OFFICIAL

The name change was approved.  Now I just have to transfer the new name to all the old accounts, documents, schools, etc.
And with the new law in effect when I go to the DMV to change my name I can also change my gender marker to M!

Yippee

Life Update

The semester finally ended on 5/8.  I managed to finish up with an A-, B+ and B-, which was pretty good as far as I was concerned.
On 5/16 I had the stones in my Right Kidney blasted into passable sand.  That was no fun, but I'm doing much better now.
Also on 5/16 things changed on my MYRadford University page (or whatever it is really called), which led me to believe that perhaps I might have gotten accepted for graduate admission for the fall, but there was no way to know for certain until I returned home and checked my mail.  The mail check on Sunday 5/20 confirmed that I have indeed been accepted.  I'm shocked, amazed, excited, frightened, and anything but ready.  I still have to figure out financial aid, hopefully it will pay for classes and then some.  It would be great if it would pay enough that I wouldn't have to work as well.  If it is less than what I need then I will have to drop down to part time admission and go from there.  It will all work out.
After finding out that the acceptance was for real, I went to church with mom, my brother and his wife.  It was the first time I'd been in church since perhaps Christmas.  This was mostly due to work, and partially due to not feeling like I wanted to be there for any other reason than to make mom happy.  Don't get me wrong, I love my church family, I have a strong faith, etc, but I don't feel the urge to be at church.  So I don't go.  Mom always taught me that I shouldn't do important things for the wrong reasons.  It was announced at church that I had been accepted to Grad school.  I got lots of congratulations from friends afterwards, but not one word from mom.  That really hurt.  I kind of expected it as we had had the talk just a few weeks before about me being/getting too old to be searching for a career.  I need to just do something and make some money to live on.  She's convinced that perhaps I should just be a convenience store clerk for the rest of my life, because I don't hate the work.  I just want to do something more meaningful with my life, and for the first time in a long time I feel that this is the right thing for me to do.  We'll see.  All I know is that I have too many student loans to payback to work at a gas station for a living.
Now that I've gotten my acceptance out of the way and I know that grad school is starting this fall, its time to make the name change legal and get my driver's license changed.  I'm a little hesitant to do it, but it seems like the right thing to do and the next step in the process.
I'll keep you posted and I'll likely make the decision and process the needed paperwork by the end of May (which doesn't give me long to decide!)

Latest Updates

This has been a rough winter health-wise speaking. I've been through the 'stomach flu' three times now, although it may not have been stomach flu, it may have been a side-effect of having a bad kidney infection due to my kidney stones. I'm really sick of my rocks! The good news is that I finally have an appointment to see a Urologist at UVA on Friday morning. The funny story behind this, is that the Free Clinic tried to make me an appointment earlier an had failed. While I was at the doctor on Monday I needed to give a urine sample so I went to the lab with the nurse that does the appointment scheduling. She looks at me and says "I haven't wanted to call and tell you this, but I couldn't make you an appointment with a Urologist because they won't cover the condition." "what?!?!?" - me "They say it is an elective procedure." - nurse "Man, that sucks. What am I going to do now? I guess I'll just have to go home and start sharpening my scalpel blade and take care of this myself." - me "Did you really think that the free clinic would cover this for you?" - nurse "I didn't know, all I know is that I've been in pain because of this for 2 years and I need it fixed. Its affecting every aspect of my life." - me "I know and I'm so sorry, they just won't do it" - nurse I then go on to explain how I've tried everything, how my parents have helped with medical costs, how I got my gall bladder out and the pain continued, etc. Which is when she looks at me and says "What are you talking about?" "Kidney Stones." - me "That's why you need to see a urologist? That's not what was in the notes?" - nurse "Yeah, I need to see a urologist about kidney stones because there isn't one closer to hear that will work with the free clinic." - me "Well, that's different. I thought you needed to see a urologist about surgery for your transition!?" - nurse "No, I never thought that would be covered. I just want to get rid of kidney stones." - me "Well, they will certainly see you for that!" - nurse I had an appointment made within a half-hour! What silliness. So, today I went to the pharmacy to pick up my latest T prescription. The previous 2 times they sold me syringes pre-loaded with 1 ml of T, and that is what I was expecting today. The syringes were $10/per and the last time I got them a 10ml bottle was $60. Today, they originally tried to sell me 2- 1ml vials for a total of $30! Fortunately, they said that they could fill the prescription with a 10ml vial at $90 instead." WTF!?! Is there a T shortage? I know its more expensive at Walmart and actually every other place I've checked. Wish I knew how to get it cheaper since I really need money at the moment! Oh well, I'm hoping that I have enough to afford gas for the drive to C-ville and back on Friday! Hopefully Mom will give me a little extra, as the illnesses have reduced my earning substantially. I am also well behind on my homework, and I'm exhausted, didn't sleep well last night due to having taken a nap after having been exhausted after classes yesterday. I also need to do more writing in preparation for a couple of projects that I have. I don't know when I think I'm going to get it all done! More to come.

Happy Belated New Year, FloCoIMo and other assorted things!

