Fears and Worries

I think everyone that reads this knows that from October until February I was in a relationship with a wonderful woman. It ended when I had a major flare up of my depression, and came face to face with some parts of me that I had been ignoring, namely that I am transgender and desperately needed to transition. The woman that I was dating had been very supportive of my male side, which was part of the problem, because I wasn't as supportive of my male side, so I kept trying to hide it. The hiding messed with my head. The resultant collapse of my life was very traumatic, caused our break-up, and began my transition. I said and did a lot of really stupid, mean, hurtful things between January and March because I was a mess and had no clue what I was doing. That doesn't make it okay, or excuse me from the consequences, its just a fact. Its been almost 3 months since the break-up and I'm still in love with this woman. There are days when I wish that I wasn't, but that doesn't make the hurt or the loss diminish.
I've watched others guys transition for 11 years now. I've noticed a trend, if you were single when you started your transition, you seem to stay single. If you were dating when you start, you may change partners, but you continue to be in relationships. I don't want that to be my future. I don't want to believe that my last relationship will always be my last relationship. I don't want to forever be in love with a woman I can never have. Part of me is terrified of this because she was so perfect for me in so many ways. Not that she was perfect, but that a lot of her characteristics matched with mine so well. For one thing, she had experience being with a transman, and she was cool with it! That's not something a lot of women in this 'neck of the woods' can say. She was supportive of me in pretty much every area of my life. She was strong and independent and knew what she wanted. She wasn't someone that I felt like I had to fix. Admittedly, I'm a fixer, that's what I do. Its what I've always done. I walk into relationship and I see what needs to be repaired and I repair it. Whether it be someone who can't manage their monthly bills, someone who has a health problem, someone who has a family problem, whatever, I work on fixing it. There was nothing this woman had that I needed to fix. Well, not entirely true, she had things around the house that needed fixing, and I wanted her to quit smoking. So I fixed the things around the house that I could fix. Intended on fixing more, but didn't get the chance. Ironically, she stopped smoking just before we broke up.
Today my therapy card reminded me that "my relationships will dramatically improve when I stop rescuing others and stop expecting others to rescue me." It is not my job to fix anyone, to save anyone from their circumstances. It is my job to make me the best person I can, to become Aaron Christopher.
Looking back on the relationship, there were so many times that I was accused of wanting to change this woman that I loved. I really didn't want to change anything about her (except the smoking), I wanted to change things about me so that our lives would fit together better. But, I never knew how.
Tomorrow is her 40th birthday. I was looking forward to celebrating it with her not so long ago. There is a part of me that desperately wants to wish her the happiest of years, but I know that motivations beyond a simple wish would be attributed to the action. I want her to know that I'm thinking of her tomorrow, but she probably already knows that. I still believe that there will be a time for us, I believe that she is just as much a part of my future (perhaps even more a part of my future) as she is a part of my past. I just hope that one day she will realize it to, but she is a stubborn woman who ferociously protects her child from harm and she believes that I am harmful. I'm not, I was just sick, but I'm getting much better.

I feel like there is something I should be saying

But, honestly I have no clue what to talk about. I've been really tired since my second injection on Friday, and hungry. Specifically, I've been craving protein, well steak. I really want steak. Lots of steak.

Step 2, or "Am I getting a beer gut?"

This morning was my second injection of T. I swear it seems like forever since the first injection! I was considering changing my dose to half and doing every week as I wanted to see if it would minimize the side-effects, and also make it seem like less time between shots (obviously). Decided not to mess with it and see what happens. The shot was slightly more painful this time, I think I must have touched a nerve. It wasn't bad, just a slight burning sensation and a little bit of an achy feeling. Seems to have passed now. I've also only had a slight amount of the nasty taste in my mouth, so I'm either getting used to it or I'm not having the same reaction, which would be great either way!
I also noticed that I seem to have a bit more 'belly fat' than I thought I had the other day. I was told that my fat would migrate to the more 'male appropriate' places, but I wasn't sure how that would happen or how long it would take. I swear I'm imagining things! But, perhaps I am getting a bit of the 'beer gut', which means more cardio and more gym time! I definitely need to go to the gym ASAP anyway. I haven't been once this month. I also need to start being more aware of what I'm eating, less fat, less carbs (especially empty carbs) and more protein. Not saying I'm going all Adkins or anything, I just need to be more aware. I did buy a dumbbell yesterday, so that I can at least work on my arms when I'm home. I want the saggy old-lady triceps to be things of the past! I also want to lose about 30 more pounds, but we'll see how that goes.
In other news, the weather is much colder today and the wind is still whistling outside, which makes me not want to plant more roses. (I'm still hoping that they'll grow a little more inside before I take them out. I'd like for them to prove they are no longer dormant and have some root growth before they have to take on the hard packed soil of my front lawn). AND, my phone is still not working, so if anyone needs to contact me, you'll have to call my cell.
Well, time for the mundane tasks of laundry and dishes. UGH. Hope everyone has a great day.

