"Two dangers threaten the universe: order and disorder," said poet Paul Valery. I think that's especially true for you right now, although the "danger" in question is psychological in nature, not physical, and it's a relatively manageable hazard that you shouldn't stay up all night worrying about. Still, the looming challenge to your poise is something that requires you to activate your deeper intelligence. You really do need to figure out how to weave a middle way between the extremes of seeking too much order and allowing too much disorder. What would Goldilocks do?
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Create a royal crown for yourself out of a shower cap, rubber bands, and light bulbs. Think of the last place on Earth you'd ever want to visit, and visualize yourself having fun there. Say these words and see how they feel: "Ever since I learned to see three sides to every story, I'm finding much better stories."
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*Gee Rob, are you trying to tell me I need to clean my house and get my life a little more messy?
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
New picture
Well, it has officially been 4 months on T, Apr 15 to Aug 15! Had lunch yesterday with a great bunch of guys in Roanoke and according to one of them I've changed a lot in those 4 months. He also told me it was time for a new picture. So here it is. I'd say it sucks, but it does look like me, so I'll go with it. I hate doing self-portraits, but sometimes you have to. I'll see if I can get some better pictures soon. Enjoy!
Changes that I can officially say have occurred in the past four months. My voice has dropped considerably. I am getting some hair growth on my face, mostly my upper lip. However, it is all very very blonde so you really can't see it. I do shave, just not very often. I swear I have more hair on my abdomen, but again, blonde. Alex claims my shoulders are broader and I look more buff, but I think he is just trying to make me feel good. My clothes fit differently, my belly seems bigger and my butt/hips feel a bit smaller. But, that's about it for the physical changes that I'm willing to list. Mentally, I feel so much more comfortable with myself, happier, at ease or at peace with things. Life feels good again, which is kind of a new thing for me. I haven't had any of the 'anger management' issues, for the most part I'm so much happier that I can almost blow off stuff that used to make me blow up. Its been pretty cool.
Now I just have to get back to having a better diet, lose some weight, work out once in awhile so I'll look good for my brother's wedding in October (on my 6 months anniversary!). I hope that the shirt I bought for the wedding back in May will actually fit me come October. I still need to find pants and shoes, plus get my cuff links made for the occasion. Wish me luck!
In other news, school starts in a week, Financial aid is still processing and I'm looking forward to it getting paid out. Life is getting busy again, but at least busy with structure, so I'm really looking forward to that.
Okay, g'night everyone. Hopefully later today will be a good day and I'll get to meet with admissions for RU for the MSW program. Keep your fingers crossed!
Changes that I can officially say have occurred in the past four months. My voice has dropped considerably. I am getting some hair growth on my face, mostly my upper lip. However, it is all very very blonde so you really can't see it. I do shave, just not very often. I swear I have more hair on my abdomen, but again, blonde. Alex claims my shoulders are broader and I look more buff, but I think he is just trying to make me feel good. My clothes fit differently, my belly seems bigger and my butt/hips feel a bit smaller. But, that's about it for the physical changes that I'm willing to list. Mentally, I feel so much more comfortable with myself, happier, at ease or at peace with things. Life feels good again, which is kind of a new thing for me. I haven't had any of the 'anger management' issues, for the most part I'm so much happier that I can almost blow off stuff that used to make me blow up. Its been pretty cool.
Now I just have to get back to having a better diet, lose some weight, work out once in awhile so I'll look good for my brother's wedding in October (on my 6 months anniversary!). I hope that the shirt I bought for the wedding back in May will actually fit me come October. I still need to find pants and shoes, plus get my cuff links made for the occasion. Wish me luck!
In other news, school starts in a week, Financial aid is still processing and I'm looking forward to it getting paid out. Life is getting busy again, but at least busy with structure, so I'm really looking forward to that.
Okay, g'night everyone. Hopefully later today will be a good day and I'll get to meet with admissions for RU for the MSW program. Keep your fingers crossed!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
What it means, part II
A couple of months ago I wrote a post called What it Means This is a continuation of that post.
Its been a day of pondering things. Little things and big things. While fixing dinner I thought about the summer camp I used to attend, and how I'll probably never be welcome to volunteer there again (at least not as a cabin counselor or a leader). You see, its a Christian camp, and while the Church of the Brethern believe that you love the sinner, hate the sin when it comes to gays, they also believe that as long as I was born with a vagina I'll be a woman, but I don't think they'll accept a bearded woman who answers to Aaron sleeping with a cabin full of young girls. Nor would they let me sleep with a cabin of young boys. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe I'm thinking too much about it. I just know I miss the place where I spent the happiest times of my youth. Although to be honest, it doesn't really resemble the place I remember any more. It has been modernized far beyond my comprehension. I mean, kids have cell phones now, when I was a camper we couldn't even have radios! Oh well.
