Coming Out Day

Ah, the joys of coming out.  Really?  Did I just write that?  It was not a joyful thing to come out that first time  13 or so years ago, it was terrifying.  I was convinced that my parents would disown me.  Although actually, that wasn't my FIRST coming out.  I had come out numerous times to other family, friends, co-workers, ex-spouses, etc.  Every time was at least a little terrifying, and every time turned out far better than I had hoped and expected.  Coming out as a lesbian was a lot less terrifying than coming out as Trans, and a lot easier.  People understand sexual attraction better than they understand gender.  Coming out as Trans has been a lot more difficult for me, as it usually requires an explanation of what being Trans means.  It is also usually accompanied by all the same irrelevant, rude questions.  Have you had the surgery yet?  Are you going to have the surgery?  And then a flurry of well-intentioned compliments that cut like barbed wire.  "But, you are such a pretty girl".  Followed by more questions that also cut to the core "How do your parents feel?  How will you find someone to date? Are you the only one?
There are days I so wish I could just be Aaron and the questions would stop.  I would like to walk down the street and not feel people looking at me with their unspoken questions.  I would like to not be ma'amed.  I would like to not be apologized to when someone gets it right and then thinks they got it wrong.  I would like to look back on my boyhood.  Heck, some days I'd just like to use the urinal.  But, I will likely never have a day when I don't have to come out or have my gender or sexual identity questioned by someone, even if they don't actually ask.  Because I have CHOSEN to work as an activist and a supporter of change for laws and policies directed towards LGBTQ individuals, I will likely NEVER have a day when I can just be Aaron.  A day when I can just be a brother, a son, a boyfriend, eventually and uncle.  I will instead be Aaron, who used to be Ellen who was a girl but is now a boy...........
For me, there is no such thing as Coming Out DAY, it is Coming Out LIFETIME!  Perhaps that just means that I should celebrate EVERYDAY!  And really, despite my moaning and complaining about coming out over and over and over again, coming out has been a pretty okay thing for me.  I don't think I really started living, loving, or maturing until I actually came out.  I truly don't believe that I entered mental puberty until I started my transition.  I had no clue who I was or what I wanted to be or even if I would survive until AFTER I came out.  It was like being born again and again and again.....
So for everyone who is coming out for the first time today, congratulations, today is the first day of the rest of your life and get used to it, because this is not the last time that you will have to stand up and face the masses and be yourself.  But, have faith, you can do it.  You are not alone.  You are loved and cared for by a community of people that you may not have met yet.  Keep looking, we are everywhere!
For those of you that find yourself coming out again today for the first time to someone new and the millionth time in your own history, take heart.  That's one less person you have to tell tomorrow.  And remember all those newbies that need  your mentorship.  You were a first timer once too!
And finally, for those of you who are lucky enough to have someone come out to you for the first time today keep these things in mind.  1.  You must be incredibly special for someone to risk losing you to tell you something so very important about themselves.  2.  Remember to thank them for sharing that with you.  3. Tell them how much you support them (unless you don't and then you might as well be honest).  4. Save the questions for another time, but ask if it is okay to ask questions later.  Keep today as a celebration of the person that loves you enough to share themselves with you so that you will have a deeper understanding of who they really are.  They love you enough to let you love them for who they really are, not for who you want them to be.  That's a HUGE thing to do.
There, I said it.  Carry on and keep coming out!

Lots of Little Updates In One Big Post

Okay, I *should* be working on a learning agreement for school/internship, or writing one a paper that is due on Tuesday, or catching up on the multiple chapters that I need to have read by Tuesday, but, I'm not.  I have so many little things that I just want to write about and it has been 3 months since my last post, so I feel it is a good time to actually do this.

So brief updates in order of my memory.
My name is legally Aaron Christopher and has been since July 16 (or was it June?)  It is also now changed on almost all important documents and accounts, I'm still missing my passport, a bank account, and car insurance.  Oh, and medical records.....  what a major pain.

