Black and White Cookie Cutter World, What if.....?

There are so many other things that I should be working on right now, but I've had a lot of 'stuff' building up over the past few weeks and no time to 'write it out' and its keeping me from sleeping.
I love it when all the classes I'm taking seem to be working together, feeding off one another. Right now my LGBTQ Perspectives class is talking about the isms and phobias, violence and law, and what can we do about it. Human Sexuality has been more focused on histories of relationships in the US and views toward sexuality and relationships, as well as differing sexualities in minority populations. Then I have Intro to Psych, and although the topics haven't been as similar, today's lecture really hit home for me. There is so much to write about. I still don't know how to tie all the ends together, but there is a bigger story that will do that, I just haven't seen it yet. I want to write about how our culture is about binaries in ALL things, how we don't like difference or change. I want to write about whether it actually does get better, or do we just get numb to it, whatever 'it' is? I want to write the story of "what if" in my life. One of my psych professor's statements today was "The purpose of college is to help you find your voice". What if I had found my voice in college the FIRST time? What if I had been following my heart and my desires for 20 years? How many people might I have been able to help? How many things might I have changed? Where would I be? What IF? And perhaps those ideas really can't be woven together into a seamless piece of writing, maybe they will have to be individual essays. That remains to be seen.
There are times when I feel like the Universe is one of those cell phone alarms that gets louder every time you hit snooze. I feel like I'm supposed to be getting some BIG point and every time I ignore it, or get the wrong point, the Universe just tries to communicate a little louder until I actually take a moment to listen, understand, and adapt.
So, I'm listening.
We, as humans, have built a society based on fear, hate, and division. We categorize and classify EVERYTHING, making it neat and tidy in the process. Each of us wants more than anything to be good, to be right, to be OK. But, we see 'flaws' in others because there are differences. In many cases people, groups of people, institutions, etc will point out those differences and remind us all that "those" aren't like us and therefore they must be bad, because WE are good. And two things can't be good at the same time! Difference = Wrong = BAD! And since none of us are identical therefore the possibility exists that ONE of us MIGHT be right (and therefore GOOD) but in the absence of knowing who that person is, we'll just assume it is self. Meaning, you feel your way is right, I feel my way is right, he thinks his way is right, and we all think that everyone else's way is totally WRONG. The labeling and dividing begin the day we are born with a gender marker. You are either M or F. And because of that label there is a code of conduct that you must adhere to or be considered wrong. Wrong must be eliminated. Do you see where this is going? It's how we set the basis for sexism, racism, classism, and all the other fanaticisms that exist. I'm part of this group. We are right. You are different therefore you must be wrong/bad. Eliminate BAD.
Since the male species is generally more physically strong they probably one the first argument against women about which was better, the M or the F. Since that time we've dealt with sexism. Women are stereotyped as weak, dumb, incapable, and as property to be owned and controlled. We watched a film in class the other day and a homophobic man, now in prison for killing Billy Jack Gaither stated 'He disrespected me, He started talking about Homosexual acts' When asked why that was disrespectful he stated 'because he is a man', Would it have been okay for a woman to say the same things to him? "I guess that would have been alright". So, there is part of the code. I'm a guy I like women = good. I'm a guy I like men = BAD. Eliminate BAD. But, what are the larger implications of his statements?
And it gets more complicated because there is not clear binary in ANYTHING. Everything in this world is a spectrum! Everything from Sex/Gender to Race/Color to Sexual Preference/Identity etc. And because we sort of recognize the spectrum we've now started to stack those traits. Lesbian is better than Gay Man. Bisexual is better than Lesbian. Straight Woman is better than Bisexual. Straight Man is better than all. That's just an example, not my opinion. So now we know all of the people we can hate. Anyone under us is an acceptable group to discriminated against. I don't want to even try to rank skin color, race, religious leanings, political party affiliation, etc. I can state with some degree of certainty that if polled the majority of Americans would say that the top of the ladder would be White heterosexual Christian Republican American Males, which scares me. I also find it a little amusing that every white person I know wants to have a tan that looks as good as someone born with browner skin, but then feels that they can discriminate against those that have darker skin. Is it jealousy?