Yes, I know, I'm starting off another post with the sentence, It's been awhile, but.....
I can't believe that 2011 is now past tense. It doesn't seem possible that it could be a new year already. December was pretty difficult for me at times. A lot of it was school related, as I had lots of papers/projects/exams all due at the very end. I managed to pull out some decent grades, although not as good as I had hoped, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it will still be good enough to get me into grad school (keep your fingers crossed with me, okay?) But, there was some sadness in reliving memories from 2010, and finding it so difficult to believe that the joy and expectations I had for 2011 had all vanished from possibility as early as the end of January. It was like the hopes and dreams that I had had for Mara and I were a New Year's resolution that we gave up on after 3 weeks. Oh well, what's done is done, and can't be changed. I accept that, I'm moving on, but it does still mess with my head at times.
Otherwise, Christmas played its standard mind games with me, the dealing with family who really ONLY want to accept me as the "woman I was born to be", which is so inaccurate it is sometimes funny. But, it means facing the often times disappointing 'pretty' Christmas gifts with a smile on my face and a kind 'thank you' instead of expressing the internal "OMG, what were you thinking when you bought this? Do you even have a clue about who I am? You've known me for 41 years, what made you think I would like this?" Actually though, my mom did an acceptable job at purchasing me nearly gender appropriate clothing as gifts. Unfortunately, most of it was made to be warn when one is cold, and with the T, I really don't seem to get cold anymore! So, I may never wear them, but we'll see. Old Man Winter may get it cold enough for me to feel it at some point.
The holidays in general were rather uneventful. I spent most of my time working, trying to manage the pain from my kidney stones (yes, I now know that there are 2 of them, not just one), and attempting to stay a few steps ahead of the flu type ick that everyone else seemed to come down with. I am grateful that I only had a day or two that I felt 'fluish'.
So, now that January has begun, I should be doing something creative daily, as that was my goal for FloCoIMo (for those of you who don't know what that is, it is Floyd County Imagination Month, you can find out more about it at http://www.flocoimo.org ) But, I haven't done much of anything. Mostly because I have been busy with work, and partly because I still feel so much attachment to my ex through this. I messed with my head mightily to find that she had rewritten some of her poems from last year and effectively wrote me out of them. I guess I deserve it, or it is something she feels she needs to do. All I know is that it hurt a LOT more than I was expecting it to.
I'm also starting to wonder if perhaps my future might not lay far from Floyd. I work with some really great people, and I've met some awesome people via school and other associations, but I still feel like an outsider here. More and more I realize that there are people that I love and care about here that I can't be in contact with, or rather, I can contact them, they just won't answer. I effectively lost them in the divorce. And that saddens me, because I feel that it severely limits the possibilities that I have to grow, evolve and hopefully date while living here. Maybe I'm wrong and this feeling will pass. I'm not planning on leaving until I've managed to finish grad school, and since I have yet to be accepted, I that means at minimum 2 more years here. We'll see. As I once wrote for a status update "There are always more fish in the sea, but its far easier to catch them if you aren't fishing in a puddle" For what its worth, Floyd is a puddle when it comes to finding a transman accepting partner. And when OKCupid finds one possible match for you in a 50 mile radius, well, it makes you realize just how remote your chances are. I have met someone online though, she is really wonderful, but also very far away and our situations are complicated by more than just distance, but I won't go into that here.
Anyway..... speaking of grad school, I have an application to finish before classes start again. I also need to request transcripts from the 7 or so assorted schools that I have attended, and I desperately need to figure out who I'm going to use for references. That last part has me a bit worried. I'm hoping that I can think of 3 great people who can write great and glowing things about me. I really need someone in the field of Social Work that knows me and can speak to my abilities, I was going to use my sister-in-law, but I'm worried that there will be an issue with the fact that she is my sister-in-law. Opinions, recommendations and volunteers are requested for my referencing positions. Please note that I do need these to be professional references, so if you can say lovely and glowing things about me as a person and your friend, while I appreciate it, it isn't exactly what I need. But, send me an e-mail if you are interested and we'll discuss the possibility.
Classes start in just over a week. I can't wait! I'm taking some interesting classes and one of them is Weight Training, I'm hoping that will help me lose weight and also shape and tone my physique so that I can start passing more frequently as masculine. I'm still only passing at work maybe 50% of the time and that is a big maybe. I'm not certain what I am doing wrong, or if it is just that these people know me and therefore don't notice the changes (or refuse to see them). Although I think a haircut will help (I haven't had one since September!!!!!) And hopefully that will happen next week after I get my tuition money!
In other news, I'm going to start looking for another job. Odd as it seems, I do love what I do , where I work and the people I work with, but, I need more pay. I just don't make enough to make ends meet and that needs to stop ASAP. I'm so behind on my bills that I'm not sure what I'm going to do to get caught up. I'll get there eventually. So, anyone who would like to be a reference for me, again, let me know.
Lets see, not much else to discuss. Despite the lamenting the past that could not be my future, I'm actually rather upbeat and positive about things. I truly believe that I will get into grad school for the fall and that this semester will be my best ever at VT. I know a new job is just around the corner and life is going to get better. 2012 is full of possibilities and I'm going to take advantage of as many of them as are presented to me. Good things are coming my way!
Happy New Year to you all. I will keep you all posted on how things change, and I hopefully will get a picture taken AFTER the haircut (as right now it is driving me nuts and I can't stand the way it looks. Interestingly enough, its become curly! I think it is the T).