On my walk with Taffy I started thinking about things I have learned about myself over the past 4 months. It still amazes me that its been 4 months since I started T! What I've learned is that for the first time in my life I actually feel comfortable with myself. I feel like I'm experiencing the wonders of my body coming of age for the first time. Puberty didn't feel like anything when I hit that age as a girl. I just tried to fake my way through it. Maybe that is why I felt like I never really grew up in some ways. Now I feel like things in my life are starting to take shape and make sense. It feels really good to be alive.
I also thought about what I wrote earlier in "What it means". While I still like what I wrote, I think there are a few things that I need to restate in a slightly different way. I'm not changing to become a man because I don't want to be a girl, or because I think that there is anything in this world that a woman can't become. It only has to do with the fact that I have never been a woman inside, and I've spent my life being dishonest to everyone around me by trying to be what they wanted to see. Now maybe if society in general, or my family and some of my friends in particular, didn't have such gender based stereotypes I wouldn't feel like I had to be something other than myself, but the fact is, I did.
I have also felt that people have wondered who I'm doing this for. Are you doing this to get Mara back? No. I'm not doing this for anyone except myself. The fact is I was completely convinced that by transitioning I would lose everyone that had been part of my life. I was totally shocked to find that I'm supported and loved by as many people as I am. I'm doing this transition for myself, so that I can be honest with myself and accepting of who I am. Truth is, I still feel isolated from much of the world at large, I feel as if I'm hiding, maybe out of fear, maybe because in some ways I'm still not sure. I don't know. But what is cool is that I feel that my relationships with people that know and are accepting are much more honest, real, open, etc than any I've known before. Which is an amazing feeling! I don't have to live up to some unspoken expectation to be the woman I'm not. Now if only I didn't get reminded so frequently that I am "Ms. Ellen" or Ma'am, or Miss, or whatever. That will change with time, I hope! But, those are the joys of small town Southern living!
In other news, school is getting ready to start in 2 weeks. I'm still working out the kinks with financial aid, but hopefully it will work out so that I have something to live on and can pay some of my bills. I should get to meet with the director of grad admissions for the MSW program at Radford U next week (I haven't heard back about a particular time), but I'm super psyched about the opportunity to go impress someone and convince them that they can't live without me in their program (okay, so a bit optimistic on my part! But hey!)
Also, had a trip to the doctor in Fishersville yesterday. Apparently my transition is going well, however, my triglycerides are through the roof, which is likely to do more with my hot dog , doughnut and soda diet that I have had to survive on over the past 2 months or so. Hopefully I can get a better diet going with the financial aid money. Sadly, I found out that my doctor is leaving general practice, so I have to find someone new that will prescribe my Testosterone injections. Any suggestions?
Prior to finding that out I was lamenting about the lack of resources in general for transgender people in rural areas, particularly SW VA. I was having strong desires to pack up my stuff and move back to Seattle where life would be easier, where I wouldn't be so 'alone', where resources are plentiful, etc. But then it occurred to me, maybe this is why I'm back in Floyd! Maybe I need to work on making this a better, safer, more knowledgeable place for transgender people. I mean, there really isn't much in the line of resources for gay people, but it is a heck of a lot easier to find queer support than it is trans support ANYWHERE in the US, but particularly in rural areas. The fact that I have to drive 2.5 hours to see a doctor to get a hormone prescription is bad, but there are other people who have to travel much further. I know of one therapist in the area who see's trans patients. But, as I learned working for the census last summer, SW VA is a very vast area that is so spread out it is difficult to get resources to a lot of places. I find it disgraceful that the largest city in the area doesn't have 1 doctor that is willing to see FTM patients! Even with a college town less than an hour away, there is little support for the trans community. Maybe I will become an activist in the second half of my life. I still have to figure out how!
Lastly, I think I should say that my job is going really well. I work with an amazingly wonderful group of people and I'm so thankful that they are part of my life. Despite the fact that my inner monologue usually berates me for 'working in a gas station, what will the other people think? You thought you were above this, didn't you?' I really do enjoy the work. I'm getting used to the ever changing hours, the random waves of people that suddenly cause me to have stressfully long lines at my register, and the seemingly never ending lists of things to do.
