One of my friends recently posted, or perhaps I just read somewhere that due to FB, Myspace, etc we are losing the concept of what privacy really means. I know that I have regularly been told that I should watch what I post on FB because you never know who might be reading it. The thing is, I don't care who is reading it because I usually don't believe anyone is reading what I post. Occasionally I will get a like or a comment, but not all that often. And when it comes to what I blog here, I'm fairly certain that almost no one reads it. But, I'm okay with that. This is where I think. I throw my words out here for the world to see and give me feedback if they so desire. I put my experiences out here so that perhaps others can learn from my life, or see me in a different light than they once did. That's why I post. That's why I write. That's why I wish I had more people in my life that I talk to on a regular basis (then I wouldn't share so much, or maybe I would, I don't know)
Anyway....I'm at one of those pivotal life interchanges where there are so many roads branching off and it feels like I need to make a million decisions (or at least one decision) immediately or I'm just going to end up on the same path forever. I know it isn't true, but that is how it feels at times. Right now, I'm having mom issues. She loves me and she is worried about me and I respect that, I also feel like she is a little too close in my life right now. I want space to figure things out and I don't know how to ask for it without hurting her feelings. So, I'm thinking about whether or not I want to stay in Floyd. I honestly don't have the means to make ANY sort of move right now, but part of me is feeling the urge to head back to the Pacific Northwest. It felt as much like home there as it ever has here. Don't misunderstand, I love living here in Floyd, and I think there are reasons why I'm here, but I don't think I'll end up staying. Part of me wonders if I'm not staying because I know if I leave there might never be another chance for Mara and I. Maybe I have to leave for there to be a chance. Who knows? So, that's one of the intersections Where to live?
The next would be What to do? I know I need to find a job of some sort pretty darn soon. But, I'm hesitant to take the job down the hill only to possibly find something else in a few weeks that I really want to do and then leave family in the lurch because I'm going to take care of me. That seems wrong. But, I need a pay check, so I don't know.
Part two of that is trying to figure out what I want to do for the LONG TERM. What do I want to be when I grow up? Right now, I'm seriously wrestling between being a Vet Tech, which I know I love, but has little prospect for a bright financial future, and a serious ceiling on how high I can climb and going into counseling (meaning me as the counselor, I'm already in counseling as the patient!) Becoming a counselor has been on my list of career possibilities for 20 years. I just never really knew how to go about getting started, and the one time I tried life got in the way. But, what if neither is the right path for me? What if I go to school for another 3 years, end up $50K in debt with student loans and still can only find a job making $8/hr? What then?
Then I wonder if I'm going to be doing all of this alone forever? I mean, its a valid fear. I don't know how to go about telling someone that I'm interested in that I'm trans, although I told Mara during our first lunch together, the fact was that I wasn't transitioning. Now, I am. At some point I'll stop looking like a woman, how am I going to attract a beautiful lesbian into my arms if I look like a man? (yes, I thought of this before I started transitioning, and no, it didn't stop me!) Being that I can't even find a lesbian to date here in Floyd maybe the possibility of moving back West makes more sense if I don't want to be alone. Although, damn it, I still believe in possibilities.
Then of course, we hit the intersection of How am I going to do any of these things? And that is really where I get stuck, because I don't know. A friend told me last night that I'll never get anywhere without a solid goal that I can visualize. I don't know that I have a goal, or perhaps I have too many goals and I can't pick just one. I don't know where the money is going to come from. I don't know where the time will come from for classes depending on the job that I have (I'm assuming that I WILL have a job by September!)
Mostly, right now, I'm thinking about the where. I miss the beauty of Seattle. I miss the people of Seattle. I miss the possibilities of Seattle. I was reminded today that when I left Seattle that I stated it was because "I didn't feel like I belonged there" Maybe I don't belong anywhere. Maybe I needed to be here in order to learn something about myself that will allow me to belong somewhere, with someone, doing something that I love. I'm just going to keep believing that until I get a clearer picture of my goal. Right now, I can see the sun setting over the Olympic mountains across the Puget Sound. I'm on the viaduct heading North, the windows in the car are down and I can smell the fish air rising up from below. The city is quiet for a city, and twinkling in the sunlight reflections on the mirrored windows of the sky scrapers. In the rear view mirror I can see Mt. Rainier glowing in pink radiance as the clouds float by and the moon rises to the East. The air is cool and refreshing, and all I can think of is "I live in the most beautiful place on Earth, how lucky I am to be here."