I Really Need to Blog More

I have been intending to write something new and cool and informative for weeks now, but have been swamped by homework, work, wedding celebrations, and the like, and also plagued by writer's block to take the cake.
I guess I'll start with the briefest of updates on my transition, and then move on to the more emotional stuff that is also part of my changing life. I have now officially hit the 6 months on T mark. That happened on October 15. I feel really good about all the things that have changed. I've lost inches on my hips and thighs as they have become much more muscular and the 'soft protective layer' has migrated up to my waist. This means my jeans have gone from being very loose around the waist and tight over the hips and thighs to fitting comfortably around the waist and being baggy on the hips and thighs. I need new jeans, but currently can't afford them. I think I only have 3 pair of 36x32's so donations to the jeans fund would be most helpful! Aside from that, my voice seems to have settled at a nice low tone and I'm relearning how to sing with the community choir. I'm really enjoying that aspect of things, although I never EVER imagined that my voice would end up this low. I figured I'd be a tenor, which would mean I could sing all the cool songs on the radio just fine. Instead I'm a second bass and my range is much more narrow that I had hoped. Songs on the radio are frequently not in my range, but I manage anyway, its only in the car (mostly) LOL I'm also starting to get a little bit of facial hair that is visible. The texture of the hair has changed and some of them are actually not blonde! Unfortunately, the acne is still about the same and has gotten a bit worse along my jawline. Oh well, maybe that will start to clear up soon, but who knows. I'm still pretty tired most of the time, but that might also be changing a little (keep your virtual fingers crossed for me!) And just over the last week my appetite has really picked up. I had always heard that T makes you hungry all the time. It really hadn't for me. I don't know if it was due to lack of food availability or excess of body fat that has now become a little depleted. I just don't know.
Anyway, in other news. My brother is now married! I'm so happy and excited for him and his new bride. Congrats you guys!
The wedding coincided with my 6 month anniversary on T. It was very nice to be able to go to the wedding in a tie and slacks and not the dress that would have been standard practice years ago. It would have been nicer to have been able to be Aaron to my family and friends, but I chose stay with my given name through the wedding, so as not to cause my change to overshadow the joy of the occasion. It was difficult to be daughter and sister throughout the day. But, it was still a lovely day. It was also difficult because I had hoped a year ago that I would have a date to the ceremony and that she and I would soon be celebrating a year together after the wedding. Obviously, that didn't happen. It was hard being there alone. I still miss her, I worry about the daughter that could have been part of my life. But, I'm moving on. I'm trying to move on. I even had a sort of date on Thursday night. It went well, I think. I'm hoping it will lead to another day, but, time will tell. She is awesome, she seems very sweet, she's really cute, very smart, amazingly caring, and fun to talk to. We seem to have lots in common, so I'm hopeful.
Well, that's about all for now. Classes are going okay, a couple of exams coming up in the next couple of weeks, but that should be okay. Time now to get ready for work.
Thanks for reading.

New picture

Well, it has officially been 4 months on T, Apr 15 to Aug 15! Had lunch yesterday with a great bunch of guys in Roanoke and according to one of them I've changed a lot in those 4 months. He also told me it was time for a new picture. So here it is. I'd say it sucks, but it does look like me, so I'll go with it. I hate doing self-portraits, but sometimes you have to. I'll see if I can get some better pictures soon. Enjoy!

Changes that I can officially say have occurred in the past four months. My voice has dropped considerably. I am getting some hair growth on my face, mostly my upper lip. However, it is all very very blonde so you really can't see it. I do shave, just not very often. I swear I have more hair on my abdomen, but again, blonde. Alex claims my shoulders are broader and I look more buff, but I think he is just trying to make me feel good. My clothes fit differently, my belly seems bigger and my butt/hips feel a bit smaller. But, that's about it for the physical changes that I'm willing to list. Mentally, I feel so much more comfortable with myself, happier, at ease or at peace with things. Life feels good again, which is kind of a new thing for me. I haven't had any of the 'anger management' issues, for the most part I'm so much happier that I can almost blow off stuff that used to make me blow up. Its been pretty cool.

Now I just have to get back to having a better diet, lose some weight, work out once in awhile so I'll look good for my brother's wedding in October (on my 6 months anniversary!). I hope that the shirt I bought for the wedding back in May will actually fit me come October. I still need to find pants and shoes, plus get my cuff links made for the occasion. Wish me luck!

In other news, school starts in a week, Financial aid is still processing and I'm looking forward to it getting paid out. Life is getting busy again, but at least busy with structure, so I'm really looking forward to that.

Okay, g'night everyone. Hopefully later today will be a good day and I'll get to meet with admissions for RU for the MSW program. Keep your fingers crossed!

What it means, part II

A couple of months ago I wrote a post called What it Means This is a continuation of that post.