My internship was solidified and I'm now an intern with the local School Social Worker.  I'm supposedly working 15 hours a week, but I haven't gotten much done this week.  I need to finish my learning agreement for a meeting tomorrow with all of my supervisors.  I'll get it done, although I really don't want to.

Student loan money doesn't go nearly as far as I thought it should.  I don't know what all I have purchased, but I'm practically out of money until Spring.  Not good since I am only working 20 hours a week at the store.

School has begun, and I'm really enjoying it, although not a night goes by that I don't sit in class and wonder if this was the right path for me, or will I ever be able to do all of this and do it well.  Then something will get said or done and I'll think "yeah, this is where I'm supposed to be".  I'm making some good friends in my classes, which is awesome since I'll be spending more time with them than with anyone else for the next two years!  They seem to accept me as Aaron, without question and when told that I'm trans (how many times do I have to come out!?) have been very supportive.  One of my professors called me 'she' on the second night.  I called him on it via e-mail the next day and we had a great conversation about my life, my goals, etc. I think he is going to be a good ally in the department, as well as a mentor and friend.  But, perhaps I'm just hoping.

I think that about sums up the update portion.  Now for the actual writing....

Part 1.
What tells us that someone is male or female?  In most cases it is so much deeper than simply the way we dress, how we wear our hair, etc.  Some people seem to manage androgyny with little effort.  Perhaps it is the blessing of smaller breasts, slimmer hips, or some physical feature.  I can't say for sure.  I wish I knew.  After almost a year and half on T I'm still getting read as female a good portion of the time.  Most of the time strangers see me as Male, but not all.  What do some people see that others don't?
I've read blogs that discuss changing the way you stand, so that you appear more male.  Being clean shaven vs peach fuzz beards? Vocal intonations? Hand gestures? and even Micro expressions which are the little twitches that you do involuntarily to indicate anything from disgust to pleasure.  Who notices what?
I'd love to do some sort of research project to try to figure this out, but it really isn't a social work thing.  I don't know if it would be considered psychology, sociology, or anthropology.  But, I think it is fascinating.  I had a friend once (I've lost track of him) that did research in Linguistics.  His topic was "Speech Patterns of Gay Men".  I would love to find out what his conclusions were, perhaps I'll have to google it.  It seems like there should be some research out there about Visual cues to gendering.  I would imagine that it is somewhat culturally specific, since gender roles vary from culture to culture.  But, then again it isn't so much about the gender roles.
When I questioned friends on what it could possibly be that causes me to be read as female, the first thing they jumped on was "are you trying to act hyper masculine?"  It was felt that 'overacting' would be read more as being a drag king or a super butch lesbian and could therefore cause me to be seen as female.  I don't feel that I act particularly hyper masculine.  My professor suggested that maybe I dress too androgynously, i.e. jeans, button down shirt, slip on shoes.  But, I could sit right right next to a guy wearing similar clothing and he would still be read as male and I would likely be read as female.  So, what's the difference?  How would you research this?  What are  your thoughts?  Feel free to send me your answers or post your thoughts!

Part 2
Playing well with others or When do I get my way?
This is just a little rant.  I hate group projects.  Mostly I hate them because my ideas are usually not the most popular and therefore rarely get chosen for the project topic.  One of the things we were told at student orientation was that we might want to consider doing most or many of our research projects on the area of social work that we hope to focus on.  For me, that would be LGBTQ issues, particularly Trans issues. For most of my cohort it is all about Veterans Issues.  While I admit that I am patriotic and thankful to the Vets for all that they do for us.  I have little to no interest in actually providing services to them.  It just isn't my thing.  I'm not a vet, I have no experience being part of a military family, I can't serve in the military because I'm trans, so it just isn't my interest. (I fully support the fact that our vets need services and I'm glad that others are there to provide them and will do a better job at providing them than I will).  Sadly, very few people seem to share my interest.  So, I'm getting 'stuck' researching veterans health care and mental health options and policy when I'd rather be concentrating on Transgender issues in the health care system.  Barriers to care, lack of care, etc.  But, I can't because I'm part of a group.  I'm thinking that I need to network with the group so that in the future when we are asked to break up into teams perhaps we can move into groups with similar interest topics.  (I love the fact that when I start writing I get the little glimpses of insight that I would otherwise miss, that Why didn't I think of that before? moment)

Okay, enough for now.  Time to go back to the homework that needs to be done, and then hopefully the steaks will be thawed and I can grill some dinner.  With any luck my next post will be sooner rather than later!

