Libra Horoscope for the week of Sept 8th - Rob Brezsny

You have about 100 billion neurons in your brain. That also happens to be the approximate number of stars in the Milky Way Galaxy. Coincidence? I think not. As the mystic dictum reminds us, "As above, so below." The macrocosm and microcosm are mirrors of each other. Everything that happens on a collective level has an intimately personal impact. The better you know yourself, the more likely you are to understand how the world works -- and vice versa. I urge you to be alert for concrete evidence of this principle, Libra. Your week will be successful if you make it your background meditation. * SACRED ADVERTISEMENT Have you ever had permission to indulge in a marathon of braggadocio? Have you ever gotten an invitation to bluster on endlessly about your own charms without feeling even a touch of guilt or inhibition? I hereby grant you such a license right now. When you're ready, carry out the exercise called Brag Therapy. Grab a good listener or a recording device, and boast extravagantly about yourself for at least 20 minutes. Expound in exhaustive detail why you're so wonderful and why the world would be a better place if everyone would just act more like you. Don't be humble or cautious. Go too far. Heap extreme glory on yourself. Brazenly proclaim the fabulous qualities about you that no one has ever fully articulated or appreciated. Don't forget to extol the prodigious flaws and vices that make you so special. What does this have to do with pronoia? When you audaciously identify your existing gifts, you set yourself up to become a magnet for even greater abundance. In fact, we recommend that you treat yourself to a Brag Therapy session regularly. To whet your imagination, read an excerpt from the boast of Eric Baer, a participant in a Brag Therapy session I hosted in Milwaukee. "I have opposable thumbs," Eric exulted. "I can read. I breathe all the way through the night even though I'm asleep. I have access to emporiums where I can choose from 25 different brands of toilet paper. I know how to turn food into energy. I live where knuckleheads run everything and yet nothing ever blows up."

Libra Horoscope for week of August 25, 2011

"Two dangers threaten the universe: order and disorder," said poet Paul Valery. I think that's especially true for you right now, although the "danger" in question is psychological in nature, not physical, and it's a relatively manageable hazard that you shouldn't stay up all night worrying about. Still, the looming challenge to your poise is something that requires you to activate your deeper intelligence. You really do need to figure out how to weave a middle way between the extremes of seeking too much order and allowing too much disorder. What would Goldilocks do?

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*Gee Rob, are you trying to tell me I need to clean my house and get my life a little more messy?

New picture

Well, it has officially been 4 months on T, Apr 15 to Aug 15! Had lunch yesterday with a great bunch of guys in Roanoke and according to one of them I've changed a lot in those 4 months. He also told me it was time for a new picture. So here it is. I'd say it sucks, but it does look like me, so I'll go with it. I hate doing self-portraits, but sometimes you have to. I'll see if I can get some better pictures soon. Enjoy!

Changes that I can officially say have occurred in the past four months. My voice has dropped considerably. I am getting some hair growth on my face, mostly my upper lip. However, it is all very very blonde so you really can't see it. I do shave, just not very often. I swear I have more hair on my abdomen, but again, blonde. Alex claims my shoulders are broader and I look more buff, but I think he is just trying to make me feel good. My clothes fit differently, my belly seems bigger and my butt/hips feel a bit smaller. But, that's about it for the physical changes that I'm willing to list. Mentally, I feel so much more comfortable with myself, happier, at ease or at peace with things. Life feels good again, which is kind of a new thing for me. I haven't had any of the 'anger management' issues, for the most part I'm so much happier that I can almost blow off stuff that used to make me blow up. Its been pretty cool.

Now I just have to get back to having a better diet, lose some weight, work out once in awhile so I'll look good for my brother's wedding in October (on my 6 months anniversary!). I hope that the shirt I bought for the wedding back in May will actually fit me come October. I still need to find pants and shoes, plus get my cuff links made for the occasion. Wish me luck!

In other news, school starts in a week, Financial aid is still processing and I'm looking forward to it getting paid out. Life is getting busy again, but at least busy with structure, so I'm really looking forward to that.

Okay, g'night everyone. Hopefully later today will be a good day and I'll get to meet with admissions for RU for the MSW program. Keep your fingers crossed!

What it means, part II

A couple of months ago I wrote a post called What it Means This is a continuation of that post.

Its been a day of pondering things. Little things and big things. While fixing dinner I thought about the summer camp I used to attend, and how I'll probably never be welcome to volunteer there again (at least not as a cabin counselor or a leader). You see, its a Christian camp, and while the Church of the Brethern believe that you love the sinner, hate the sin when it comes to gays, they also believe that as long as I was born with a vagina I'll be a woman, but I don't think they'll accept a bearded woman who answers to Aaron sleeping with a cabin full of young girls. Nor would they let me sleep with a cabin of young boys. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe I'm thinking too much about it. I just know I miss the place where I spent the happiest times of my youth. Although to be honest, it doesn't really resemble the place I remember any more. It has been modernized far beyond my comprehension. I mean, kids have cell phones now, when I was a camper we couldn't even have radios! Oh well.