Its been a day of pondering things. Little things and big things. While fixing dinner I thought about the summer camp I used to attend, and how I'll probably never be welcome to volunteer there again (at least not as a cabin counselor or a leader). You see, its a Christian camp, and while the Church of the Brethern believe that you love the sinner, hate the sin when it comes to gays, they also believe that as long as I was born with a vagina I'll be a woman, but I don't think they'll accept a bearded woman who answers to Aaron sleeping with a cabin full of young girls. Nor would they let me sleep with a cabin of young boys. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe I'm thinking too much about it. I just know I miss the place where I spent the happiest times of my youth. Although to be honest, it doesn't really resemble the place I remember any more. It has been modernized far beyond my comprehension. I mean, kids have cell phones now, when I was a camper we couldn't even have radios! Oh well.

On my walk with Taffy I started thinking about things I have learned about myself over the past 4 months. It still amazes me that its been 4 months since I started T! What I've learned is that for the first time in my life I actually feel comfortable with myself. I feel like I'm experiencing the wonders of my body coming of age for the first time. Puberty didn't feel like anything when I hit that age as a girl. I just tried to fake my way through it. Maybe that is why I felt like I never really grew up in some ways. Now I feel like things in my life are starting to take shape and make sense. It feels really good to be alive.

I also thought about what I wrote earlier in "What it means". While I still like what I wrote, I think there are a few things that I need to restate in a slightly different way. I'm not changing to become a man because I don't want to be a girl, or because I think that there is anything in this world that a woman can't become. It only has to do with the fact that I have never been a woman inside, and I've spent my life being dishonest to everyone around me by trying to be what they wanted to see. Now maybe if society in general, or my family and some of my friends in particular, didn't have such gender based stereotypes I wouldn't feel like I had to be something other than myself, but the fact is, I did.
I have also felt that people have wondered who I'm doing this for. Are you doing this to get Mara back? No. I'm not doing this for anyone except myself. The fact is I was completely convinced that by transitioning I would lose everyone that had been part of my life. I was totally shocked to find that I'm supported and loved by as many people as I am. I'm doing this transition for myself, so that I can be honest with myself and accepting of who I am. Truth is, I still feel isolated from much of the world at large, I feel as if I'm hiding, maybe out of fear, maybe because in some ways I'm still not sure. I don't know. But what is cool is that I feel that my relationships with people that know and are accepting are much more honest, real, open, etc than any I've known before. Which is an amazing feeling! I don't have to live up to some unspoken expectation to be the woman I'm not. Now if only I didn't get reminded so frequently that I am "Ms. Ellen" or Ma'am, or Miss, or whatever. That will change with time, I hope! But, those are the joys of small town Southern living!

In other news, school is getting ready to start in 2 weeks. I'm still working out the kinks with financial aid, but hopefully it will work out so that I have something to live on and can pay some of my bills. I should get to meet with the director of grad admissions for the MSW program at Radford U next week (I haven't heard back about a particular time), but I'm super psyched about the opportunity to go impress someone and convince them that they can't live without me in their program (okay, so a bit optimistic on my part! But hey!)

Also, had a trip to the doctor in Fishersville yesterday. Apparently my transition is going well, however, my triglycerides are through the roof, which is likely to do more with my hot dog , doughnut and soda diet that I have had to survive on over the past 2 months or so. Hopefully I can get a better diet going with the financial aid money. Sadly, I found out that my doctor is leaving general practice, so I have to find someone new that will prescribe my Testosterone injections. Any suggestions?

Prior to finding that out I was lamenting about the lack of resources in general for transgender people in rural areas, particularly SW VA. I was having strong desires to pack up my stuff and move back to Seattle where life would be easier, where I wouldn't be so 'alone', where resources are plentiful, etc. But then it occurred to me, maybe this is why I'm back in Floyd! Maybe I need to work on making this a better, safer, more knowledgeable place for transgender people. I mean, there really isn't much in the line of resources for gay people, but it is a heck of a lot easier to find queer support than it is trans support ANYWHERE in the US, but particularly in rural areas. The fact that I have to drive 2.5 hours to see a doctor to get a hormone prescription is bad, but there are other people who have to travel much further. I know of one therapist in the area who see's trans patients. But, as I learned working for the census last summer, SW VA is a very vast area that is so spread out it is difficult to get resources to a lot of places. I find it disgraceful that the largest city in the area doesn't have 1 doctor that is willing to see FTM patients! Even with a college town less than an hour away, there is little support for the trans community. Maybe I will become an activist in the second half of my life. I still have to figure out how!

Lastly, I think I should say that my job is going really well. I work with an amazingly wonderful group of people and I'm so thankful that they are part of my life. Despite the fact that my inner monologue usually berates me for 'working in a gas station, what will the other people think? You thought you were above this, didn't you?' I really do enjoy the work. I'm getting used to the ever changing hours, the random waves of people that suddenly cause me to have stressfully long lines at my register, and the seemingly never ending lists of things to do.
Now, if I can just fix the random pain in my right side that I think is related to the marble sized kidney stone that has been around for at least 2 years, all will be good. Oh, and if I could happen to meet a couple more friends to hang out with and maybe a girlfriend, life would be spectacular!