Gentleness

Earlier today I read an article on gentleness. It had originally been posted by Mara and then shared with thank by another friend. It was an excellent article, and I admit that I read it because I knew that Mara had posted it. In some way it felt almost like communication. But, as I read it I found myself wondering if she had taken it to heart when she read it. I thought of the ways that she has treated me over the past few months and found very little gentleness in her actions. While there has been great strength and much courage in the the things she has done in the protection of herself and of Kyla, and while I respect and admire that about her, I miss the gentleness that I know she is capable of. Perhaps my actions don't deserve a gentle hand, or a kindness. There was a passage from the article that touched me deeply.

"Gentleness lives at the crossroads of softness and strength. It’s wise without being overbearing and kind without being patronizing. While kindness and compassion often have something to say, gentleness is usually given and received in an understanding silence."

I know that gentleness is a term that I have always felt I would ascribe to myself. Looking over my actions of the last 5 months, I wouldn't be so sure anyone else would. I was dealing with a lot of things that I could neither understand or control. That isn't an excuse, it is just a fact. I said and did things that I can never take back or change. I hurt people in ways I never intended. I lost friendships and relationships that were more important to me than I could ever explain in words. These people that I have hurt would not call me gentle. I'm not even certain that they would allow me to be called kind or compassionate. But, the person that the world had to deal with for most of those months was not a true and honest representation of me. It was a 'shadow side' comprised of all the hurt, loss, anger, confusion, and denial that I have felt and kept hidden for 40 years. As I am now facing and accepting the parts of me that have been ignored for so long, the hurt, anger, loss, etc is vanishing. The person that I truly am is becoming real. As a friend of mine said "carved from stone". I am finding myself, recreating the parts that I don't particularly care for, reimagining the things that I am capable of, allowing myself to feel the kindness, gentleness, compassion, and stregth, wisdom and courage of others, and of myself.

It is my deepest desire that those I have lost on my journey will one day allow me the opportunity to show them who I have become, who I am becoming, with all the grace, and joy that I possess. It is my hope that when the real me is present then the past can be forgiven, and the future can be realized. It is my dream that those who speak of gentleness will find it in themselves as well as in me, and that the gentleness will open hearts, and locked doors and make a way for reconcilliation. I believe that this will happen, I just don't know when.

For all of you that read this, may you find the gentleness that exists within you. May you embrace it and share it. It is an exstention of love, kindness, compassion, self-awareness, and joy. Share it so that it may return to you with all the grace you deserve. Gentleness is one of those gifts that must be both given and received in order to be fully appreciated and allowed to grow.

And me after 1 dose of T

I thought you might like to see a picture of Aaron Christopher, step 1.

The bow tie is in honor of the season premier of Doctor Who, because as he says "Bow ties are cool now". My friend Heath and I went to see the Fantasticks tonight at VT. It was an awesome show. Now it is time for bed. I promised mom that I would make it Church in the morning, and Easter lunch afterward.

Happy Easter everyone!

Some days are harder than others

I had thought that last night was difficult. I didn't sleep well, all I could think about were relationships gone wrong and trying to repair them. So I didn't feel like doing anything today, basically sat on my butt all day and watched Twin Peaks. Then mom called at 4:30. Please understand that I do love my mother and I know that dealing with my transition isn't easy for her. But it is really difficult for me when she calls and says "are you still going through that thing you talked about?"
"Yes mom"
"I wish I hadn't asked."
"I'm sorry mom"
"When are you going to start?"
"I already have"
"I love you, but this breaks my heart. God gave me a daughter"
"I'm sorry mom"
There was more to it than that, but you get the gist of things. I hate that I am hurting her so, but I have to do what is right for me, even when I start to lose sight of my certainty of that. And I do lose my certainty when Mom tells me that I'm breaking her heart.
I am sorry Mom. I really am.

Well, hopefully I won't spend the entire night writing speeches in my head to explain my actions and ask for forgiveness from Mara and Kyla again tonight. I probably will though, I've been re-writing them all day, but they all say the same thing. I hope that one day I get to deliver them in person and that they actually make a difference. I hope that one day I have my family of choice back in my life. I miss them terribly. I miss the friends that I have lost, as they were my family too. I really do want to fix the things I did wrong or at least try to make things right with these people again. I know that may not be possible, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to try.
Mara, Kyla, Katy, Anna, Noren, Emily, Leigh and Kat, I'm sorry. I miss you.

Its been a few days

Sorry that I haven't posted anything recently. A lot has been going on, but not much has been changing. I haven't noticed may effects of the T yet, although to me it sounds as if my voice has gotten deeper, but I think I'm just imagining it.
I did find out the my Cousin Jake is also transitioning. (Jake is his new name) And it looks as if he is going to move down to Floyd at least for the summer, and we are going to do this together. Its really cool. I haven't seen him in over twenty years and to finally catch up and find out that we are both trans and both in the process of pursuing transition is too much of a coincidence to ignore.
In other news, tonight was one of those I really miss the life I lost when I got depressed sort of nights. I can't change it. Wish I could. I still miss the people that I lost because of all the things I did as part of my falling apart. It isn't that I don't take responsibility for my actions during December to March, but I wasn't myself and I wasn't in control of some of the things I did. They made sense in the insanity in my brain, but I hurt people very very very very much. I wish I could go back and change it. I wish I could make amends, but so far my apologies haven't been accepted. It will just take time and distance. I know that I'm not that person when I'm mentally healthy, but I know that I will have to prove that to the people that I hurt and let down. I just hope that one day I have the chance to show them. :)