going to have to pick it up and turn the pages myself. I'll be honest, I found so much of my own story and my story with Mara between the covers of that book. I've been tempted to send it back to her with a note saying "you should read this, I think parts of it are about us". But, I won't. I won't tell you how it ends, or even much of the story line. All I can say is that as I was reading the night before last I found one single line that sums up my relationship with Mara.
"Now that I have lost you I cannot allow you to develop, you must be a photograph not a poem."
For me, Mara has become a photograph on my bedside table, when we were together she was a poem, a living breathing poem read to me nightly before we turned off the lights. She was poetry to me, new lines written daily as choices were made. Now the poem is silence, and all that is left is an image that I still can't get out of my head.
Work is going well. For a person that doesn't smoke, or drink beer, or chew tobacco, a gas/convenience store can be a really tricky place. People ask for Camel Lites and I have no clue which pack they are talking about. The box doesn't say any more! But, I'm learning, slowly, but surely. Now if people could only remember to say that they want shorts or 100's, I'd be really good, but they almost never do. And what the hell is up with 99's and 72's (or is it 27's) Very confusing. Of course, I am also baffled as to why when you have a cooler stocked with 10 columns of Dr. Pepper 1 column can be almost totally empty, 2 columns are missing 2-3 and the rest are untouched. And the 1 column changes, so it isn't necessarily due to its location in the cooler. And this happens with all the beverages we sell. I think there is a psychology experiment in there somewhere!
Financially, I'm starting to get stuff worked out. I won't go into detail, but I think (hope and pray) that financial aid is in the last phases of being resolved and school should work out well for the Fall. I've decided to drop a couple of classes and stick with 9 credit hours. Should leave me plenty of time for work and give me a little extra financial aid for living expenses. Keep your fingers crossed. I need to seriously start working on my application to RU for next Fall. I'm worried, but optimistic.
Transitioning, nothing overly significant has changed. I'd love to tell you that my voice is stabilizing, but I'd be lying. I swear that two days ago I was back to my old voice, and then yesterday I was lower but with an odd electronic overtone to it (I swear I sound like a computer generated voice some days), Today it sounds vaguely normal as compared to the majority of days over the past month of so. I did come out to one of the girls I work with, she was fine with my transition and I love that. The folks I work with are really great and I feel like family there. And interestingly enough, during the last week I've gotten called sir about as many times as I've gotten called Ma'am, and that's even with a name tag that says Ellen, and a desperate need of a haircut (hopefully I can manage one of those either after the next paycheck or after financial aid gets figured out!) I might also be growing in facial hair a little faster, I shaved last Saturday, and I'm feeling a little bit of stubble today. (Yes, I know it has been almost a week, what can you do!?!) The hair is also still bright blonde, so it might as well be invisible.
Oh! Last weekend we had a reunion with all the people on my Dad's side of the family. I was rather nervous that there would be a lot of questions, and I would either be bombarded with attention, or completely ignored. Turns out that no one asked anything, and I was treated very much as I always have been. It was a good reunion as far as I was concerned. (It was also good to have a better variety of food to eat than doughnuts and hot dogs from work!)
That's it for updates. I've been reading again before bed, which is really good for me. I finally decided to open the cover on Jeanette Winterson's Written on the Body after it showed up as a recommended book for me to read on Amazon.com. It was one of the books that Mara gave me for Christmas, and the one book that I had wanted her to read to me. So, I was having a difficult time accepting that if I was ever going to read this book I was going to have to pick it up and turn the pages myself. I'll be honest, I found so much of my own story and my story with Mara between the covers of that book. I've been tempted to send it back to her with a note saying "you should read this, I think parts of it are about us". But, I won't. I won't tell you how it ends, or even much of the story line. All I can say is that as I was reading the night before last I found one single line that sums up my relationship with Mara.
"Now that I have lost you I cannot allow you to develop, you must be a photograph not a poem."
For me, Mara has become a photograph on my bedside table, when we were together she was a poem, a living breathing poem read to me nightly before we turned off the lights. She was poetry to me, new lines written daily as choices were made. Now the poem is silence, and all that is left is an image that I still can't get out of my head.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Change and the absence of Change
I think my voice is finding its comfortable spot somewhere in the Baritone range, although it frequently pops up into squeaky tenor and sometimes alto range. It's funny.
I had thought that my periods had quit, but perhaps not. I'm not happy.
