Life Update

The semester finally ended on 5/8.  I managed to finish up with an A-, B+ and B-, which was pretty good as far as I was concerned.
On 5/16 I had the stones in my Right Kidney blasted into passable sand.  That was no fun, but I'm doing much better now.
Also on 5/16 things changed on my MYRadford University page (or whatever it is really called), which led me to believe that perhaps I might have gotten accepted for graduate admission for the fall, but there was no way to know for certain until I returned home and checked my mail.  The mail check on Sunday 5/20 confirmed that I have indeed been accepted.  I'm shocked, amazed, excited, frightened, and anything but ready.  I still have to figure out financial aid, hopefully it will pay for classes and then some.  It would be great if it would pay enough that I wouldn't have to work as well.  If it is less than what I need then I will have to drop down to part time admission and go from there.  It will all work out.
After finding out that the acceptance was for real, I went to church with mom, my brother and his wife.  It was the first time I'd been in church since perhaps Christmas.  This was mostly due to work, and partially due to not feeling like I wanted to be there for any other reason than to make mom happy.  Don't get me wrong, I love my church family, I have a strong faith, etc, but I don't feel the urge to be at church.  So I don't go.  Mom always taught me that I shouldn't do important things for the wrong reasons.  It was announced at church that I had been accepted to Grad school.  I got lots of congratulations from friends afterwards, but not one word from mom.  That really hurt.  I kind of expected it as we had had the talk just a few weeks before about me being/getting too old to be searching for a career.  I need to just do something and make some money to live on.  She's convinced that perhaps I should just be a convenience store clerk for the rest of my life, because I don't hate the work.  I just want to do something more meaningful with my life, and for the first time in a long time I feel that this is the right thing for me to do.  We'll see.  All I know is that I have too many student loans to payback to work at a gas station for a living.
Now that I've gotten my acceptance out of the way and I know that grad school is starting this fall, its time to make the name change legal and get my driver's license changed.  I'm a little hesitant to do it, but it seems like the right thing to do and the next step in the process.
I'll keep you posted and I'll likely make the decision and process the needed paperwork by the end of May (which doesn't give me long to decide!)

Some days are harder than others

I had thought that last night was difficult. I didn't sleep well, all I could think about were relationships gone wrong and trying to repair them. So I didn't feel like doing anything today, basically sat on my butt all day and watched Twin Peaks. Then mom called at 4:30. Please understand that I do love my mother and I know that dealing with my transition isn't easy for her. But it is really difficult for me when she calls and says "are you still going through that thing you talked about?"
"Yes mom"
"I wish I hadn't asked."
"I'm sorry mom"
"When are you going to start?"
"I already have"
"I love you, but this breaks my heart. God gave me a daughter"
"I'm sorry mom"
There was more to it than that, but you get the gist of things. I hate that I am hurting her so, but I have to do what is right for me, even when I start to lose sight of my certainty of that. And I do lose my certainty when Mom tells me that I'm breaking her heart.
I am sorry Mom. I really am.

Well, hopefully I won't spend the entire night writing speeches in my head to explain my actions and ask for forgiveness from Mara and Kyla again tonight. I probably will though, I've been re-writing them all day, but they all say the same thing. I hope that one day I get to deliver them in person and that they actually make a difference. I hope that one day I have my family of choice back in my life. I miss them terribly. I miss the friends that I have lost, as they were my family too. I really do want to fix the things I did wrong or at least try to make things right with these people again. I know that may not be possible, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to try.
Mara, Kyla, Katy, Anna, Noren, Emily, Leigh and Kat, I'm sorry. I miss you.

And then the shoe stays in the air?

Mom and Dad came over today with my truck load of mulch. Based on my conversation with Mom last night I had expected that we would be having a sit down conversation, but there was no conversation. The subject was never brought up and nothing was said one way or another. It was simply all about the mulch.
In other news, I picked up a copy of the medical report from my last physical, including blood work results to take with me to the Doctor next Tuesday.
That's all for now.

And the Shoe Drops!

Just talked to mom. As expected after the passage of a few days she decides to tell me exactly how she feels about my transition. As expected, she doesn't support it, she is very unhappy about it, she wants me to wait until after my brother gets marries so as not to steal any of his glory, etc. She finishes off the conversation, with I didn't want to bring you down tonight, I was going to talk to you about this tomorrow.
Oh well, at least they still love me! I'm just going to have to hear about it how wrong it is and what awful things I'm doing now. UGH.

I have not been disowned

I just got off the phone with my Mom. The conversation started like all of our normal conversations, a little talk about the weather, what she and Dad did today, etc. Then she says "I read the letter you left for us".
Then she says "you are my child and I love you and you have to make your own decisions. Just think long and hard about this one."
I informed her that I've been thinking about this for 12 years. And she just said "OK, that's all I'm going to say".
I'm shocked and amazed and ever so thankful. I apparently get to keep my house. They are still going to bring me a load of mulch on Wednesday. And I guess Mom is still going to help me with last years medical bills! WOW! I do have amazing parents.
Countdown to the Dr - 10 DAYS!

I lost my nerve

Well, I went to visit my parents for dinner this evening, letter in my back pocket, and full of the desire to tell them everything. But, then we had dinner, and then there was a Red Sox game, and they lost, and then..... I just couldn't bring myself to tell them. I didn't know how to get their attention, and I didn't think trying to read the letter to them with Deliverance playing in the background was a great idea. I knew it had to be done, so I wrote a note that said "I'm sorry, I lost my nerve to read this to you" and left it on the kitchen table where mom will likely find it in the morning (if not before).
I really wish that I hadn't done things this way. This takes away ALL of my power in the situation. Now I just get to wait for the shoe to drop, for the phone call to come, for the disappointment to appear. I can sit here and imagine it all, and at some point tomorrow it will all explode. I'll have to be on the defensive from the moment the phone rings. I can't just answer it with a happy hello, and not expect that the next comments are going to be from my mom in tears. I wish I hadn't done things this way, but there is no changing it now. Just another in my 3 month long string of bad relationship moves.
I'm sorry Mom and Dad. I'm sorry I told you this way. I had to tell you, and I've left you a way to find out, but it isn't over yet and I'm still hiding behind a mask for you. I love you both, I hope you know that. But, this is what I have to do. I'm sorry.

The Big Day?!

After outing myself on FB yesterday by promoting this blog I was informed by a friend that I need to tell my parents now, before someone else tells them for me. Much to my dismay, she's right. I'm terrified of doing this. I can only imagine the worst reactions and well, obviously, if they are the worst then they really aren't pleasant. I'm afraid that not only will I lose my parents in the process, but I will also lose my home, and my back-up financial support for things like unexpected medical bills, property taxes, etc. Admittedly, I'm 40 years old, and I should be able to handle those things on my own, but with the economy the way it is, I've been an unemployed student for the past 2 semesters and even before my job didn't pay enough to cover all my bills. So I'm worried.
Another friend reminded me via fb that today is April Fools Day and I need to make certain when I tell my parents that they don't think this is some elaborate hoax that I'm trying to sell them just to yell "April Fool's" at the end. I'm not even certain that starting with "This is not a joke" is going to make it easier to believe.
Add to this the fact that this is just a physically a BAD day for me (i.e. the one day out of the month when it is absolutely impossible to deny that I was born female) and I just feel exhausted and you have me searching for ways to get out of this. I can't get out of this. I set up a scenario yesterday that I can't escape from. This is the 'drop dead date' for telling my parents. Now I just have to do it. Wish me luck, I'll report in later.