On my walk with Taffy I started thinking about things I have learned about myself over the past 4 months. It still amazes me that its been 4 months since I started T! What I've learned is that for the first time in my life I actually feel comfortable with myself. I feel like I'm experiencing the wonders of my body coming of age for the first time. Puberty didn't feel like anything when I hit that age as a girl. I just tried to fake my way through it. Maybe that is why I felt like I never really grew up in some ways. Now I feel like things in my life are starting to take shape and make sense. It feels really good to be alive.

I also thought about what I wrote earlier in "What it means". While I still like what I wrote, I think there are a few things that I need to restate in a slightly different way. I'm not changing to become a man because I don't want to be a girl, or because I think that there is anything in this world that a woman can't become. It only has to do with the fact that I have never been a woman inside, and I've spent my life being dishonest to everyone around me by trying to be what they wanted to see. Now maybe if society in general, or my family and some of my friends in particular, didn't have such gender based stereotypes I wouldn't feel like I had to be something other than myself, but the fact is, I did.
I have also felt that people have wondered who I'm doing this for. Are you doing this to get Mara back? No. I'm not doing this for anyone except myself. The fact is I was completely convinced that by transitioning I would lose everyone that had been part of my life. I was totally shocked to find that I'm supported and loved by as many people as I am. I'm doing this transition for myself, so that I can be honest with myself and accepting of who I am. Truth is, I still feel isolated from much of the world at large, I feel as if I'm hiding, maybe out of fear, maybe because in some ways I'm still not sure. I don't know. But what is cool is that I feel that my relationships with people that know and are accepting are much more honest, real, open, etc than any I've known before. Which is an amazing feeling! I don't have to live up to some unspoken expectation to be the woman I'm not. Now if only I didn't get reminded so frequently that I am "Ms. Ellen" or Ma'am, or Miss, or whatever. That will change with time, I hope! But, those are the joys of small town Southern living!

In other news, school is getting ready to start in 2 weeks. I'm still working out the kinks with financial aid, but hopefully it will work out so that I have something to live on and can pay some of my bills. I should get to meet with the director of grad admissions for the MSW program at Radford U next week (I haven't heard back about a particular time), but I'm super psyched about the opportunity to go impress someone and convince them that they can't live without me in their program (okay, so a bit optimistic on my part! But hey!)

Also, had a trip to the doctor in Fishersville yesterday. Apparently my transition is going well, however, my triglycerides are through the roof, which is likely to do more with my hot dog , doughnut and soda diet that I have had to survive on over the past 2 months or so. Hopefully I can get a better diet going with the financial aid money. Sadly, I found out that my doctor is leaving general practice, so I have to find someone new that will prescribe my Testosterone injections. Any suggestions?

Prior to finding that out I was lamenting about the lack of resources in general for transgender people in rural areas, particularly SW VA. I was having strong desires to pack up my stuff and move back to Seattle where life would be easier, where I wouldn't be so 'alone', where resources are plentiful, etc. But then it occurred to me, maybe this is why I'm back in Floyd! Maybe I need to work on making this a better, safer, more knowledgeable place for transgender people. I mean, there really isn't much in the line of resources for gay people, but it is a heck of a lot easier to find queer support than it is trans support ANYWHERE in the US, but particularly in rural areas. The fact that I have to drive 2.5 hours to see a doctor to get a hormone prescription is bad, but there are other people who have to travel much further. I know of one therapist in the area who see's trans patients. But, as I learned working for the census last summer, SW VA is a very vast area that is so spread out it is difficult to get resources to a lot of places. I find it disgraceful that the largest city in the area doesn't have 1 doctor that is willing to see FTM patients! Even with a college town less than an hour away, there is little support for the trans community. Maybe I will become an activist in the second half of my life. I still have to figure out how!

Lastly, I think I should say that my job is going really well. I work with an amazingly wonderful group of people and I'm so thankful that they are part of my life. Despite the fact that my inner monologue usually berates me for 'working in a gas station, what will the other people think? You thought you were above this, didn't you?' I really do enjoy the work. I'm getting used to the ever changing hours, the random waves of people that suddenly cause me to have stressfully long lines at my register, and the seemingly never ending lists of things to do.
Now, if I can just fix the random pain in my right side that I think is related to the marble sized kidney stone that has been around for at least 2 years, all will be good. Oh, and if I could happen to meet a couple more friends to hang out with and maybe a girlfriend, life would be spectacular!

Libra Horoscope for week of August 11, 2011

Where do you want to be at this time next year? What do you want to be doing? I encourage you to fantasize and scheme about these questions, and be alert for clues about possible prospects. Here's my reasoning, Libra: Some foreshadowings of your future life may soon float into view, including a far-off whisper or a glimpse of the horizon that will awaken some of your dormant yearnings. Don't make the mistake of thinking that these visions must be acted upon instantly. Instead, ruminate leisurely on them, regarding them as the early hints of potential long-range developments.