OFFICIAL

The name change was approved.  Now I just have to transfer the new name to all the old accounts, documents, schools, etc.
And with the new law in effect when I go to the DMV to change my name I can also change my gender marker to M!

Yippee

So MUCH has happened!

I really should post more often as a lot of really awesome things have been happening recently and I have done a very poor job at relaying/chronically any of it.  So here goes, as quickly as I can possibly update (as I have to get ready for work in about 15 minutes)
1.  I was officially accepted to grad school at Radford University to work towards a Masters in Social Work on 5/16 (at least, that is when I found out!)
2.  I finally had the stones in my right kidney blown to bits, also on 5/16!
3.  I think I have full coverage for my tuition and fees for the year, sadly it is through student loans, but I'm hoping that I can work on that as I don't want to be paying back loans for 20 years after retirement.
4.  I will likely have an internship in Floyd for the first two semesters.  Sadly, this may require wearing a suit and tie every day.  So I found two suits at Goodwill for $7 each!
5.  I OFFICIALLY filed for my name change to Aaron Christopher two days ago.  The woman at the clerk's office was less than cordial about accepting my paperwork.  Hopefully the judge will be more open-minded, but we shall see.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.

I think that is the majority of the big things.  I'll write more about all of it later as it is time to start thinking about food, hopping in the shower, taking Taffy out, etc!

Life Update

The semester finally ended on 5/8.  I managed to finish up with an A-, B+ and B-, which was pretty good as far as I was concerned.
On 5/16 I had the stones in my Right Kidney blasted into passable sand.  That was no fun, but I'm doing much better now.
Also on 5/16 things changed on my MYRadford University page (or whatever it is really called), which led me to believe that perhaps I might have gotten accepted for graduate admission for the fall, but there was no way to know for certain until I returned home and checked my mail.  The mail check on Sunday 5/20 confirmed that I have indeed been accepted.  I'm shocked, amazed, excited, frightened, and anything but ready.  I still have to figure out financial aid, hopefully it will pay for classes and then some.  It would be great if it would pay enough that I wouldn't have to work as well.  If it is less than what I need then I will have to drop down to part time admission and go from there.  It will all work out.
After finding out that the acceptance was for real, I went to church with mom, my brother and his wife.  It was the first time I'd been in church since perhaps Christmas.  This was mostly due to work, and partially due to not feeling like I wanted to be there for any other reason than to make mom happy.  Don't get me wrong, I love my church family, I have a strong faith, etc, but I don't feel the urge to be at church.  So I don't go.  Mom always taught me that I shouldn't do important things for the wrong reasons.  It was announced at church that I had been accepted to Grad school.  I got lots of congratulations from friends afterwards, but not one word from mom.  That really hurt.  I kind of expected it as we had had the talk just a few weeks before about me being/getting too old to be searching for a career.  I need to just do something and make some money to live on.  She's convinced that perhaps I should just be a convenience store clerk for the rest of my life, because I don't hate the work.  I just want to do something more meaningful with my life, and for the first time in a long time I feel that this is the right thing for me to do.  We'll see.  All I know is that I have too many student loans to payback to work at a gas station for a living.
Now that I've gotten my acceptance out of the way and I know that grad school is starting this fall, its time to make the name change legal and get my driver's license changed.  I'm a little hesitant to do it, but it seems like the right thing to do and the next step in the process.
I'll keep you posted and I'll likely make the decision and process the needed paperwork by the end of May (which doesn't give me long to decide!)

