Weird things that happen while transitioning in small towns

I had one of those weird moments happen tonight at work. I was cashiering and it was fifteen minutes to close when two guys came in looking for some fix-a-flat. I was fairly certain that I recognized one of them from my High School days, but I wasn't sure. By the time he made it to the register to check out I was positive that I had known him and that we had been friends, in fact we had almost dated in HS. I think he sort of recognized me too. He called me ma'am (I hate that) when he walked up to the register. I didn't react in any way to it, just smiled and continued checking out his purchased items. We looked each other in the eyes a couple of times and I think he had a moment when he thought he knew me, but he looked at my name tag and said "I called you ma'am a few moments ago, I'm really sorry." To which I replied "I won't hold it against you, it happens all the time" to which he responded "I'd hold it against me, I'd be pissed if someone did that to me." Then he walked away. I'm not entirely sure how I felt about it. He was one of those guys in school that I actually did like. I've thought about him over the years and even looked for him on FB and such, but doubted if our paths would ever cross again. Tonight they crossed, but it was as if the 40 years that I lived before becoming Aaron never happened. I know this is going to happen at times, more so because I live in a small town, but I don't exactly like it. It is hard to pretend that I didn't exist, but it is just as difficult to 'come out' over and over again as people from my past cross my path again. Its like I have to make a choice between my history and my sanity. I should have to choose. My past is a part of who I am. I was unable to have a boyhood, but I did have a childhood and school years and college and well, 40 years of a life. How to I have both without having to constantly make myself a target? I also had two younger boys come in the store, they were late teens to early 20's, both were very handsome in that young man sort of way. I found myself envying them. How I would love to have experienced my late teens and early 20's in a male body. The muscles, facial hair, the cocky self-confidence. Although, I was an awkward, geeky girl, so why would I assume that it would have been different had I been a boy? I think I would have probably done okay in the muscles department, but I still would have been a major nerd. Oh well. Unfortunately, I'll never know what kind of a boy I would have been, I can only become the man I want to be.

new horoscope, I like it.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Eliphas Levi was a 19th-century author and hermetic magician whose work has had a major influence on Western mystery schools. The great secret of magic, he said, is fourfold: "to KNOW what has to be done, to WILL what is required, to DARE what must be attempted, and to KEEP SILENT with discernment." Your assignment, Libra, is to apply this approach to your love life. How can you create a relationship with love that will be a gift to the world and also make you smarter, kinder, and wilder? KNOW what magic you have to do. WILL yourself to do it. DARE to be ingenious and inspired. And don't tell anyone what you're doing until you achieve your goal.

Happy Belated New Year, FloCoIMo and other assorted things!