We are nation that publicly berates others for their differences. Just watch a couple of "paid for by supporters of ...." ads. Most of them are mudslinging. What is mudslinging? Bullying for politics. When I was a HS kid I got called names, taunted for my red hair, braces, the space between my front teeth (before the braces), my complete inability to play sports (I swear I've gotten better at them), and my good grades. I'll be honest, I really don't remember much of it. The majority of the taunts I ignored and eventually they stopped. I was lucky. I was not your typical 'different' kind of teenager. I'm old enough now that I watch news reports about kids in HS and their bullying and its results. Our response is to tell them that "It Gets Better" Does it? I've think I have endured as much or more bullying, discrimination, etc in the 20 years since graduating college than I did in the 21 years I was school age and younger. Maybe its the fact that it isn't an every day sort of thing. I don't have to worry about walking down the hallway in my office building and being called a red-headed freak of nature. Instead, I get to be passed over for promotion to a job that quite literally was created for me and instead given to a white married family man with less education and experience. We still get to see news reports of adult LGBT people being tortured, raped, beaten, and/or Killed. We are still fighting for equality, to have it recognized that we deserve equal protection under the law. i.e. until we have that it technically could be considered OK to eliminate us, the different, the wrong, the bad. So, how can we tell the youth that it gets better? That sure doesn't look like a better world to me.
But, maybe I'm getting it wrong, sort of. It isn't going to just miraculously get better when you get older. And, if you lucky you aren't going to harden to things to the point that you feel nothing. Hopefully, what will happen is that you will change the world. Hopefully, what will happen is that I will change the world some before you get the chance. (and this is where the psych lecture comes in)We've spent years and years and years, since the dawn of man, just trying to survive. We came out of the wilderness to build cities, industries and technological advancements, but for many of us (myself included) we have lived our lives just trying to NOT end up back in the wilderness. We've been living to NOT Fail, which is not the same as living to Succeed. What if we changed the way we think. What if each of us made a conscious effort to live to succeed and be the absolute best that we can possibly be? (it is considered cheating and million point penalty for even considering getting ahead by knocking someone else down! and you are given a million point bonus if you help someone who has fallen to keep going.) What would society change into? What if we quit focusing on our differences and started seeing where we are the same? Would we be able to create a Utopian dream of a world without shame, violence, hatred, war? Sadly, not even I am that optimistic. I think we will always unfortunately try to find a way to separate ourselves from others.
The classic answer to all of this is EDUCATION, but it can't be just textbook learning in a vacuum, that doesn't work. You can't take the worst offender in the office and send him/her to a political correctness educational seminar and think that he/she will come back completely changed. It doesn't work that way. Most of us have it ingrained in our brains by the time we are 8 who we are like and who we aren't. A 5 hour seminar isn't going to change that! It takes brave men, women and children who are willing to exist outside the safety of their closets, risking life and limb, sanity, pride, everything really to just live. Risk it all to just be able to live as though you are part of the world. Those of us who are moderately different will obviously have an easier time of things, its up to us to help protect those a bit more extreme personalities. That may be the only way that we can prove that its our differences that make us amazing individuals and allow those who want only sameness to have the chance to get to know us. Its a little forceful, but this is just my opinion anyway.
I'm sure that some of you are reading this and thinking that I'm crazy and I'm talking about some bizarre combination of Socialism and Anarchy, but I'm not, not really. Its more a be and let be scenario. If what I'm doing isn't physically damaging you without your consent then there should be nothing you can say about it. If you don't want to see a Transman kissing his girlfriend, don't watch, but don't make me stop. There have been many times I've not wanted to see straight people kissing, but I haven't stopped them, so it seems only fair. And as far as laws and such go, I'd like to think we can be smart about them. Murder really doesn't seem like consensual violence and therefore should be punished severely, same with rape, and other violent crimes. But the punishment has to be different too. We can't sensationalize the story and give them fame. We can't write books about them, or make movies, we need to recondition them to respond differently to the stimulus. (Hows that for psych speak!) There needs to be a system of rewards for progress and change in a positive direction. What if....?
I am lucky. I live in one of the most admired nations on the planet, or at least one of the most feared. I have freedom, a modest amount of financial security, a college education, and a dream. But, every day I go to work and see the same people come in to feed their addictions, and leave. There is so little difference between one person and the next sometimes that it is difficult to tell them apart. And to be quite honest, that's the way they like it. Personally I would prefer a world where the people are hand molded and no two are alike, not even the houses we live in would be similar to our neighbor's house. No one is bad, and no one is better. We are all just different, wonderful and amazing in our own unique way. What if we could make it work that way?

