Fears and Worries

I think everyone that reads this knows that from October until February I was in a relationship with a wonderful woman. It ended when I had a major flare up of my depression, and came face to face with some parts of me that I had been ignoring, namely that I am transgender and desperately needed to transition. The woman that I was dating had been very supportive of my male side, which was part of the problem, because I wasn't as supportive of my male side, so I kept trying to hide it. The hiding messed with my head. The resultant collapse of my life was very traumatic, caused our break-up, and began my transition. I said and did a lot of really stupid, mean, hurtful things between January and March because I was a mess and had no clue what I was doing. That doesn't make it okay, or excuse me from the consequences, its just a fact. Its been almost 3 months since the break-up and I'm still in love with this woman. There are days when I wish that I wasn't, but that doesn't make the hurt or the loss diminish.
I've watched others guys transition for 11 years now. I've noticed a trend, if you were single when you started your transition, you seem to stay single. If you were dating when you start, you may change partners, but you continue to be in relationships. I don't want that to be my future. I don't want to believe that my last relationship will always be my last relationship. I don't want to forever be in love with a woman I can never have. Part of me is terrified of this because she was so perfect for me in so many ways. Not that she was perfect, but that a lot of her characteristics matched with mine so well. For one thing, she had experience being with a transman, and she was cool with it! That's not something a lot of women in this 'neck of the woods' can say. She was supportive of me in pretty much every area of my life. She was strong and independent and knew what she wanted. She wasn't someone that I felt like I had to fix. Admittedly, I'm a fixer, that's what I do. Its what I've always done. I walk into relationship and I see what needs to be repaired and I repair it. Whether it be someone who can't manage their monthly bills, someone who has a health problem, someone who has a family problem, whatever, I work on fixing it. There was nothing this woman had that I needed to fix. Well, not entirely true, she had things around the house that needed fixing, and I wanted her to quit smoking. So I fixed the things around the house that I could fix. Intended on fixing more, but didn't get the chance. Ironically, she stopped smoking just before we broke up.
Today my therapy card reminded me that "my relationships will dramatically improve when I stop rescuing others and stop expecting others to rescue me." It is not my job to fix anyone, to save anyone from their circumstances. It is my job to make me the best person I can, to become Aaron Christopher.
Looking back on the relationship, there were so many times that I was accused of wanting to change this woman that I loved. I really didn't want to change anything about her (except the smoking), I wanted to change things about me so that our lives would fit together better. But, I never knew how.
Tomorrow is her 40th birthday. I was looking forward to celebrating it with her not so long ago. There is a part of me that desperately wants to wish her the happiest of years, but I know that motivations beyond a simple wish would be attributed to the action. I want her to know that I'm thinking of her tomorrow, but she probably already knows that. I still believe that there will be a time for us, I believe that she is just as much a part of my future (perhaps even more a part of my future) as she is a part of my past. I just hope that one day she will realize it to, but she is a stubborn woman who ferociously protects her child from harm and she believes that I am harmful. I'm not, I was just sick, but I'm getting much better.