Yes, I know, I'm starting off another post with the sentence, It's been awhile, but.....
I can't believe that 2011 is now past tense. It doesn't seem possible that it could be a new year already. December was pretty difficult for me at times. A lot of it was school related, as I had lots of papers/projects/exams all due at the very end. I managed to pull out some decent grades, although not as good as I had hoped, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it will still be good enough to get me into grad school (keep your fingers crossed with me, okay?) But, there was some sadness in reliving memories from 2010, and finding it so difficult to believe that the joy and expectations I had for 2011 had all vanished from possibility as early as the end of January. It was like the hopes and dreams that I had had for Mara and I were a New Year's resolution that we gave up on after 3 weeks. Oh well, what's done is done, and can't be changed. I accept that, I'm moving on, but it does still mess with my head at times.
Otherwise, Christmas played its standard mind games with me, the dealing with family who really ONLY want to accept me as the "woman I was born to be", which is so inaccurate it is sometimes funny. But, it means facing the often times disappointing 'pretty' Christmas gifts with a smile on my face and a kind 'thank you' instead of expressing the internal "OMG, what were you thinking when you bought this? Do you even have a clue about who I am? You've known me for 41 years, what made you think I would like this?" Actually though, my mom did an acceptable job at purchasing me nearly gender appropriate clothing as gifts. Unfortunately, most of it was made to be warn when one is cold, and with the T, I really don't seem to get cold anymore! So, I may never wear them, but we'll see. Old Man Winter may get it cold enough for me to feel it at some point.
The holidays in general were rather uneventful. I spent most of my time working, trying to manage the pain from my kidney stones (yes, I now know that there are 2 of them, not just one), and attempting to stay a few steps ahead of the flu type ick that everyone else seemed to come down with. I am grateful that I only had a day or two that I felt 'fluish'.
So, now that January has begun, I should be doing something creative daily, as that was my goal for FloCoIMo (for those of you who don't know what that is, it is Floyd County Imagination Month, you can find out more about it at http://www.flocoimo.org ) But, I haven't done much of anything. Mostly because I have been busy with work, and partly because I still feel so much attachment to my ex through this. I messed with my head mightily to find that she had rewritten some of her poems from last year and effectively wrote me out of them. I guess I deserve it, or it is something she feels she needs to do. All I know is that it hurt a LOT more than I was expecting it to.
I'm also starting to wonder if perhaps my future might not lay far from Floyd. I work with some really great people, and I've met some awesome people via school and other associations, but I still feel like an outsider here. More and more I realize that there are people that I love and care about here that I can't be in contact with, or rather, I can contact them, they just won't answer. I effectively lost them in the divorce. And that saddens me, because I feel that it severely limits the possibilities that I have to grow, evolve and hopefully date while living here. Maybe I'm wrong and this feeling will pass. I'm not planning on leaving until I've managed to finish grad school, and since I have yet to be accepted, I that means at minimum 2 more years here. We'll see. As I once wrote for a status update "There are always more fish in the sea, but its far easier to catch them if you aren't fishing in a puddle" For what its worth, Floyd is a puddle when it comes to finding a transman accepting partner. And when OKCupid finds one possible match for you in a 50 mile radius, well, it makes you realize just how remote your chances are. I have met someone online though, she is really wonderful, but also very far away and our situations are complicated by more than just distance, but I won't go into that here.
Anyway..... speaking of grad school, I have an application to finish before classes start again. I also need to request transcripts from the 7 or so assorted schools that I have attended, and I desperately need to figure out who I'm going to use for references. That last part has me a bit worried. I'm hoping that I can think of 3 great people who can write great and glowing things about me. I really need someone in the field of Social Work that knows me and can speak to my abilities, I was going to use my sister-in-law, but I'm worried that there will be an issue with the fact that she is my sister-in-law. Opinions, recommendations and volunteers are requested for my referencing positions. Please note that I do need these to be professional references, so if you can say lovely and glowing things about me as a person and your friend, while I appreciate it, it isn't exactly what I need. But, send me an e-mail if you are interested and we'll discuss the possibility.
Classes start in just over a week. I can't wait! I'm taking some interesting classes and one of them is Weight Training, I'm hoping that will help me lose weight and also shape and tone my physique so that I can start passing more frequently as masculine. I'm still only passing at work maybe 50% of the time and that is a big maybe. I'm not certain what I am doing wrong, or if it is just that these people know me and therefore don't notice the changes (or refuse to see them). Although I think a haircut will help (I haven't had one since September!!!!!) And hopefully that will happen next week after I get my tuition money!
In other news, I'm going to start looking for another job. Odd as it seems, I do love what I do , where I work and the people I work with, but, I need more pay. I just don't make enough to make ends meet and that needs to stop ASAP. I'm so behind on my bills that I'm not sure what I'm going to do to get caught up. I'll get there eventually. So, anyone who would like to be a reference for me, again, let me know.
Lets see, not much else to discuss. Despite the lamenting the past that could not be my future, I'm actually rather upbeat and positive about things. I truly believe that I will get into grad school for the fall and that this semester will be my best ever at VT. I know a new job is just around the corner and life is going to get better. 2012 is full of possibilities and I'm going to take advantage of as many of them as are presented to me. Good things are coming my way!
Happy New Year to you all. I will keep you all posted on how things change, and I hopefully will get a picture taken AFTER the haircut (as right now it is driving me nuts and I can't stand the way it looks. Interestingly enough, its become curly! I think it is the T).