Yes, I know, I'm starting off another post with the sentence, It's been awhile, but.....
I can't believe that 2011 is now past tense. It doesn't seem possible that it could be a new year already. December was pretty difficult for me at times. A lot of it was school related, as I had lots of papers/projects/exams all due at the very end. I managed to pull out some decent grades, although not as good as I had hoped, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it will still be good enough to get me into grad school (keep your fingers crossed with me, okay?) But, there was some sadness in reliving memories from 2010, and finding it so difficult to believe that the joy and expectations I had for 2011 had all vanished from possibility as early as the end of January. It was like the hopes and dreams that I had had for Mara and I were a New Year's resolution that we gave up on after 3 weeks. Oh well, what's done is done, and can't be changed. I accept that, I'm moving on, but it does still mess with my head at times.
Otherwise, Christmas played its standard mind games with me, the dealing with family who really ONLY want to accept me as the "woman I was born to be", which is so inaccurate it is sometimes funny. But, it means facing the often times disappointing 'pretty' Christmas gifts with a smile on my face and a kind 'thank you' instead of expressing the internal "OMG, what were you thinking when you bought this? Do you even have a clue about who I am? You've known me for 41 years, what made you think I would like this?" Actually though, my mom did an acceptable job at purchasing me nearly gender appropriate clothing as gifts. Unfortunately, most of it was made to be warn when one is cold, and with the T, I really don't seem to get cold anymore! So, I may never wear them, but we'll see. Old Man Winter may get it cold enough for me to feel it at some point.
The holidays in general were rather uneventful. I spent most of my time working, trying to manage the pain from my kidney stones (yes, I now know that there are 2 of them, not just one), and attempting to stay a few steps ahead of the flu type ick that everyone else seemed to come down with. I am grateful that I only had a day or two that I felt 'fluish'.
So, now that January has begun, I should be doing something creative daily, as that was my goal for FloCoIMo (for those of you who don't know what that is, it is Floyd County Imagination Month, you can find out more about it at http://www.flocoimo.org ) But, I haven't done much of anything. Mostly because I have been busy with work, and partly because I still feel so much attachment to my ex through this. I messed with my head mightily to find that she had rewritten some of her poems from last year and effectively wrote me out of them. I guess I deserve it, or it is something she feels she needs to do. All I know is that it hurt a LOT more than I was expecting it to.
I'm also starting to wonder if perhaps my future might not lay far from Floyd. I work with some really great people, and I've met some awesome people via school and other associations, but I still feel like an outsider here. More and more I realize that there are people that I love and care about here that I can't be in contact with, or rather, I can contact them, they just won't answer. I effectively lost them in the divorce. And that saddens me, because I feel that it severely limits the possibilities that I have to grow, evolve and hopefully date while living here. Maybe I'm wrong and this feeling will pass. I'm not planning on leaving until I've managed to finish grad school, and since I have yet to be accepted, I that means at minimum 2 more years here. We'll see. As I once wrote for a status update "There are always more fish in the sea, but its far easier to catch them if you aren't fishing in a puddle" For what its worth, Floyd is a puddle when it comes to finding a transman accepting partner. And when OKCupid finds one possible match for you in a 50 mile radius, well, it makes you realize just how remote your chances are. I have met someone online though, she is really wonderful, but also very far away and our situations are complicated by more than just distance, but I won't go into that here.
Anyway..... speaking of grad school, I have an application to finish before classes start again. I also need to request transcripts from the 7 or so assorted schools that I have attended, and I desperately need to figure out who I'm going to use for references. That last part has me a bit worried. I'm hoping that I can think of 3 great people who can write great and glowing things about me. I really need someone in the field of Social Work that knows me and can speak to my abilities, I was going to use my sister-in-law, but I'm worried that there will be an issue with the fact that she is my sister-in-law. Opinions, recommendations and volunteers are requested for my referencing positions. Please note that I do need these to be professional references, so if you can say lovely and glowing things about me as a person and your friend, while I appreciate it, it isn't exactly what I need. But, send me an e-mail if you are interested and we'll discuss the possibility.
Classes start in just over a week. I can't wait! I'm taking some interesting classes and one of them is Weight Training, I'm hoping that will help me lose weight and also shape and tone my physique so that I can start passing more frequently as masculine. I'm still only passing at work maybe 50% of the time and that is a big maybe. I'm not certain what I am doing wrong, or if it is just that these people know me and therefore don't notice the changes (or refuse to see them). Although I think a haircut will help (I haven't had one since September!!!!!) And hopefully that will happen next week after I get my tuition money!
In other news, I'm going to start looking for another job. Odd as it seems, I do love what I do , where I work and the people I work with, but, I need more pay. I just don't make enough to make ends meet and that needs to stop ASAP. I'm so behind on my bills that I'm not sure what I'm going to do to get caught up. I'll get there eventually. So, anyone who would like to be a reference for me, again, let me know.
Lets see, not much else to discuss. Despite the lamenting the past that could not be my future, I'm actually rather upbeat and positive about things. I truly believe that I will get into grad school for the fall and that this semester will be my best ever at VT. I know a new job is just around the corner and life is going to get better. 2012 is full of possibilities and I'm going to take advantage of as many of them as are presented to me. Good things are coming my way!
Happy New Year to you all. I will keep you all posted on how things change, and I hopefully will get a picture taken AFTER the haircut (as right now it is driving me nuts and I can't stand the way it looks. Interestingly enough, its become curly! I think it is the T).

Energy

Wednesday seemed to be a day all about energy. It started with a conversation with my manager about the 'energies' that are brought to the workplace, and how just one person can affect the rest.
Then there was a Reiki class which was ALL about energy, the transfer of energy, the healing powers of energy, etc.
And then on the way home my iPod randomly played a song (and I wish I could remember which song it was because that is the important bit), that once again made me think of energy and how it passes between people.
I realized something, and it seemed quite profound at the time, that every relationship we enter into is just a form of energy transfer. There are those relationships that energize us, seemingly creating energy from the space between us. There are those that wear us out, those that build us up, and even those that seem to keep us level and stable. So, then my mind wandered to the relationships in my life and what kind of energy to they bring to the table. I have some great friends, co-workers, on-line buddies and family members that provide me with interesting, stimulating relationships and bring plenty of positive energy into my life. (I love you guys, you know who you are) I have those relationships that seem to keep me level and grounded, which are great, unless you really need some of that super positive energy to pull you up from a bad day. And then I thought about the relationships that are sucking the life out of me. Thankfully, I only came up with one (at least one obvious one). And it is a singularly one sided relationship that I'm still feeding energy into even though none is being returned. Maybe that is why I'm so tired all the time! Maybe it isn't a chemical imbalance, a mental imbalance, a vitamin deficiency, boredom, stress, or any of those other go to answers. Perhaps it is purely an energy imbalance where I continue to give and receive nothing in return. Time to cut off the power going in that direction and take it back for myself. This is going to be more difficult than it sounds. You would think after 11 months I could just write the relationship off, pull my energy back in and move on, but thus far it hasn't happened. Perhaps I've been unwilling to put the extra energy into letting go, maybe I haven't felt like I had the energy reserve available to do that. I don't know. Its crazy.
The lovely woman I mentioned in my last post says she feels no chemistry with me. I'm okay with that, I'm happy to be friends. Perhaps that is all that I'm ready for at the moment anyway, but maybe she feels no chemistry with me because I don't have the energy available to put into that spark, its still all travelling down a dead-end connection and short circuiting everything else. Stuff to think about over the coming weeks.
Time to find my energy source, regain my power, and live my life. Time to stop allowing the absence of another to continue to pull my life out of me. Its over, and although I've said a few dozen times, its time to move on.