Now, if I can just fix the random pain in my right side that I think is related to the marble sized kidney stone that has been around for at least 2 years, all will be good. Oh, and if I could happen to meet a couple more friends to hang out with and maybe a girlfriend, life would be spectacular!
Its been a day of pondering things. Little things and big things. While fixing dinner I thought about the summer camp I used to attend, and how I'll probably never be welcome to volunteer there again (at least not as a cabin counselor or a leader). You see, its a Christian camp, and while the Church of the Brethern believe that you love the sinner, hate the sin when it comes to gays, they also believe that as long as I was born with a vagina I'll be a woman, but I don't think they'll accept a bearded woman who answers to Aaron sleeping with a cabin full of young girls. Nor would they let me sleep with a cabin of young boys. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe I'm thinking too much about it. I just know I miss the place where I spent the happiest times of my youth. Although to be honest, it doesn't really resemble the place I remember any more. It has been modernized far beyond my comprehension. I mean, kids have cell phones now, when I was a camper we couldn't even have radios! Oh well.
On my walk with Taffy I started thinking about things I have learned about myself over the past 4 months. It still amazes me that its been 4 months since I started T! What I've learned is that for the first time in my life I actually feel comfortable with myself. I feel like I'm experiencing the wonders of my body coming of age for the first time. Puberty didn't feel like anything when I hit that age as a girl. I just tried to fake my way through it. Maybe that is why I felt like I never really grew up in some ways. Now I feel like things in my life are starting to take shape and make sense. It feels really good to be alive.
I also thought about what I wrote earlier in "What it means". While I still like what I wrote, I think there are a few things that I need to restate in a slightly different way. I'm not changing to become a man because I don't want to be a girl, or because I think that there is anything in this world that a woman can't become. It only has to do with the fact that I have never been a woman inside, and I've spent my life being dishonest to everyone around me by trying to be what they wanted to see. Now maybe if society in general, or my family and some of my friends in particular, didn't have such gender based stereotypes I wouldn't feel like I had to be something other than myself, but the fact is, I did.
I have also felt that people have wondered who I'm doing this for. Are you doing this to get Mara back? No. I'm not doing this for anyone except myself. The fact is I was completely convinced that by transitioning I would lose everyone that had been part of my life. I was totally shocked to find that I'm supported and loved by as many people as I am. I'm doing this transition for myself, so that I can be honest with myself and accepting of who I am. Truth is, I still feel isolated from much of the world at large, I feel as if I'm hiding, maybe out of fear, maybe because in some ways I'm still not sure. I don't know. But what is cool is that I feel that my relationships with people that know and are accepting are much more honest, real, open, etc than any I've known before. Which is an amazing feeling! I don't have to live up to some unspoken expectation to be the woman I'm not. Now if only I didn't get reminded so frequently that I am "Ms. Ellen" or Ma'am, or Miss, or whatever. That will change with time, I hope! But, those are the joys of small town Southern living!
In other news, school is getting ready to start in 2 weeks. I'm still working out the kinks with financial aid, but hopefully it will work out so that I have something to live on and can pay some of my bills. I should get to meet with the director of grad admissions for the MSW program at Radford U next week (I haven't heard back about a particular time), but I'm super psyched about the opportunity to go impress someone and convince them that they can't live without me in their program (okay, so a bit optimistic on my part! But hey!)
Also, had a trip to the doctor in Fishersville yesterday. Apparently my transition is going well, however, my triglycerides are through the roof, which is likely to do more with my hot dog , doughnut and soda diet that I have had to survive on over the past 2 months or so. Hopefully I can get a better diet going with the financial aid money. Sadly, I found out that my doctor is leaving general practice, so I have to find someone new that will prescribe my Testosterone injections. Any suggestions?
Prior to finding that out I was lamenting about the lack of resources in general for transgender people in rural areas, particularly SW VA. I was having strong desires to pack up my stuff and move back to Seattle where life would be easier, where I wouldn't be so 'alone', where resources are plentiful, etc. But then it occurred to me, maybe this is why I'm back in Floyd! Maybe I need to work on making this a better, safer, more knowledgeable place for transgender people. I mean, there really isn't much in the line of resources for gay people, but it is a heck of a lot easier to find queer support than it is trans support ANYWHERE in the US, but particularly in rural areas. The fact that I have to drive 2.5 hours to see a doctor to get a hormone prescription is bad, but there are other people who have to travel much further. I know of one therapist in the area who see's trans patients. But, as I learned working for the census last summer, SW VA is a very vast area that is so spread out it is difficult to get resources to a lot of places. I find it disgraceful that the largest city in the area doesn't have 1 doctor that is willing to see FTM patients! Even with a college town less than an hour away, there is little support for the trans community. Maybe I will become an activist in the second half of my life. I still have to figure out how!
