For Mara, at the end (3-14-2011)

I lied
when I said I would leave you alone and
wait for your response.
I want so badly for it not to be a lie,
but the waiting is hard,
so hard.
I want to apologize
over and over
but it seems to
ineffective
so small.
I want to explain myself
but histories of lifes past
of lessons that I should have learned
of fears
and lost dreams
explain nothing
but more and more
of my shortcomings.
I had been doing so well
I was convinced that I knew myself
Was living 'my' life
was making my decisions
was finally breaking free
of a life half-lived.
There was more joy than sorrow
more excitement
more faith in myself
just more, so much more.
You swept in
out of nowhere
Not unwanted,
but, definitely unbidden.
And I fell in love with you.
I wanted to focus on you
on every second with you
and I lost focus on me
In the absence of focus
I found old habits
The ones that I have learned
and nurtured
for 40 years.
The bad habits that put me in hospitals
that broke my heart over and over
that left me with nothing.
How could I have let that happen?
When what I really wanted was to make this work
to be better
and stronger
and longer
and happier
than anything that had come before
like the bionic relationship
pulled from the ashes
and rebuilt
with new tools
and new technology
and a much better outcome
But,
as I look back on the last two months
I see so many many places
where I repeated the same old habits
Expecting it to work this time?
I don't know
You are right to be afraid of me, of us.
You are right to question whether it is worth it.
Whether EITHER of us is strong enough
to weather the winter.
I battled that question for most of the day yesterday.
I decided that I was, that it was worth it to try
That I would continue to try until I'm told to stop
because I love you
because I want this to work.
But, maybe I'm not strong enough to even weather the wind
much less the blowing snow
the bleak darkness that seems to keep growing
Maybe I'm not strong enough
to unlearn 40 years of bad habits
and rebuild them with hope and strength
Maybe I'm only capable of crawling under a blanket
and letting the world go on
while I cower and shake
and live in fear.
Maybe our time isn't now
Maybe we still weren't supposed to meet
like all those times we could have met before
and didn't
It wasn't the right time
we weren't in the right places
we weren't the right people
I want to feel good again
alive
and full
and happy
like I did when we met.
I don't know when I stopped feeling that
when I changed back into
the mess that I was before
Maybe I don't have the energy to sustain
the midnight conversations
the strong desire to just be with you
and still endure the day to day
of being me
of remembering how to breathe
how to stand up for myself
how to be alone and okay
Maybe I just don't know how not to couple
so tightly that I lose myself in the other
Maybe I want too much
Maybe I want more than I have to offer
which is hardly fair
Maybe I just don't know how to love us both through December
But, I do love you.