Latest Updates

This has been a rough winter health-wise speaking. I've been through the 'stomach flu' three times now, although it may not have been stomach flu, it may have been a side-effect of having a bad kidney infection due to my kidney stones. I'm really sick of my rocks! The good news is that I finally have an appointment to see a Urologist at UVA on Friday morning. The funny story behind this, is that the Free Clinic tried to make me an appointment earlier an had failed. While I was at the doctor on Monday I needed to give a urine sample so I went to the lab with the nurse that does the appointment scheduling. She looks at me and says "I haven't wanted to call and tell you this, but I couldn't make you an appointment with a Urologist because they won't cover the condition." "what?!?!?" - me "They say it is an elective procedure." - nurse "Man, that sucks. What am I going to do now? I guess I'll just have to go home and start sharpening my scalpel blade and take care of this myself." - me "Did you really think that the free clinic would cover this for you?" - nurse "I didn't know, all I know is that I've been in pain because of this for 2 years and I need it fixed. Its affecting every aspect of my life." - me "I know and I'm so sorry, they just won't do it" - nurse I then go on to explain how I've tried everything, how my parents have helped with medical costs, how I got my gall bladder out and the pain continued, etc. Which is when she looks at me and says "What are you talking about?" "Kidney Stones." - me "That's why you need to see a urologist? That's not what was in the notes?" - nurse "Yeah, I need to see a urologist about kidney stones because there isn't one closer to hear that will work with the free clinic." - me "Well, that's different. I thought you needed to see a urologist about surgery for your transition!?" - nurse "No, I never thought that would be covered. I just want to get rid of kidney stones." - me "Well, they will certainly see you for that!" - nurse I had an appointment made within a half-hour! What silliness. So, today I went to the pharmacy to pick up my latest T prescription. The previous 2 times they sold me syringes pre-loaded with 1 ml of T, and that is what I was expecting today. The syringes were $10/per and the last time I got them a 10ml bottle was $60. Today, they originally tried to sell me 2- 1ml vials for a total of $30! Fortunately, they said that they could fill the prescription with a 10ml vial at $90 instead." WTF!?! Is there a T shortage? I know its more expensive at Walmart and actually every other place I've checked. Wish I knew how to get it cheaper since I really need money at the moment! Oh well, I'm hoping that I have enough to afford gas for the drive to C-ville and back on Friday! Hopefully Mom will give me a little extra, as the illnesses have reduced my earning substantially. I am also well behind on my homework, and I'm exhausted, didn't sleep well last night due to having taken a nap after having been exhausted after classes yesterday. I also need to do more writing in preparation for a couple of projects that I have. I don't know when I think I'm going to get it all done! More to come.

Weird things that happen while transitioning in small towns

I had one of those weird moments happen tonight at work. I was cashiering and it was fifteen minutes to close when two guys came in looking for some fix-a-flat. I was fairly certain that I recognized one of them from my High School days, but I wasn't sure. By the time he made it to the register to check out I was positive that I had known him and that we had been friends, in fact we had almost dated in HS. I think he sort of recognized me too. He called me ma'am (I hate that) when he walked up to the register. I didn't react in any way to it, just smiled and continued checking out his purchased items. We looked each other in the eyes a couple of times and I think he had a moment when he thought he knew me, but he looked at my name tag and said "I called you ma'am a few moments ago, I'm really sorry." To which I replied "I won't hold it against you, it happens all the time" to which he responded "I'd hold it against me, I'd be pissed if someone did that to me." Then he walked away. I'm not entirely sure how I felt about it. He was one of those guys in school that I actually did like. I've thought about him over the years and even looked for him on FB and such, but doubted if our paths would ever cross again. Tonight they crossed, but it was as if the 40 years that I lived before becoming Aaron never happened. I know this is going to happen at times, more so because I live in a small town, but I don't exactly like it. It is hard to pretend that I didn't exist, but it is just as difficult to 'come out' over and over again as people from my past cross my path again. Its like I have to make a choice between my history and my sanity. I should have to choose. My past is a part of who I am. I was unable to have a boyhood, but I did have a childhood and school years and college and well, 40 years of a life. How to I have both without having to constantly make myself a target? I also had two younger boys come in the store, they were late teens to early 20's, both were very handsome in that young man sort of way. I found myself envying them. How I would love to have experienced my late teens and early 20's in a male body. The muscles, facial hair, the cocky self-confidence. Although, I was an awkward, geeky girl, so why would I assume that it would have been different had I been a boy? I think I would have probably done okay in the muscles department, but I still would have been a major nerd. Oh well. Unfortunately, I'll never know what kind of a boy I would have been, I can only become the man I want to be.

new horoscope, I like it.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Eliphas Levi was a 19th-century author and hermetic magician whose work has had a major influence on Western mystery schools. The great secret of magic, he said, is fourfold: "to KNOW what has to be done, to WILL what is required, to DARE what must be attempted, and to KEEP SILENT with discernment." Your assignment, Libra, is to apply this approach to your love life. How can you create a relationship with love that will be a gift to the world and also make you smarter, kinder, and wilder? KNOW what magic you have to do. WILL yourself to do it. DARE to be ingenious and inspired. And don't tell anyone what you're doing until you achieve your goal.