Monday, June 13, 2011
Special Request!
I applied for a really AWESOME sounding position (well, not that awesome, but definitely a foot in the door doing something that I may want to do forever) this morning. So, say a prayer, keep your fingers crossed, burn a candle, or whatever you believe in to send some good luck and happy vibes my way for this thing. I'd greatly appreciate it!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
ch ch ch changes!
After two days (more if I'm honest) of agonizing decision making, I've decided to quit the job at the big box home improvement store. I was not meant to work outside in the summer heat in SW VA. Lets face it, it was a bad idea on my part. I thought I could handle it, I was wrong. Now I just have to figure out what is next and make it happen. Not at all certain how I'm going to manage that financially, but we'll see.
In other news, I had shot #5 of T on Friday. I think I may have mentioned that already. It hurt, but oh well. My voice has deepened a lot since I started, which is cool. The doctor wasn't all that optimistic that it would drop so low since I'm older (i.e. not in my 20's any more). I also think that my hips and thighs are getting smaller, but I can't say that for certain. I'll have to try on some once tight pants to find out. The acne on my chest is clearing up, or seems to be any way. Hopefully it will stay gone. I have a fair amount of blonde hair on my upper lip, and the beginnings of a soul patch. Seeing one or two whiskers on the chin too (I think). Admittedly, I'm a little nervous about shaving. This seems a bit weird to me since I practiced shaving my face a lot when I was a little kid. I was always using dad's razor (blade-less) and lots of shaving cream, but that was then, this is now. Also, I do have to embarrassingly admit that my sex drive has started to soar. I thought I missed having a girlfriend before, well, I miss having one worse now. But, I'm learning to cope (blush).
I, sadly, am also still really really tired. But I think that may be more a factor of heat exhaustion from work, than from the hormones. Who knows?
Anyway....I'll be thinking about what else I can share and posting more soon.
In other news, I had shot #5 of T on Friday. I think I may have mentioned that already. It hurt, but oh well. My voice has deepened a lot since I started, which is cool. The doctor wasn't all that optimistic that it would drop so low since I'm older (i.e. not in my 20's any more). I also think that my hips and thighs are getting smaller, but I can't say that for certain. I'll have to try on some once tight pants to find out. The acne on my chest is clearing up, or seems to be any way. Hopefully it will stay gone. I have a fair amount of blonde hair on my upper lip, and the beginnings of a soul patch. Seeing one or two whiskers on the chin too (I think). Admittedly, I'm a little nervous about shaving. This seems a bit weird to me since I practiced shaving my face a lot when I was a little kid. I was always using dad's razor (blade-less) and lots of shaving cream, but that was then, this is now. Also, I do have to embarrassingly admit that my sex drive has started to soar. I thought I missed having a girlfriend before, well, I miss having one worse now. But, I'm learning to cope (blush).
I, sadly, am also still really really tired. But I think that may be more a factor of heat exhaustion from work, than from the hormones. Who knows?
Anyway....I'll be thinking about what else I can share and posting more soon.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Just a few little things
The new job has been keeping me really busy, bored and more than a little sick. I actually called in today because I just didn't think it was a good idea for me to go in. My digestive system really doesn't respond well to high temperatures. I'll leave it at that, use your imagination if you need to.
Aside from that, I'm working on finding a new improved job with less direct sunlight and more air conditioning. I'll keep you posted.
Shot #5 went in yesterday. It was pretty painful, still don't know why. Doing better now.
Beyond that, not much going on. I'll update more soon. Try to do some writing (maybe later today depending on how I'm feeling). Its time for some soul searching.
Aside from that, I'm working on finding a new improved job with less direct sunlight and more air conditioning. I'll keep you posted.
Shot #5 went in yesterday. It was pretty painful, still don't know why. Doing better now.