Realizations

Last night I drove home from an outing with friends and classmates in Blacksburg.  I had been listening to Sara Bareilles on the drive over and back.  The one song that kept popping up and reminding me of the ex was "Say You're Sorry".  I realized that I'm still looking for an apology that I will probably never get.
And then.....
Earlier today I had the opportunity to watch a recorded performance of my ex reading a poem she wrote.  I took advantage of the opportunity and realized a couple of things.
1.  She's not as beautiful as I remember
2.  My heart didn't go pitter patter at the sound of her voice
3.  My poems are better
4.  I'm better off without her
and (this is the best one)
5.  I'm free

I just thought I would share.  Looking forward to better things.

The Paper I Didn’t Write

It has been a semester, well perhaps a year, of true self-discovery.  I began my journey to becoming Aaron just over a year ago.  When I started I had no idea what a ride I was in for.  I had heard lots about the physical and emotional changes that going on hormones would create.  But, some of the changes that testosterone produced in me were never mentioned by other transmen, or at least were so infrequently discussed that I had never heard of them.  What I began to realize is that I am growing up, FINALLY.  I am finding my voice in this world and even though sometimes the words aren’t there, when they are the message is loud and clear.  I am finding my way, my path, and my self-actualized epiphany; in short, I’m finding myself. 

I’ve spent years in therapy, some of which was merely self-reflection, trying to figure out where things went ‘wrong’ in my life.  There was a time when I was a happy, well-adjusted, little person.  Of course, I was 5 at the time so it isn’t like I ever made it to adulthood with my idea of self intact.  Somewhere in there I lost a part of myself and I always wanted to know where and how I could find that point and start over.  I wanted to relive my life as it was meant to be lived.  But, there was a fatal flaw in my theory, I had made the assumption that I was ever on the right path.  I started life as a physical girl, but I was never really a girl.  The wrong path in my life began the moment they put that little F on my birth certificate.  From that day on I was forced by parents, convention, society, media, or whatever to be someone I was never meant to be.  I am a boy, but I have a vagina, ovaries and breasts.  I grew up and was socialized as a female.  I did everything I could to play the part of Ellen to keep the world that surrounded me happy.  But, I never felt any of it.  I was insulated and isolated from the world around me because I couldn’t allow myself to experience life the way I was meant to and I acted as though I did so that I would fit in.  Puberty was non-existent, not that the biological puberty didn’t happen, it did, but the mental aspects of it never seemed to occur.  I faked my way through it.  I dated boys.  I went to proms.  I had sex.  I got married.  I wanted to die.  Living a lie hurts to the core.

There were no words in my vocabulary that could explain to anyone what I was feeling, what I had been feeling since I was tiny.  Even if the words existed, no one would have understood.  Being transgender is not something that anyone who isn’t transgender can really ‘get’.  Those who care can empathize, but never truly understand what it is like.  I’ve spent most of the past 12 years or more trying to find an analogy that would successfully convey the feeling.  I’m not convinced that it doesn’t really exist.  Gender is something that is so much a part of each of us that it often suffices as an identity.  Because most people are born with their mental gender matching their physical sex they can’t understand how someone could be any other way.  The way you live your life fits with the functioning of your genitals, your hormones, your desires, etc.  In the case of the transgendered individual, sex and gender don’t match.  And because of that, things just don’t make sense.  Your body fits one picture, your brain fits another.  One of my girlfriends took me shopping once and put me in a dress.  Her reaction was “you look like a boy in a dress”, but when I tried on a suit it was just the opposite “you look like a girl in a suit”.  That was how I felt about everything in my life.

It still amazes me how much that discontinuity affected everything else.  Because I was living the gendered lie I somehow had no clue what my sexuality was, I had no clue what I wanted to be when I grew up, I wasn’t even certain that I would ever grow up.  I made plans and goals that could be accomplished by the time I was 20.  When I lived to 21 I wasn’t at all sure what I was supposed to do.  While there are probably many people out there that will claim that my gender identity had nothing to do with my inability to find my path and my voice at a younger age, I feel it is completely justified.  There is a way that we are socialized growing up that seems to point us in the path we are meant to go.  (That is a severe generalization and far from accurate, but it is the best I’ve got at the moment).  When your body and your brain are at odds, and completely opposite ends of the spectrum, it is impossible to figure out the details in the middle.  You can’t experience the evolution from child to adult the same way because you are too busy focusing on how to survive and make sense of this disconnect. 

