Gentleness

Earlier today I read an article on gentleness. It had originally been posted by Mara and then shared with thank by another friend. It was an excellent article, and I admit that I read it because I knew that Mara had posted it. In some way it felt almost like communication. But, as I read it I found myself wondering if she had taken it to heart when she read it. I thought of the ways that she has treated me over the past few months and found very little gentleness in her actions. While there has been great strength and much courage in the the things she has done in the protection of herself and of Kyla, and while I respect and admire that about her, I miss the gentleness that I know she is capable of. Perhaps my actions don't deserve a gentle hand, or a kindness. There was a passage from the article that touched me deeply.

"Gentleness lives at the crossroads of softness and strength. It’s wise without being overbearing and kind without being patronizing. While kindness and compassion often have something to say, gentleness is usually given and received in an understanding silence."

I know that gentleness is a term that I have always felt I would ascribe to myself. Looking over my actions of the last 5 months, I wouldn't be so sure anyone else would. I was dealing with a lot of things that I could neither understand or control. That isn't an excuse, it is just a fact. I said and did things that I can never take back or change. I hurt people in ways I never intended. I lost friendships and relationships that were more important to me than I could ever explain in words. These people that I have hurt would not call me gentle. I'm not even certain that they would allow me to be called kind or compassionate. But, the person that the world had to deal with for most of those months was not a true and honest representation of me. It was a 'shadow side' comprised of all the hurt, loss, anger, confusion, and denial that I have felt and kept hidden for 40 years. As I am now facing and accepting the parts of me that have been ignored for so long, the hurt, anger, loss, etc is vanishing. The person that I truly am is becoming real. As a friend of mine said "carved from stone". I am finding myself, recreating the parts that I don't particularly care for, reimagining the things that I am capable of, allowing myself to feel the kindness, gentleness, compassion, and stregth, wisdom and courage of others, and of myself.

It is my deepest desire that those I have lost on my journey will one day allow me the opportunity to show them who I have become, who I am becoming, with all the grace, and joy that I possess. It is my hope that when the real me is present then the past can be forgiven, and the future can be realized. It is my dream that those who speak of gentleness will find it in themselves as well as in me, and that the gentleness will open hearts, and locked doors and make a way for reconcilliation. I believe that this will happen, I just don't know when.

For all of you that read this, may you find the gentleness that exists within you. May you embrace it and share it. It is an exstention of love, kindness, compassion, self-awareness, and joy. Share it so that it may return to you with all the grace you deserve. Gentleness is one of those gifts that must be both given and received in order to be fully appreciated and allowed to grow.