Started a new job on Saturday, it may eventually pay the bills, but its going to take awhile. I'm kind of enjoying it, although there is a lot to learn. Wish me luck. Also have resume's out for some other positions, so keep your fingers crossed.
I had thought that my periods had quit, but perhaps not. I'm not happy.
Started a new job on Saturday, it may eventually pay the bills, but its going to take awhile. I'm kind of enjoying it, although there is a lot to learn. Wish me luck. Also have resume's out for some other positions, so keep your fingers crossed.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Decisions
Right now my life is just a series of potentially life altering decisions. I have two job opportunities, they would both pay the same, are both a relatively short commute and would be good. One is in a field I know and love, but would be less flexible for classes, the other has the potential to suck but would probably be more flexible. Which do I choose?
Then we have school. I could try to get accepted to USC's online program for a MSW to start this fall. Then it wouldn't matter as much that my hours are less flexible. But, I've already signed up for classes at VT and some of them really have my love and attention. There is no way I can do both (just don't have the money or the time).
I have a webinar to answer questions about USC later today, I should probably go and take my pee test for work, but I think I can push that until tomorrow and be fine. If the webinar answers my questions about how the courses are run, how they are graded, etc. I may try to get in for starting in October. It would make it so I would be finished earlier. Then I could try to get the other position that isn't a sure thing, but I know I would enjoy. If the webinar makes the whole online MSW thing seem like pure insanity, then I take the sure thing, go pee in a cup tomorrow and hope for the best.
In the mean time I have to find the energy to clean the kitchen before it is declared a hazardous waste zone and condemned. The rest of the house also needs an overhaul, but is less urgent.
It also seems that there may be a possibility that I can clear up the 'unofficial withdrawal' from VT without having to pay anything, or at least without having to pay as much. Keep your fingers crossed, I'll find out in July.
Now I just have to find money to eat and we'll be good.
Then we have school. I could try to get accepted to USC's online program for a MSW to start this fall. Then it wouldn't matter as much that my hours are less flexible. But, I've already signed up for classes at VT and some of them really have my love and attention. There is no way I can do both (just don't have the money or the time).
I have a webinar to answer questions about USC later today, I should probably go and take my pee test for work, but I think I can push that until tomorrow and be fine. If the webinar answers my questions about how the courses are run, how they are graded, etc. I may try to get in for starting in October. It would make it so I would be finished earlier. Then I could try to get the other position that isn't a sure thing, but I know I would enjoy. If the webinar makes the whole online MSW thing seem like pure insanity, then I take the sure thing, go pee in a cup tomorrow and hope for the best.
In the mean time I have to find the energy to clean the kitchen before it is declared a hazardous waste zone and condemned. The rest of the house also needs an overhaul, but is less urgent.
It also seems that there may be a possibility that I can clear up the 'unofficial withdrawal' from VT without having to pay anything, or at least without having to pay as much. Keep your fingers crossed, I'll find out in July.
Now I just have to find money to eat and we'll be good.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Planning for the Future
Well, I've played around with my schedule for classes and I'm now listed as taking 15 hours of classes, i.e a very full load. I may still make some changes before the semester begins. This includes Russian language, psychology, Russian History (which I may make P/F or Audit), and a Women's and Gender Studies class.
I also have downloaded all the forms to apply to Grad School at RU in Social Work. I'm also contemplating apply to UW, but it looks really competitive, and also to USC's online program. I don't plan on actually starting my grad degree until Fall 2012. Applications aren't accepted at RU until November 1, but I might as well get started before classes start.
So, wish me luck, and if you have any feedback on MSW programs or schools, I'd love to hear it.
I also have downloaded all the forms to apply to Grad School at RU in Social Work. I'm also contemplating apply to UW, but it looks really competitive, and also to USC's online program. I don't plan on actually starting my grad degree until Fall 2012. Applications aren't accepted at RU until November 1, but I might as well get started before classes start.
So, wish me luck, and if you have any feedback on MSW programs or schools, I'd love to hear it.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Irrational Fears and horoscope
Why am I afraid to start shaving? Why?
Libra Horoscope for week of June 23, 2011
"Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on," wrote author Samuel Butler. Ain't that the truth! You may be practicing as diligently as you can, gradually trying to master your complex instrument, but in the meantime your lack of expertise is plainly visible to anyone who's paying close attention. Luckily, not too many people pay really close attention, which gives you a significant amount of slack. Now and then, too, you have growth spurts -- phases when your skills suddenly leap to a higher octave. The coming weeks should be one of these times for you, Libra.