Change and the absence of Change

I think my voice is finding its comfortable spot somewhere in the Baritone range, although it frequently pops up into squeaky tenor and sometimes alto range. It's funny.
I had thought that my periods had quit, but perhaps not. I'm not happy.
Started a new job on Saturday, it may eventually pay the bills, but its going to take awhile. I'm kind of enjoying it, although there is a lot to learn. Wish me luck. Also have resume's out for some other positions, so keep your fingers crossed.

I DID IT!!!!

I bit the bullet, gave in and shaved my face for the first time in my adult male life! Lips are difficult, both under and over them. cut myself twice, I'll heal, but it will hurt for a little bit.

On a more stupid note. I found a really awesome piece of spoken word poetry called "The Femme Piece" by Ivan E. Coyote. It reminded me of Mara in both content and quality. So I e-mailed a link. It will probably just make her more angry at me, but, I did it anyway. Maybe it will be worth the risk.

forgot to mention yesterday

shot 6 is in! Officially 2.5 months on T.
So many many things are changing.

I think I may understand why I'm so hesitant to shave and this knowledge scares me. Shaving will mean accepting that I am truly becoming more male. Right at this very moment I am the most comfortable in my body that I have ever been. What happens if I become more male and I'm not as happy as I am right now? Don't get me wrong, I'm loving the fact that I can sometimes feel the hair on my upper lip when I move my mouth just right. But right now its blonde and mostly invisible unless the light hits it just right. Its like my little secret. Maybe I'm not willing to share that just yet. I don't know. I always wanted a beard. When I was little and dad would stop shaving for a couple of days I would often run to him for a hug yelling "beard me daddy beard me", which meant rub your scruffy stubble all over my face. I have no idea why I liked that, but I did. Yet, I can't stand it when I get the occasionally prickly stiff hair that grows out of a scar on my face. It MUST be plucked out immediately. Not because it ever got long enough for anyone to see, but because it itched or tickled or otherwise annoyed me somehow. Is a beard going to do that only in a mega sort of way? I don't know, it just feels like craziness. How can this be me?

At some point I'm going to have to break down, give in and just do this. But, I'm literally paralyzed with fear about picking up the razor. I just can't do it. Yes, I'm a freak, but I am what I am.

Its all about growth and change and new understandings

I've been hinting for a while now that I've had a lot of stuff running through my head that I would be writing about soon. Well, the time has come.
As if you couldn't have guessed, my life has been in a state of serious flux this entire year. The road has been rocky at some points, remarkably smooth at others, and a confusing mess of interchanges from time to time. The big ol' depression that rocked my world this winter seems to be holding itself at bay, but has had ripple effects throughout my life. It was the catalyst for transitioning, because I finally understood that unless my body changed my mind was going to keep going through depression after depression until I got the message. What I didn't realize were the other aspects of my life that might also be called into question as a result. Everything from school to work to love to sex, all aspects of me are going through Q & A sessions to find out what really fits. And I'm coming up with conclusions and answers that I never imagined would sit comfortably with me. I was born and raised in a small rural community that is predominantly Baptist or Brethern, meaning rather conservative. Because of this there are always certain things about 'the wild side' that scared the crap out of me. Nakedness, drugs, pornography, and even sex. There were things in this world that I just didn't want to know anything about. I couldn't imagine being naked with a group of people, maybe that comes from having been chewed out for an hour when I was like 8 for skinny dipping with a co-ed group of people, maybe it had to do with the fact that I was so body conscious that I didn't want anyone to see my body. Lets face it, I got dressed and undressed in my sleeping bag at summer camp, I avoided public showers, and I just really didn't want anyone to see me naked. Suddenly, the thought of being naked in public doesn't bother me, even though my body really hasn't changed.
I was also rather dogmatic about drugs. No drugs, not now, not ever. Didn't want to date anyone who did drugs. Had a strict drug free policy with people I was dating. Now, I'm not so sure. Given the right time and place and the security of people of I trust, I might consider it. Not that I'm thinking of hitting the crack pipe or doing anything extremely scary, but pot, ecstacy, might not be so bad to try just once or twice.
And then there is porn. Okay, it never did anything for me, so I couldn't imagine watching it. However, now that I have the sex drive of a 13 yo, I find it 'stimulating' (he says tongue in cheek). I prefer less stupid porn, and I don't know if that variety actually exists. Something with a real plot, good dialog, AND erotic images would be very nice. I don't think that actually exists, so if anyone has recommendations, feel free to send them my way!
And then there is sex. I always imagined sex was a one on one thing and that was all that was necessary. That is changing too. I'm starting to actually figure out masturbation (go ahead and laugh, but I never masturbated as a teen or an adult, even during the 5 year dry spell on sex! I never knew how and it never worked for me) So, I'm learning. I'm missing having a partner, because I enjoy giving pleasure as much as I currently want it! But, one of the things I would never have considered growing up was having sex with more than one person at a time, or being in a multi-person relationship. Now, I'd consider it, just to see if it works for me. My hunch is that it won't, but I'm still curious.
But the physical/sexual changes aren't the only changes. I'm starting to get in touch with some indicators on what I think I should be doing with my life. I'm investigating counseling, social work or psychology as a career. Which means more school, but I'm cool with that. I don't know if a Masters will do, or if I'll need to get a PhD. I see myself working with LGBT youth and adults who are struggling to come to terms with their identity. The other thought that has been very prominent is that I need to work with the Russian LGBT movement. There are enough people in the US to fight for the rights of LGBT individuals. In Russia there aren't that many and they are afraid (not all, but I don't blame the ones that are). I've never in my life thought of becoming an activist on any issue. I'm generally content on maintaining the status quo, and making small changes in my own life that I hope will affect others positively. So, what is going on in my head that suddenly wants to make me jump on a plane to Moscow and try to save Gay Pride and start a trans movement? Where is this coming from?
It would be so easy to just blame it all on the T, but there is more to it than that. I think my relationship with Mara really opened up my mind in a lot of ways. I just couldn't see it when we were together. She unlocked the doors to the 'scary parts' of me, and then the T just shook them open. Its a good thing, its just kind of rocking my world at the moment.
I know that if I end of going to Russia to "save the world" then it is probably a good indicator that my relationship with Mara is never going to re-happen. Its probably not going to re-happen again anyway. That does leave me rather worried that there will never be someone else that can love me for who I am, body, mind and soul. But a quote I recently heard on a tv show said "People don't fall in love with genitalia, they fall in love with people" (or something to that effect). I just need to get out there and find some people. I'm lonely. I have a huge back yard, a grill and four chairs to sit in outside. I have a big screen tv, and a lot of movies to watch. I have board games and card games and a desire to play them with people who interest me. I even like to cook sometimes, but not often. I'm looking for conversation, and flirting and fun. So, if you know anyone, send them my way.
I think that is about it for now. I have a lot of stuff I need to do, like find a new job, fill out some papers to keep from having to re-pay my student loans before school starts again, try to get more unemployment, in case I can't find a job, that sort of thing. I'm searching personals on Zoosk (not much there for SW VA) and also in Russia (the whole of Russia), but I haven't got the money to invest in online dating subscriptions. Still have to figure out how I'm going to pay for an upcoming Dr visit (in August), and blood work in July. DONATIONS ARE APPRECIATED!!