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Libra Horoscope for week of August 4, 2011

Some readers get enraged about the "crafty optimism" I advocate in my book Pronoia Is the Antidote for Paranoia. Given what they regard as the miserable state of the world, they feel it's a sin to look for reasons to be cheerful. One especially dour critic said that after reading a few pages of the book, he took it out in his backyard, doused it with gasoline, and incinerated it. You may face similar opposition in your attempts to foment redemption, smoke out hope, and rally the troops, Libra. I urge you to be extra fierce in your devotion to peace, love, and understanding.
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Do you want to move and breathe amidst infertile chaos where nothing makes sense and no one really loves anyone? Then speak with unconscious carelessness, expressing yourself lazily. Constantly materialize and entertain angry thoughts in the privacy of your own imagination, beaming silent curses out into eternity.

Or would you prefer to live in a realm that's rich with fluid epiphanies and intriguing coincidences and mysterious harmonies? Then be discerning and inventive in how you speak, primed to name the unexpected codes that are always being born right in front of your eyes. Turn your imagination into an ebullient laboratory where the somethings you create out of nothings are tinctured with the secret light you see in your dreams of invisible fire.

"You Must Be a Photograph not a Poem."

It's been a while since I've posted anything. I'm sorry about that. I shouldn't start a post with an apology, but there it is. I'd like to tell you that I've been so busy that I simply haven't had the time to write. The truth is, I haven't had the energy. I don't know if it is the T, or the heat, or me, but I'm so tired these days I barely have enough energy to get up for work. Oddly enough, I'm usually fine while I'm at work, but I come home and just crash. Maybe I need more caffeine, but that doesn't really seem to help. I'll give you the quick run down of the updates in life and then I'll actually write something from the heart.
Work is going well. For a person that doesn't smoke, or drink beer, or chew tobacco, a gas/convenience store can be a really tricky place. People ask for Camel Lites and I have no clue which pack they are talking about. The box doesn't say any more! But, I'm learning, slowly, but surely. Now if people could only remember to say that they want shorts or 100's, I'd be really good, but they almost never do. And what the hell is up with 99's and 72's (or is it 27's) Very confusing. Of course, I am also baffled as to why when you have a cooler stocked with 10 columns of Dr. Pepper 1 column can be almost totally empty, 2 columns are missing 2-3 and the rest are untouched. And the 1 column changes, so it isn't necessarily due to its location in the cooler. And this happens with all the beverages we sell. I think there is a psychology experiment in there somewhere!
Financially, I'm starting to get stuff worked out. I won't go into detail, but I think (hope and pray) that financial aid is in the last phases of being resolved and school should work out well for the Fall. I've decided to drop a couple of classes and stick with 9 credit hours. Should leave me plenty of time for work and give me a little extra financial aid for living expenses. Keep your fingers crossed. I need to seriously start working on my application to RU for next Fall. I'm worried, but optimistic.
Transitioning, nothing overly significant has changed. I'd love to tell you that my voice is stabilizing, but I'd be lying. I swear that two days ago I was back to my old voice, and then yesterday I was lower but with an odd electronic overtone to it (I swear I sound like a computer generated voice some days), Today it sounds vaguely normal as compared to the majority of days over the past month of so. I did come out to one of the girls I work with, she was fine with my transition and I love that. The folks I work with are really great and I feel like family there. And interestingly enough, during the last week I've gotten called sir about as many times as I've gotten called Ma'am, and that's even with a name tag that says Ellen, and a desperate need of a haircut (hopefully I can manage one of those either after the next paycheck or after financial aid gets figured out!) I might also be growing in facial hair a little faster, I shaved last Saturday, and I'm feeling a little bit of stubble today. (Yes, I know it has been almost a week, what can you do!?!) The hair is also still bright blonde, so it might as well be invisible.
Oh! Last weekend we had a reunion with all the people on my Dad's side of the family. I was rather nervous that there would be a lot of questions, and I would either be bombarded with attention, or completely ignored. Turns out that no one asked anything, and I was treated very much as I always have been. It was a good reunion as far as I was concerned. (It was also good to have a better variety of food to eat than doughnuts and hot dogs from work!)

That's it for updates. I've been reading again before bed, which is really good for me. I finally decided to open the cover on Jeanette Winterson's Written on the Body after it showed up as a recommended book for me to read on Amazon.com. It was one of the books that Mara gave me for Christmas, and the one book that I had wanted her to read to me. So, I was having a difficult time accepting that if I was ever going to read this book I was going to have to pick it up and turn the pages myself. I'll be honest, I found so much of my own story and my story with Mara between the covers of that book. I've been tempted to send it back to her with a note saying "you should read this, I think parts of it are about us". But, I won't. I won't tell you how it ends, or even much of the story line. All I can say is that as I was reading the night before last I found one single line that sums up my relationship with Mara.
"Now that I have lost you I cannot allow you to develop, you must be a photograph not a poem."
For me, Mara has become a photograph on my bedside table, when we were together she was a poem, a living breathing poem read to me nightly before we turned off the lights. She was poetry to me, new lines written daily as choices were made. Now the poem is silence, and all that is left is an image that I still can't get out of my head.