Libra Horoscope for week of June 23, 2011
"Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on," wrote author Samuel Butler. Ain't that the truth! You may be practicing as diligently as you can, gradually trying to master your complex instrument, but in the meantime your lack of expertise is plainly visible to anyone who's paying close attention. Luckily, not too many people pay really close attention, which gives you a significant amount of slack. Now and then, too, you have growth spurts -- phases when your skills suddenly leap to a higher octave. The coming weeks should be one of these times for you, Libra.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Its all about growth and change and new understandings
I've been hinting for a while now that I've had a lot of stuff running through my head that I would be writing about soon. Well, the time has come.
As if you couldn't have guessed, my life has been in a state of serious flux this entire year. The road has been rocky at some points, remarkably smooth at others, and a confusing mess of interchanges from time to time. The big ol' depression that rocked my world this winter seems to be holding itself at bay, but has had ripple effects throughout my life. It was the catalyst for transitioning, because I finally understood that unless my body changed my mind was going to keep going through depression after depression until I got the message. What I didn't realize were the other aspects of my life that might also be called into question as a result. Everything from school to work to love to sex, all aspects of me are going through Q & A sessions to find out what really fits. And I'm coming up with conclusions and answers that I never imagined would sit comfortably with me. I was born and raised in a small rural community that is predominantly Baptist or Brethern, meaning rather conservative. Because of this there are always certain things about 'the wild side' that scared the crap out of me. Nakedness, drugs, pornography, and even sex. There were things in this world that I just didn't want to know anything about. I couldn't imagine being naked with a group of people, maybe that comes from having been chewed out for an hour when I was like 8 for skinny dipping with a co-ed group of people, maybe it had to do with the fact that I was so body conscious that I didn't want anyone to see my body. Lets face it, I got dressed and undressed in my sleeping bag at summer camp, I avoided public showers, and I just really didn't want anyone to see me naked. Suddenly, the thought of being naked in public doesn't bother me, even though my body really hasn't changed.
I was also rather dogmatic about drugs. No drugs, not now, not ever. Didn't want to date anyone who did drugs. Had a strict drug free policy with people I was dating. Now, I'm not so sure. Given the right time and place and the security of people of I trust, I might consider it. Not that I'm thinking of hitting the crack pipe or doing anything extremely scary, but pot, ecstacy, might not be so bad to try just once or twice.
And then there is porn. Okay, it never did anything for me, so I couldn't imagine watching it. However, now that I have the sex drive of a 13 yo, I find it 'stimulating' (he says tongue in cheek). I prefer less stupid porn, and I don't know if that variety actually exists. Something with a real plot, good dialog, AND erotic images would be very nice. I don't think that actually exists, so if anyone has recommendations, feel free to send them my way!
And then there is sex. I always imagined sex was a one on one thing and that was all that was necessary. That is changing too. I'm starting to actually figure out masturbation (go ahead and laugh, but I never masturbated as a teen or an adult, even during the 5 year dry spell on sex! I never knew how and it never worked for me) So, I'm learning. I'm missing having a partner, because I enjoy giving pleasure as much as I currently want it! But, one of the things I would never have considered growing up was having sex with more than one person at a time, or being in a multi-person relationship. Now, I'd consider it, just to see if it works for me. My hunch is that it won't, but I'm still curious.
But the physical/sexual changes aren't the only changes. I'm starting to get in touch with some indicators on what I think I should be doing with my life. I'm investigating counseling, social work or psychology as a career. Which means more school, but I'm cool with that. I don't know if a Masters will do, or if I'll need to get a PhD. I see myself working with LGBT youth and adults who are struggling to come to terms with their identity. The other thought that has been very prominent is that I need to work with the Russian LGBT movement. There are enough people in the US to fight for the rights of LGBT individuals. In Russia there aren't that many and they are afraid (not all, but I don't blame the ones that are). I've never in my life thought of becoming an activist on any issue. I'm generally content on maintaining the status quo, and making small changes in my own life that I hope will affect others positively. So, what is going on in my head that suddenly wants to make me jump on a plane to Moscow and try to save Gay Pride and start a trans movement? Where is this coming from?
It would be so easy to just blame it all on the T, but there is more to it than that. I think my relationship with Mara really opened up my mind in a lot of ways. I just couldn't see it when we were together. She unlocked the doors to the 'scary parts' of me, and then the T just shook them open. Its a good thing, its just kind of rocking my world at the moment.