Lastly, I think I should say that my job is going really well. I work with an amazingly wonderful group of people and I'm so thankful that they are part of my life. Despite the fact that my inner monologue usually berates me for 'working in a gas station, what will the other people think? You thought you were above this, didn't you?' I really do enjoy the work. I'm getting used to the ever changing hours, the random waves of people that suddenly cause me to have stressfully long lines at my register, and the seemingly never ending lists of things to do.
Now, if I can just fix the random pain in my right side that I think is related to the marble sized kidney stone that has been around for at least 2 years, all will be good. Oh, and if I could happen to meet a couple more friends to hang out with and maybe a girlfriend, life would be spectacular!
Libra Horoscope for week of August 11, 2011
Where do you want to be at this time next year? What do you want to be doing? I encourage you to fantasize and scheme about these questions, and be alert for clues about possible prospects. Here's my reasoning, Libra: Some foreshadowings of your future life may soon float into view, including a far-off whisper or a glimpse of the horizon that will awaken some of your dormant yearnings. Don't make the mistake of thinking that these visions must be acted upon instantly. Instead, ruminate leisurely on them, regarding them as the early hints of potential long-range developments.
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Here are three of our deepest spiritual aspirations, which we invite you to steal for your own use: 1. to develop the capacity to thrive in the midst of raging contradictions; 2. to be discerning as we protect ourselves from people's flaws while at the same time being generous as we celebrate their beauty; 3. to refrain from dividing the world into two groups, those who help and agree with us and those who don't.
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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
Here are three of our deepest spiritual aspirations, which we invite you to steal for your own use: 1. to develop the capacity to thrive in the midst of raging contradictions; 2. to be discerning as we protect ourselves from people's flaws while at the same time being generous as we celebrate their beauty; 3. to refrain from dividing the world into two groups, those who help and agree with us and those who don't.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Libra Horoscope for week of August 4, 2011
Some readers get enraged about the "crafty optimism" I advocate in my book Pronoia Is the Antidote for Paranoia. Given what they regard as the miserable state of the world, they feel it's a sin to look for reasons to be cheerful. One especially dour critic said that after reading a few pages of the book, he took it out in his backyard, doused it with gasoline, and incinerated it. You may face similar opposition in your attempts to foment redemption, smoke out hope, and rally the troops, Libra. I urge you to be extra fierce in your devotion to peace, love, and understanding.
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SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
"The real secret of magic is that the world is made of words," said Terence McKenna in Alien Dreamtime, "and that if you know the words that the world is made of, you can make of it whatever you wish." Here's my version of that hypothesis: What world you end up living in depends at least in part on your use of language.
Do you want to move and breathe amidst infertile chaos where nothing makes sense and no one really loves anyone? Then speak with unconscious carelessness, expressing yourself lazily. Constantly materialize and entertain angry thoughts in the privacy of your own imagination, beaming silent curses out into eternity.
Or would you prefer to live in a realm that's rich with fluid epiphanies and intriguing coincidences and mysterious harmonies? Then be discerning and inventive in how you speak, primed to name the unexpected codes that are always being born right in front of your eyes. Turn your imagination into an ebullient laboratory where the somethings you create out of nothings are tinctured with the secret light you see in your dreams of invisible fire.
*
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
"The real secret of magic is that the world is made of words," said Terence McKenna in Alien Dreamtime, "and that if you know the words that the world is made of, you can make of it whatever you wish." Here's my version of that hypothesis: What world you end up living in depends at least in part on your use of language.
Do you want to move and breathe amidst infertile chaos where nothing makes sense and no one really loves anyone? Then speak with unconscious carelessness, expressing yourself lazily. Constantly materialize and entertain angry thoughts in the privacy of your own imagination, beaming silent curses out into eternity.
Or would you prefer to live in a realm that's rich with fluid epiphanies and intriguing coincidences and mysterious harmonies? Then be discerning and inventive in how you speak, primed to name the unexpected codes that are always being born right in front of your eyes. Turn your imagination into an ebullient laboratory where the somethings you create out of nothings are tinctured with the secret light you see in your dreams of invisible fire.
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