lots of thoughts

running through my head. Need to get them in order before I start writing. The past week has been a time of gaining great clarity about some things and finding that my points of view and my acceptance level has shifted. I'll try to explain some of that in my next post.

Its all good. :)

ch ch ch changes!

After two days (more if I'm honest) of agonizing decision making, I've decided to quit the job at the big box home improvement store. I was not meant to work outside in the summer heat in SW VA. Lets face it, it was a bad idea on my part. I thought I could handle it, I was wrong. Now I just have to figure out what is next and make it happen. Not at all certain how I'm going to manage that financially, but we'll see.

In other news, I had shot #5 of T on Friday. I think I may have mentioned that already. It hurt, but oh well. My voice has deepened a lot since I started, which is cool. The doctor wasn't all that optimistic that it would drop so low since I'm older (i.e. not in my 20's any more). I also think that my hips and thighs are getting smaller, but I can't say that for certain. I'll have to try on some once tight pants to find out. The acne on my chest is clearing up, or seems to be any way. Hopefully it will stay gone. I have a fair amount of blonde hair on my upper lip, and the beginnings of a soul patch. Seeing one or two whiskers on the chin too (I think). Admittedly, I'm a little nervous about shaving. This seems a bit weird to me since I practiced shaving my face a lot when I was a little kid. I was always using dad's razor (blade-less) and lots of shaving cream, but that was then, this is now. Also, I do have to embarrassingly admit that my sex drive has started to soar. I thought I missed having a girlfriend before, well, I miss having one worse now. But, I'm learning to cope (blush).
I, sadly, am also still really really tired. But I think that may be more a factor of heat exhaustion from work, than from the hormones. Who knows?

Anyway....I'll be thinking about what else I can share and posting more soon.

bits and pieces

Having received zero comments on my last post I'm assuming that means no one cares if my posts are a bit racy, so be warned they will be coming.

Secondly, I don't like my new job. If anyone knows of anything else that I can do that pays just a little above minimum wage (or preferably much more than minimum wage), Please let me know how to apply.

Thirdly, I think I can safely say that I have achieved hair growth. My upper lip definitely has the beginnings of a nice blonde mustache, and I also have the start of a soul patch under the lower lip (cool, except I was never fond of them). And I definitely have more hair in my armpits than ever before (of course since for 40 years I only had about 3 hairs each pit, anything is more) and I think my leg hair is getting heavier.

Fourth, voice can't make up its mind.

Fifth, my period seems to be thinking about it again! DAMN

And I think that is all for the moment. I'll try to write something longer and more profound later today or tomorrow, since these are the last days I'll have off for the next 7. YUCK!

Opinions Please?

Considering writing/posting a rather risqué article (can I call these posts articles?). Current topic would have to do with sex, masturbation, sex drive, you get the picture.....
Any objections or other thoughts on the subject?

Proceeding!

