I had thought that last night was difficult. I didn't sleep well, all I could think about were relationships gone wrong and trying to repair them. So I didn't feel like doing anything today, basically sat on my butt all day and watched Twin Peaks. Then mom called at 4:30. Please understand that I do love my mother and I know that dealing with my transition isn't easy for her. But it is really difficult for me when she calls and says "are you still going through that thing you talked about?"
"Yes mom"
"I wish I hadn't asked."
"I'm sorry mom"
"When are you going to start?"
"I already have"
"I love you, but this breaks my heart. God gave me a daughter"
"I'm sorry mom"
There was more to it than that, but you get the gist of things. I hate that I am hurting her so, but I have to do what is right for me, even when I start to lose sight of my certainty of that. And I do lose my certainty when Mom tells me that I'm breaking her heart.
I am sorry Mom. I really am.
Well, hopefully I won't spend the entire night writing speeches in my head to explain my actions and ask for forgiveness from Mara and Kyla again tonight. I probably will though, I've been re-writing them all day, but they all say the same thing. I hope that one day I get to deliver them in person and that they actually make a difference. I hope that one day I have my family of choice back in my life. I miss them terribly. I miss the friends that I have lost, as they were my family too. I really do want to fix the things I did wrong or at least try to make things right with these people again. I know that may not be possible, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to try.
Mara, Kyla, Katy, Anna, Noren, Emily, Leigh and Kat, I'm sorry. I miss you.
No comments:
Post a Comment