I know that if I end of going to Russia to "save the world" then it is probably a good indicator that my relationship with Mara is never going to re-happen. Its probably not going to re-happen again anyway. That does leave me rather worried that there will never be someone else that can love me for who I am, body, mind and soul. But a quote I recently heard on a tv show said "People don't fall in love with genitalia, they fall in love with people" (or something to that effect). I just need to get out there and find some people. I'm lonely. I have a huge back yard, a grill and four chairs to sit in outside. I have a big screen tv, and a lot of movies to watch. I have board games and card games and a desire to play them with people who interest me. I even like to cook sometimes, but not often. I'm looking for conversation, and flirting and fun. So, if you know anyone, send them my way.
I think that is about it for now. I have a lot of stuff I need to do, like find a new job, fill out some papers to keep from having to re-pay my student loans before school starts again, try to get more unemployment, in case I can't find a job, that sort of thing. I'm searching personals on Zoosk (not much there for SW VA) and also in Russia (the whole of Russia), but I haven't got the money to invest in online dating subscriptions. Still have to figure out how I'm going to pay for an upcoming Dr visit (in August), and blood work in July. DONATIONS ARE APPRECIATED!!
As if you couldn't have guessed, my life has been in a state of serious flux this entire year. The road has been rocky at some points, remarkably smooth at others, and a confusing mess of interchanges from time to time. The big ol' depression that rocked my world this winter seems to be holding itself at bay, but has had ripple effects throughout my life. It was the catalyst for transitioning, because I finally understood that unless my body changed my mind was going to keep going through depression after depression until I got the message. What I didn't realize were the other aspects of my life that might also be called into question as a result. Everything from school to work to love to sex, all aspects of me are going through Q & A sessions to find out what really fits. And I'm coming up with conclusions and answers that I never imagined would sit comfortably with me. I was born and raised in a small rural community that is predominantly Baptist or Brethern, meaning rather conservative. Because of this there are always certain things about 'the wild side' that scared the crap out of me. Nakedness, drugs, pornography, and even sex. There were things in this world that I just didn't want to know anything about. I couldn't imagine being naked with a group of people, maybe that comes from having been chewed out for an hour when I was like 8 for skinny dipping with a co-ed group of people, maybe it had to do with the fact that I was so body conscious that I didn't want anyone to see my body. Lets face it, I got dressed and undressed in my sleeping bag at summer camp, I avoided public showers, and I just really didn't want anyone to see me naked. Suddenly, the thought of being naked in public doesn't bother me, even though my body really hasn't changed.
I was also rather dogmatic about drugs. No drugs, not now, not ever. Didn't want to date anyone who did drugs. Had a strict drug free policy with people I was dating. Now, I'm not so sure. Given the right time and place and the security of people of I trust, I might consider it. Not that I'm thinking of hitting the crack pipe or doing anything extremely scary, but pot, ecstacy, might not be so bad to try just once or twice.
And then there is porn. Okay, it never did anything for me, so I couldn't imagine watching it. However, now that I have the sex drive of a 13 yo, I find it 'stimulating' (he says tongue in cheek). I prefer less stupid porn, and I don't know if that variety actually exists. Something with a real plot, good dialog, AND erotic images would be very nice. I don't think that actually exists, so if anyone has recommendations, feel free to send them my way!
And then there is sex. I always imagined sex was a one on one thing and that was all that was necessary. That is changing too. I'm starting to actually figure out masturbation (go ahead and laugh, but I never masturbated as a teen or an adult, even during the 5 year dry spell on sex! I never knew how and it never worked for me) So, I'm learning. I'm missing having a partner, because I enjoy giving pleasure as much as I currently want it! But, one of the things I would never have considered growing up was having sex with more than one person at a time, or being in a multi-person relationship. Now, I'd consider it, just to see if it works for me. My hunch is that it won't, but I'm still curious.
But the physical/sexual changes aren't the only changes. I'm starting to get in touch with some indicators on what I think I should be doing with my life. I'm investigating counseling, social work or psychology as a career. Which means more school, but I'm cool with that. I don't know if a Masters will do, or if I'll need to get a PhD. I see myself working with LGBT youth and adults who are struggling to come to terms with their identity. The other thought that has been very prominent is that I need to work with the Russian LGBT movement. There are enough people in the US to fight for the rights of LGBT individuals. In Russia there aren't that many and they are afraid (not all, but I don't blame the ones that are). I've never in my life thought of becoming an activist on any issue. I'm generally content on maintaining the status quo, and making small changes in my own life that I hope will affect others positively. So, what is going on in my head that suddenly wants to make me jump on a plane to Moscow and try to save Gay Pride and start a trans movement? Where is this coming from?