Just saying that shot 4 is in, and I've been on T for 6 weeks now. Yipppeee! Now, definitely want to see some changes (just little things, and maybe nothing that anyone else will notice. I'm not in a hurry for the visible. :) )

Lots going on

So many things are going on these days it is difficult to know where to begin. I guess I should start by saying that I have a job! Yippppeeee! Its nothing amazing, I'm working at Lowe's, but it should be fun and will hopefully help pay the bills. Assuming I don't leave my paycheck in the store!
Secondly, I had a really great meeting with a professor in the Women's and Gender Studies department at VT. I'm considering trying to get into grad school in the Sociology department go for my Masters with a concentration in Women's and Gender Studies. Right now, I'm not certain I have the GPA to get accepted, but we'll see what happens by next Fall. They only accept people into the program in the Fall, and I doubt I can get in for August. Maybe I should talk to the director of Grad Studies in Sociology. Maybe I could start this fall, that would be insane! Regardless, there is a possibility that I'll get to tell my story to the Intro classes this Fall and Spring. I'm really excited to think about that. I love speaking in front of groups, especially when I know what I'm talking about, so, this should be great. I really hope that it works out that I can.
Third, I've been attempting to catch up on some DIY projects. Still trying to get the outside faucet to not leak. May have to call in the plumber (my cousin) and get some outside help. Its leaking at the connections, not at the fittings. I don't know how to better explain it. So it either means I need to tighten the screw fittings, or loosen them or remove the teflon tape or something. I don't know. Also still trying to figure out why I have internet access, but not phone abilities via the land line. Makes no sense to me. Maybe my phone is fried! I think I'm just going to cancel my phone service and then it won't matter. I don't think it will save me any money, but it might. Other than that, just your routine stuff like mowing the lawn, still planting roses, laundry, etc.
Update on my transition is about the same. The acne is getting much worse. My chest looks like I have chicken pox! Thankfully, it seems to be centrally located there, although my face is definitely oilier than it used to be. I also think I'm sweating more, but maybe not. Aside from that, I'm fairly certain that my voice is some lower, which is shocking, because that usually takes longer. The bad news is that I'm still having a period and the worst PMS of my life. My menstrual cycle was the one thing that I REALLY wanted to change immediately, and it isn't cooperating. Maybe this is the last one! I may be starting to get some peach fuzz on my face. I swear my upper lip is fuzzier, but it is all blonde hair that you can't really see unless you are 3 inches from my face. I also thing I'm getting more peach fuzz on my cheeks and sideburn area. But, again, blonde, can't really tell unless you are 2 inches from my face in really good lighting.
I did come out to my HR Manager as trans today. Told her that Ellen was still the okay name, but Aaron will be preferred later on. I'm hoping that I can switch from Seasonal to PT when school starts and then get benefits and change my name and hours and all that stuff. Who knows.
On a totally different subject, I've been doing lots and lots of thinking about my relationship with Mara, how it really was, how it ended, if it is ever going anywhere from here. I've done lots of reading of old e-mails, both that she sent and that I sent. There is a lot there that I'd tried to ignore or at least not consider that I really needed to be reminded of. I don't want to go into all of it right now, because I'm still processing it. When I started writing this blog I told myself that I would try to write on the fly and not pre-write whenever possible. This, I think, needs to be pre-written, re-read, modified, etc. There is just a whole lot there that I need to muddle through. In some good news, one of Mara's closest friends actually bantered with me on Facebook a few days ago. It made my day. SBJ is someone that I really respect, admire and care for. It has impressed me that she has remained my friend when so many of Mara's other friends have walked away. I felt compelled to tell her thank you because I felt sincere joy and thankfulness to be acknowledged publicly, as it were. I hope that in time she and I can be friends again. I'm not saying bffs, but at least not afraid to say hello if we run into each other in the store, maybe have a little conversation, etc. Just saying that I'd like to reach that point with a lot of the people that I have lost over the months.
Beyond that, its all been about the same. Hopefully, I'll get more stuff done tomorrow (since apparently I haven't been taken off to Paradise via the Rapture), maybe figure out my plumbing issue, maybe get the last of the roses planted, maybe some tomatoes too. (Anyone need any tomato plants? I have lots, I'll share!) And maybe, I'll even do some writing and share the things I'm thinking about relationships and endings and whatever happens next. I don't know. As I said, still processing. Regardless, I hope you all have a great Sunday. Enjoy the weather!