Happy Belated New Year, FloCoIMo and other assorted things!

Yes, I know, I'm starting off another post with the sentence, It's been awhile, but.....
I can't believe that 2011 is now past tense. It doesn't seem possible that it could be a new year already. December was pretty difficult for me at times. A lot of it was school related, as I had lots of papers/projects/exams all due at the very end. I managed to pull out some decent grades, although not as good as I had hoped, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it will still be good enough to get me into grad school (keep your fingers crossed with me, okay?) But, there was some sadness in reliving memories from 2010, and finding it so difficult to believe that the joy and expectations I had for 2011 had all vanished from possibility as early as the end of January. It was like the hopes and dreams that I had had for Mara and I were a New Year's resolution that we gave up on after 3 weeks. Oh well, what's done is done, and can't be changed. I accept that, I'm moving on, but it does still mess with my head at times.
Otherwise, Christmas played its standard mind games with me, the dealing with family who really ONLY want to accept me as the "woman I was born to be", which is so inaccurate it is sometimes funny. But, it means facing the often times disappointing 'pretty' Christmas gifts with a smile on my face and a kind 'thank you' instead of expressing the internal "OMG, what were you thinking when you bought this? Do you even have a clue about who I am? You've known me for 41 years, what made you think I would like this?" Actually though, my mom did an acceptable job at purchasing me nearly gender appropriate clothing as gifts. Unfortunately, most of it was made to be warn when one is cold, and with the T, I really don't seem to get cold anymore! So, I may never wear them, but we'll see. Old Man Winter may get it cold enough for me to feel it at some point.
The holidays in general were rather uneventful. I spent most of my time working, trying to manage the pain from my kidney stones (yes, I now know that there are 2 of them, not just one), and attempting to stay a few steps ahead of the flu type ick that everyone else seemed to come down with. I am grateful that I only had a day or two that I felt 'fluish'.
So, now that January has begun, I should be doing something creative daily, as that was my goal for FloCoIMo (for those of you who don't know what that is, it is Floyd County Imagination Month, you can find out more about it at http://www.flocoimo.org ) But, I haven't done much of anything. Mostly because I have been busy with work, and partly because I still feel so much attachment to my ex through this. I messed with my head mightily to find that she had rewritten some of her poems from last year and effectively wrote me out of them. I guess I deserve it, or it is something she feels she needs to do. All I know is that it hurt a LOT more than I was expecting it to.
I'm also starting to wonder if perhaps my future might not lay far from Floyd. I work with some really great people, and I've met some awesome people via school and other associations, but I still feel like an outsider here. More and more I realize that there are people that I love and care about here that I can't be in contact with, or rather, I can contact them, they just won't answer. I effectively lost them in the divorce. And that saddens me, because I feel that it severely limits the possibilities that I have to grow, evolve and hopefully date while living here. Maybe I'm wrong and this feeling will pass. I'm not planning on leaving until I've managed to finish grad school, and since I have yet to be accepted, I that means at minimum 2 more years here. We'll see. As I once wrote for a status update "There are always more fish in the sea, but its far easier to catch them if you aren't fishing in a puddle" For what its worth, Floyd is a puddle when it comes to finding a transman accepting partner. And when OKCupid finds one possible match for you in a 50 mile radius, well, it makes you realize just how remote your chances are. I have met someone online though, she is really wonderful, but also very far away and our situations are complicated by more than just distance, but I won't go into that here.
Anyway..... speaking of grad school, I have an application to finish before classes start again. I also need to request transcripts from the 7 or so assorted schools that I have attended, and I desperately need to figure out who I'm going to use for references. That last part has me a bit worried. I'm hoping that I can think of 3 great people who can write great and glowing things about me. I really need someone in the field of Social Work that knows me and can speak to my abilities, I was going to use my sister-in-law, but I'm worried that there will be an issue with the fact that she is my sister-in-law. Opinions, recommendations and volunteers are requested for my referencing positions. Please note that I do need these to be professional references, so if you can say lovely and glowing things about me as a person and your friend, while I appreciate it, it isn't exactly what I need. But, send me an e-mail if you are interested and we'll discuss the possibility.
Classes start in just over a week. I can't wait! I'm taking some interesting classes and one of them is Weight Training, I'm hoping that will help me lose weight and also shape and tone my physique so that I can start passing more frequently as masculine. I'm still only passing at work maybe 50% of the time and that is a big maybe. I'm not certain what I am doing wrong, or if it is just that these people know me and therefore don't notice the changes (or refuse to see them). Although I think a haircut will help (I haven't had one since September!!!!!) And hopefully that will happen next week after I get my tuition money!
In other news, I'm going to start looking for another job. Odd as it seems, I do love what I do , where I work and the people I work with, but, I need more pay. I just don't make enough to make ends meet and that needs to stop ASAP. I'm so behind on my bills that I'm not sure what I'm going to do to get caught up. I'll get there eventually. So, anyone who would like to be a reference for me, again, let me know.
Lets see, not much else to discuss. Despite the lamenting the past that could not be my future, I'm actually rather upbeat and positive about things. I truly believe that I will get into grad school for the fall and that this semester will be my best ever at VT. I know a new job is just around the corner and life is going to get better. 2012 is full of possibilities and I'm going to take advantage of as many of them as are presented to me. Good things are coming my way!
Happy New Year to you all. I will keep you all posted on how things change, and I hopefully will get a picture taken AFTER the haircut (as right now it is driving me nuts and I can't stand the way it looks. Interestingly enough, its become curly! I think it is the T).