When I started testosterone last April I feel that I finally entered puberty and began to grow up.  Finally the world around me started making sense (well, as much sense as a dysfunctional world can make).  It was like the light came on in a dark room and I could suddenly find the pieces of the puzzle that I had been missing for 20 years.  I suddenly had boundaries, edges that allowed me to fill in the missing aspects of my personality.  I had an image of what I could become.  Finally I had me as something to work with, a tangible piece of clay to mold and not some ethereal vision created by the world outside that I had to try to fit in to.

And it wasn’t a slow process either.  It took one shot of the essential T and I suddenly began to feel at home in my own skin.  Nothing visible had changed, but just the presence of the hormone in my system seemed to make all the difference.  That too is impossible to describe.  Unlike a lot of other transmen that I know my gender dysphoria was not centered on the physical appearance of my body.  Not that there weren’t days that I didn’t look in the mirror and shudder at the sight of me, there were plenty of those.  (I once explained it to a friend of mine as being the reason I only have one mirror in my house, and I can only see myself from the shoulders up.  It helps eliminate the dissonance and allowed me to just ignore the physical)  The only problem was that no one else could ignore the physical as well as I did.  While I maintain that I’m not transitioning so that I can have “things” or “male privilege”  I am transitioning so that the people I come into contact with will see me for who I am and treat me accordingly.  When I realized that was the case I began to wonder if perhaps I really needed to transition or if the strict gender roles supported in the pervasive dichotomy just needed to change or at least be more flexible.  But, I will never know the answer to that question.  It can’t be answered because, unfortunately, the dichotomy isn’t going to change in my lifetime and aside from that I can’t retroactively change my past in order to change my present.  I am on the path that I am on and that’s just the way it is.

In the classes that I have taken this semester there has been much discussion surrounding gender as a social construct or whether gender is biologically determined.  I think it is both.  The gender that each human chooses is likely predetermined by biology.  It isn’t as simple as what is between your legs when you are born or what your chromosomes show if you have them tested.  I’m not a biologist, but I’ve heard theories about androgen baths win utero, or not getting enough estrogen or whatever.  My guess is that is probably accurate.  Time and science with either prove or disprove that.  However, gender as we experience in our daily lives is indeed a social construct.  What is considered masculine and feminine is determined by society at large.  Whether I am within the bounds set up by society is what determines how I am socialized, stigmatized, stereotyped and sorted.  That is how we experience gender, and that is how we perform gender in relation to the world around us.  If what is going on between our ears is the same as what society tells us we should be doing then we are good.  Otherwise, we are deviant.

The future for each of us remains unwritten, I have many desires and dreams now that I have begun my journey down the path to full transition.  So many things have changed for me.  Physically, I had originally been prepared to keep the breasts, ovaries, vagina, etc.  Now I’m not so sure.  Those aspects of my physical body continue to feel incongruous to my mental awareness.  The finances still aren’t there to cover the physical transformation, if it is meant to be, it will happen.  Aside from that I have an educational path in front of me.  I want to work with kids and their families who don’t experience their gender or their sexuality in the traditional heteronormative binary.  Had that sort of resource been available when I was a child trying to figure out my life perhaps I wouldn’t have had to endure the years of pain, depression and anxiety that I went through.  But, again, you can’t change the past and I am who I am in part because of my past.  But, there is so much more.  I’m working with several friends to either piece together a book or a documentary about the trans experience and the beauty of trans bodies.  Maybe both.  I am going to work diligently on my blog site over the summer and turn it into more than just ‘my story’, but make it more of an way to come to understand gender, weave your way through the maze of transition (if desired) and just general commentary on being trans in a binary world.  I am going to become an activist.  I’m not certain how, I’m not certain when, but I know that is part of what is to come.  I’ve been silent for too long.  The words are forming.  I’m finding my voice.  And when I speak the world will hear.  They might not like what I have to say, they may misinterpret and misconstrue, but they will hear.

This is who I am, this is who I am becoming.  I am Aaron Christopher.