Beyond that, not much going on. I'll update more soon. Try to do some writing (maybe later today depending on how I'm feeling). Its time for some soul searching.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Therapy Card for 6/6/11
Today I will ask God to help me let go of my need to be afraid. I welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety into my life. I will make a point of listening to my healthy, rational fears, and will relinquish all others.
Libra Horoscope for week of June 9, 2011
According to research published in The Journal of Personality, many college students prefer ego strokes to sex. Given the choice between making love with a desirable partner and receiving a nice big compliment, a majority opted for the latter. In the near future, Libra, it's important that you not act like one of these self-esteem-starved wimps. You need the emotional and physical catharsis that can come from erotic union and other sources of pleasurable intensity far more than you need to have your pride propped up.
I invite you to keep a running list of all the ways life delights you and helps you and energizes you. Describe everyday miracles you take for granted . . . the uncanny powers you possess . . . the small joys that occur so routinely you forget how much they mean to you . . . the steady flow of benefits bestowed on you by people you know and don't know. What works for you? What makes you feel at home in the world?
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
In the film Fight Club, the character played by Brad Pitt storms into a convenience store with a gun, then herds the clerk out back and threatens to execute him. While the poor man quivers in terror, Pitt asks him questions about himself, extracting the confession that he'd once wanted to be a veterinarian but dropped out of school. After a few minutes, Pitt frees the clerk without harming him, but says that unless he takes steps to return to veterinary school in the next six weeks, he will hunt him down and kill him.
In my opinion, that's an overly extreme way to motivate someone to do what's good for him. I wish I could come up with a less shocking approach to coax you into resuming the quest for your deferred dreams. Can you think of anything?
I invite you to keep a running list of all the ways life delights you and helps you and energizes you. Describe everyday miracles you take for granted . . . the uncanny powers you possess . . . the small joys that occur so routinely you forget how much they mean to you . . . the steady flow of benefits bestowed on you by people you know and don't know. What works for you? What makes you feel at home in the world?
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
In the film Fight Club, the character played by Brad Pitt storms into a convenience store with a gun, then herds the clerk out back and threatens to execute him. While the poor man quivers in terror, Pitt asks him questions about himself, extracting the confession that he'd once wanted to be a veterinarian but dropped out of school. After a few minutes, Pitt frees the clerk without harming him, but says that unless he takes steps to return to veterinary school in the next six weeks, he will hunt him down and kill him.
In my opinion, that's an overly extreme way to motivate someone to do what's good for him. I wish I could come up with a less shocking approach to coax you into resuming the quest for your deferred dreams. Can you think of anything?
Saturday, June 4, 2011
bits and pieces
Having received zero comments on my last post I'm assuming that means no one cares if my posts are a bit racy, so be warned they will be coming.
Secondly, I don't like my new job. If anyone knows of anything else that I can do that pays just a little above minimum wage (or preferably much more than minimum wage), Please let me know how to apply.
Thirdly, I think I can safely say that I have achieved hair growth. My upper lip definitely has the beginnings of a nice blonde mustache, and I also have the start of a soul patch under the lower lip (cool, except I was never fond of them). And I definitely have more hair in my armpits than ever before (of course since for 40 years I only had about 3 hairs each pit, anything is more) and I think my leg hair is getting heavier.
Fourth, voice can't make up its mind.
Fifth, my period seems to be thinking about it again! DAMN
And I think that is all for the moment. I'll try to write something longer and more profound later today or tomorrow, since these are the last days I'll have off for the next 7. YUCK!
Secondly, I don't like my new job. If anyone knows of anything else that I can do that pays just a little above minimum wage (or preferably much more than minimum wage), Please let me know how to apply.
Thirdly, I think I can safely say that I have achieved hair growth. My upper lip definitely has the beginnings of a nice blonde mustache, and I also have the start of a soul patch under the lower lip (cool, except I was never fond of them). And I definitely have more hair in my armpits than ever before (of course since for 40 years I only had about 3 hairs each pit, anything is more) and I think my leg hair is getting heavier.
Fourth, voice can't make up its mind.
Fifth, my period seems to be thinking about it again! DAMN
And I think that is all for the moment. I'll try to write something longer and more profound later today or tomorrow, since these are the last days I'll have off for the next 7. YUCK!
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