Libra Horoscope for week of November 3, 2011

I suspect that you will have a minor form of good luck going for you this week. It probably won't be enough to score you a winning lottery ticket or earn you a chance to get the answer to your most fervent prayers. But it might bring you into close proximity with a financial opportunity, a pretty good helper, or a resource that could subtly boost your stability over the long haul. For best results, don't invoke your mild blessings to assist in trivial matters like finding parking places or avoiding long lines at check-out lines. Use them for important stuff.

Somewhere there's a treasure that has no value to anyone but you, and a secret that's meaningless to everyone except you, and a frontier that harbors a revelation only you would know how to exploit. Why not go in search of those things?

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I Really Need to Blog More

I have been intending to write something new and cool and informative for weeks now, but have been swamped by homework, work, wedding celebrations, and the like, and also plagued by writer's block to take the cake.
I guess I'll start with the briefest of updates on my transition, and then move on to the more emotional stuff that is also part of my changing life. I have now officially hit the 6 months on T mark. That happened on October 15. I feel really good about all the things that have changed. I've lost inches on my hips and thighs as they have become much more muscular and the 'soft protective layer' has migrated up to my waist. This means my jeans have gone from being very loose around the waist and tight over the hips and thighs to fitting comfortably around the waist and being baggy on the hips and thighs. I need new jeans, but currently can't afford them. I think I only have 3 pair of 36x32's so donations to the jeans fund would be most helpful! Aside from that, my voice seems to have settled at a nice low tone and I'm relearning how to sing with the community choir. I'm really enjoying that aspect of things, although I never EVER imagined that my voice would end up this low. I figured I'd be a tenor, which would mean I could sing all the cool songs on the radio just fine. Instead I'm a second bass and my range is much more narrow that I had hoped. Songs on the radio are frequently not in my range, but I manage anyway, its only in the car (mostly) LOL I'm also starting to get a little bit of facial hair that is visible. The texture of the hair has changed and some of them are actually not blonde! Unfortunately, the acne is still about the same and has gotten a bit worse along my jawline. Oh well, maybe that will start to clear up soon, but who knows. I'm still pretty tired most of the time, but that might also be changing a little (keep your virtual fingers crossed for me!) And just over the last week my appetite has really picked up. I had always heard that T makes you hungry all the time. It really hadn't for me. I don't know if it was due to lack of food availability or excess of body fat that has now become a little depleted. I just don't know.
Anyway, in other news. My brother is now married! I'm so happy and excited for him and his new bride. Congrats you guys!
The wedding coincided with my 6 month anniversary on T. It was very nice to be able to go to the wedding in a tie and slacks and not the dress that would have been standard practice years ago. It would have been nicer to have been able to be Aaron to my family and friends, but I chose stay with my given name through the wedding, so as not to cause my change to overshadow the joy of the occasion. It was difficult to be daughter and sister throughout the day. But, it was still a lovely day. It was also difficult because I had hoped a year ago that I would have a date to the ceremony and that she and I would soon be celebrating a year together after the wedding. Obviously, that didn't happen. It was hard being there alone. I still miss her, I worry about the daughter that could have been part of my life. But, I'm moving on. I'm trying to move on. I even had a sort of date on Thursday night. It went well, I think. I'm hoping it will lead to another day, but, time will tell. She is awesome, she seems very sweet, she's really cute, very smart, amazingly caring, and fun to talk to. We seem to have lots in common, so I'm hopeful.
Well, that's about all for now. Classes are going okay, a couple of exams coming up in the next couple of weeks, but that should be okay. Time now to get ready for work.
Thanks for reading.

Birthday

Today I turned 41, or 1, depending on how you look at it. I've been in existence for 41 years, but this is my first birthday as Aaron. Although, there hasn't been a legal name change, its the first one where I'm in active transition. In just two weeks I'll have been on T for 6 months! It somehow doesn't seem like it could possibly have been that long, but it has. Most of the time I pass as Male at work, as long as the customer didn't know me before, or I can keep my nametag hidden. I'm finding that pretty cool.
In other news, classes are going fairly well. Not great, but not bad either. I'm still working on my application for Radford's MSW program for next Fall. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
I'm also still fighting a kidney stone, which hurts like hell. I have an appointment with the free clinic on Thursday to see if I am eligiblse for services there. Keep your fingers crossed on that one too, as I really need to get this stupid thing taken care of. It hurts, and I'm tired of urinating blood. (sorry, that was probably TMI)
The weather has taken a turn for the chilly today. I think our high was in the mid 50's and we could have frost tonight. Not happy about that at all as I still have tomatoes on the vine that I would like to eat, and they aren't even ripe yet! I'm also worried about my roses, but I think they will probably be fine. Its getting close to time to do some winterizing on them.
Well, one more day of work tomorrow and then school for the rest of the week. Not long now until my brother's wedding, I'm looking forward to dressing up. :)
Good night all.