It would be so easy to just blame it all on the T, but there is more to it than that. I think my relationship with Mara really opened up my mind in a lot of ways. I just couldn't see it when we were together. She unlocked the doors to the 'scary parts' of me, and then the T just shook them open. Its a good thing, its just kind of rocking my world at the moment.
I know that if I end of going to Russia to "save the world" then it is probably a good indicator that my relationship with Mara is never going to re-happen. Its probably not going to re-happen again anyway. That does leave me rather worried that there will never be someone else that can love me for who I am, body, mind and soul. But a quote I recently heard on a tv show said "People don't fall in love with genitalia, they fall in love with people" (or something to that effect). I just need to get out there and find some people. I'm lonely. I have a huge back yard, a grill and four chairs to sit in outside. I have a big screen tv, and a lot of movies to watch. I have board games and card games and a desire to play them with people who interest me. I even like to cook sometimes, but not often. I'm looking for conversation, and flirting and fun. So, if you know anyone, send them my way.
I think that is about it for now. I have a lot of stuff I need to do, like find a new job, fill out some papers to keep from having to re-pay my student loans before school starts again, try to get more unemployment, in case I can't find a job, that sort of thing. I'm searching personals on Zoosk (not much there for SW VA) and also in Russia (the whole of Russia), but I haven't got the money to invest in online dating subscriptions. Still have to figure out how I'm going to pay for an upcoming Dr visit (in August), and blood work in July. DONATIONS ARE APPRECIATED!!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
lots of thoughts
running through my head. Need to get them in order before I start writing. The past week has been a time of gaining great clarity about some things and finding that my points of view and my acceptance level has shifted. I'll try to explain some of that in my next post.
Its all good. :)
Its all good. :)
Monday, June 13, 2011
Thinking things through in front of the world
One of my friends recently posted, or perhaps I just read somewhere that due to FB, Myspace, etc we are losing the concept of what privacy really means. I know that I have regularly been told that I should watch what I post on FB because you never know who might be reading it. The thing is, I don't care who is reading it because I usually don't believe anyone is reading what I post. Occasionally I will get a like or a comment, but not all that often. And when it comes to what I blog here, I'm fairly certain that almost no one reads it. But, I'm okay with that. This is where I think. I throw my words out here for the world to see and give me feedback if they so desire. I put my experiences out here so that perhaps others can learn from my life, or see me in a different light than they once did. That's why I post. That's why I write. That's why I wish I had more people in my life that I talk to on a regular basis (then I wouldn't share so much, or maybe I would, I don't know)
Anyway....I'm at one of those pivotal life interchanges where there are so many roads branching off and it feels like I need to make a million decisions (or at least one decision) immediately or I'm just going to end up on the same path forever. I know it isn't true, but that is how it feels at times. Right now, I'm having mom issues. She loves me and she is worried about me and I respect that, I also feel like she is a little too close in my life right now. I want space to figure things out and I don't know how to ask for it without hurting her feelings. So, I'm thinking about whether or not I want to stay in Floyd. I honestly don't have the means to make ANY sort of move right now, but part of me is feeling the urge to head back to the Pacific Northwest. It felt as much like home there as it ever has here. Don't misunderstand, I love living here in Floyd, and I think there are reasons why I'm here, but I don't think I'll end up staying. Part of me wonders if I'm not staying because I know if I leave there might never be another chance for Mara and I. Maybe I have to leave for there to be a chance. Who knows? So, that's one of the intersections Where to live?
The next would be What to do? I know I need to find a job of some sort pretty darn soon. But, I'm hesitant to take the job down the hill only to possibly find something else in a few weeks that I really want to do and then leave family in the lurch because I'm going to take care of me. That seems wrong. But, I need a pay check, so I don't know.
Part two of that is trying to figure out what I want to do for the LONG TERM. What do I want to be when I grow up? Right now, I'm seriously wrestling between being a Vet Tech, which I know I love, but has little prospect for a bright financial future, and a serious ceiling on how high I can climb and going into counseling (meaning me as the counselor, I'm already in counseling as the patient!) Becoming a counselor has been on my list of career possibilities for 20 years. I just never really knew how to go about getting started, and the one time I tried life got in the way. But, what if neither is the right path for me? What if I go to school for another 3 years, end up $50K in debt with student loans and still can only find a job making $8/hr? What then?