Energy

Wednesday seemed to be a day all about energy. It started with a conversation with my manager about the 'energies' that are brought to the workplace, and how just one person can affect the rest.
Then there was a Reiki class which was ALL about energy, the transfer of energy, the healing powers of energy, etc.
And then on the way home my iPod randomly played a song (and I wish I could remember which song it was because that is the important bit), that once again made me think of energy and how it passes between people.
I realized something, and it seemed quite profound at the time, that every relationship we enter into is just a form of energy transfer. There are those relationships that energize us, seemingly creating energy from the space between us. There are those that wear us out, those that build us up, and even those that seem to keep us level and stable. So, then my mind wandered to the relationships in my life and what kind of energy to they bring to the table. I have some great friends, co-workers, on-line buddies and family members that provide me with interesting, stimulating relationships and bring plenty of positive energy into my life. (I love you guys, you know who you are) I have those relationships that seem to keep me level and grounded, which are great, unless you really need some of that super positive energy to pull you up from a bad day. And then I thought about the relationships that are sucking the life out of me. Thankfully, I only came up with one (at least one obvious one). And it is a singularly one sided relationship that I'm still feeding energy into even though none is being returned. Maybe that is why I'm so tired all the time! Maybe it isn't a chemical imbalance, a mental imbalance, a vitamin deficiency, boredom, stress, or any of those other go to answers. Perhaps it is purely an energy imbalance where I continue to give and receive nothing in return. Time to cut off the power going in that direction and take it back for myself. This is going to be more difficult than it sounds. You would think after 11 months I could just write the relationship off, pull my energy back in and move on, but thus far it hasn't happened. Perhaps I've been unwilling to put the extra energy into letting go, maybe I haven't felt like I had the energy reserve available to do that. I don't know. Its crazy.
The lovely woman I mentioned in my last post says she feels no chemistry with me. I'm okay with that, I'm happy to be friends. Perhaps that is all that I'm ready for at the moment anyway, but maybe she feels no chemistry with me because I don't have the energy available to put into that spark, its still all travelling down a dead-end connection and short circuiting everything else. Stuff to think about over the coming weeks.
Time to find my energy source, regain my power, and live my life. Time to stop allowing the absence of another to continue to pull my life out of me. Its over, and although I've said a few dozen times, its time to move on.

Libra Horoscope for week of November 3, 2011

I suspect that you will have a minor form of good luck going for you this week. It probably won't be enough to score you a winning lottery ticket or earn you a chance to get the answer to your most fervent prayers. But it might bring you into close proximity with a financial opportunity, a pretty good helper, or a resource that could subtly boost your stability over the long haul. For best results, don't invoke your mild blessings to assist in trivial matters like finding parking places or avoiding long lines at check-out lines. Use them for important stuff.

Somewhere there's a treasure that has no value to anyone but you, and a secret that's meaningless to everyone except you, and a frontier that harbors a revelation only you would know how to exploit. Why not go in search of those things?

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