Settle

I've been thinking a lot about that word recently, settle. I've been told my whole life that I should settle. Settle for a career that pays that I don't enjoy. Settle for a partner who is kind and wonderful but I'm not in love with. Settle for living someplace I despise because I can afford it. I think that Settling has to be just about the worst thing a person can do. To me, it means accepting what is regardless of how you really feel about it. Take something less than you deserve because the Universe won't give you anything better. Accept something that doesn't make you happy. I think that rots.
When I moved back to my hometown my Mom said to me. You have a good home here, a place where you can settle down, get your life settled. That was, quite possibly, the worst thing she could have ever said to me. Why should I ever settle down? Why should I settle for a life that I don't want to live? Mom says she just wants me to be happy, but for me Happy does not equal Settled. Happy equals freedom to choose, freedom to roam, freedom to explore, create, imagine, change. Settled is the opposite of that, there is not freedom in being settled. Settled is like prison.
Don't misunderstand, I am fairly certain that what my mom meant was for me to find someone to share my life with, find a job that I enjoy, and just exist without all the daily 'drama' that seems to have come my way over the years. I admit, I would really like less drama in my life (more theater, less drama!), but I'm not certain that my life will ever be settled. I have too many dreams, too many desires, too many places that I want to visit, too much that I want to learn and share with others. I can't do all that sitting in one place doing one job for the rest of my life. I would like to find a partner to share the journey with though. That I would settle for. I know that no matter how much I want that, right now, I'm not ready for it. There is too much about me that is too fragile to enter into a relationship with someone. I'd fall back on bad habits that haven't served me well and expect things to be different. I would cease to change because there are so many more things to concentrate on than me when I'm in a relationship. So, in some ways I guess that part of me has to get settled before I can be ready to share my life with someone else, particularly someone who is equally unsettled (which, would have to be the case otherwise I would constantly be wanting change and my partner would be wanting settled and that wouldn't work).
Maybe some day I will want to settle down, and just enjoy the days. Maybe that will come when the transition is complete (or further along) and finally things in my life seem to naturally settle. I can hope, because I would like the house on the hill overlooking my parents pond (that will one day be my pond I hope), the horses and the multiple dogs (PBGV's and Borzoi's with a Bichon or two for good measure), the animal rescue, the other things I dream of. One day it will come, til then, I won't settle for what I have because it isn't what I want.

All Good Things...

Well, it seems as if my unemployment benefits may have finally run out. I filled out a form to get them renewed today, it will go off in the mail on Monday. However, this means that I'm flat broke for the moment. I may have to skip going to therapy on Monday because there just isn't money to cover the visit. I'm more than a little worried as to how this will play out.

DONATIONS ARE APPRECIATED, very much at this point!!!!!!

The good news is that I have a job interview early Tuesday morning. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

The other good news is that I did my third shot of T on Friday. Not entirely certain there are any obvious changes aside from acne, but it takes time and I have no choice but to be patient.

Wish me luck tomorrow, I'm going to the choir concert and I will likely have another confrontation with Mara. I don't intend to start anything, or cause any trouble, but I'm only one portion of that equation. Hopefully, Mara won't start anything. I'm only there for the music!

What it means

A few months ago when I started coming out to friends and family as transgender I was asked "what does it mean to you to be a man?" I was dumbstruck because not only did I not have an answer, but I had honestly never considered the question before. The first answer that came to mind but I did not say was "It means I get to be myself." Certainly a question so big and broad deserves a bigger answer than that, so I just said I didn't know.

Very few days have passed that I haven't thought about that question and what the answer is to me. What does it mean to be a man? I imagine that most of you reading this have never thought about what it means to be one gender or the other. You were born a gender, it matched who you feel you are and you ran with it. You were treated as you felt you should be treated, the expectations of you matched the expectation of yourself. And most importantly, when you looked in the mirror you saw someone looking back at you who was familiar and matched the image of you that you have in your head. I was not so lucky.

Most people never think about the things that make sense to them. We just accept them and go on with life. We don't think about how our hand moves when we write, it just happens because that is what it is supposed to do. The hand was trained to do work that way without a lot of conscious effort. Acceptance of one's gender role in the world is much the same. If you are born female and have a female gender identity then you pretty much grow up thinking about girl things and it all just seems normal and natural. (yes, I know that is very sexist and stereotypical and wrong, but this is difficult stuff to explain). Can you describe what it means to you to be the gender you are WITHOUT listing things that you are able to do because you are that gender or rights that are afforded to you because you are that gender?

I have always felt that I was a boy pretending to be a girl for the sake of those around me. Things that I enjoyed doing and exploring were denied to me because they were not things for little girls to do. Now, yes, I lived a somewhat rigorously defined childhood where everything was separated into boys and girls and maybe that was part of the problem. But, I don't think so. When other 5 year old girls were asking for princess dresses and barbie dolls for their birthday, I asked for a football uniform and a football. My comforting thoughts before falling asleep at age 7 were not about unicorns and daisies, but about how I could have a penis so that I would be recognized as a boy.

For me, I have always been a man, but the world has never seen it. As I transition, I'm not becoming a man so that I can be one, I'm transitioning so that you, the world, will see the man that I have always been. I am becoming real and visible so that you see what I see when I look at myself. I have never been confused about my gender, I always knew, but I was told I was something else and I tried to be the something else. That was confusing! If I could stay the body I am, and use the name I was given and have strangers on the street see me for who I really am, I wouldn't need to transition. But, because even my own family can't see the real me, I have to transition. So, honestly, what does it mean to me to be a man? It really does mean the ability to be myself in front of everyone, to stop pretending to be a girl for the sake of others, to live my life with honesty and be treated appropriately for who I really am and not made to feel shame because I'm different.

I am becoming Aaron Christopher so that people will see me for who I am. Not because I care about a name, a marker on my driver's license, the clothes that I can wear to my brother's future wedding, or anything else that I can do without making a change. But, I've found that even when I wear men's clothing, when you don't look at the marker on my driver's license, when you don't ask my name, you still assume that I am female, and I'm not. I never have been. So, to become male means that you will see me for who I am and will more appropriately expect the person you will be meeting.

Your challenge: In the comments below write what it means to you to be the gender you were born to be.