Then I wonder if I'm going to be doing all of this alone forever? I mean, its a valid fear. I don't know how to go about telling someone that I'm interested in that I'm trans, although I told Mara during our first lunch together, the fact was that I wasn't transitioning. Now, I am. At some point I'll stop looking like a woman, how am I going to attract a beautiful lesbian into my arms if I look like a man? (yes, I thought of this before I started transitioning, and no, it didn't stop me!) Being that I can't even find a lesbian to date here in Floyd maybe the possibility of moving back West makes more sense if I don't want to be alone. Although, damn it, I still believe in possibilities.
Then of course, we hit the intersection of How am I going to do any of these things? And that is really where I get stuck, because I don't know. A friend told me last night that I'll never get anywhere without a solid goal that I can visualize. I don't know that I have a goal, or perhaps I have too many goals and I can't pick just one. I don't know where the money is going to come from. I don't know where the time will come from for classes depending on the job that I have (I'm assuming that I WILL have a job by September!)
Mostly, right now, I'm thinking about the where. I miss the beauty of Seattle. I miss the people of Seattle. I miss the possibilities of Seattle. I was reminded today that when I left Seattle that I stated it was because "I didn't feel like I belonged there" Maybe I don't belong anywhere. Maybe I needed to be here in order to learn something about myself that will allow me to belong somewhere, with someone, doing something that I love. I'm just going to keep believing that until I get a clearer picture of my goal. Right now, I can see the sun setting over the Olympic mountains across the Puget Sound. I'm on the viaduct heading North, the windows in the car are down and I can smell the fish air rising up from below. The city is quiet for a city, and twinkling in the sunlight reflections on the mirrored windows of the sky scrapers. In the rear view mirror I can see Mt. Rainier glowing in pink radiance as the clouds float by and the moon rises to the East. The air is cool and refreshing, and all I can think of is "I live in the most beautiful place on Earth, how lucky I am to be here."
Anyway....I'm at one of those pivotal life interchanges where there are so many roads branching off and it feels like I need to make a million decisions (or at least one decision) immediately or I'm just going to end up on the same path forever. I know it isn't true, but that is how it feels at times. Right now, I'm having mom issues. She loves me and she is worried about me and I respect that, I also feel like she is a little too close in my life right now. I want space to figure things out and I don't know how to ask for it without hurting her feelings. So, I'm thinking about whether or not I want to stay in Floyd. I honestly don't have the means to make ANY sort of move right now, but part of me is feeling the urge to head back to the Pacific Northwest. It felt as much like home there as it ever has here. Don't misunderstand, I love living here in Floyd, and I think there are reasons why I'm here, but I don't think I'll end up staying. Part of me wonders if I'm not staying because I know if I leave there might never be another chance for Mara and I. Maybe I have to leave for there to be a chance. Who knows? So, that's one of the intersections Where to live?
The next would be What to do? I know I need to find a job of some sort pretty darn soon. But, I'm hesitant to take the job down the hill only to possibly find something else in a few weeks that I really want to do and then leave family in the lurch because I'm going to take care of me. That seems wrong. But, I need a pay check, so I don't know.
Part two of that is trying to figure out what I want to do for the LONG TERM. What do I want to be when I grow up? Right now, I'm seriously wrestling between being a Vet Tech, which I know I love, but has little prospect for a bright financial future, and a serious ceiling on how high I can climb and going into counseling (meaning me as the counselor, I'm already in counseling as the patient!) Becoming a counselor has been on my list of career possibilities for 20 years. I just never really knew how to go about getting started, and the one time I tried life got in the way. But, what if neither is the right path for me? What if I go to school for another 3 years, end up $50K in debt with student loans and still can only find a job making $8/hr? What then?
Then I wonder if I'm going to be doing all of this alone forever? I mean, its a valid fear. I don't know how to go about telling someone that I'm interested in that I'm trans, although I told Mara during our first lunch together, the fact was that I wasn't transitioning. Now, I am. At some point I'll stop looking like a woman, how am I going to attract a beautiful lesbian into my arms if I look like a man? (yes, I thought of this before I started transitioning, and no, it didn't stop me!) Being that I can't even find a lesbian to date here in Floyd maybe the possibility of moving back West makes more sense if I don't want to be alone. Although, damn it, I still believe in possibilities.
Then of course, we hit the intersection of How am I going to do any of these things? And that is really where I get stuck, because I don't know. A friend told me last night that I'll never get anywhere without a solid goal that I can visualize. I don't know that I have a goal, or perhaps I have too many goals and I can't pick just one. I don't know where the money is going to come from. I don't know where the time will come from for classes depending on the job that I have (I'm assuming that I WILL have a job by September!)
Mostly, right now, I'm thinking about the where. I miss the beauty of Seattle. I miss the people of Seattle. I miss the possibilities of Seattle. I was reminded today that when I left Seattle that I stated it was because "I didn't feel like I belonged there" Maybe I don't belong anywhere. Maybe I needed to be here in order to learn something about myself that will allow me to belong somewhere, with someone, doing something that I love. I'm just going to keep believing that until I get a clearer picture of my goal. Right now, I can see the sun setting over the Olympic mountains across the Puget Sound. I'm on the viaduct heading North, the windows in the car are down and I can smell the fish air rising up from below. The city is quiet for a city, and twinkling in the sunlight reflections on the mirrored windows of the sky scrapers. In the rear view mirror I can see Mt. Rainier glowing in pink radiance as the clouds float by and the moon rises to the East. The air is cool and refreshing, and all I can think of is "I live in the most beautiful place on Earth, how lucky I am to be here."
Special Request!
I applied for a really AWESOME sounding position (well, not that awesome, but definitely a foot in the door doing something that I may want to do forever) this morning. So, say a prayer, keep your fingers crossed, burn a candle, or whatever you believe in to send some good luck and happy vibes my way for this thing. I'd greatly appreciate it!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
ch ch ch changes!
After two days (more if I'm honest) of agonizing decision making, I've decided to quit the job at the big box home improvement store. I was not meant to work outside in the summer heat in SW VA. Lets face it, it was a bad idea on my part. I thought I could handle it, I was wrong. Now I just have to figure out what is next and make it happen. Not at all certain how I'm going to manage that financially, but we'll see.
In other news, I had shot #5 of T on Friday. I think I may have mentioned that already. It hurt, but oh well. My voice has deepened a lot since I started, which is cool. The doctor wasn't all that optimistic that it would drop so low since I'm older (i.e. not in my 20's any more). I also think that my hips and thighs are getting smaller, but I can't say that for certain. I'll have to try on some once tight pants to find out. The acne on my chest is clearing up, or seems to be any way. Hopefully it will stay gone. I have a fair amount of blonde hair on my upper lip, and the beginnings of a soul patch. Seeing one or two whiskers on the chin too (I think). Admittedly, I'm a little nervous about shaving. This seems a bit weird to me since I practiced shaving my face a lot when I was a little kid. I was always using dad's razor (blade-less) and lots of shaving cream, but that was then, this is now. Also, I do have to embarrassingly admit that my sex drive has started to soar. I thought I missed having a girlfriend before, well, I miss having one worse now. But, I'm learning to cope (blush).
I, sadly, am also still really really tired. But I think that may be more a factor of heat exhaustion from work, than from the hormones. Who knows?
Anyway....I'll be thinking about what else I can share and posting more soon.
In other news, I had shot #5 of T on Friday. I think I may have mentioned that already. It hurt, but oh well. My voice has deepened a lot since I started, which is cool. The doctor wasn't all that optimistic that it would drop so low since I'm older (i.e. not in my 20's any more). I also think that my hips and thighs are getting smaller, but I can't say that for certain. I'll have to try on some once tight pants to find out. The acne on my chest is clearing up, or seems to be any way. Hopefully it will stay gone. I have a fair amount of blonde hair on my upper lip, and the beginnings of a soul patch. Seeing one or two whiskers on the chin too (I think). Admittedly, I'm a little nervous about shaving. This seems a bit weird to me since I practiced shaving my face a lot when I was a little kid. I was always using dad's razor (blade-less) and lots of shaving cream, but that was then, this is now. Also, I do have to embarrassingly admit that my sex drive has started to soar. I thought I missed having a girlfriend before, well, I miss having one worse now. But, I'm learning to cope (blush).
I, sadly, am also still really really tired. But I think that may be more a factor of heat exhaustion from work, than from the hormones. Who knows?
Anyway....I'll be thinking about what else I can share and posting more soon.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Just a few little things
The new job has been keeping me really busy, bored and more than a little sick. I actually called in today because I just didn't think it was a good idea for me to go in. My digestive system really doesn't respond well to high temperatures. I'll leave it at that, use your imagination if you need to.
Aside from that, I'm working on finding a new improved job with less direct sunlight and more air conditioning. I'll keep you posted.
Shot #5 went in yesterday. It was pretty painful, still don't know why. Doing better now.
Beyond that, not much going on. I'll update more soon. Try to do some writing (maybe later today depending on how I'm feeling). Its time for some soul searching.
Aside from that, I'm working on finding a new improved job with less direct sunlight and more air conditioning. I'll keep you posted.
Shot #5 went in yesterday. It was pretty painful, still don't know why. Doing better now.
Beyond that, not much going on. I'll update more soon. Try to do some writing (maybe later today depending on how I'm feeling). Its time for some soul searching.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
bits and pieces
Having received zero comments on my last post I'm assuming that means no one cares if my posts are a bit racy, so be warned they will be coming.
Secondly, I don't like my new job. If anyone knows of anything else that I can do that pays just a little above minimum wage (or preferably much more than minimum wage), Please let me know how to apply.
Thirdly, I think I can safely say that I have achieved hair growth. My upper lip definitely has the beginnings of a nice blonde mustache, and I also have the start of a soul patch under the lower lip (cool, except I was never fond of them). And I definitely have more hair in my armpits than ever before (of course since for 40 years I only had about 3 hairs each pit, anything is more) and I think my leg hair is getting heavier.
Fourth, voice can't make up its mind.
Fifth, my period seems to be thinking about it again! DAMN
And I think that is all for the moment. I'll try to write something longer and more profound later today or tomorrow, since these are the last days I'll have off for the next 7. YUCK!
Secondly, I don't like my new job. If anyone knows of anything else that I can do that pays just a little above minimum wage (or preferably much more than minimum wage), Please let me know how to apply.
Thirdly, I think I can safely say that I have achieved hair growth. My upper lip definitely has the beginnings of a nice blonde mustache, and I also have the start of a soul patch under the lower lip (cool, except I was never fond of them). And I definitely have more hair in my armpits than ever before (of course since for 40 years I only had about 3 hairs each pit, anything is more) and I think my leg hair is getting heavier.
Fourth, voice can't make up its mind.
Fifth, my period seems to be thinking about it again! DAMN
And I think that is all for the moment. I'll try to write something longer and more profound later today or tomorrow, since these are the last days I'll have off for the next 7. YUCK!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Libra Horoscope for week of May 26, 2011
According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the longest love letter in history was written by an Indian man named Harish Kondakkuli. The gushing 143-page message took him over three months to complete. Oddly, it was addressed to an imaginary woman, since there was no one in his life he was actually in love with. I encourage you to consider the possibility of exceeding his achievement in the coming weeks, Libra. You're at the peak of your ability to express wickedly delicious passions and profoundly tender intentions. There may even be a real person, not an imaginary one, who warrants your extravagant outflow.
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
The German word selig can mean "ecstatic," "blessed," or "holy." It implies that profound bliss can be a divine gift; that deep pleasure may generate or come from spiritual inspiration.
The English language doesn't have a term comparable to selig, maybe because our culture regards ecstasy with suspicion. Religious people tend to believe that the blessed are those who are good and kind, certainly not those who are skilled at cultivating rapturous states. People who worship rationality, on the other hand, like intellectuals and scientists, often think of ecstasy as at best an irrelevant state, and at worst a nonproductive or deluded indulgence.
What would you have to do to place yourself in intimate alignment with the values embodied by the word selig?
(My answer. To find myself in intimate alignment with selig I would need to become more comfortable with my body. Find a way to stop the disconnect between my body, my brain and my ecstasy. That's something I'm working on. I want to find the way to unlock the door between my mental pleasure and my physical pleasure, and allow the two to exist simultaneously.)
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
The German word selig can mean "ecstatic," "blessed," or "holy." It implies that profound bliss can be a divine gift; that deep pleasure may generate or come from spiritual inspiration.
The English language doesn't have a term comparable to selig, maybe because our culture regards ecstasy with suspicion. Religious people tend to believe that the blessed are those who are good and kind, certainly not those who are skilled at cultivating rapturous states. People who worship rationality, on the other hand, like intellectuals and scientists, often think of ecstasy as at best an irrelevant state, and at worst a nonproductive or deluded indulgence.
What would you have to do to place yourself in intimate alignment with the values embodied by the word selig?
(My answer. To find myself in intimate alignment with selig I would need to become more comfortable with my body. Find a way to stop the disconnect between my body, my brain and my ecstasy. That's something I'm working on. I want to find the way to unlock the door between my mental pleasure and my physical pleasure, and allow the two to exist simultaneously.)
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